Brows Held High

Oancitizen:
I just can't relate to these characters. I mean, I'm not against sex on film, per se. It's just that all this sex reminds me of how I'm... not getting it. [there's a knock at the door; Oan returns with a package] Sorry about that. [reads note] "Dear Oancitizen, Diamanda Hagan here. I had a minion send you his balls. I noticed you weren't using yours." Dammit!

Oancitizen:
Ah, welcome to Brows Held High. Well, sexy, sexy, sexually sexy, sex, sex, sex. Sex f***ing [indistinct] Nipply snowballing felch in the bathroom of a subway station. Rock music.

Oancitizen:
So what's this film about anyway? ["Antarctica" appears on screen] Ah, the Arctic. So all that sex talk was building up to nothing really.

Oancitizen:
Sex rim-job pork-sordid bearded clam 9 Songs sex and f*** bucocky-doodle-doo.

Oancitizen:
I should point out that this is real. They're really having sex, just like they were really having sex in Shortbus. It's all really real sex. So real that the actress asked the director not to use her real name during the promotion of this film. Oh come now, no one forced you to do this film... Margo Stilley.

Oancitizen:
So if you've been following this, we've had sex and rock & roll. So all we're missing is... drugs.

Oancitizen:
Now this scene, I will admit, it pretty hot. So allow me to ruin it for you by showing you this.

Oancitizen:
This scene actually made history, as it made Kieran O'Brian the first man in British film history to be shown ejaculating on screen in a mainstream film. Very good, Kieran, you get a cookie. Would you like some milk with that? I made it myself.

Oancitizen:
Give me something different! A car chase, a bank robbery, a treaty negotiation. Anything but more sex!

Oancitizen:
[babbling] Sex rim-job pork-sordid bearded clam 9 Songs sex and f*** bucocky-doodle-doo.

Oancitizen:
Gang-banging creampies symposium combat deodorant can orificial moaning and screaming jizzum orgasm wazizum. The Dandy Warhols.

Oancitizen:
We're at the fifth song now, so that means we're five-ninths of our way through the film. So, that's percentage-wise 55.555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555... [trails off]

Oancitizen:
Oh I'm sorry, did I talk over an important plot point? No? I didn't think so.

Evil Ed Glaser:
Seriously, I'm evil Ed Glaser.

Oancitizen:
Ha, ha, his name is F***mir.

Oancitizen:
A guy walks into a talent agent's office and says he has an act. The talent agent says, ok, what's the act? So the guy just whips out a DVD of A Serbian Film and puts it in. And they both watch it, and the talent agent says, wow, that's a hell of an act. What do you call it? And the guy says, ART.

Oancitizen:
Of course, Alice's repeated attempts to swallow the camera lens aren't making me feel any safer.

Oancitizen:
Of course, this is Alice and it's not supposed to make sense. Like this jar full of ear wax or something, it's not supposed to make sense, it's just there. Or this pile of leaves she jumps in, it's not supposed to make sense, it's just there.

Oancitizen:
Curiouser and curiouser.

Oancitizen:
Is the rabbit beating her? Oh, and he made the little girl cry.

Oancitizen:
It wasn't enough just to have the rabbit light small fires on her head, he had to sick the Legion of the Undead on her.

The Mad Hatter:
Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Oancitizen:
Because it can produce a few notes, though they are very flat, and it is "nevar" put with the wrong end in front... some of us have gotten that.

Oancitizen:
Now the original novel made a brief mention of a scene where Alice got chased by the animals. Brief mention. This film turns it into a production number. Everything imaginable, and unimaginable for that matter, comes after her. The rabbit leads the charge with a Shining reference, a fish skeleton with legs joins in, then we see what I think is a jester with the skull of a small monkey... at least I hope it's a small monkey, a skeleton duck and... oh come on, lobsters don't even have skeletons!

Oancitizen:
I should be thankful that the Cheshire Cat isn't in this one. I think I got enough serial killer smiles from the Caterpillar.

Oancitizen:
Well, there it is: after that nightmarish journey into the deepest recesses of stop-motion hell, precocious little Alice has been turned into a sociopathic killer, and that is the most logical reaction she has had in the film.

Oancitizen:
This film is one of the most frightening things ever put on celluloid, and a big part of that is the fact that this film was made for children. Every frame holds something unnatural, a strange artificiality that gives everything a taste in macabre, add to that a clicking, scratching sound design emphasising every tiny movement of these creatures, and it creates the scariest movie monsters ever conceived, and I expect no less from a man whose country also produced Kafka. This is in no way a film for children, and it's brilliant!

Phil Buni:
Hey Oancitizen, how's it going? Wow, you got a great place here, it's really great to be on your show finally...

Oancitizen:
[brandishes a dagger] Get back, I swear to God I'll use this!

Phil Buni:
Huh. You're freaking out. You're kinda freaking out right now, man. You okay?

Oancitizen:
Get away from me. Get away from me, demon! [runs away]

Phil Buni:
Huh, that's kinda rude. Yeah, just run away like a little girl, that's great. That's a mature way to handle your problems. Racist!

