Buffalo Bill, Jr.

[Bill reads a sign posted on Mr. Boomer's property]

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Dixieland Acres. No hunting, no fishing, no Yankees - Absolutely! Captain, um, Major Caleb Boomer, C.S.A.

Calamity:
The Civil War ended long before we were born. You'd think the Judge and Mr. Boomer would stop fighting it.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Oh, they like fightin'. It's what keeps them feelin' young.

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
It's a good thing neither of you is Caleb Boomer.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Why? Did you beat him at checkers again?

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
The next time I beat him, it will be over the head with this [can] !

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Now Judge, there's nothing wrong with Mr. Boomer wanting to buy back his 80 acres.

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Yeah, but there's something wrong when he comes in here with a gunfighter for a bodyguard.

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Hey! Where are you two think you're goin'?

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
I just thought we'd ride out to see that your 80 acres hasn't seceded to the Confederacy.

Calamity:
Do think the Judge knows about ore?

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Maybe - I bet Mr. Bellamy does and I think I know how we can find out for sure.

Calamity:
Me, too, you mean?

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Mm-hmm. It means takin' a lot of chances, but you got a lot of spunk - for a girl - but if you do as I say, no one's goin' to get hurt... unless maybe it's me.

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
This court finds you guilty of stealing ore samples off of my land and Caleb's land, then you tried to sell our land to American Tungsten.

Eustace Bellamy:
Instead of holding me, you should give us a percentage for finding tungsten on your place!

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Well, maybe I will give you a percentage. The next 50% of your life will be spent, at the state's expense, right in the brand new penitentiary.

[first lines]

[scene depicts Custer's Last Stand]

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
These men fought and died for the Seventh Cavalry. They were young men - their commander, George Armstrong Custer, was 22 when he graduated from West Point, 37 when he died under the flag at the Little Big Horn. The history of the West is filled with the names of heroic men - young men, some of 'em forgotten by the dusty pages of time. But there's one young fellow who's name won't never be forgotten - not be me, anyhow, because, in a way, I named him myself. I found him after Indians had attacked a wagon train. He was a mere child at the time; parents both killed in the massacre. I found him wandering through the Black Hills, a little baby safe in his arms wrapped in a buffalo robe. The baby was his sister. I adopted the homeless Bridger kids. I named the girl "Calamity" and the boy I called "Buffalo Bill, Jr."

Sparks Bauer:
Look out that window.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Apache smoke signals. That's why I'm here -they've been smokin' since noon.

Sparks Bauer:
So have these wires - the Army figures we're in for some trouble.

[after pummeling Nancy's Indian "captor" Bill discovers his sister wasn't a captive after all]

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
No wonder the Judge called you "Calamity." You bring calamity to everybody! How long have you been tied next to that tree?

Calamity:
I wasn't tied there at all. Here are your rope and arrows Jackilla. I'm sorry about him. He's just somebody I have to put up with. He's my brother.

Marshal Wyatt Earp:
There were witnesses on the Bisbee stage when you killed the driver. They'll identify you.

Frank Stillwell:
Maybe... and maybe not. I've got friends in Tombstone, Earp, so don't hold your breath.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
You better worry about holdin' your breath, Mr. Stillwell. They tell me that hangman's noose fits pretty snug.

[Bill's plan for a horseback ride with Rowena are interrupted by his kid sister]

Calamity:
Where are you goin'?

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
I'm goin' for a ride.

Calamity:
I'm goin', too.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Oh, no you're not.

Calamity:
I'd like to know why not!

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
For two very good reasons: first, your a girl...

[indicating Rowena]

Calamity:
She's a girl.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Yeah, but she's a big girl.

[to Rowena]

Calamity:
Well, you'd like me to go with you.

Rowena Greeley:
Why, yes, I think that'd be very nice!

[Bill glares at Calamity who smiles triumphantly]

[last lines]

Rowena Greeley:
Bill, I'm terribly sorry I misjudged you and I'm sorry for all the things I said. I only wish there was something I could do.

Calamity:
There is! Kiss him.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Now, Calamity...

[Rowena grabs Bill and kisses him]

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Of all the hard-ridin', hard-shootin', just plain hard hombres that ever plagued the American frontier, about the worst was a passle of outlaws that called themselves "The Wild Bunch." Butch Cassidy was the leader. They seemed to be headin' for the Mexican border. The border's not far south of Wileyville. The only way across it for a good many miles is the toll road through Redskin Gap. The combination toll collector, border guard and chief cook is a retired sea dog named Barnacle Barney. Barney got so homesick for the sea, he fitted the toll station out like a ship's bridge. And you can imagine how facinatin' a set-up like that could be for an bright kid like Buffalo Bill Jr.'s kid sister, my adopted daughter, Calamity.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
If we don't do something right away, Butch Cassidy will get across the border. Calamity, when the Judge gets back on Old Nellie, you tell him...

Calamity:
Oh, no! I'm going with you.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
No you're not.

Calamity:
And why not?

