Casualty

John 'Abs' Denham:
Nina, could you possibly run Ellen into town?

Nina Farr:
No. But I can run her over.

Barbara 'Baz' Samuels:
You're manipulative, stubborn and selfish!

Ewart Plimmer:
Not all at once.

[Selena throws Bex against a wall after Bex, unknowingly, slept with Selina's husband]

Selena Manning:
You and me... we've got business.

Bex Reynolds:
Look I told you - I had no idea! I am sorry, it's not going to happen again!

Selena Manning:
I don't care about what you do with him. You can keep him. All I care about is me. Now I've just started here and I am not about to be made a laughing stock by some stupid little slapper like you! Do you understand me?

Bex Reynolds:
Yes.

Selena Manning:
You mention one word of you and him to anyone - and your life will not be worth living! Do you understand me again? Rebecca?

Bex Reynolds:
Yes.

[Selena walks off]

[Luke and Woody get in Maggie's way as she is about to give a defibrillating shock to a patient]

Maggie Coldwell:
Come on! Move or die!

Maggie Coldwell:
Harry, have you got a minute? I could do with a second opinion on these results.

Harry Harper:
[patronisingly] My pleasure. I'm always happy to offer my expert advice.

Maggie Coldwell:
Er, just your opinion. I've got the expert bit covered, thank you.

Tina Seabrook:
What are you doing? Where the hell are you going?

Sean Maddox:
Tina.

Tina Seabrook:
Did you forget to say goodbye or something?

Sean Maddox:
Tina.

Tina Seabrook:
I can't believe you were going to go without even saying anything. To Australia without even saying goodbye. What where you thinking? Did you think I wouldn't notice? You lied. How could you just go?

Sean Maddox:
Listen, it's not like that. You don't understand, and I can't explain.

Tina Seabrook:
You owe it to me to try.

Sean Maddox:
I need to take ten steps back. I don't want to look back on my life thinking I could have done more.

Tina Seabrook:
Yeah, but you don't have to run away half way across the world.

Sean Maddox:
It's just something I have to do.

Tina Seabrook:
Get off the train, Sean, just please get off the train.

Sean Maddox:
I can't.

Tina Seabrook:
For me, for you. I just know you want to, now, Sean just please get off the train!

Sean Maddox:
Why now?

Tina Seabrook:
[shouts] Get off the train?

Sean Maddox:
Stop saying that!

Tina Seabrook:
I'll walk away any second!

Sean Maddox:
Well, then go!

Tina Seabrook:
[pause] I can't go.

Sean Maddox:
Get on the train.

Tina Seabrook:
It's so unfair.

Sean Maddox:
This may be our last chance. Come on, get on.

Tina Seabrook:
Marry me.

Sean Maddox:
What?

Tina Seabrook:
You heard, marry me.

Sean Maddox:
Shut up and get on the train.

Tina Seabrook:
Well?

Sean Maddox:
Look, get on the train.

Tina Seabrook:
Just say you'll marry me.

Sean Maddox:
Tina, I'm going to London, in two days I fly to Australia, I fly in two days, two days!

Tina Seabrook:
Huh?

Sean Maddox:
You know you're making this so much harder?

Tina Seabrook:
You're leaving me. I'm hardly going to make it easy for you.

Sean Maddox:
You're the only thing I'll miss.

Tina Seabrook:
Is that a yes?

Sean Maddox:
I love you. With all my feet.

Sean Maddox:
Why does it feel like I'm having an affair with my own girlfriend?

Tina Seabrook:
Don't knock it, some might say you've got the best of both worlds.

[a flat screen for tracking patients' waiting times has just been delivered to the department]

Maggie Coldwell:
What on earth is that for?

Bruno Jenkins:
Action replays of your greatest life-saving moments. I love short films.

Maggie Coldwell:
I see your humour implant didn't take, then.

Barney Woolfe:
[Chloe has just bought a houseboat] So this boat, what's it called?

Chloe Hill:
Not it - she! It's called Kestrel... ain't that lovely?

Harry Harper:
What part of "one last chance" do you not understand?

Simon Kaminski:
I was talking to my colleague!

Harry Harper:
Well she must have trouble hearing 'cos the last thing I heard you were talking to her through her mouth in the staff room!

Charlie Fairhead:
Now leave me alone or I'll call Security.

Colin Evans:
I *am* Security.

Charlie Fairhead:
Then kindly throw yourself out.

Nina Farr:
I could kill Ellen for taking out a loan with a psychopath...

John 'Abs' Denham:
It wouldn't be worth it - unless we could sell her body for scrap!

Cynthia 'Cyd' Pyke:
[referring to a woman who has been bothering the men in the department all day] She's probably just lonely.