[first lines]

[Oancitizen is reading a book, then puts it down]

Oancitizen:
Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare. William Shakespeare wrote the plays attributed to William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare wrote thirty-seven plays including, but not limited to, Hamlet, Othello, King Lear, Macbeth, Romeo & Juliet, and, like, fifteen plays about guys named Henry. On a related note, vaccines do not cause autism, al-Qaeda did cause 9/11, Americans walked on the moon, and the Queen of England is not a lizard person.

Oancitizen:
Remember how I said that Freud believed in this?

Oancitizen:
The tree unironically enjoys ytmnd.com! Strange.

He:
I'd like to do one more exercise, it's like role playing.

Oancitizen:
Now, I'm going be a half-elf ranger. Here's a character sheet. Now, you can pick anything you want but don't pick half elf or ranger since we need to diversify our skill sets. The talking fox will be the DM.

Oancitizen:
Hey, a phallic symbol!

[when Jerk is starting to realize that Twilight is a variation of Beauty and the Beast]

Some Jerk with a Camera:
How old is this tale?

Oancitizen:
As old as time.

Some Jerk with a Camera:
How long has it been as old as time?

Oancitizen:
What?

Oancitizen:
So, blue. This is the bluest blue that ever blued. It is the Blue Man Group covered in blueberry pie under the light of a blue moon. It's a bluegrass musician eating blue cheese while using Bluetooth. It is Little Boy Blue in blue velvet and blue suede shoes. It's a freaky, interracial orgy with the Smurfs and the Navi. It's a blue Monday with Mr. Blue Skies shining on me as I'm tangled up in blue. It's blue, y'all, it's blue, y'all. It's bliggity-blue-blue-and-blue and it's blue, y'all. It's blue; da ba dee da ba di, da ba dee da ba di, da ba dee da ba di, da ba dee da ba di, da ba dee da ba...

[a blue explosion blows up the film, revealing an embarrassed Kyle]

Oancitizen:
I just... blew myself.

Oancitizen:
It's a terrible stereotype that the French are much hornier than other nations... [picture of Benzaie]... but it's a stereotype that has some basis in fact... [picture of Benzaie]... French culture is quite open when it comes to sexuality... [picture of Benzaie]... they're famously blase when it comes to talking about sex and are more willing to discuss taboos... [picture of Benzaie]... at least compared to most Americans. [picture of Oancitizen]

Oancitizen:
You want porn [points upward] the address bar is up there!

Oancitizen:
You really feel like you're lost in a desert. The scenery is repetitive, the sounds vacant. You wander aimlessly, every minute spent praying that the end to come. It will come when you reach the finish, or it will come with your own death. Hell, at some points you even begin to feel a little dehydrated at this movie. And should you emerge alive, you spend every waking minute wishing that you had never taken that wrong turn, or pushed that play button, and been dropped into a vast wasteland, traumatized by the void that you were dropped into - and may never escape.

Oancitizen:
Oh hi, Lupa.

Obscurus Lupa:
I'm not in the mood for The Room quotes right now!

Obscurus Lupa:
It's pretentious, it's ponderous...

Oancitizen:
It's perfect.

Oancitizen:
Let's get down to Gus Van Sant's Gerry. You know, it was surprisingly hard to find a copy. All the video stores I went to said their copies of Gerry were stolen by North Irishmen in black masks. D.C. suburbs are weird.

Oancitizen:
Oh wait, a truck. Oh please, stop. Wait. No, no, take me with you! Lupa? Please come back.

Oancitizen:
See? A Wheel of Fortune reference. How can this not appeal to middle America?

Oancitizen:
The best thing I can say about this movie is that it has great cinematography. Of course, that's also the best thing I can say about Ken Park.

Oancitizen:
Matt Damon went to Harvard, ya know.

Oancitizen:
Roger Ebert once reported that upon meeting Van Sant, asked him why he did the Psycho remake. Van Sant replied, "So that no one else would have to." I assume that's why Van Sant made a movie that is nothing but walking through the desert: so no one else would have to. Making the world a better place? Whatever. Are we done yet?

Oancitizen:
[in a faux movie trailer] This summer: Matt Damon in... The Bourne Monotony. Rated PG-13.

Oancitizen:
They're still GOING!

Oancitizen:
We need a break from this. Here's a cockatoo dancing to bad hip-hop. [plays such a video]

Oancitizen:
The book of Exodus didn't have as much wandering through the desert!

Gerry Affleck:
How do you think the hike's going so far?

Oancitizen:
[Looney Tunes theme plays; bursts out laughing] That wasn't funny at all, but any resemblence of a joke is appreciated.

Oancitizen:
[Gerry Damon climbs onto Gerry Affleck] Hey, pointless sex. I feel like I'm at home. Oh wait, no, Damon is strangling Affleck. Yeah, the reason he does this is because those guys in real life did it. Remember, this is based on a true story, which is about things that happened in newspapers and real life. Wait, does real life exist? Who's the president? What does water taste like?

Oancitizen:
And then... the movie crashes.

Oancitizen:
That was like watching paint dry. Oh no, no, no, that was like going to Monument Valley, painting the entire damn thing green, and then watching THAT paint dry.

