Californication

Hank Moody:
I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.

Hank Moody:
Sorry for the mess on the rug. I didn't know your wife was such a squirter.

Hank Moody:
Ain't life f***in' grand?

[repeated line]

Hank Moody:
Muthaf***aaaa!

Marcy Runkle:
Jesus f***ing Christ, Charlie! We are in Escobar and you are bleeding all over my f***ing floor!

Charlie Runkle:
YOUR f***ing floor? It's my f***ing floor too and I'll bleed on it if I want to! Holy Jesus woman, I'm in dire straits here!

Becca Moody:
I f***ing hate you!

Hank Moody:
AND I F***IN' HATE YOU TOO, YOU LITTLE SH*T!

[repeated line]

Sue Collini:
Collini... out.

Judge McMartin:
Mr. Moody, before I commence sentencing, do you have anything you'd like to say for yourself?

Hank Moody:
Yes I do, your honor. But I'm not sure it would move you one way or the other. Begging for mercy is not my style, and to do so at this stage would be disingenuous anyway. The only thing that I'm truly sorry for is embarassing my daughter and her mother. Everything else is just noise. Plain and simple. Thank you your honor. Oh, and free the West Memphis Three.

Hank Moody:
I fainted? Like a little girl?

Abby Rhodes:
Pretty much, yeah.

Hank Moody:
What a p*ssy I am.

Abby Rhodes:
You said it, I just thought it.

Hank Moody:
This is Karen's chilled black bohemian lover. Blackhemian. Is that a word? Coining it!

Karen:
And the judge? Did you sleep with the judge too?

Hank Moody:
No, no. Just a little oral... and some anal.

Charlie Runkle:
Well, at least you and the Abster can shag with no shame now, wight?

Karen:
Nice.

Charlie Runkle:
Whaaat?

Hank Moody:
Thank you, Charlie.

Sasha Bingham:
One you f***ed my mother, my vagina pretty much sealed right up.

Hank Moody:
Oh, so you're like a Barbie now.

Sasha Bingham:
When it comes to you. Yeah.

Hank Moody:
So you're smooth and hairless with little peachy cleft right there? I would very much like to see that someday.

Director:
It's gorgeous. It's a gorgina.

Charlie Runkle:
Do you remember when you asked me to tell you when you're acting really crazy?

Peggy:
Aham.

Charlie Runkle:
Right now.

Hank Moody:
You're not gonna play me like that, are you?

Eddie Nero:
Like what, friend?

Hank Moody:
Like a cross between Bruce Springsteen and Mickey Rourke. In a gay bar.

Eddie Nero:
[to Hank, upon watching Marcy and Peggy fighting] I just got a major hard-on. Feel it! Feel it!

Actress Karen:
Why does he love her so much? What is it about her? I don't know. I don't think I have ever known. I think sometimes you get it right at the first time and then it defines your life. It becomes who you are.

Actress Karen:
Why does he love her so much? What is it about her?

Hank Moody:
I don't know. I don't think I have ever known. I think sometimes you get it right at the first time and then it defines your life. It becomes who you are.

Hank Moody:
[to Becca about why he does what he does with women] But I need you to know that I started out with the best of intentions. I guess I just wanted them all to see it, the thing that makes them special. I guess that's all anybody wants... is to be seen... to be recognized. Then the lines get blurry...

Mia Gross:
Rome is burning, he said, as he poured himself another drink. Yet, here I am knee deep in another river of p*ssy. Here it comes, she thought. Another self indulgent, whiskey soaked, diatribe about how f***ing great everything was in the past. And how all us poor souls born too late to see the Stones at - wherever, or snort the good coke that they had at Studio 54 - well, we all just missed out on practically everything worth living for. And the worst part was, she agreed with him. Here we are, she thought, at the edge of the world - the very edge of western civilization and all of us are so desperate to feel something... anything... that we keep falling into each other and f***ing our way toward the end of days.

Hank Moody:
Don't you lock?

Karen:
What would you do if our little spawn actually became, like, a rock star?

Hank Moody:
I would be really proud of her.

Karen:
You would?

Hank Moody:
And I would be there to help pump her stomach when she OD'd.

Hank Moody:
What is your name, by the way?

Venice Beach Girl:
Wouldn't you rather just f*** me and never know?

Hank Moody:
Oh, f***. Who says romance is dead?