Greg Fallon:
Or she needs her chimney swept

Maggie Coldwell:
[referring to Nathan] I bet he's a John Major.

Selena Manning:
What do you mean?

Maggie Coldwell:
He tucks his shirt into his pants!

Amy Howard:
Charlie, you know that motel by the bypass?

Charlie Fairhead:
Yes

Amy Howard:
Well the managers a friend of mine...

Charlie Fairhead:
And?

Amy Howard:
Well, I thought it might be good for a room...

Chloe Hill:
[pulling a face] Ooooooh!

Amy Howard:
Not for us! For the Devern family!

Charlie Fairhead:
Shame, I thought my luck had changed there...

Harry Harper:
Nathan just made an interesting point.

Selena Manning:
There's a first time for everything.

Tess Bateman:
There's no I in team.

John 'Abs' Denham:
No, but there's a me if you look close enough.

Selena Manning:
[to Maggie] You will never guess what just happened.

Maggie Coldwell:
Yeah well so long as I don't get the blame I don't care.

Selena Manning:
Nathan just asked my out.

Maggie Coldwell:
Nathan as in Spencer? [Selena nods] Well I hope you told him to get stuffed. [Selena looks away] You didn't did you?

Selena Manning:
Look, I didn't say yes. Look, he's not that bad, he's good looking, he's successful.

Maggie Coldwell:
Yeah and what happened to I need a good man? He's obviously a snake, what is it with you and dodgy blokes? Please, Selena, just wait for a decent man.

Selena Manning:
You might be right. Do you know what though? Do you know what was lovely? Just having someone actually ask me out, even if it was Nathan.

Kelsey Phillips:
Nathan asked you out. Isn't he gay?

Maggie Coldwell:
[walks away with a huge grin on her face]

Megan Roach:
You know she's been having sex for two years and she's still a virgin.

[Rob Newley has been admitted with a rash on his crotch]

Tess Bateman:
Have you got a rash, as well?

Kirsten Mullen:
Where?

Rob Newley:
On your George W!

[Harry and Nathan are discussing whether Maggie should apply for the vacancy of consultant]

Nathan Spencer:
Maggie?

Harry Harper:
Yes. She's done her time. Proved her worth.

Nathan Spencer:
What this department needs is someone who can lead, someone who can turn things around quickly. Maggie's far too patient-centred.

Harry Harper:
You know, you are amazing. Only *you* could make that sound like a *bad* thing!

[earlier on, Abs ordered a work-to-rule as a protest about Charlie being sacked; now a patient has died and Zoe blames Abs]

Zoe Hanna:
Proud of yourself, Abs? Good day's work, was it? We've put patients' lives in danger today. I don't blame the paramedics. I don't blame Ruth - she made the best call she could, given the experience she has in the field. No, I blame you, because you chose not to do your job when a patient needed you.

John 'Abs' Denham:
Really? Well I've worked in this ED a lot longer than you.

Zoe Hanna:
Then you should know better. How *dare* you leave your colleagues exposed. You were petty, childish, irresponsible - and something much worse could have gone wrong today. You should seriously think about whether you want to be a nurse or not.

John 'Abs' Denham:
Maybe you're right. Maybe I shouldn't be a nurse. No-one seems to want to let me do my job.

Zoe Hanna:
Are you blaming other people?

John 'Abs' Denham:
Well that's what we do round here, isn't it? It's not like after three decades of hard work I'd have the thanks, respect and loyalty of my colleagues and employers, is it? Just ask Charlie.

Harry Harper:
That is not fair.

John 'Abs' Denham:
How did it get to the point where half of what we do is not on our job description and yet unless we do it people start accusing us of letting the side down? Cost cutting. Not taking breaks. Overtime. Working uninsured. This is supposed to be the best health service in the world. So why is it being run like a dodgy car dealership? All of that gets in the way of me doing my job. Maybe I should give up. But I won't. Because I *want* to be a nurse - if this hospital will let me.

[everyone applauds]

[talking about a wishy-washy indecisive social worker]

Maggie Coldwell:
He'll get piles from sitting on that fence... hopefully.

Charlie Fairhead:
Aren't you glad you gave up nursing and got yourself a nice easy job?

Maggie Coldwell:
Oh yes, it's a doddle, this doctoring lark.

Charlie Fairhead:
I don't know how they've got the cheek to pay you so much money for it. You know, I've always been suspicious of nurses who went over to the dark side!

Maggie Coldwell:
Yeah, well, I might tell you about it one day.

Charlie Fairhead:
Buy me a big drink and I might just listen.

Maggie Coldwell:
I could do with one of them right now.

Charlie Fairhead:
You're not seriously regretting it are you?

Maggie Coldwell:
No. What is it they say? Je ne regret rien, I regret nothing.

