Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in Hollywood

Buzz Kurtis:
Every time you open your mouth, what happens?

Abercrombie:
I eat.

Abercrombie:
I gotta break the date.

Ruthie:
What date?

Abercrombie:
Don't you remember? June 22nd?

Ruthie:
June 22nd? I don't remwember anything about a date.

Abercrombie:
Oh, yes. Don't you remember? I said I was gonna take you to the Palladium a long time ago, and you said, 'See me next year.' Well, tonight the year is up.

Abercrombie:
[starting to shave Rags] Now, I got the razor and the smelling salts.

Rags Ragland:
The what?

Abercrombie:
The smellin' salts.

Rags Ragland:
What's that for?

Abercrombie:
I faint when I see the sight of blood.

Rags Ragland:
Oh...

Rags Ragland:
[after a delayed reaction] Blood! Look, if you cut me, there's gonna be plenty of blood, and it's all gonna be yours!

Mr. Burvis, Ruthie's Boss:
[reacting to a verbal spat between two of his manicurists] My shop is for hair cutting, not hair pulling!

Gregory LeMaise:
[In disguise with a beard] Did you ever hear the one about the guy who was so brave he stuck his right arm into a lion's mouth, right up to there. [he motions to his shoulder]

Abercrombie:
[also in disguise] He stuck his right arm in a lion's mouth up to there? [also motioning to his shoulder]

Gregory LeMaise:
Yrah!

Abercrombie:
His right arm?

Gregory LeMaise:
Yeah!

Abercrombie:
What's his name?

Gregory LeMaise:
Lefty! [he breaks into raucous laughter]

Abercrombie:
[he spills his drink into Ambercrombie's turban which is on his lap] You get it?

Abercrombie:
[both are laughing] I didn't get it that time.

Gregory LeMaise:
You didn't?

Abercrombie:
No, no.

Gregory LeMaise:
Lefty! [he laughs even louder as Ambercrombie absentmindedly puts his turban on, drenching himself with the drink]

Gregory LeMaise:
[Ambercrombie stops laughing] You know, you're a great fellow. You made me forget my troubles.

Abercrombie:
You've drowned mine!

Gregory LeMaise:
[laughs] You've got troubles too?

Abercrombie:
Yes, sir.

Gregory LeMaise:
[laughing] No, but I've got real troubles. I killed a man!

Abercrombie:
[reacting to the camera] A man killed me. That's why I'm wearing this fake beard.

Abercrombie:
A face like mine is hard to forget.

Buzz Kurtis:
How do you know?

Abercrombie:
I've been tryin' for years!

Buzz Kurtis:
You can't sleep?

Abercrombie:
No.

Buzz Kurtis:
I've got just the thing for you. Don't go away. [He leaves the room]

Buzz Kurtis:
[returning with a phonograph record] Well, pal, here it is.

Abercrombie:
What do you got there?

Buzz Kurtis:
[reading the label] 'Go To Sleep with Dr. Caswell Snide.'

Abercrombie:
Oh, no! I wanna sleep alone!

Buzz Kurtis:
Now, listen. This is even better than you getting socked. You're dead!

Abercrombie:
If I'm dead, then... then why am I so hungry?