Mia Lewis:
Rome is burning, he said as he poured himself another drink, yet here i am knee deep in a river of p*ssy. Here it comes, she thought, another self-indulgent whiskey soaked rant about how everything was so f***ing different in the past. And all us poor souls born too late to see the Stones at wherever or snort the good coke like they had at studio 54. Well we'd all just missed out on practically everything worth living for. And the worst part was she agreed with him. Here we are, she thought, At the edge of the world, the very edge of western civilization, and all of us are so desperate to feel something, anything, that we keep falling into each other and f***ing our way towards the end of days.

Karen:
Coffee?

Hank Moody:
Oh GOD yes!

Hank Moody:
You're a terrible driver.

Karen:
I am not.

Hank Moody:
Yes you are. You're like an Asian woman. With Alzheimer's. No arms or legs. Steering with your tongue.

Marcy Runkle:
You're dating our realter?

Charlie Runkle:
If by dating you mean entering her on a semi-regular basis, then yes.

Marcy Runkle:
Delightful. I'm so glad to hear the slut-parade continues.

Charlie Runkle:
Hank Moody. Ronny Praeger, the very gifted auteur behind Vaginatown.

Hank Moody:
Oh, I'm honored, I'm a big fan. What is next for you? A Cockwork Orange or perhaps Twenty-sixty-nine: A Sit On My Face Odyssey?

Hank Moody:
[explaining life to Lew] There is no life without love. None worth having anyway.

Hank Moody:
Sometimes it's better not to touch your dreams. Take it from someone who knows.

Charlie Runkle:
That is profound... ly depressing.

Hank Moody:
Charlie?

Charlie Runkle:
Yes?

Hank Moody:
Is that a dildo in your pocket or you're just happy to see me go.

Tyler:
My folks were out of town, alright?

Hank Moody:
That's what your folks told you. They actually hate your guts and rue the day that your father ever failed to pull out in time.

Tyler:
Why don't you go easy on me, man? I got my ass beaten about a week ago

Hank Moody:
I know. I know that. And I was almost sad when I heard the news. And than I was vaguely disappointed when I heard you weren't gonna die or anything like that. But knowing that you were in great pain did make me smile. It's the little things, you know.

Charlie Runkle:
I'm trying to re-discover the simple pleasures of a masturbating teenager. When girls were magical creatures, who didn't go ATM.

Charlie Runkle:
I have been watching so much porn on the internet lately that I've been seeking so much sexual gratification that it's like I don't even know how to relate to real women anymore.

Hank Moody:
You think that your father loved your mother's beautiful p*ssy any less because she had more hair down there?

Club Guy:
Don't be talking about my mom's p*ssy!

Hank Moody:
Why? I said it was beautiful, man.

Hank Moody:
You can't snort a line of coke off a woman's ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly.

Trixie:
So what are your thoughts of rehab?

Hank Moody:
Rehab is for quitters.

Charlie Runkle:
I'm sorry about your old man. You know, he was a good guy.

Hank Moody:
No he was not. He used to say you looked like a walking penis.

Charlie Runkle:
Well, that's not very nice.

Al Moody:
Life's too short to dance with fat chicks.

Al Moody:
[seeing a guy who looks like Tom Cruise] I liked him in that Vietnam movie. He played a good cripple.

Charlie Runkle:
Me? What about YOU? Why don't you whip out your Hitchcock and give it a cameo?

Hank Moody:
I wanna ask you a question, Runkle, and how you answer will determine whether or not I will put this cigarette out on your a**hole. Would you take me the f*** home?

Charlie Runkle:
Home it is, my good man.

Hank Moody:
I'm not immune to kind words, especially when they're so true.

Hank Moody:
Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize, I've already said too much. I just got out of jail, and I haven't slept, eaten, or - pardon me, milady - taken a decent crap in days. Except his coffee does seem to be working. It is time to release the Kraken.

Hank Moody:
Alright, I wanna thank each and every one of you. Especially you, Sasha Bingham. You say you have great tits, and I most certainly concur, but that ass of yours is no slouch either.

Hank's Lawyer:
Is there something I should know here?

Charlie Runkle:
Such as?

Hank's Lawyer:
Is he retarded?

Hank Moody:
Hey!

Charlie Runkle:
He's actually quite a good guy once you get to know him. He's very pleasant. Very agreeable.

Hank's Lawyer:
Good to know. Because on paper, he looks like a total piece of sh*t.