Charlie Fairhead:
Mange tout, mange tout. I speak a little French myself.

Maggie Coldwell:
Ah but you are only a nurse!

Charlie Fairhead:
I did apply to be a doctor once.

Maggie Coldwell:
Did you?

Charlie Fairhead:
They wouldn't have me - I was over qualified.

Charlie Fairhead:
Aren't you glad you gave up nursing and got yourself a nice easy job?

Maggie Coldwell:
Oh yes, it's a doddle this doctoring lark.

Charlie Fairhead:
I don't know how they've got the cheek to pay you so much money for it. [pause] You know, I've always been suspicious of nurses who went over to the dark side!

Maggie Coldwell:
Yeah well I might tell you about it one day.

Charlie Fairhead:
Buy me a big drink and I might just listen.

Maggie Coldwell:
I could do with one of them right now.

Charlie Fairhead:
You're not seriously regretting it are you?

Maggie Coldwell:
No, what is it they say? Je nais regret rien, I regret nothing.

Charlie Fairhead:
Mange tout, mange tout, I speak a little french myself.

Maggie Coldwell:
Ah but you are only a nurse!

Charlie Fairhead:
I did apply to be a doctor once...

Maggie Coldwell:
Did you?

Charlie Fairhead:
They wouldn't have me, I was over qualified...

[Ellen is eating a salad. Kelsey looks pityingly at her]

Ellen Zitek:
Oh yeah. Go on "rabbit food" - haha.

Kelsey Phillips:
If a rabbit ate that, his friends would gang up and laugh at him for being a big rabbitty, girly wuss!

[various doctors and nurses are crowding round a computer reading an anonymous blog about the department which refers to the staff by nicknames]

Maggie Coldwell:
"Yorkshire Pudding"? Well that's interesting. I'm from Lancashire.

[various doctors and nurses are crowding round a computer reading an anonymous blog about the department which refers to the staff by nicknames]

Kelsey Phillips:
Who's "Big Mouth"? It must be a nurse...

[everyone gives her meaningful stares and it dawns on her that *she* is "Big Mouth"]

Kelsey Phillips:
I am going to *kill* Adam.

[Joel has tried to commit suicide by stepping out in front of a car]

Nick Jordan:
What do you want for Christmas?

Joel:
[bewildered] It's July.

Nick Jordan:
So it is. Christmas is six months away. Not planning on sticking around that long, are you? This hospital is full of people for whom every extra day is more precious that you can ever imagine. You're right: it's your life. Don't take it for granted.

[talking about Ruth]

Adam Trueman:
Don't be fooled by that hard inhuman shell, Tobes. Underneath it all... there's another hard inhuman shell!

[Monica Batchelor is a stroppy control-freak who is making it difficult for the doctors to treat her daughter]

Rob Batchelor:
If you're looking for someone to restrain Monica, I'm as clueless as you are - try horse tranquiliser!

John 'Abs' Denham:
Ah, we're all out - we use them on the management.

Simon Kaminski:
What's the procedure for nose out of joint?

Lara Stone:
Probably the same as for head up own backside.

Jeff Collier:
You're a woman of a certain age - the old body-clock's ticking.

Kathleen 'Dixie' Dixon:
Do me a favour!

Jeff Collier:
I'm sensitive to that.

Kathleen 'Dixie' Dixon:
I don't have a clucky bone in my body.

Jeff Collier:
Well if you change your mind, you've only got to ask, you know. I'd be more than happy to supply a bit of the old... Jeff Juice.

Kathleen 'Dixie' Dixon:
[disgusted] I think I've just thrown up in my mouth.

Charlie Fairhead:
That - out!

Frank:
That's my ferret

Charlie Fairhead:
I can see at a glance it's a ferret and ferrets are strictly not allowed so OUT

Frank:
You don't understand, this ain't just any old ferret this is my ferret, Freddie the Ferret, we're inseparable

Charlie Fairhead:
Well you go with him!

[last lines]

Charlie Fairhead:
[the A&E department has gone up in flames, and Duffy is in shock] [to Duffy] Shouldn't you be somewhere else? Come on.

Lisa 'Duffy' Duffin:
[shakily] So much of our lives are here, Charlie. So much of us... and it's all gone!

Charlie Fairhead:
[Duffy cries] It's not gone. The work doesn't disappear just because the building's gone, Duffy. Come on. Everything we've done still counts for something, you know.

Lisa 'Duffy' Duffin:
[hysterically, walking away from Charlie] Oh, we're finished, Charlie!

Charlie Fairhead:
[going after her, but Duffy resists him] Duffy. Duffy. Duffy, don't talk like that. The damage can be repaired. Come on. Come on. Mark my words, I'll have the builders in first thing in the morning, now stop...

