Burn After Reading

Osbourne Cox:
I have a drinking problem? F*** you, Peck! You're a Mormon! Next to you, we all have a drinking problem!

Harry Pfarrer:
[Panicking, after having reflexively shot Chad in the head] Oh, my f***! I shot a f***ing spook! Who the f*** are you, you f***er!!

Palmer:
We're moving you out of Sigint entirely.

Osbourne:
What? There's no discussion?

Palmer:
Well we're having the discussion now.

Osbourne:
What did Kathleen say?

Katie:
What?

Osbourne:
When you left the message.

Katie:
That she would give you the message!

Harry:
Is this goat cheese?

Osbourne:
Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese.

Harry:
Because I have lactose reflux. I can-

Osbourne:
You're lactose intolerant? Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things.

Harry:
I know what they are.

Osbourne:
Then you misspoke.

Harry:
[sarcastic] Well thank you for correcting me.

Katie:
[walking up] Try the chevre, Harry, it's very good.

Harry:
Oh, yeah, I can eat goat cheese.

Chad:
Throw it out?!

Linda:
You can't do that! You should put a note up in the ladies' locker room.

Chad:
Put a note up? "Highly classified sh*t found, Signals Intelligence sh*t, CIA sh*t? Hello? Did you lose your secret CIA sh*t?" I don't think so.

Katie:
What is going on?

Osbourne:
Some clown-a couple of clowns got a hold of my memoirs.

Katie:
Your what?

Osbourne:
Stole it or... I have no idea how they-

Katie:
Your what?

Osbourne:
My memoirs... the book I'm writing.

Katie:
Why in God's name would they think that's worth anything?!

Linda:
Where's the money?

Chad:
He hit me.

Linda:
Where's the money?!

Chad:
[Pause] He didn't give it to me.

CIA Supervisor:
Jesus F***ing Christ. What did we learn, Palmer?

Palmer:
I don't know sir.

CIA Supervisor:
I don't f***ing know either. I guess we learned not to do it again. I'm f***ed if I know what we did.

Palmer:
Yes sir, it's hard to say.

Intelligence is relative.

A high stakes love life and Jewel CIA shelter.

Intelligence is only their job.

Palmer:
In fact, we're moving you out of Sigint entirely.

Osbourne:
Just no discussion? Just, you're out?

Palmer:
Well, we're having the discussion now. Look, um, Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. Uh...

Osbourne:
Palmer, with all due respect. What the f*** are you talking about? [looks at Olsen] And why is Olsen here?

Palmer:
Uh, look, Ozzie, look...

Osbourne:
What the f*** is this?! I know it's not my work.

Palmer:
Ozzie...

Osbourne:
I'm a great f***ing analyst.

Palmer:
Okay, Ozzie...

Osbourne:
Is - is it my...

Palmer:
Ozzie, things have not been going well, as you know.

Peck:
You have a drinking problem.

[Osbourne looks at Peck. Short pause]

Osbourne:
I have a drinking problem?

Osbourne:
This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? F*** you, Peck. You're a Mormon!

Peck:
Ozzie...

Osbourne:
Next to you, we all have a drinking problem! What the f*** is this! Whose ass didn't I kiss! Huh?! Let's be honest!

Palmer:
Okay, uh...

Osbourne:
I mean, let us be f***ing honest. This is a crucifixion! This is political! And don't tell me it's not! [opens the door] "I have a drinking problem." [leaves]

Osbourne:
[sleepily] Hello?

Chad:
Uhhh... Osbourne?... Osbourne Cox?

Osbourne:
Yes?... Uh... Who is this?

Chad:
Ummm... This ummm... Is this Osbourne Cox?

Osbourne:
[still sleepy] Who is this?.. What time is it?.. Who is?

Chad:
Um... I'm a Good Samaritan... I'm sorry I'm calling at such an hour... But I thought you might be worried...

Osbourne:
Worried?

Chad:
About the security...... Of your sh*t.

Harry:
[Leading Linda downstairs] Yeah, I tell ya. I saw an ad for this in a gentlemen's magazine. Twelve hundred bucks, TWELVE HUNDRED BUCKS. I'm lookin' at this thing and I think, "You gotta be kiddin' me." I'm a hobbyist. Thing's basically nothing but speed rails. I figure I'd go down to Home Depot and whip this up myself for... a hundred bucks. [Pulls the tarp off the machine]

Linda:
...What is it?

Harry:
What is it?? [Points to the chair] You sit down there, make yourself comfortable, put your feet in the stirrups, and...

[Harry pushes the chair back, and when it comes forward, a dildo pushes up through a hole in the seat of the chair. The chair continues to rock back and forth, with the dildo going up and down]

Linda:
Oh my God!...[Hushed voice] THAT'S FANTASTIC.

Harry:
Something, isn't it? Hundred bucks, all in; not counting the labor and...the cost of the dildo -those things aren't cheap- See, I like to...I'm not set up to mold hard rubber.

Osbourne Cox:
What the f*** is this?

Osbourne Cox:
I know who you are, f***er!

Osbourne Cox:
[on the phone] I'm sorry, I don't know the number to, uh, my savings account because, believe it or not, I don't spend my entire day sitting around trying to memorize the f***ing numbers to my f***ing bank accounts! MORON!

Cia Supervisor:
Report back to me... when it makes sense.