Bull Durham

Annie Savoy:
I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring... which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250... not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. 'Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball - now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God's sake? It's a long season and you gotta trust. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
Why's he calling me meat? I'm the one driving a Porsche.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
You told him didn't you?

Crash Davis:
Yup.

Skip:
Don't take this the wrong way Millie, but if I catch you in here again I'll ban you from the ballpark.

Millie:
You can't ban me from the ballpark because my daddy donated the scoreboard.

Skip:
What do we need a scoreboard for? We haven't scored any runs all season.

Joe Reardon:
He walked 18.

Larry:
New league record!

Joe Reardon:
Struck out 18.

Larry:
Another new league record! In addition he hit the sportswriter, the public address announcer, the bull mascot twice...

Larry:
Also new league records! But, Joe, this guy's got some serious sh*t.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
I don't hit no man first.

Crash Davis:
All right, then...

Crash Davis:
... hit me in the chest with that.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
I'd kill you!

Crash Davis:
Yeah? From what I hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a f***ing boat.

Crash Davis:
Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the show, you can let the fungus grow back and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the show, however, it means you are a slob.

Crash Davis:
Yeah, I was in the show. I was in the show for 21 days once - the 21 greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in the show, somebody else carries your bags. It was great. You hit white balls for batting practice, the ballparks are like cathedrals, the hotels all have room service, and the women all have long legs and brains.

Annie:
The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness.

Crash Davis:
You just got lesson number one: don't think; it can only hurt the ball club.

Crash Davis:
I never told him to stay out of your bed.

Annie Savoy:
You most certainly did.

Crash Davis:
I never told him to stay out of your bed.

Annie Savoy:
Yes you did.

Crash Davis:
I told him that a player on a streak has to respect the streak.

Annie Savoy:
Oh fine.

Crash Davis:
You know why? Because they don't - -they don't happen very often.

Annie Savoy:
Right.

Crash Davis:
If you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid, or because you're not getting laid, or because you wear women's underwear, then you ARE! And you should know that!

Crash Davis:
Come on, Annie, think of something clever to say, huh? Something full of magic, religion, bullshit. Come on, dazzle me.

Annie Savoy:
I want you.

Crash Davis:
It's time to work on your interviews.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
My interviews? What do I gotta do?

Crash Davis:
You're gonna have to learn your clichés. You're gonna have to study them, you're gonna have to know them. They're your friends. Write this down: "We gotta play it one day at a time."

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
Got to play... it's pretty boring.

Crash Davis:
'Course it's boring, that's the point. Write it down.

Crash Davis:
Last chance. Your place or mine?

Annie Savoy:
Despite my rejection of most Judeo-Christian ethics, I am, within the framework of the baseball season, monogamous.

Annie Savoy:
These are the ground rules. I hook up with one guy a season. Usually takes me a couple weeks to pick the guy - kinda my own spring training. And, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far, so I just thought we should kinda get to know each other.

Crash Davis:
Time out. Why do you get to choose?

Annie Savoy:
What?

Crash Davis:
Why do you get to choose? I mean, why don't I get to choose, why doesn't he get to choose?

Annie Savoy:
Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other. I mean, it's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing. Why, there are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart. Uh, it's like pheromones. You get three ants together, they can't do dick. You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
So is somebody going to go to bed with somebody or what?

Annie Savoy:
Honey, you are a regular nuclear meltdown. You better cool off. Ha ha, ha ha!

Annie Savoy:
Oh, where are you going?

Crash Davis:
After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out. Besides, uh, I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.

Annie Savoy:
What do you believe in, then?

Crash Davis:
Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the p*ssy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

Crash Davis:
Goodnight.

Annie Savoy:
Oh my. Crash...

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
Hey, Annie, what's all this molecule stuff?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
The other day Crash called a woman's pu... p*ssy... um, well, you know how the hair is kind of in a V-shape?

Annie Savoy:
Yes, I do.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
Well, he called it the Bermuda Triangle. He said that a man could get lost in there and never be heard from again.

Annie Savoy:
Right, honey, let's get down to it. How was Ebby Calvin LaLoosh?

Millie:
Well, he f***s like he pitches - sorta all over the place.

Annie Savoy:
Listen, sweetheart, you shouldn't listen to what a woman says when she's in the throes of passion. They say the darndest things.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
Yeah, you said "Crash"!

Annie Savoy:
Honey, would you rather I were making love to him using your name, or making love to you using his name?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while.

Crash Davis:
The rose goes in the front, big guy.

Skip:
You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!

Larry:
Lollygaggers!

Skip:
Lollygaggers.

Larry:
Sears sucks, Crash. Boy, I once worked there. Sold Lady Kenmores. Nasty, whoa, nasty.