Lisa 'Duffy' Duffin:
[dismissively] Oh no, will you listen to yourself?

Charlie Fairhead:
[not listening] They'll start putting it back together, come on.

Lisa 'Duffy' Duffin:
Charlie, will you just listen to yourself? No one's going to throw money at this!

Charlie Fairhead:
[quietly, trying to lead Duffy away from A&E] Come on.

Lisa 'Duffy' Duffin:
[sobbing] Stop kidding yourself, Charlie. It's the end of the road!

Charlie Fairhead:
[defiantly] It's not the end of the road, Duffy, not while I'm standing in the middle of it. They'll have to run my right over.

Charlie Fairhead:
[pause, and Charlie sighs] Come on, Duffy. Come on, you're tired. Come on. [Charlie walks away from the A&E with Duffy]

Kelsey Phillips:
Why do you always look so fit?

Selena Donovan:
Metabolism.

Kelsey Phillips:
Why haven't *I* got one of those?

Sean Anderson:
Tell me, Toby, what's the current thinking on orthopedic surgeons?

Toby De Silva:
What d'you mean?

Sean Anderson:
Well you've spent long enough in ED to soak up the gossip? What's the dirt on us? Arrogant?

Toby De Silva:
Well, yeah, but that goes for most surgeons. Lazy and stupid. Only do bones - any other type of medicine leaves them a bit stumped.

Sean Anderson:
I see. Well don't do anything to correct that impression, will you? Play arrogant, play stupid - anything to get through the workload. Trust your initiative... or call me.

[Bex is about to leave on a boat to start a new life abroad]

Bex Reynolds:
Don't forget me!

Luke Warren:
[wistfully] As if I could.

Roz Conlon:
I'm just really worried! If Caitlin can't see, I don't know what's gunna happen to her art career?

Jerry Conlon:
Roz, give her a break, will ya?

Roz Conlon:
Oh, don't YOU start, You're the reason why we're in here today!

Jerry Conlon:
What?

Roz Conlon:
That conservatory is a total death trap!

Jerry Conlon:
Well, what do you want ME to do about it? Board it all up? I'm trying to build the bloody conservatory that YOU wanted!

Lyn Hopper:
I thought I told you that I didn't want you near any incidents I was in command of?

Jeff Collier:
Well, Okay then, why don't you triage those in the limo yourself?

[Simon is having an affair with Harry's daughter, Tally. Harry tackles Simon about it]

Harry Harper:
What exactly do you think you're doing with my daughter?

Simon Kaminski:
Well, you being a man with five kids, I thought you'd have grasped the mechanics by now.

[Nick announces a new initiative to treat and send home all patients within two hours, instead of the previous target of four hours]

Mads Durrani:
Excuse me. There is one thing I do not quite understand. We can move double-speed, possibly, and be ready for twice as many new patients. But unless people crash their cars twice as fast, or scald themselves twice as often, or fall downstairs with a friend, where do you get twice as many new patients from?

[the staff are treating victims and perpetrators of a bomb attack. The department has been evacuated because a suspect package has been found. Charlie has stayed behind in the department. Maggie phones his mobile to check that he's OK]

Charlie Fairhead:
No, Maggie, I have not been blown up yet!

[Charlie is just about to go home when Tess asks him to work an extra shift]

Charlie Fairhead:
[to himself] This place is like quicksand: as soon as you think you've struggled free, it sucks you back in.

[Charlie is looking at Toby De Silva's name on his personnel file]

Charlie Fairhead:
Toby... looks like "Saliva".

[exhausted at the end of his first day in the department, Toby has fallen asleep in the staff room which is being used as a make-shift mortuary. As Charlie is reading the riot act to terrorist Denny Davidson, Toby wakes up in a state of confusion]

Toby De Silva:
[bewildered] What's going on? Why are there dead people in here?

[after he caused a patient to bleed profusely when he made a mistake while taking a blood sample, Toby has earned the nickname "Dracula". At the end of the shift, Charlie suggests to Toby that they go for a drink]

Charlie Fairhead:
Well, come on, Dracula. I'll buy you a pint of O-Neg!

Toby De Silva:
Actually I prefer Rhesus Positive.

[a teenage boy and his girlfriend that he has known for two weeks are brought into Casualty after a car crash; Rob discovers that the "boy" is actually a girl]

Rob Khalefa:
Max, here's a case you ought to take a look at - a strapadictomy.

Maxine Price:
What's a strapadictomy?

Rob Khalefa:
Ask Charlie.

[when a girl discovers that her "boyfriend" is actually a girl, she is convinced that everyone is laughing at her and thinks she's stupid for being fooled]

Charlie Fairhead:
Oh, you're not stupid. We all thought she was a boy too, and we've passed exams in human anatomy.