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
For two very good reasons. First, you're a little girl.

Calamity:
That reason's no good! Now, what's the other one?

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Butch Cassidy is loose and he's dangerous.

Calamity:
But I won't be safe away from you, 'cause I'm just a little girl.

Gil Carter:
Then you knew we were after Mexican money.

Butch Cassidy:
Why sure! In Mexico, you need Mexican money.

Calamity:
You be careful! You're the only brother I got.

[last lines]

[the Judge returns from the county seat and finds Butch Cassidy and the Wild Bunch locked in a jail cell]

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Who, ah?

Marshal Jeffrey:
They did it.

Calamity:
We helped get the money back and capture Butch Cassidy and the Wild Bunch. We're heroes!

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
So? Well, one of you little heroes is going to have to wash the dishes tonight and the other's gonna have to chop a pile of wood.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Oh, now just a minute, Judge.

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
And to make dead sure that the job gets well done, I'm going to take both of you into protective custody and see that it is done. Now, give me your hands.

[In the ensueing confusion, the Judge snaps the handcuffs on his own wrists]

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Well, how in tarnation did I...

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Looks like you've taken yourself into protective custody.

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Better get the file again, Bill. Looks like I've lost my key.

[the Judge is enraged when someone broke into his store and stole food, ammunition and a rifle]

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Just wait till I catch him. I'll throw the book at him! I'll give at least fifty years!

Calamity:
Judge, you've got to take this calmly. Remember your blood pressure.

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Oh, it ain't my blood pressure that's up, Calamity, it's my dander!

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Wait'll I get my clothes on. I'll go out and catch that sidewinder!

[while Calamity distracts the Judge with her imaginary stomach ache, Bill rides off in pursuit of the thief, leaving the Judge to eat his dust]

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Why that young whippersnapper!

[to Calamity]

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
You know that awful pain and ache you had in your tummy just a minute a go, young lady?

Calamity:
Y-y-yes.

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Well, it's going to be transferred to the seat of your pants!

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Laws ain't made to exclude young folks, Calamity. If he's old enough to steal, he's old enough to take his punishment.

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Well, I guess there's nothing left to be judged, and it's my painful duty to find you guilty as charged

Calamity:
But, Judge, you can't put him in prison!

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
And as Judge of this court, it's my duty to pronounce sentence. I sentence you to a hot bath... with plenty of soap and water - and a good home-cooked meal. And furthermore, you'll remain in the custody of me and Bill till we can find out where in tarnation you come from.

[Calamity enters the room where and Bill is giving Bobby a bath]

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
There you are, Bobby. Now as soon as you dry off, you can use this shirt here - and don't try sneakin' out on me.

Calamity:
Don't worry, Bill. I'll keep an eye on him!

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Under the circumstances, my dear little sister, you better do your watching from outside.

Calamity:
I told you everything would be alright, Bobby. He's my brother. He can do anything!

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Except hold rein on you, little sister.

[last lines]

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Still plannin' on headin' further west, Tom?

Tom Bishop:
No, Judge, I think we found our home. We kind of like Wileyville and the people in it.

Bobby Bishop:
Sure do, Pa!

Calamity:
That's good, Bobby, because in about ten years or so, I got plans for you!

Bobby Bishop:
Gosh, Pa, now it looks like I'm the one with the troubles.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Just like you said, Judge. Not only is she beautiful, but she's the bravest woman I ever met.

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Yessir! If I was forty years younger, she's just the kind of woman I'd like make my wife.

Calamity:
All I have to say is I'm glad you're too young, Bill and you're too old, Judge.

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
It's very unbecoming of the young to speak so disrespectfully to their elders.

Calamity:
I wasn't speaking disrespectfully; I just don't like her.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Why? Give us one good reason!

Calamity:
Just because.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
That's no reason.

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Son, when you get as old as I am, you'll learn - that's a woman's reason. 'Course, it don't make any sense to us, but it suits them, even when they're a spratling like this one.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Spratling!

Calamity:
Well, it takes a woman to understand a woman... and I'm not a spratling!

[last lines]

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
That gal sure pulled the wool over my eyes. I guess there's no fool like an old fool - like me.

Calamity:
Except maybe a young fool - like certain people I know.

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Don't you call me a fool!

Calamity:
Well, don't you ever call me a spratling again!

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Why...

[Bill and Calamity shake hands]

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Like I always said: you can't make yourself big standin' in the shadow of a better man.

Calamity:
Shh! He's outside now!

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Who?

Calamity:
Billy the Kid!

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Why don't you go outside and surround him?

[last lines]

Calamity:
I knew it was Billy the Kid all the time.

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
Then why didn't you tell me, young lady? And you, too, young man? I hereby sentence you to thirty days for concealin' evidence - the both of you!

Buffalo Bill Jr.:
Thirty days!

Calamity:
In jail?

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
No - washin' dishes all by yourself

Buffalo Bill Jr., Calamity:
But Judge...

Judge Ben 'Fair and Square' Wiley:
With one month off for good behavior