Bread

Joey Boswell:
[Nellie is on the phone] Who are you on to?

Nellie Boswell:
The electricity department. ?145, they want. They must think we grow our own money. We haven't got it, I said, and that's that. We're all unemployed here.

Joey Boswell:
[opening post] Ah, it's my gold American Express card.

Nellie Boswell:
Not as nice as the Barclay one, is it?

Martina:
There's more money goes into your house than through Tesco's till.

Jack Boswell:
[about Aveline] Have you seen her run for the bus? Her dress comes up around her chin. By the time she gets to the bus, she's all knickers and earrings.

Joey Boswell:
Adrian, we've got one phone. Now, the other three are personal connections, brought about by the fact that Jack has a lot of friends in British Telecom. And I happen to be very good with wires.

Billy Boswell:
[Joey is sorting out the family problems] It's Julie. She's pregnant.

Joey Boswell:
God, this is getting worse!

Billy Boswell:
She says I did it.

Joey Boswell:
What do you mean, she said you did it?

Billy Boswell:
She's right. I did.

Nellie Boswell:
[on having grandchildren] After all, the child might be the only extra Boswell we'll get. Our Jack is too disillusioned, our Joey is too wise, our Adrian is too depressed and Aveline doesn't want to spoil her body. You're the only one thick enough to wade in there.

[repeated line]

Joey Boswell:
Greetings!

Nellie Boswell:
I know how to solve the problem and get peace. I'll kill the pair of them!

Billy Boswell:
I've got a common wife-in-law and a baby, you know.

Nellie Boswell:
For what we are about to receive, may the Lord help us to pay for.

Adrian Boswell:
[about his dad] He was only here for the party, wasn't he? He didn't stay for the washing up.

Adrian Boswell:
Carmen, I'd like to go to the party and have a good time. You know? Indulge, partake, lose all my faculties without having to find them again afterwards.

Jack Boswell:
[about Billy] It must be wonderful for him. Joey financed his sandwich business, Mam makes his sandwiches, I find him his customers, Dad gave him a van and he takes the profit, scoffs his meal and goes into a coma till the next bell rings.

Aveline Boswell:
He has got Julie and the baby to think about.

Jack Boswell:
And in between that, he finds time to procreate!

Father Dooley:
Has he not heard "and the meek shall inherit the earth"?

Nellie Boswell:
Oh, yes, Father. But he doesn't want the Earth. He just wants money.

Jack Boswell:
Why don't you put your teddy bear down and face up to things?

Adrian Boswell:
We aren't all made of leather. Some of us are made of silk!

Lilo Lil:
Look, we're both women. We have handbags, and ovaries. We're as devious and clever as a gifted monkey, and here we are fighting over a little man with a yellow cart.

Nellie Boswell:
Is that how you see him?

Lilo Lil:
No. I thought that's how you might see him.

Roxy:
You loved me Tuesdays and Saturdays, in between "Come home, Joey, all is not well" phone calls.

Jack Boswell:
It's funny how we're always running away from women. It's like those poor male spiders in the jungle. You want to but you don't know whether or not she'll eat you afterwards.

Billy Boswell:
Julie and I took the baby to the park. I had a smashing time on the swings.

Aveline Boswell:
Do you mind if I sit down, Grandad, or were you going to watch the news?

Grandad:
No. I turned it off before the newscaster killed himself.

Adrian Boswell:
[comes downstairs in a flowered shirt] It's my new image.

Jack Boswell:
You look like a hanging basket.

Jack Boswell:
[Aveline has decided to give up modelling] You'll be like a normal girl. You won't spend hours in the bathroom defoliating yourself.

Julie:
You're about as organised as tossed salad.

Joey Boswell:
Who knows? The magic all might dry up. The universe might be short of Boswells. At least he'll rectify the situation.

Billy Boswell:
So what am I, then? The family stud?

Julie:
You're deceiving people all the time. What about those fresh home-grown tomato sandwiches you sell every day?

Billy Boswell:
They are fresh.

Julie:
The tomatoes are from the supermarket, Billy. They've been to Mars and back.

Nellie Boswell:
I hope the judge doesn't misread all that leather, Joey. He might think you're a Hell's Angel.

Grandad:
Underneath all that macho leather, there's nothing but a fairy cake.

Eddie:
How's Aunty Nellie?

Grandad:
Got them all in their place. All running round. Colonel Gadaffi in a pinny.