[Selena is being bossed around by Andrea, a new consultant who has just started and who used to be in the army]

Selena Donovan:
[ironically, making a mock-salute] Yes, Ma'am. Whatever you say, Ma'am.

Kathleen 'Dixie' Dixon:
It's men like him that make me glad I'm a lesbian!

Sarah Evans:
[flippantly] When I'm dictator I'm going to make every woman undergo an intelligence test, and sterilise the stupid ones.

Frances Lively:
You know, at some stage you're going to have to start treating this illness with respect.

[talking about Nathan]

Maggie Coldwell:
How you can *think* of marrying that man is beyond me. I mean, what have you told him?

Selena Donovan:
I've told him that I'll think about it.

[Maggie sighs in exasperation]

Selena Donovan:
I know you don't like him, Maggie, but you haven't seen him like I have.

Maggie Coldwell:
Please, spare me the details. I bet he's a John Major.

Selena Donovan:
What d'you mean?

Maggie Coldwell:
Tucks his trousers into his underpants.

Selena Donovan:
Very funny. Look, what's important to me is the *type* of man he is. You only see him at work. Away from here he's kind and gentle.

Maggie Coldwell:
[sarcastically] Oooh. Very sexy.

Selena Donovan:
Yeah, and very sexy.

[Maggie sighs in exasperation and walks off]

[Everyone in the department is recording "get well soon" messages to Jessica. It is Yuki's turn and he is in the middle of a rambling account describing a medical procedure when Zoe interrupts him to ask whether he wants to go for a drink]

Yuki Reid:
[to tape recorder] Message aborted due to unforseen social interruption.

[Louis, Charlie and Jay are playing five-a-side football. In a fit of temper, Louis deliberately fouls Charlie and the referee sends him off. Louis protests]

Jay Faldren:
[to Louis] Eh, what's your game, hard man? Get back over there and shake your old man's hand, or the next balls you'll be chasing will be much smaller.

[Charlie looks embarrassed as Louis reluctantly and with very bad grace goes over to his dad to apologise]

[looking at a new "Centre of Excellence" sign outside the entrance to the Casualty department]

Charlie Fairhead:
It's the implication I don't like. What were we before? A "Centre of Mediocrity"? A "Centre of Not-Bad", I suppose.

[talking to the tree that she has just planted in the hospital grounds in memory of Curtis whom she had been about to marry]

Alice Chantrey:
[tearfully] Sorry, Curtis. It's just me. Feels like things have changed round here. Things have moved on already. New boss, new team. It's like everyone's forgotten. Don't worry - I won't ever forget.

[reading a tribute at the tree that Alice has planted in memory of Curtis]

Charlie Fairhead:
They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies. Nor can spirits ever be divided that love and live in the same divine principle - the root and record of their friendship. If absence be not death, neither is theirs. Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the sea. They live for one another still. This is the comfort of friends, that though they may be said to die, yet their friendship and society are, in the best sense, immortal because they are ever present.

May Phelps:
[Regarding the vagrants living in a derelict mall, which has just exploded] I don't know how they're going to narrow down their suspect list, most of them are crazy enough or high enough.

Polly Emmerson:
Excuse me, what's you're name again?

May Phelps:
May.

Polly Emmerson:
Hi, May, I'm Polly. [They shake hands] Those are your patients, you're talking about.

May Phelps:
What?

Polly Emmerson:
Those crazed druggies. They're your patients. They deserve a little respect... they say we're all two pay cheques away from the streets. God, that could be you in that bed.

[Stitch has deliberately thrown Guppy in at the deep end by forcing him to make life-or-death decisions about a patient's treatment. Maggie challenges Stitch later on]

Maggie Coldwell:
You would have stepped in, wouldn't you, if it had gone wrong?

'Stitch' Lambert:
I don't know. There's nothing like killing a patient to make sure you get it right next time.

[Tom Kent has just joined the department]

Tom Kent:
When do the formal post-MCI debriefs happen?

Dylan Keogh:
Oh God! A Morbidity and Mortality meeting?

Nick Jordan:
Part of the job, Dr Keogh.

Tom Kent:
I prefer Death and Doughnuts.

[everyone looks bewildered]

Tom Kent:
A Death-and-Doughnuts session: mutual support - colleagues sharing feelings in an informal get-together.

Dylan Keogh:
[grimly] Some people live, some people die. Meeting over. Next patient please.

[Jeff is taking a long time in the bathroom. Dixie knocks on the door]

Kathleen 'Dixie' Dixon:
Come on. I need to make myself look beautiful.

[Jeff opens the door]

Jeff Collier:
I keep telling you, Dix, it's a bathroom...

Jeff Collier, Kathleen 'Dixie' Dixon:
[together]... not a time machine!