Crash Davis:
Man that ball got outta here in a hurry. I mean anything travels that far oughta have a damn stewardess on it, don't you think?

Larry:
Well if anyone would know you were pulling your hips out early it'd be Annie.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
You're playing with my mind.

Annie Savoy:
I'm *trying* to play with your body.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
I knew it, you're trying to seduce me!

Annie Savoy:
Well of course I'm trying to seduce you, for God's sake, and I'm doing a damn poor job of it... Aren't I pretty?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
God, I think you're real cute.

Annie Savoy:
Cute? Baby ducks are cute, I HATE cute! I want to be exotic, and mysterious!

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
You are, you're exotic, and mysterious, and... cute... and... That's why I'd better leave.

Crash Davis:
You don't want a ballplayer; you want a stable pony.

Skip:
Nah.

Crash Davis:
Well, my triple-A contract gets bought out so I can hold some flavor-of-the-month's dick in the bus leagues, is that it? Well, f*** this f***ing game!

Crash Davis:
I quit, all right? I f***ing quit.

Crash Davis:
Who we play tomorrow?

Skip:
Winston-Salem. Batting practice at 11:30.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
How come you don't like me?

Crash Davis:
Because you don't respect yourself, which is your problem. But you don't respect the game, and that's my problem. You got a gift.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
I got a what?

Crash Davis:
You got a gift. When you were a baby, the Gods reached down and turned your right arm into a thunderbolt. You got a Hall-of-Fame arm, but you're pissing it away.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
I ain't pissing nothing away. I got a Porsche already; a 911 with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt.

Crash Davis:
Christ, you don't need a quadrophonic Blaupunkt! What you need is a curveball! In the show, everyone can hit heat.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
Well, how would you know? YOU been in the majors?

Crash Davis:
Yeah, I've been in the majors.

Larry:
Excuse me, but what the hell's going on out here?

Crash Davis:
Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live... is it a live rooster?

Crash Davis:
. We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present.

Crash Davis:
Is that about right?

Crash Davis:
We're dealing with a lot of sh*t.

Larry:
Okay, well, uh... candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get two! Go get 'em.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
Ooh, I've heard of stuff like this.

Annie Savoy:
Yeah? Have you heard of Walt Whitman?

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh:
No. Who's he play for?

Annie:
Millie, you've got to stay out of the clubhouse. It'll just get everybody in trouble.

Millie:
I got lured.

Annie:
You did not get "lured". Women never get lured. They're too strong and powerful for that. Now say it -- "I didn't get lured and I will take responsibility for my actions".

Millie:
I didn't get lured and I will take responsibility for my actions.

Annie:
That's better. Right, honey, let's get down to it. How was Ebby Calvin LaLoosh?

Millie:
Well, he fucks like he pitches. Sorta all over the place.

[Crash walks into Skip's office]

Larry:
Who are you? [To Skip] Who's he?

Crash:
I'm the player to be named later.

Skip:
Crash Davis? I'm Joe Riggins. [Shakes Crash's hand]

Crash:
And you, Larry Hockett, should recognize me, cause five years ago in the Texas League, you were pitching for El Paso, I was batting clean-up for Shreveport. You hung a curveball on a 0-2 pitch in a 3-2 game in the bottom of the 8th, and I tattooed it over the Michelin Tire sign and beat you 4-3.

Larry:
[grins] Yeah, I remember, I should've thrown a slider. Damn, Crash, how you doing?

Crash:
I'm too old for this sh*t. Why the hell am I back in A ball?

Skip:
'Cause of Ebby Calvin LaLoosh. Big club's got a hundred grand in him.

Larry:
He's got a million dollar arm, and a five cent head.

Skip:
Had a gun on him tonight. The last five pitched he threw were faster that the first five, He has the best young arm I've seen in 30 years. You've been around. You're smart, professional. We want you to mature the kid. We want you to room with him on the road, stay on his case all year. He could go all the way.

Crash:
Where can I go?

Skip:
You can keep going to the ballpark, and keep getting paid to do it. Beats the hell out of working at Sears.

Larry:
Sears sucks, Crash. I worked there once, sold old lady Kenmore. Nasty. Nasty business.

Skip:
And who cares if it's the Carolina League. It's a chance to play every day.

Crash:
You don't want a ballplayer; you want a stable pony.

Skip:
Nah.

Crash:
Well, my triple-A contract gets bought out so I can hold some flavor-of-the-month's dick in the bus leagues, is that it? Well, f*** this f***ing game! [pause] I quit, all right? I f***ing quit.

[Crash exits the office and stands in the clubhouse for a minute before sticking his head back through the door]

Crash:
Who we play tomorrow?

Skip:
Winston-Salem. Batting practice at 11:30.