Oancitizen:
Let's see what the pro critics have to say about it. Peter Travers, Rolling Stone: "Arty exercise that strands Damon and Affleck in a desert with little to say and do except lose themselves in an existential wasteland of doomed beauty." Okay, descriptive.

Oancitizen:
Okay, there's one bit that has something only mildly interesting. It looks like they're going to meet a third character and it's a mirage, but Gerry Affleck knows where the car is and Damon's walking in this movie is making my brain leak out onto my shoulders and run-on sentences and... gah dammit! [slaps his cheeks] Come on, stay awake, stay awake.

Oancitizen:
This film is a messy messy mess of a mess!

Oancitizen:
Nazi Harry Dumbledore punches Santa Claus in the face.

Oancitizen:
Oh, wow. Oh, we just have to stop and examine this shot: there's a young, blonde middle-class girl who's playing with Barbies and watching women's bikini-clad asses parading across her television. If you listen closely, you can hear thousands of womens' studies majors booing and hissing right now.

Oancitizen:
Anyway, Shawn has come to say hi to his girlfriend's mother.

Shawn:
[to mother] Can I eat you out?

Oancitizen:
[stares] Now... I understand it's become a bit cliche to insert footage of a famous and equivalent movie scene right after a character has said a line remarkable similar to said footage. Now the thing is, I've already been accused of being a Cinema Snob rip-off, plus I use the same episode template as The Nostalgia Critic, which has sense been reappropriated by Phelous, Film Brain, Obscurus Lupa, The Nostalgia Chick, Mike J., at least one episode of Familiar Faces and pretty much every other reviewer on these forums, so I don't want to seem any more unoriginal than I already am. But when a character says a line as out of place and tactless as this:

Shawn:
Can I eat you out?

Oancitizen:
Every molecule of my body commands me to respond with this:

[inserts a clip of a man propositioning a woman with cunnilingus]

Oancitizen:
I feel so uninspired.

Peaches:
This is Claude, he tries to act tough, but deep down, he's a soft teddy bear.

Oancitizen:
A lanky, big-eared, hairless teddy bear with an IQ lower than his age. Claude is a kid who's really big into skateboarding and looking at shiny things. He's the son of that guy from Prison Break. The father is unemployed and proud of his ability to move things up and down in the air multiple times, turning his body into a giant mass of ugly, sweaty flesh.

Claude's Father:
You know why your mother married me?

Claude:
Why?

Claude's Father:
Because I got muscles.

Oancitizen:
I also got a potbelly and a head that looks like an Almac statue. Shirley loves that.

Oancitizen:
So, the direct personae of this film are Shawn, the brother-slapping mouth-breather. Claude, the skateboarding meathead. Peaches, the worst Asian-American role model possible. And Tate, the granny-hitting, dog abusing sociopath who mocks starving Ethiopeans in his spare time. Guys You Knew in High School Shop Class: The Motion Picture.

Oancitizen:
Wait, this is a dream sequence. It has to be. This slack-jawed idiot is fantasizing about having sex with a hot blonde and this is just the visualization of his fantasy. The fact that it's on the poster is just a coincidence. Right? Right. It's symbolic of adolescent fantasy and the portrayal of the possible expectations a young man has of adult sexual behavior. After all, in real life, there's no way that this weak little pissant would get his oily head between the shapely legs of a beautiful blonde quietly entering early middle age. And... he wakes up! He wakes up! [scene cuts] I'm going to assume that cut symbolized him waking up.

Tate:
Sipi? That's not a word, what is a sipi?

Oancitizen:
Well to be fair, 'sipi' is a word. It means copy... in a tag-a-log.

Oancitizen:
This really happened, didn't it? He slept with a hot blonde with plastic tits. Yeah, you can't see it, but she's actually had work done.

Prostitute:
So, what's going on with you?

Murph:
How much for a dick suck?

Oancitizen:
Isn't that the leap-to-conclusions guy from Office Space? I really don't need the mental image of this guy getting head, thank you.

Oancitizen:
So now Tate has some alone time. Oh, and here's a nice parrallel: his grandparents were playing tennis, and Tate is watching tennis.

Oancitizen:
[Tate is jerking off on camera] Well, this scene is meant to demonstrate how lonely the character is and, um... [he's still doing it] Good God, is this in real time? Stop that! You'll go blind... I'll go blind! [after another minute] Oh good, he's finished. Can we please move on to something more tolerable?

Oancitizen:
Is every single character in the film a loathsome cad? Did Governor Schwarzenegger just designate Visalia as haven for a**holes that were too assholian for greater Los Angeles?

Oancitizen:
And now for your viewing pleasure, here's Andy Kaufman doing a hilarious impression of Woody Allen: meaning that we get to see a vaguely foreign, balding man marry his Asian daughter.

Oancitizen:
Gielgud's not coming back, is he?

Oancitizen:
You know, I used to like sex. Now I'll never touch another human being again.

Oancitizen:
Stop that! You could breed!

Ken's girlfriend:
I don't wanna be no baby killer.