[Selena has spoken harshly to Linda Stanlake when she tried to interfere with her daughter's treatment. Linda has now made a complaint to Nathan]

Linda Stanlake:
[to Nathan] She was rude and upsetting to me and my daughter. Don't you even know what she's said and done, Doctor?

Selena Donovan:
[to Linda] *I'm* the doctor. *He's* the Corporate Director. He knows even less about medicine that you do.

[Guppy is about to go on a date with a medical student that Stitch has introduced him to. Stitch surreptitiously hands Guppy a packet of condoms]

'Stitch' Lambert:
No glove, no love!

[Nadia wants to spend another night of passion with Stitch]

'Stitch' Lambert:
Once is a challenge, twice is fun but three times is routine - and routine bores me.

Dylan Keogh:
No, it clearly said nil by mouth.

Connie Beauchamp:
Did Bryan know that? Did anyone explain that to him? Obviously not.

Dylan Keogh:
No, it was an accident. I really wouldn't get too obsessed about it, there are many more alarming things going on out there today.

Connie Beauchamp:
Please, spit it out.

Dylan Keogh:
Well, er, Lily is dead on her feet, er, Evan, Ethan, whatever his name is, is having a nervous breakdown, the tall one is completely unmanageable...

Connie Beauchamp:
Your concern is commendable, shame you don't know their names.

[at the funeral of Abs's brother, his friends get involved in a punch-up and are taken to Casualty]

John 'Abs' Denham:
[ironically, to Tess] We mourn in a different way where I come from.

Tess Bateman:
They've arrested him! Jude's father! For drink driving, reckless driving and driving over the speed limit!

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
I made a call and I believe that it was just the right one!

Tess Bateman:
And if, perchance the charge ends up being death by dangerous driving? That man is going to prison and his poor son will be spending Christmas without his father as he would be behind bars!

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
I stand by my own decision!

Tess Bateman:
Ash! Listen to yourself! What are you even saying?

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
If I can't even do my job correctly! If I can't save people's lives then what's the point?

Tess Bateman:
The point of what?

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
Jeff! The point of Jeff!

Zoe Hanna:
What's wrong with you?

Caleb Knight:
What?

Zoe Hanna:
Don't 'What?' Me! You know exactly what! Frankly it's embarrassing not to mention degrading!

Caleb Knight:
Am I supposed to have done-?

Zoe Hanna:
You are hitting on a patient, Cal and it's not okay! It just looks ridiculous! She's obviously not that interested in you, She has made that perfectly clear so just back off, will ya!

Caleb Knight:
Look! I'm sorry I...

Zoe Hanna:
Listen, for your sake more than everyone else's, just you grow up please!

[Greg, Guppy, Alice, Cyd and Abs have gone surfing. Guppy has been stung by a weaver fish in his foot and is in a lot of pain. Abs has a suggestion to get rid of the sting]

John 'Abs' Denham:
Well there is the traditional remedy. We could try that. On-the-spot job.

Cynthia 'Cyd' Pyke:
[grinning] Oh yeah.

Gurpreet 'Guppy' Sandhu:
Well whatever it is, just do it!

John 'Abs' Denham:
OK, you sure? Cyd, do you want to do it or... I should really do it, shouldn't I?

Cynthia 'Cyd' Pyke:
Yeah, probably best. Anyway, I don't think I can.

John 'Abs' Denham:
OK!

[Abs starts to unzip his wetsuit. Guppy suddenly realizes that the remedy involves Abs peeing on his foot to neutralise the sting]

Gurpreet 'Guppy' Sandhu:
Oh no! Not that! Oh no!

John 'Abs' Denham:
Guppy, you'll thank me after!

Max Walker:
Zoe, can you hear yourself? Do you realise what you just did? You slept with someone! You lied and then you let me marry you!

Zoe Hanna:
Max, I'm so sorry!

Max Walker:
Yeah! So you should be! You just broke my heart!

Andrew Wendall:
I've killed my wife! I hope they do charge me! I think it's better for everyone if they just lock me up!

[talking about Nathan's treatment for the needle-stick injury he sustained a few weeks ago]

Maggie Coldwell:
No sign of any side-effects. He must be a mutant!

[Selena and Maggie have broken into Nathan Spencer's office to look for evidence that he is stalking Selena]

Maggie Coldwell:
It's as if no-one ever drew breath in here.

Selena Donovan:
I know.

Maggie Coldwell:
Maybe he's not human!

[Selena and Abs suspect that a patient is faking the symptoms of prostate cancer]

Selena Donovan:
He could be faking it.

John 'Abs' Denham:
He'd be a glutton for punishment, though, wouldn't he? I wouldn't like a finger up my backside for fun!