Reporter:
So, how does it feel to get your first professional win?

Nuke:
It feels out there, I mean it's a major rush. [Grabs the reporter's recorder and continues talking into it] I mean, it doesn't just feel out there, I mean it feels out there, you know? Um, kind of radical in a kind of tubular way, you know? But, most of all, it's out there...

Crash:
[Watching nearby] This is hopeless. This is utterly f***ing hopeless.

Nuke:
[After he has challenged Crash to a fight] I don't hit no man first.

Crash:
All right, then, [throws him a baseball] hit me in the chest with that.

Nuke:
I'd kill you!

Crash:
Yeah?! From what I hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a f***ing boat! [the crowd that has gathered laughs] Come on; right here, right in the chest!

Nuke:
No way!

Crash:
C'mon, Meat! Throw it! You know you're not gonna hit me, cause you've already started to think about it, eh?! Thinkin' about how embarrassing it would be to miss in front of all these people, how somebody might laugh?! Come on, Meat, show us that million-dollar arm, 'Cause I got a good idea about that five-cent head of yours!

[Nuke throws the ball and misses Crash by several feet, breaking a window]

Crash:
Ball four.

Nuke:
Who the f*** are you, man?!

[Nuke charges at Crash, who drops him with one punch to the face]

Nuke:
Good punch...

Crash:
I'm Crash Davis; I'm your new catcher, and you just got lesson number one: Don't think. You can only hurt the ball club.

Skip:
You guys...you lollygag the ball around the infield! You lollygag your way down to first! You lollygag in and out of the dugout! Do you know what that makes you? Larry?!

Larry:
Lollygaggers!

Skip:
Lollygaggers! What's our record, Larry?

Larry:
8-16.

Skip:
8-16...How did we ever win eight?

Larry:
It's a miracle.

Skip:
It's a miracle. This is a simple game: You throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball. You got it?!

Crash:
Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic.

Nuke:
[to himself] What's this guy know about pitching? If he's so good how come he's been in the minors for the last ten years? If he's so good how come Annie wants me instead of him?

Crash:
[turns back] Oh, hey, and another thing, Meat. You don't know sh*t, all right? If you wanna make it to the bigs, you'll listen to me. Annie only wants you so she can boss you around, got it? So relax! Let's have some fun out here! This game's fun, OK? Fun goddamnit. And don't hold the ball so hard, OK? It's an egg. Hold it like an egg.

Nuke:
[to himself again] What's he know about fun? I'm young. I know about fun. An old man. He don't know nothin' about fun.

Crash:
[behind the plate again] All right. Nobody's goin' out there. [Crash calls for a curve ball]

Nuke:
[to himself] Why's he calling for a curve ball? I want to bring heat. Shake him off. Throw what you want.

[Crash gives Nuke the sign for the pitch, Nuke shakes his head again.]

Crash:
Timeout. [Walks to the mound] Hey! Why are you shaking me off? Huh?

Nuke:
I want to bring the heater. Announce my presence with authority.

Crash:
To announce your what?

Nuke:
Announce my presence with authority!

Crash:
To announce your f***ing presence with authority?! This guy's a first-ball, fastball hitter, he's looking for the heat.

Nuke:
So what? He ain't seen my heat.

Crash:
All right, Meat. Give him your heat. [He walks back to his place behind the plate.]

Nuke:
Why's he always calling me Meat? I'm the guy driving a Porsche.

Crash:
[to the batter at the plate] Fastball.

[Nuke throws it and the batter hits a home run. The batter stands there, watching.]

Crash:
What are you doin'? Huh? What are you doing standing here? I gave you a gift. You stand here showing up my pitcher? Run, dummy!

Crash:
Well, he really hit the sh*t outta that one, didn't he? [laughs]

Nuke:
[softly, infuriated] I held it like an egg.

Crash:
Yeah, and he scrambled the son of a b*tch. Look at that, he hit the f***ing bull! Guy gets a free steak! [laughs] You having fun yet?

Nuke:
Oh, yeah. Havin' a blast.

Crash:
Good.

Nuke:
God, that sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball!

Crash:
He did know.

Nuke:
How?

Crash:
I told him.

Nuke:
How come you don't like me?

Crash:
Because you don't respect yourself, which is your problem. But you don't respect the game, and that's my problem. You got a gift.

Nuke:
I got a what?

Crash:
You got a gift. When you were a baby, the Gods reached down and turned your right arm into a thunderbolt. You got a Hall-of-Fame arm, but you're pissing it away.

Nuke:
I ain't pissing nothing away. I got a Porsche already; a 911 with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt.

Crash:
Christ, you don't need a quadrophonic Blaupunkt! What you need is a curveball! In the Show, everyone can hit a fastball.