Hank's Lawyer:
It says here you were arrested for assaulting a filmmaker named Todd Carr.

Hank Moody:
A shitty filmmaker named Todd Carr. Does it say shitty there? Because it should.

Hank's Lawyer:
You know what? This is a big f***ing waste of my time. Good luck to you, Mr. Moody.

Charlie Runkle:
Apologize, you idiot!

Hank Moody:
Okay, look. I'm sorry that I talked about my balls. My big, beautiful balls. That was inappropriate.

Hank Moody:
[Charlie hugs Hank] Oh, big boy... are you crying?

Charlie Runkle:
A little.

Hank Moody:
Jesus Christ.

Becca Moody:
Have you had the sex?

Hank Moody:
[after catching Charlie photographing his secretary] Holy F***-nuts!

Charlie Runkle:
Sh*t!

[falls over]

Charlie Runkle:
If anybody deserves to be disciplined it's me.

[Looks at Hank]

Charlie Runkle:
That's not an invitation!

Charlie Runkle:
What, don't you f***ing knock?

Hank Moody:
Don't you lock?

Mia Lewis:
Hi Bill.

Bill Lewis:
"Dad" or "Daddy", please.

Becca Moody:
Father?

Hank Moody:
Offspring?

Hank Moody:
Sometimes, it's best not to get involved in the affairs of others.

Becca Moody:
That's interesting, coming from the most intrusive man I know.

Hank Moody:
It's true, I am kind of retarded, but I am also kind of amazing.

[about having sex with Karen]

Marcy Runkle:
I don't want to go where Hank has been. I mean, he probably left booby-traps up there like the Vietcong.

Hank Moody:
How the f*** do you option a blog? What is there to option? The title? The font?

Marcy Runkle:
What is a marriage if not an opportunity to mock someone through thick and thin while simultaneously exploring your deepest, darkest sexual desires?

Hank Moody:
[to Charlie] I know you Hebrews do things a little differently, but the last time I checked a m?nage ? trois was not a pitstop on the road to redemption.

Hank Moody:
Just because something is bleak doesn't necessarily make it true.

Hank Moody:
Hell-A Magazine blog number 1. Hank hates you all. A few things I've learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is better than a night of loneliness. Two, I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. And 3, while I'm down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I'm not talking about a huge 70's Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I'm performing cunnilingus on an adult. But I guess the larger question is why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying it's female population.

Hank Moody:
[looking in bathroom mirror] Nobody likes you, you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you f***ing douche.

[about a painting]

Hank Moody:
What the f*** is that?

Bill Lewis:
Oh, you like it? I could have bought a car instead.

Hank Moody:
I think you should still buy the car and then run over whoever created that turd.

Hank Moody:
Well, your breasts are obviously real... and... eh... you have an abundance of pubic hair, which is really nice and... eh... there's no evidence of vaginal rejuvenation. I'd say, aside from the fact that you worship a space alien, you just might be the most beautiful woman I've seen in a long, long time.

Hank Moody:
A few things I've learned in my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One: a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness.

Charlie Runkle:
Have you heard about Hell-A magazine?

Hank Moody:
Hell-No.

Hank Moody:
First of all, you could not handle me hitting it off with somebody right in front of you.

Karen:
Oh, you're right. It could be very painful, but I think I'll get through it.

Hank Moody:
Okay, so I take this to mean that the answer is 'no', that you're not going to marry me.

Bill Lewis:
Hank, I'm standing right here.

Karen:
Did you ever stop and think that it might be nice for Rebecca to see us all get along for a change?

Hank Moody:
Well yes, and it might be nice if I could fellate myself while farting The White Album but I haven't been able to quite master that yet.

Hank Moody:
Kiss my black ass.

Hank Moody:
It could be worse.

Sonja:
Really, how so?

Hank Moody:
Well instead of finding out that your husband was gay, you could've found out that he was a... scientologist.

Sonja:
I'm a scientologist, Hank.

Hank Moody:
...or a Nazi?

Daisy:
If I can't actually be with you Charlie, I'd kinda like the last person I had on-screen sex with to be you.

Charlie Runkle:
That's like one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. And yet totally gross for you.

[Hank went to the doctor because he has a lump on his penis]

Dr. Riess:
So what are you working on these days?

Hank Moody:
What am I working on? I'm working on trying to figure out what that f***ing lump in my junk is. That's what I'm working on.