John 'Abs' Denham:
You're a pain in the arse sometimes, Charlie - d'you know that? Someone makes a decision you don't agree with and you harass them until they change their mind. You're like a bully who cares. Don't get me wrong, it comes from the right place. It's just that you should stand back sometimes and let them do what they want.

Charlie Fairhead:
Even if I think they're wrong?

John 'Abs' Denham:
Yeah, *especially* then.

[It is Ruth's first day as clinical standards officer. Her staff are playing pranks on her because they do not respect her after she moved Charlie out of the ED to the psychiatric ward because he knows that her husband is gay]

Charlie Fairhead:
Ruth, why don't you just tell the truth?

Ruth Winters:
Scuse me?

Charlie Fairhead:
You didn't dump me because of efficiency or budgets, but because I know something.

Ruth Winters:
[unconvincingly] I've no idea what you're talking about.

Charlie Fairhead:
I'm right, aren't I? You find it very uncomfortable working with me because of what I know.

[Ruth tries to barge past Charlie]

Ruth Winters:
You're in my way.

Charlie Fairhead:
Exactly. I've worked in this ED for more years than I care to remember, and one of the principles that I've always stood by is that you do not gossip about your colleagues or your colleagues' partners.

Ruth Winters:
Oh well that's funny because Staff Nurse Durrani just gave me a very strange look and asked me how I was, so she has clearly heard something.

Charlie Fairhead:
[shouts] She didn't hear it from *me*!

Charlie Fairhead:
What exactly do you want? You're obviously not out to make friends, so it must be power. Let me tell you something about power. True power does not come from bullying people. True power comes from people *wanting* to do things for you.

Ruth Winters:
Oh, and you'd know about that, would you?

Charlie Fairhead:
Yes, actually, I think I would.

Ruth Winters:
Not that it is any of your business, but my only ambition is to make this ED the best in the country. In return, I would like the respect that I deserve.

Charlie Fairhead:
[sarcastically] You've certainly got that.

[Ruth think for a minute, works out Charlie's hidden meaning that she's getting very little respect because that is all she deserves, and walks off]

[Ruth has summoned her husband Edward to her office to challenge him about his secret]

Edward Thurlow:
I never meant to hurt you.

Ruth Winters:
You're gay, Edward. Why can't you just admit it?

Edward Thurlow:
Because I wish it wasn't true.

Ruth Winters:
The fact remains: you never should have married me. Do you love him?

[Edward is lost for words]

Ruth Winters:
Edward, do you love James?

Edward Thurlow:
Yes.

Ruth Winters:
I don't get it. Why pretend to be someone that you're not?

Edward Thurlow:
I know. It's time I came out.

Ruth Winters:
Is that what you want?

Edward Thurlow:
Not desperately.

Ruth Winters:
Then don't!

Edward Thurlow:
But if we get divorced...

Ruth Winters:
Who said anything about a divorce? I wanted a real marriage. Now I haven't got that, but there are advantages to keeping up the charade.

Edward Thurlow:
Are you serious?

Ruth Winters:
You do all you can to help me professionally and in return you get to lead the life you want to lead.

Edward Thurlow:
A marriage of convenience.

Ruth Winters:
But I want you to stop seeing James. I mean it. The fact that we all work in the same hospital - it's too close to home. Do we have a deal?

Edward Thurlow:
If that's what you want.

Ruth Winters:
It's not what I want. Not remotely. But it's what I'll settle for.

[Nathan stabbed himself on a hypodermic needle that had been disposed of in a bin-bag. Now he has instigated a witch-hunt and has bullied Sam into resigning because his bipolar disorder may have made him forget to dispose of the needle properly. As Sam's boss, Charlie confronts Nathan]

Charlie Fairhead:
I just wanted to tell you face-to-face that I think undermining and intimidating the most junior, the most vulnerable member of the team here is utterly despicable. I don't want to hear of it happening again.

Nathan Spencer:
I have every right to pursue my enquiries about that needle. I could have been infected with a lethal virus.

Charlie Fairhead:
Oh, and I sympathize. But there is a world of difference between enquiring and bullying. And you have absolutely no right to indulge in the latter.

Nathan Spencer:
My over-riding priority is to the patients. What if a member of the public had got a needle-stick injury? What if Sam had forgotten to clear up another one?

Charlie Fairhead:
He couldn't - for the simple reason that *he* didn't forget to clear up the last one. I did.

Nathan Spencer:
What?

Charlie Fairhead:
Yes, I sutured a patient and didn't clear away the sharp properly. It was me, not Sam. There you are - you have your culprit.

Nathan Spencer:
I think that's disgraceful you haven't owned up before.

Maggie Coldwell:
Actually, Nathan, Charlie's being chivalrous. It was me, not him. He's just trying to protect me.

Nathan Spencer:
What on earth's going on here?