Nuke:
Well, how would you know? YOU been in the majors? Pft!

Crash:
...Yeah, I've been in the majors. [Players mutter in surprise]

Player:
You were in the Show, man?

Crash:
Yeah, I was in the Show. I was in the Show for 21 days once. The twenty-one greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in the Show? Somebody else carries your bags, it's great. You hit white balls for batting practice. Ballparks are like cathedrals. The hotels all have room service. The women all have long legs and brains.

Player:
They're really hot, huh?

Crash:
And so are the pitchers. They throw ungodly breaking stuff in the Show. Exploding sliders. [To LaLoosh] You could be one of those guys. Nuke could be one of those guys. But you don't give a f***, Meat.

Nuke:
I love winning, I f***ing love winning! You know what I'm saying? It's, like, better than losing? Teach me something new, man, I need to learn. Teach me something.

Crash:
Well, you got something to write with? Good, it's time to work on your interviews.

Nuke:
My interviews? What do I gotta do?

Crash:
You're gonna have to learn your cliches. You're gonna have to study them, you're gonna have to learn them, you're gonna have to know them. They're your friends. Write this down: "We gotta play 'em one day at a time."

Nuke:
[writing] "Got to play..." Pretty boring.

Crash:
Of course it's boring, that's the point. Write it down.

Nuke:
"One...day...at a time."

Crash:
Alright, "I'm just happy to be here, hope I can help the ball club." [Nuke looks at him] I know, WRITE IT DOWN.

Radio announcer:
I've never seen Crash so angry, and frankly, sports fans, he used a certain word that's a no-no with umpires.

[Annie turns off the radio]

Millie:
Crash must've called the guy a "cocksucker".

Annie:
God, he's so romantic.

Annie:
I think probably with my love of four-legged creatures and hooves and everything, that in another lifetime I was probably Catherine the Great, or Francis of Assisi. I'm not sure which one. What do you think?

Crash:
How come in former lifetimes, everybody is someone famous?

[Annie and Crash pause, then both laugh]

Crash:
[still laughing] I mean, how come nobody ever says they were Joe Schmo?

Annie:
Because it doesn't work that way, you fool!

Annie Savoy:
[Opening narration] I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance. [sigh] But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology.

Annie Savoy:
This is the damndest season I've ever had; the Durham Bulls can't lose and I can't get laid!

Annie Savoy:
[narrating] Baseball may be a religion full of magic, cosmic truth, and the fundamental ontological riddles of our time, but it's also a job.

Annie Savoy:
[narrating] "Full many a flower's born to blush unseen and waste its sweetness on the desert air." - Thomas Gray...or William Cullen Bryant, I don't know. I get them mixed up.

Annie Savoy:
[Closing narration] Walt Whitman once said, "I see great things in baseball. It's our game, the American game. It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us." You could look it up.

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh:
[Describing his first night with Annie] We didn't f***. She just read poetry to me all night. It was more tiring than f***ing.

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh:
"Limping jets of love"...Hey, Crash. Does that mean what I think it means, "limping jets of love"?

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh:
[Wearing Annie's garter belt under his uniform for the first time] This underwear feels kinda sexy...that don't make me queer, right? Right.

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh:
Why does he want me to throw the heat again, I just threw it. No, don't think, Meat, just give him the gas.

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh:
[Gives up a hit in a close game] Sh*t, piss, f***!

Crash Davis:
[Turns on the sprinklers on a ball field] Oh my goodness, we've got ourselves a natural disaster!

Crash Davis:
[To the batter after Nuke ignores his signs] This sonofabitch's pitching a 2-hit shutout and he's shaking me off, you believe that sh*t? Charlie, here comes the deuce, and when you speak of me, speak well.

Crash Davis:
Never f*** with a winning streak.

Crash Davis:
[Complaining to an umpire] That was a cocksucking call!

Crash Davis:
You know what the difference between hitting .250 and .300 is? It's 25 hits. 25 hits in 500 at-bats is fifty points, okay? There's six months in a season, that's about 25 weeks. That means if you get just one extra flare a week, just one; A gork, a groundball—you get a groundball with eyes—you get a dying quail...just one more dying quail a week, and you're in Yankee Stadium.

Crash Davis:
I've been known on occasion to howl at the moon.

Crash Davis:
[Repeated line] C'mon, Meat. Bring me that weak-ass sh*t.

[After Nuke finally pitches a scoreless inning, he and Crash sit next to each other in the dugout]

Nuke:
That was great, huh?

Crash:
Your fastball's up, your curveball's hanging; in the Show, they would've ripped you.

Nuke:
Can't you even let me enjoy the moment?

Crash:
The moment's over.