Hank Moody:
There's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it, it wasn't on the make, it was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another, next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there's this feeling in my gut she might be the one. She's completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic with a great deal of maintenance required, she is you, Karen.

Hank Moody:
It's a big bad world full of twist and turns, and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could have changed everything...

Atticus:
[Looking at Faith] Tony said when you came into his life, he was blocked and bloated and strung out on China white, and two days later, he had a double album's worth of material. "I would very much like to receive the same benefits. In exchange for which you would receive first-class travel, pharmaceutical grade narcotics, the occasional trinket, and a solid 5.9 inches of rock-star penis. That's from taint to tip. And that's the high end of average. Don't believe what you read!

Hank Moody:
I love women. I have all their albums.

[to Meredith]

Hank Moody:
Try not to forget all the times I brought you to fruition. 33 to be exact.

[to Meredith]

Hank Moody:
Hey. You know, it's not fair to say BRB and then never actually BRB.

Hank Moody:
'B' to the 'I' to the double 'L'. What's up, my nig nog?

Bill Lewis:
I need to talk to you.

Hank Moody:
Well, you should have called. I wouldn't have answered, but you could've left a message, which I would have quickly erased.

Radio Show Host:
What's your latest obsession?

Hank Moody:
Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. People... they don't write anymore, they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people at a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English.

Radio Show Host:
Yet you're part of the problem, I mean you're out there blogging with the best of them.

Hank Moody:
Hence my self-loathing.

Marcy Runkle:
You can have the ass if you want.

Charlie Runkle:
You can keep it.

[to Becca]

Damien:
I got you something.

[he gives her an MP3 player]

Damien:
I put a playlist on there, our playlist, the one we made out to. All 17 songs.

Hank Moody:
What! Seventeen songs? That's a lot of making out.

[looking at a painting]

Hank Moody:
Ah! Look at this monstrosity.

Janie Jones:
I like this one.

Hank Moody:
You do?

Janie Jones:
Yeah, that's how I feel.

Hank Moody:
What's that? Alienated, nauseous, culturally dispossessed?

Janie Jones:
No. Horny.

Lew Ashby:
Life is just too f***ing boring not to try.

Karen:
[to Abby] I think the world sees Hank as this fabulous f***up and, uhm, I know that guy, I've spent a lot of time with that guy, but I am better acquainted with the other guy. The one that listens and hears everything. The one that looks at you and sees right into your soul. The one that makes you believe in every f***ing fairytale that you've ever been told. Ultimately I may not even be the one who gets to enjoy the man that I know he can be, but I still want the best for him because I want the best for my daughter.

Karen (McElhone, Natascha):
You know, sh*t comes flying at you and you got to deal with it. That's what defines you, how you deal with it. You don't get points for wallowing.

Charlie Runkle:
I smell me an Independent Spirit Award!

Director:
How delightful, Hank. Very well played, by the way. So... erotic.

Marcy Runkle:
Did you see those hideous f***ing creatures downstairs? I don't want one of those!

Director:
He doesn't like you Agent. He smells your fear, your weakness.

Hank Moody:
One dead millionaire. One dead monkey. Autoerotic asphyxiation. The billionaire, not the monkey.

[to Becca, on her first day of school]

Hank Moody:
Whatever you do, don't be another brick in the wall.

Trixie:
Hank Moody, my hero. Just say the word if you want to be properly rewarded. My treat of course.

Lew Ashby:
Seriously? You'd comb him?

Trixie:
Sure, why not? I've sampled the merchandise I know it's fresh.

Hank Moody:
I do remember you telling me that you never came that hard with a John before. Thought it was a line but as you walked away your knees were a little wobbly so I thought maybe, yeah maybe...

Lew Ashby:
Hold on, slow down, are you saying he's f***ing better than me?

Hank Moody:
F***ing better at the f***ing yes, I believe that's what's she's getting at.

Trixie:
No that is not what what I'm getting at. Please what a stupid question, are the Stones better than the Beatles?

Lew Ashby:
F***ing aye they are!

Hank Moody:
I must agree with the man.

Hank Moody:
Just because I fired you doesn't mean I don't love you with all my heart. Just kidding.

Hank Moody:
[upon getting fellatio from a nun] Sweet baby Jesus, Hank is going to hell.

Hank Moody:
Yo K-Fed, the little man on the boat he's up here, that's where he is, right here.