Oancitizen:
Well at least he has a better reason to commit suicide now. No, wait, that's a terrible reason. That's probably the worst reason possible: abandoning his girlfriend to a teen pregnancy and single motherhood is borderline evil!

Oancitizen:
Wait, the whole movie was an argument for abortion? Is it sad that I believe that?

Oancitizen:
The hate. Will it ever go away?

Diamanda Hagan:
Of course not, hating things is the key to our existence. It's the lifeblood of our trade. We are reviewers, we review, therefore we hate. They hurt us, we hurt them back, it's entirely rational.

Diamanda Hagan:
Oh, acquire some balls! [hangs up phone] Winston, cut off your balls and send'em to Oancitizen.

Oancitizen:
But if this beginning is to be believed, maybe the movie won't be that bad. I mean, this could be the opening to a Kevin Smith movie or some other '90s teen flick, like Empire Records or Bio-Dome. It could be a fun little portrait of youngsters hanging out at Ken Park, their favorite skateboarding joint. And maybe it could be... [Ken Park abruptly pulls a gun and blows his brains out] Well, there we go.

Oancitizen:
Wait, Ken Park isn't an actual park?

Oancitizen:
If what I've read is to be believed, Ken Park makes Kids look like iCarly.

Shawn:
[voice over] I used to be friends with this guy. His name's Ken Park. His name spelt backwards is "Krap Nek", I used to tease him about it.

Oancitizen:
Okay, that can't be the reason he killed himself. Jennifer Aniston from Shortbus had a better reason to hate her name. And having your name spell out something remotely dirty when it's written backwards isn't embarrassing. Maybe his middle name was Linkin.

Oancitizen:
Their relationship is that the elder believes the younger to be insufficiently masculine.

Claude's Father:
You got a girlfriend?

Claude:
Not a girlfriend, I see some girls though.

Claude's Father:
You f***in' those girls?

Oancitizen:
[imitating Claude] A gentleman doesn't tell, sir.

Oancitizen:
Isn't that Ziggy Zavatka from The Wire? How much you wanna bet he takes out his wang here too?

Oancitizen:
[Shawn is eating with his girlfriend, her parents and little sister] Oh, this is nice. At least, it would be nice if we didn't know that this perfectly decent guy wasn't dining with a kid who has slept with a majority of the women in the room. And you can tell he's willing to make it unanimous. He's running his lazy eyes over that kid, thinking, "when you blossom into womanhood, you shall be mine."

Claude:
Hey Shawn, ya ever read that book, Island of Paradise? 'Cause I remember the whole philosophy of the world was set around havin' sex. Sit around all day and just f*** each other. All they do is f*** all day long. F***, f***, f***, that's all they ever do.

Oancitizen:
Why yes, I think I read that book: A Cooch-Filled and Pleasurable Pork of the Breast State of a Pubic Well, and of the Lewd Isle called Blue-topia, by Sir John Thomas Whore.

Oancitizen:
Okay, Peaches lets boys see her naked and her first scene references the Whore of Babylon. Her father is a weird man of indeterminate nationality who clearly loves "da Jesus." You can probably already guess where this story is going. Also, young, Asian-American woman being portrayed as hypersexual in a film written and directed by white men? Progressive, movie.

Oancitizen:
Wait a minute... I just remembered, this is his girlfriend's mother. I mean, this kid is cheating on his girlfriend with her mother... and she's okay with this?

Shawn:
You make the same noises in bed.

Rhonda:
What else?

Shawn:
You have the same p*ssy smell.

Rhonda:
We do?

Oancitizen:
You know, I've been trying to put my finger on what this feel like. Um... Small American town below the poverty line, lot's of sex, abysmal familiar relationships, people with double-digit IQ's who use the word "f***" as a punctuation mark. The whole thing feels like... I dunno... [cuts to characters watching Jerry Springer] Well thanks, Ken Park, that really would've bugged me.

Oancitizen:
I don't want to sound callous, but I wanna see this place become a crater!

Oancitizen:
[imitating Claude's father] Why yes, director, I will allow myself to be filmed drinking beer while simultaneously urinating. For the craft; I don't think this can get any grosser. [the father, still inebriated slowly enters Claude's room. The boy is asleep. He slowly advances on him; Oancitizen is horrified] No. [the father reaches up through the covers] Bloody Christ, no! [Claude awakens just in time and kicks his father away] I refuse to comment. That was the most despicable thing I have ever seen in my li... [cut to a shot of Tate covered in blood] Oh God, he killed the three-legged dog, didn't he?

Claude's Father:
[after he brakes his skateboard] Listen I don't want to see that f***ing thing here anymore, you look like a f***ing piece of sh*t on it.

Oancitizen:
[Imitating Claude's Father] You're pointless, time-wasting hobby is inferior to MY pointless, time-wasting hobby!

Oancitizen:
She is an amateur solo video artist, which basically means she films herself alone in her room doing stupid stuff. Man, what a dork.

Oancitizen:
There's acting like jailbait and then there's acting like jail... bear traps. The hell are you thinking?

Oancitizen:
These are adults, right?

