Brainiac: Science Abuse

Richard Hammond:
[introducing Jon Tickle walking on custard] Now, science has proven the following - man cannot walk on water. Jesus did, but he was the son of God, giving him an unfair advantage. [pushes Jon into the pool] As you can see, Jon Tickle cannot walk on water.

Jon Tickle:
But I can walk on custard!

Richard Hammond:
...but he can walk on custard.

Richard Hammond:
This is Brainiac, the science show that comes home late and wakes the neighbours.

Richard Hammond:
This is Brainiac. The science show where we blow stuff up in the name of science... but mostly, just for the hell of it

Richard Hammond:
This is Brainiac. The science show that puts science in tight underpants, and gives it a wedgie.

Richard Hammond:
This is Brainiac. The science show that rings the doorbell of science, and then runs away.

Richard Hammond:
This is Brainiac, the science show where we lob chemicals around - and then run like hell.

Richard Hammond:
This is Brainiac, the science show where we blow things up and then have a good look inside.

Richard Hammond:
This is Brainiac, the show where we challenge science to a bare knuckle fight and give it a damned good thrashing.

Richard Hammond:
This is Brainiac, where we laugh in the face of danger and slap the cheeks of fear.

Richard Hammond:
The internet. 95% of it is rubbish.

Richard Hammond:
This is Brainiac, the show that grabs science and gives it a well deserved spank on the bottom.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the show that science teachers like to confiscate and then share out in the staff room.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the show that meets science on a darkened street corner and blows raspberries right in its face.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the show that takes science by the ankles and dangles it over a crocodile swamp.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the show where we take science and smack it hard on it's chubby little bottom.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the show where we grab science by the wotsits and twist like billyo.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the show that does for science what 5 pints of lager does for ugly women.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the show that takes science, strips it down and gives it a damned good oiling.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the show where we undress science and have a good laugh at its bits.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the science show that comes home at 4 in the morning smelling of whiskey and covered in lipstick.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the science show that's a bit like GCSE physics, but with more girls in bikinis and less physics.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the science show that Albert Einstein would've invented... if he hadn't been so thick.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the show that winds up science til the veins throb in its neck.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the show that's a bit like a school science lesson, without the teacher, the classroom or the science.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the science show that puts it feet up on your mum's best furniture.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the science show that wipes it's nose on the sleeve of science.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the science show that stays up way past it's bedtime.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the show that does for science what nitro does for glycerin.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the show that does for science what a naked flame does for a petrol station forecourt.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the science show that hangs out on street corners with it's mates.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the science show that doesn't curtsey to the Queen.

Richard Hammond:
Welcome to Brainiac, the science show that doesn't wipe it's feet before stepping on your granny's new carpet.

Richard Hammond:
This is the Brainiac Christmas Cracker, the show that's got more stuffing than your mum's turkey.