[makes V symbol and dirty tongue motion towards top]

Becca:
Father?

Hank Moody:
Daughter?

Becca:
Can I ask you something?

Hank Moody:
Anything, my love.

Becca:
Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom?

Hank Moody:
You wait right there okay?

Becca:
There's no hair on her vagina. Do you think she's ok?

Hank Moody:
I'll check.

Hank Moody:
So, not only are you a cadaverous lay, you also have shitty taste in movies.

[Hank and Mia had a one-night stand]

Karen Van Der Beek:
This is Mia, Bill's daughter, and this is Hank. You two know each other?

Hank Moody:
No.

Mia Gross:
Well, I do recognize you.

Hank Moody:
No.

Mia Gross:
Yeah, sure I do.

Hank Moody:
No.

Mia Gross:
From your book. Your picture is on the back.

Hank Moody:
[to Meredith] Now you're giving me that look, right now, like I fingerblasted your cat.

[about Hank]

Becca:
Don't yell at him!

Karen Van Der Beek:
I'm not going to yell at him... much.

Hank Moody:
What?

Karen Van Der Beek:
You smell like p*ssy.

Hank Moody:
Thank you.

[to Karen]

Hank Moody:
Oh, I know that look. That's the look that shrivels me testes.

Hank Moody:
I was just trying to have a little chat with your husband up there.

Nun:
Is there something I can help you with?

Hank Moody:
Oh no, I don't want to bother a real live person about it.

Becca:
So, who won that round?

Hank Moody:
Oh, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.

Becca:
Looks like a fun game.

Hank Moody:
You think I made her laugh?

Becca:
Sure. A little. On the inside.

Hank Moody:
'Yellow Submarine'?

Becca:
'Pirates'.

Hank Moody:
Again?

Becca:
Johnny Depp is hot.

Karen Van Der Beek:
Well, Bill and I never touched each other till we were dead and buried.

Hank Moody:
Okay, are you trying to make me throw up now?

Mia Gross:
Hey, that was really cool what you did tonight, it's nice to see some good old fashion family values in this morally bankrupt city of ours.

Hank Moody:
That's me, I'm all about the family values.

Mia Gross:
What happened to your eye?

Karen Van Der Beek:
Yeah what did happen to your eye, Hank?

Hank Moody:
Well, you should see the other guy.

Mia Gross:
I hope she doesn't press charges.

Hank Moody:
It was not a "she", it was a "he", the other guy.

Mia Gross:
Right, or whatever I'm off to bed, good night. It was nice to meet you, Hank.

Hank Moody:
Nice to meet you, too.

[last lines]

Karen Van Der Beek:
I was just f***ing with you.

Hank Moody:
Good bye.

[first lines]

Hank Moody:
[to Jesus] Hey, big guy, you and me. We've never done this before but desperate times call for desperate measures. My name is Hank.

Nun:
Hello, Hank.

Hank Moody:
So, not only are you a cadaverous lay, you also have terrible taste in movies.

Charlie Runkle:
UAAAAAAAAAA! How much disrespect can one man take?

Charlie Runkle:
It's very hard to put a toothpaste back in the tube Marcy.

Hank Moody:
I like to think I have a 12-inch cock, but it doesn't make it so. Two inches shy.

Hank Moody:
Rectum? Damn near killed him.

Becca:
She called.

Karen:
She who?

Becca:
That real estate whore. She's bringing some people by.

Karen:
Language, young lady.

Becca:
Next time she tells me to clean my room, I'm gonna say, "Clean this, lady" and give her a titty twister.

Hank Moody:
As much as I'd like to see that, the idea is to sell this place and get out of dodge. If you tidied up your shrine to Norwegian death metal, it might facilitate things a bit.

[last lines]

Becca Moody:
Merry f***ing Christmas. Can we go home already?

Karen, Hank Moody:
SHUT UP.

Dr. Daniel Allen:
You know, I never wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up, Hank. I didn't want to play for the Yankees. Not me; I wanted to be a dentist... and I wanted to marry a busty blonde hygienist.

Hank Moody:
Oh my.

Dr. Daniel Allen:
And when Julia walked in my office that very first time, I knew she was the one.

Hank Moody:
Is she aware of her role in your manifest destiny?

Dr. Daniel Allen:
Well, we haven't discussed it per se, but... the chemistry is quite palpable. We are very good for one another. We're a team. Isn't that the very definition of a great relationship? Teamwork?