Oancitizen:
So, art curator has a frown, thinks the art is phony, stick a message in her tape, and call you macaroni; I am not apologizing for that.

Oancitizen:
The school has classes on how to deal with a man with a grenade? Is this film set in the Gaza Strip? What's going on?

Oancitizen:
I'm Oancitizen, I analyze it so you don't have to.

The Director:
Things. Things and stuff, stuff and things.

Oancitizen:
It's a world of finals clubs, insider trading, and mountains of cocaine. It will stay that way as long as you keep the coloreds out. [winks] Now let me tell you about the F*** Truck...

Oancitizen:
You know, this might not be the most "artistic" thing I've done, unless contrived, soul-crushing whimsy is considered avant garde.

Oancitizen:
There is a big difference between adults acting like children, and adults acting like complete twits. And that will be a major theme of the review.

Oancitizen:
And for some reason beyond my comprehension, the blue fairy wants him to live.

Oancitizen:
He arrives at the blue fairy's tombstone. She died of grief, because for some reason she cared about this demon-spawn in pink jammies.

Pinocchio:
Fairy, how do you become dead? I wanna be dead too!

Oancitizen:
[holds up knife] I can help you with that!

Oancitizen:
When I am dead, the man who greets me at the gates of Hell will be a thin, hyperactive Italian going "I'm a fish, gloog, gloog."

Oancitizen:
And of course, the film ends with Pinocchio no longer a puppet. He's a real 50-year-old man pretending to be a boy.

[repeated line]

Oancitizen:
Hate!

Oancitizen:
Who did his voice anyway? Breckin Meyer? I refuse to comment.

Pinocchio:
[to cricket] Be quiet, will you? Anybody ever told you your voice is really annoying?

Oancitizen:
HIS voice is really annoying?

Oancitizen:
Stop prancing! You're old enough to be my father.

Oancitizen:
You can tell this movie was written by an engineer. These aren't characters, these are... biological plot point initiation units.

Oancitizen:
Here's a diagram - a primer on Primer, if you will. [snooty chuckle] Huzzah.

Oancitizen:
[trying to understand all the scientific jargon] Oh God, why did I major in theater?

Oancitizen:
Only two of them become important: Abe and Aaron. Their characters are... well, they have names, and they have differently colored hair.

Oancitizen:
It turns out that Abe made a thing using the thing he put the toy into and now it has stuff on it.

Oancitizen:
I think that scene really should have been filmed. There's no shame in making a movie for EIGHT thousand dollars, Shane.

Oancitizen:
Well isn't that terrifying? Armies of Abes and Aarons pouring out over the land, ready to bore and confuse people the world over with their jargonese and their business-casual dress and their non-existent handwriting and...

Oancitizen:
Kenneth Branagh plays Hamlet. Emphasis on HAM.

Oancitizen:
[about a Caucasian man claiming to be Albino] Your mockery of my medical condition had a huge influence on my childhood. [sadly] My lonely, freakish childhood.

Oancitizen:
[a large orgy is taking place in one room] God, I'd hate to be the janitor.

Oancitizen:
Hold it, how come the lesbians have their own little ghetto? And who let that dude in? [pause] Ohhhhh.

Oancitizen:
Ah! Zero-to-gay-three-way in .03 seconds. Think I got whiplash!

Oancitizen:
So they were brought together by people who wanted to bring the world into to a sexually repressed bureacracy ruled by conservative morality. Man, did that backfire!

Oancitizen:
She said 'Triumph of the Will'. We're barely into the first act and we've already gone full Godwin.

Oancitizen:
Then an OBGYN unicycles into the room and... I just said that sentence out loud, didn't I?

Oancitizen:
You! [Nostalgia Critic] The Garbage Pail Kids Movie? At least the vomit was fake! You! [Nostalgia Chick] Showgirls? At least the sex scenes were funny! You! [Obscurus Lupa] Pocket Ninjas? Robert Z'Dar never got naked in front of those kids! All of you! [Y Ruler of Time, JesuOtaky, Rollo T and Todd in the Shadows] The Last Airbender? Shyamalan didn't intercut his battle scenes with actual war footage! You! [Cinema Snob] E.T. the Porno?... well, you've got me there.

Oancitizen:
Now everybody do the Average White Person!

Oancitizen:
Would a club catering to homosexual men even HAVE a ladies' restroom?

Oancitizen:
But soft, what light through yonder front porch breaks? It is the east, and the insecure, suicidally depressed misandrist is the overhead light they shine in your eyes when you go to get a cavity filled."

Oancitizen:
After all, [menstrual blood] is the only bodily fluid with some kind of stigma attached to it. [takes a sip of milk] My semen is watery today.

Oancitizen:
Those of you who aren't disgusted by this point... wait ten seconds.

Rocco:
The fragility of female flesh inspires disgust or brutality.

Oancitizen:
And his opinion is that she has cooties.

Oancitizen:
After being exposed to a vagina for presumably the first time in his life since birth, he starts taking an interest in her coochie-snorcher and does things that I can only politely call experimentation. His actions are eerily evocative of what it must have been like for Jane when she first undressed for Tarzan.