Hank Moody:
I thought it was laughter, hot sex, and the occasional Dutch oven. At least, that's what my grandma always said.

Hank Moody:
I have a confession to make, I didn't like you very much at first you were just this annoying little blob. You smelled nice, most of the time, but didn't seem to have much interest in me; which I of course found vaguely insulting. It was you and your mom against the world, funny how some things never change. So I cruised along doing my thing, acting the fool, not really understanding how being a parent changes you. I don't remember the exact moment everything changed, I just know that it did. One minute I was impenetrable, nothing could touch me, the next my heart was somehow beating outside my chest exposed to the elements. Loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact, it's been almost too much to bare. As your father I made a silent vow to protect you from the world, never realizing I was the one who would end up hurting you the most. When I flash forward my heart breaks, mostly because I can't imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride. How could you? Your father is a child in a man's body, he cares for nothing and everything at the same time, noble in thought... weak in action. Something has to change, something has to give.

Becca Moody:
I can't believe you f***ed ALL of them.

Charlie Runkle:
What've you got going on later?

Hank Moody:
Oh, I don't know... I thought I'd start the day with some dry toast and half a grapefruit, bust out the old computer, bang out 10 pages, maybe go for a run. Maybe I'll just jerk off and go back to bed. Wake me up when you come home.

Hank Moody:
What about the Marce? You gotta miss the Marce. I know you miss the Marce, right? That sexy, little smurf was good to you.

Charlie Runkle:
That sexy, little smurf cheated on me with my assistant.

Hank Moody:
Yes, but you cheated on her with your assistant. First, I might add.

Marcy Runkle:
It's like disconnecting a bomb. I mean, there's all these wires and all down there, who knows which one you're supposed to cross, or pull... plus: the studies show that the female orgasm is like 99% mental - who has time for that!

Karen:
OK, so - so that's good. So you want to go back to the 4-minute gruntfest thing, like in-out, done...

Marcy Runkle:
Yeah

Karen:
So you're done with the uh - the lesbetarian experiment...

Marcy Runkle:
The grass is always greener, you know?

Karen:
Uh-huh

Marcy Runkle:
Isn't that how you got engaged to be buried?

Karen:
It's a Canadian diamond.

Marcy:
Are they good with the diamonds, the Canadians? I thought just the bacon.

Hank Moody:
Oh, it's you again.

Nun:
Back for another blowj*b?

Hank Moody:
No, no-no. Although that was very nice of you that other time, you give excellent head. For a nun.

Nun:
Lifetime of service, Hank.

Hank Moody:
What did she say?

Charlie Runkle:
She wanted to play home invasion. Yeah, you break in, pistol-whip me, tie me to a chair, and then I have to watch while you rape her.

Hank Moody:
What is wrong with kids today?

Marcy Runkle:
You remember the time though, when we went to Santa Barbara, and Mr. Anally Fixated over here got us kicked out of the hotel pool?

Charlie Runkle:
I cannot speak of such things in front of the young lady.

Marcy Runkle:
Why? She knows what a disgusting perv you are.

Becca Moody:
I do. I made peace with it a long time ago. It doesn't mean you're not a nice man.

Hank Moody:
Pity those poor kids, who are never gonna forget this image of this big naked man-baby rising up from the water like the creature from the pasty white lagoon.

Stu Baggs:
Blowj*bs are like hand shakes.

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.:
You seem to be in pretty good shape. Where do you work out? You do the steps?

Hank Moody:
...the steps?

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.:
In Santa Monica. It's quite a scene; lots of lovely ladies. You can really make a day out of it.

Hank Moody:
Yeah... yeah... [looks around aimlessly]

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.:
What's up? Need something?

Hank Moody:
No, I'm just thinking... if I wanted to hang myself, do you think this chandelier here will support my weight? About 175, 180.

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.:
Got an interesting sense of humor, Hank.

Hank Moody:
That's what they tell me, Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.:
I'll take care of you.

Hank Moody:
Thank you, Lloyd Alan Philips Jr. I feel safe with you.

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.:
What are you reading right now?

Hank Moody:
What am I... reading?

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.:
What's on your nightstand right now?

Hank Moody:
That's an interesting question. Um, bottle of Heineken, pack of smokes, The Accommodator.

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.:
The Accommodator... like a novel?