Oancitizen:
She catches the gaze of an unnamed man, a gay prostitute who is there to serve as all men, because all men are, have been or will be gay prostitutes at some point in their lives. Personally, I'm trying to find a suitable pimp, but I am working on it.

Oancitizen:
Oh God, they filmed one of my dates.

Oancitizen:
This scene tells us that he is gay because sucked at taking care of a baby bird... I've heard dumber explanations.

Oancitizen:
The female character also has a flashback, this one involving neighborhood boys. Together, they fight playfully as young boys and girls are known to do, when they decide to play doctor. Tastefully, the camera only shows her taking her panties off behind a bush so we're spared the shot of her... [shows it, albeit censored for the video] Oh dear God! Oh God!

Oancitizen:
[as another guy] Geez dude, that's the 3rd pizza you've had this week, Why do you keep doing it? [as himself] Because I'm a man!

Oancitizen:
So his dick is covered in someone else's blood and this ends his tenure as the woman's... student? Gigolo? Therapist? Gardener? And he does what all men do in scripts written by women: he goes to the bar and brags about the chick he just plowed.

Oancitizen:
He picks up a prostitute and he does terrible, nasty things to her... he buys her a McDonalds lunch. The bastard!

Oancitizen:
I've developed this thing about bunnies. Well, bunnies, chocolate, snails... trashcans, Italians-this show is not healthy for me.

Oancitizen:
[spoken in Dutch] No, really. Why is the film not in Dutch? It's not like there aren't any smart, talented Dutch actors that can play these roles. And I think they would rather do this than sh*t like Spion Van Oranje! And another thing...

Oancitizen:
Sh*t-sucking f***er c*nt!

Oancitizen:
Straight, straight straight straight straight straight straight! Penises going into vaginas, all the time!

Oancitizen:
Nirvana is directly responsible for allowing Nickelback to exist!

90s Kid:
[pause] Oh. Wow. I... I never thought of it that way, man. [walks away in despair]

Oancitizen:
Pop up on my show, will ya?

Oancitizen:
Ha ha ha, he thinks this film takes place in reality.

Oancitizen:
So the dramatis personae are: the woman who speaks only in snark; the guy who looks in the mirror and says, "yeah, I'd f*** me"; and the kid in class who likes to eat paste; Middle School: The Movie!

Oancitizen:
Aw, she's pointing out all the logical loopholes. She'll make a great reviewer one day.

Oancitizen:
Hey, that's my job, Tarson. Explaining the subtext is my job. I will not have my job outsourced to an Indian.

Oancitizen:
Ugh, wow. This is exhausting. This is just session after session after session. But then again, that's pretty much how a prostitute's life must be: just a long series of talking, f***ing and leaving. Going through the motions.

Chelsea:
Took a q-tip and he asked me to put it on my vagina.

Oancitizen:
Grey, I've seen you drink your own urine, I think you can handle a q-tip. The research I did for this episode was so, SO depressing.

Oancitizen:
Can you imagine her and Soderbergh on set? [scene cuts; imitating Soderbergh] Okay, Sasha, go ahead and act.

Sasha:
[high-pitched Trey Parker archive voice] No!

Oancitizen:
Sasha, we talked about this, we need you to act here...

Sasha:
Want cock!

Oancitizen:
You can have cock once you've given us a discernable emotion...

Sasha:
Want cock now! Want cock!

Oancitizen:
Please...

Sasha:
Want cock!

Oancitizen:
Sasha. Sasha, I promise you, once we do this scene, we'll all go out and get you a nice cock.

Sasha:
Promise?

Oancitizen:
Yes, honey, I promise. [cuts back to Oancitizen in his chair; claps] The Sasha-Soderbergh sketch, ladies and gentlemen.

Oancitizen:
[reading Cosmopolitan] "When I'm feeling really frisky, I like to remove his boxers, using just my mouth." Ha, empowerment.

Oancitizen:
[re: Sasha Grey] In general, she's proven to be smarter than the average porn star. Not that there's a high bar or anything.

Oancitizen:
Now you're probably wondering, given Grey's reputation, if she has any nude scenes in this film. [shows one, with her privates covered] Yes, yes she does. That was it. Hope you enjoyed it.

Chelsea:
They want what they want you to be. They want you to be something else.

Oancitizen:
Well, Grey, I want you to be an engaging screen presence, or at least be so bad that it is easy to mock you. So far, no such luck.

Oancitizen:
Here we have an independent business woman who is also trying to get money in an unstable economic environment. Ergo, she's struggling because her clientele of rich, lard-ass robber-barons are struggling too. See? This is why we needed to bail out the banks. Think of all the high-class hookers this recession has hurt.

Oancitizen:
Then we go back to the guy who... whoa! Too much mustache!

Oancitizen:
So he's a journalist playing a journalist interviewing a whore playing a whore.

Oancitizen:
A major character in the movie is supposed to be... an internet reviewer? Oh, this has gotten very interesting.

Oancitizen:
[working a sex hotline] You want me to do WHAT with my tie?

Oancitizen:
What's that, Mr. Squirrel? What do you mean, 'Chaos reigns'?

Oancitizen:
I think Gilliam occasionally forgets that he's working with people and not animated magazine cut-outs.

Jeliza-Rose:
[right after her mother chocked to death on chocolate] Now we can eat all her choc bars.

Oancitizen:
Kid... cold!

Oancitizen:
This is her fantasyland now. Enjoy your nightmares.

Oancitizen:
So the moral of this film is that children are sociopathic morons. Good for you.

Oancitizen:
And now for something completely different.

Oancitizen:
Heroin's a helluva drug.

Oancitizen:
[about Harmony Korine] If your innocence is still intact, you probably don't know who this mousey twerp is.

Oancitizen:
You're probably wondering what Trash Humpers is about. Well, you know how Cats was about cats?

Oancitizen:
Plot? HA! Character? HA! There is only Trash Humpers, a film which dares to make the return to that wonderful aesthetic called... oh, what's the phrase? Shot on shitteo.

Oancitizen:
Wow. Duchamp's Urinal be damned, we have found the epitome of sh*t being passed off as art.

Oancitizen:
You're probably wondering why there is no image here. You see, I removed the image for this review. Why? Well, that's because in this scene, the cameraman starts singing this little song. Yeah, that. Three Little Devils and such, and the image Korine decides to show is a naked dead body in a ditch. And as far as I can tell, it does not look fake. Now, I may subject you to all kinds of cruel images, but I promise you, I will never show you a real dead body, because I love you, and Harmony Korine doesn't.

Oancitizen:
[reading Korine's explanation of this movie] "They do horrible things, but I never really viewed them as sad characters. They're comedic, with a vaudevillain horror element to what they do. They're having a great time." Yes, Harmony, but there's something they would have taught you at NYU's Tisch School of the Arts, had you gone there for more than one semester: just because you're having a good time doesn't mean we're having a good time!

Oancitizen:
Oh great, blood on a pair of children's shoes. Now I'm convinced they've killed some child. It might have been Drew Carey, I'm not sure.

Oancitizen:
[imitating one of the characters who just told a bad joke] So this idiot made a movie about people that society rightly rejected on a really old VHS camera, and he sold it, and people think he's some sort of visionary.

Oancitizen:
I keep expecting one of them to launch into a 90 minute Star Wars review. [cut to scene from Phantom Menace; doing half-assed impression of Mr. Plinkett] Oh my God, what is wrong with your face?

Oancitizen:
What was Korine thinking when he shot... oh, wait a second. That's the cameraman. Korine shot... that's Korine in a mask! Listen, Korine, if I ever meet you in real life, I will end you. I will take apart your camera and feed it to you. You will suffer, I swear to God. Our words are backed with nuclear weapons... [blubbers]

Oancitizen:
So this is how we're going to end it: kidnaping a child. A child who will now be taught how to wander the streets, shoving its pelvis against every piece of fith he can find. Assuming the baby survives being dragged by a bicycle and being smashed with a hammer. I'd tell this movie to eat my sh*t, but I'm afraid it might actually be into that sort of thing.

Oancitizen:
This is disgusting. This is like walking through a town wearing contact lenses made of gelled feces.

Oancitizen:
Ken Park was depraved, but it's unfathomable considering the possibility that Larry Clark was holding Harmony Korine back!

Oancitizen:
[about Harmony Korine] Ladies and Gentlemen, the face of the American Avant Garde.

Oancitizen:
He's done his own solo work, in addition to writing scripts for some other weird indie films, such as Kids and... [poster of Ken Park] Audience, you've been warned.

Oancitizen:
But whatever the hell they are, they just spend their time standing around parking lots, humping trash, and smashing the occasional television and... wait, he kept the auto tracking signal in there? He not only shot the film on the worst format possible, he left the VHS recording effects in for everyone to see. Wow.

Oancitizen:
Did the camera man just growl at a black guy? Sure, why not throw a little covert racism in there?

Oancitizen:
Well, if these guys are trying to poison their food, I am suddenly behind them. But no, the pancakes aren't poison, it was just a set up to show these guys eating pancakes covered in dish washing soap, because... we really needed to see that.

Oancitizen:
[about Harmony Korine] He is also built from industrial-strength awkward.

Oancitizen:
Don't go overboard on those head exercises. Your neck might get red.

Herve:
Dayum, y'all killed this dude.

Oancitizen:
SURE, throw a little casual murder on there! And yes, I know that earlier I said I would never show you a dead body, but at least I'm pretty sure they didn't actually kill the actor here. They just threw some Ragu on him while he was asleep and started filming themselves dancing over him.

Oancitizen:
Harmony Korine is such a vile, gut-churningly bad filmmaker that he almost approaches genius from the opposite direction. Everything about Trash Humpers is a nightmarish collection of ugly images that burroughs into your skin like scabies.

Oancitizen:
But as ugly as everything is, this isn't the kind of bad that you can ignore. This is the kind of bad movie that shows up as a plot point in Japanese horror movies. And once you see it, those images are with you forever. They just stay buried in your subconscious until eventually they burrough out and... dammit, I need to eat something.