Hank Moody:
No no, it's more like a sex toy; a dildo essentially, only you strap it to your head so that the dong part juts out from your chin. It enables you to accommodate your lady by performing oral and penetrado at the same time. [does a visual demonstration]

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.:
Interesting.

Hank Moody:
I think it's very interesting. I could hook you up.

Karen:
You look great.

Hank Moody:
I look like a f***ing FBI agent.

Meredith:
My baby.

Hank Moody:
You have a baby with married guy? Holy f***!

Meredith:
No, my dog, Cat Stevens.

Hank Moody:
You have a dog named Cat Stevens? Holy f***!

Hank Moody:
What the f*** do you want?

Mia Lewis:
I'm late.

Hank Moody:
What? That's not possible. I...I...I...I...I...I...I wore a condom. That's... that would be like, uh, the immaculate conception. And you, you're the one who... y, you... and then you left.

Mia Lewis:
I'm late for school.

[trying to lure a dog named Cat Stevens]

Hank Moody:
Hey, Cat Stevens. C'mere, Cat. Come here. I'll take you away from all this. Cat... Yusuf Islam. Peace Train's a good song. C'mere, Cat. C'mere.

Hank Moody:
Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like a tired old whore whose uterus is about to fall out?

Meredith:
I think I'm in touch with that emotion.

Hank Moody:
Really? I was just being dramatic; do tell.

Becca Moody:
I'm not going to live with my dad because it's fun. I'm going because I have to. I don't know if you've noticed, but your dad is about to marry my mom.

Mia Lewis:
Yeah, so?

Becca Moody:
So it's really happening. He can't pretend anymore that it's not. And whatever miraculous thing he thought was going to happen with the writing. You know that thing he wrote back home in New York was going to be the redemption of his soul. Obviously, that's not happening either.

Mia Lewis:
No, I guess not.

Becca Moody:
So it's official. Rock bottom. The death of hope. Can't leave him alone now. The man's got nothing.

Hank Moody:
You are a very young sociopath in training.

Mia Lewis:
Oh, come on. That's like Satan calling one of his junior minions a big meanie.

Hank Moody:
Sorry I'm late. I just, uh...

Charlie Runkle:
Just what?

Hank Moody:
Nah, that's all I got.

Hank Moody:
If I do anything about this sh*t, there's no telling of what she's going to do. There's no stopping her from telling Karen... or Bill... or Becca.

Charlie Runkle:
F***, the police!

Hank Moody:
F*** the police.

Becca Moody:
I want to live with dad. I'll still visit and stuff. I just, I want most of the time with dad.

Hank Moody:
That... is the first I've heard of this, Karen. Karen?

[Karen walks away]

Hank Moody:
Karen. Karen! Uh, Becca, have you, um... have you thought this through? I mean, have you- have you...

[Becca walks away]

Hank Moody:
Becca. Sh*t, Becca! Becca... Bill?

[Bill groans and walks away]

Hank Moody:
Bill...

Mia Lewis:
And then there were two. You know, I'm going to need some help getting out of this dress.

Hank Moody:
And then there was one.

Hank Moody:
Where's Ilsa, the She Wolf of the SS?

Temp:
Excuse me?

Hank Moody:
Dani. Where's Dani?

Temp:
Oh, she's in a meeting with, uh, Mr. Runkle. And you are?

Hank Moody:
Going in there.

Temp:
I'm sorry, sir, I can't...

Hank Moody:
Wi-wi-will you look at the time? The big hand says 'f***' and the little hand says 'off'.

Chloe Metz:
F*** me like I'm Al-Qaeda!

Hank Moody:
I'm declaring Jihad on your p*ssy.

Hank Moody:
It's my purgatory, really. Dinner, drinks... Whatever.

Hank Moody:
Never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway... 'Cause it's true. All women are, in... one way or another.

Hank Moody:
You know, there's always something about every damn one of you. There's a smile, a curve, a secret... You ladies really are the most amazing creatures. My life's work.

Hank Moody:
But then there's the morning after. A hangover, and realizations that I'm not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. Then she's gone, and I'm haunted by yet another road not taken.

Hank Moody:
Never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. 'cause it's true - all women are, in one way or another. You know, there's always something about every damn one of you. There's a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures. My life's work. But then there's the morning after. The hangover, and the realization that I'm not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. And then she's gone. And I'm haunted by yet another road not taken.

Hank Moody:
Oh sh*t, your not preggers are you?