Oancitizen:
[in bed with his trash can] My God.

Oancitizen:
That 2 seconds of blurry full-frontal nudity was the most necessary thing in the history of necessity.

Oancitizen:
Guess what? It's a sex episode!

Oancitizen:
Ladies and Gentlemen, you wanted it. You asked for it. For many of you, it's the only reason you watch my show: it's a random sex scene!

Oancitizen:
Oh, there is so much weird going on here, and not just the depressing fact that I am watching more sex than I will ever get in my entire lifetime.

Oancitizen:
You'll notice that the sexually liberated woman is strong, while the sexually repressed man is weak. Because the sexually liberated woman won't "liberate" the sexually repressed man.

Oancitizen:
[after a man says "the main problem is the hole"] Yes, man, it's the vagina's fault your country sucks.

Oancitizen:
By the way, racism exists.

Oancitizen:
There's a very, very clear message: have a happy, healthy sex life or else you'll become a murderous psychopath...

Obscurus Lupa:
[scene cuts; phone rings] Hello?

Oancitizen:
[frantic] Lupa, I need to have sex right now!

Obscurus Lupa:
Todd?

Oancitizen:
Please, if I don't have sex now, I'm afraid I might kill someone!

Obscurus Lupa:
[hangs up and recoils]

Oancitizen:
Apollo, I really need to have sex with you.

Apollo Z. Hack:
[after long pause] Er, Oan, buddy, why are you telling me this?

Oancitizen:
Because I literally only know two women and I struck out with both of them.

Oancitizen:
I'm worried that if I don't get my rocks off, I'll build up a lot of emotional pressure that will eventually manifest itself in homicidal violence.

Apollo Z. Hack:
And how, um, did you come to this, um, insane conclusion, pray tell?

Oancitizen:
The weird Yugoslavian movie said so.

Apollo Z. Hack:
Whew, nearly avoided a slash-fic there.

Oancitizen:
[to his trash can] Oh, don't give me that look. You used me!

Apollo Z. Hack:
Just because a movie gets a Criterion release and praise by a few snobs doesn't make it right. You of all people should know this.

Oancitizen:
Take this quarter, feed it to me, then do the monkey. That way we can stomp grapes and make wine.

Oancitizen:
Unlike the other films that I've done, this one might not make a lot of sense.

Oancitizen:
I... I can't mock this. I can't mock this? Crispin Glover, you tactical genius!

Oancitizen:
Ah yes, Bottacelli's "The Birth of R. Crumb."

Oancitizen:
Okay, now we know that Glover lives inside the man's head, and Glover's head lives in Glover's ass.

Oancitizen:
Ah! Naked Nazi Shirley Temple masturbating with a riding crop!

Oancitizen:
You know, out of all the films I've done, this is the one that should have been called Shortbus. [audience boos]

Oancitizen:
Ah f*** this in all holes. The guy gets a key from the other guy, there's some sh*t involving a mantis, and the other guy apparently dies.

Glover:
Good, he's dead.

Oancitizen:
The movie can end now?

Oancitizen:
Stephen Fry was a better Michael Jackson than you!

Oancitizen:
This... this exists.

Oancitizen:
I don't care what your intentions are, Glover, this is not art. This is trolling.

Glover:
Shut up!

Oancitizen:
I agree.

Glover:
What do you call me?

Oancitizen:
Roll the clip.

Mr. Fujitsu:
[clip from Back to the Future II] McFly! [Oancitizen gloats]

The Young Man:
McFly.

Oancitizen:
[stunned pause] You're good.

Oancitizen:
[sees a guy with a deformed face] Ah! Lon Chaney couldn't do a face that scary... oh wait, that's real. Wow, I'm an a**hole.

Glover:
He thinks he is me.

Oancitizen:
He thinks he's his own self conscious? Isn't his subconscious already part of him? I mean, isn't that like saying he thinks he is his own right armpit?

The Young Man:
I am Michael Jackson. You are a racist.

Oancitizen:
First of all, I don't care how far you stretch your imagination, no one in this film is Michael Jackson. Second, tough talk calling him a racist when you're the one who put a noose around his neck.

Oancitizen:
So the movie ends with clips taken from other movies with music taken from King's Quest. Oh wait, my mistake. Organ music by Anton LaVey. This film has a direct connection to the Church of Satan!

Oancitizen:
And sure, there's a lot of terrible stuff in this movie, but oh, there's a point to it. According to interviews, the entire idea behind this film was to throw a bunch of offensive stuff on screen and then ask the audience to question why it is offensive. So ask yourself, based on what you learned from this movie, why do you consider blackface to be offensive? Or the mistreatment of the mentally retarded? or the implication of Naziism in conjunction with a child star? You can't answer that, can you? All you're thinking of is why am I being tortured with all this terrible imagery? The Anatomy of Hell wasn't this gross. Ilsa, She-Wolf of the S.S. wasn't this offensive.

Oancitizen:
This is what arthouse movies must look like to people who don't watch arthouse movies.

Oancitizen:
[a gun is pointed at the camera and fires] And the audience is dead. Thank you.