Kelsey Phillips:
Maggie, it's no use. But thanks for trying. Nathan, I left the needle out.

Nathan Spencer:
Oh, I see. Ranks closing - d'you think I don't realize that? I hope you're proud of them, Harry.

Harry Harper:
As it happens I am. At least I would be if they were all telling the truth. Because *I* left it out.

Nathan Spencer:
This doesn't stop here - believe me.

[Nathan strides off, realising that he has been outflanked]

Harry Harper:
Right, let's get back to work.

[Harry shakes Charlie's hand]

Harry Harper:
Well done, you.

[a drug company has given some televisions to the department for the patients to watch]

Simon Tanner:
"Symbiotic mutuality" - I think that's what they call it.

Charlie Fairhead:
Oh really? I'd probably just have used the word "bribe".

[Kelsey has just given up smoking. Alice tells Kelsey that she has started playing Scrabble online using the names of medical ailments, and recommends it as a way to stop Kelsey craving for a cigarette]

Alice Chantrey:
You should try it, Kelsey. Keep your fingers busy instead of smoking. Save a life today?

Kelsey Phillips:
[chuckles] Forget about saving lives. You need to *get* a life!

[Greg and Cyd are looking for a casualty]

Cynthia 'Cyd' Pyke:
Need any help?

Greg Fallon:
No, just need to find the zone.

Cynthia 'Cyd' Pyke:
Should've had Dix fix the Sat Nav. She's a whiz with a toolbox.

Greg Fallon:
I got halfway around the world without a Sat Nav. Got it all in here.

[Greg taps his head]

Cynthia 'Cyd' Pyke:
I haven't come quite as far as you but I know what you mean. Got to look out for the signs.

Greg Fallon:
Yeah. Where the sun rises, which way the wind blows...

Cynthia 'Cyd' Pyke:
Yeah... Or that one over there.

[Cyd points to a massive billboard with 'Accident Please Help!' written on it]

Charlie Fairhead:
It's all very well saying the goldfish stole your dentures Doris, but unless we got fingerprints the D.A. ain't got a case now do we? Sitting by the pond all night isn't going to help is it? What you want is to get yourself a garden gnome. That's the fella for your goldfish.

Albert Monday:
What happened to you, friend?

Biker:
Fell off my bike

Albert Monday:
Pushbike?

Biker:
Motor bike

Albert Monday:
That's cos you're a sinner, you haven't found Jesus. You're rejecting Him - that's why you came off. If you'd had Jesus in your life you'd have stayed on

Biker:
Do what?

Albert Monday:
You've got to face reality, friend - you're a sinner. Repent before it's too late

Biker:
How would you like a smack in the gob?

Tess Bateman:
[to Jay] I'll mark the floor with you, young man.

[Toby is doing chest compressions on a patient whose heart has stopped. He sings to keep up the correct rhythm]

Toby De Silva:
NELly the ELephant PACKED her TRUNK and SAID goodBYE to the CIRcus. OFF she WENT with a TRUMPety TRUMP...

[Toby stops, looking very self-conscious, as he realises that everyone is staring at him]

[a patient has come into the ED and thinks that he is dead]

Big Mac:
[conversationally] So, you're dead, then. What's that like, sir?

Kenny Wenlock:
Noisier than I expected.

[an elderly patient that Lenny was treating has wandered off]

Lenny Lyons:
[to Zoe] You seen a crinkly go past, about this high?

Zoe Hanna:
No, sorry.

Lenny Lyons:
[to Dixie and Jeff] Guys, you seen Loretta?

Jeff Collier:
Who?

Lenny Lyons:
The old woman from this morning.

Kathleen 'Dixie' Dixon:
We see so *many* blood-soaked pensioners reciting Shakespearean wedding sonnets, they all blur into one.

[a patient has broken into the staff room and vandalised it. Not knowing this, Nathan wrongly accuses Josh of letting it happen]

Nathan Spencer:
Did you or could you have left the door open in the last hour?

[Josh grunts dismissively]

Nathan Spencer:
Josh, any breach in security...

Josh Griffiths:
...Reflects badly on you. Yeah. Well tough sh*t, Nathan!

Nathan Spencer:
Ambulance staff in fact shouldn't even have a code to a department facility. So maybe I should ask you more directly. Do you know anything about this? I mean you've been pretty pissed-off with everyone and everything today, haven't you?

[Josh angrily kicks a locker]

Josh Griffiths:
You've no idea, have you? You don't know how anyone's day's been. How could you? You've no concept of what *we* do! And what's worse, you don't care! Because you make sure that nothing - nothing! - you ever see or hear ever touches you. But one day, if you're very lucky, you're gonna find out. And then maybe - just maybe - it might actually change your safe, antiseptic, sad little life!

[Nathan looks utterly perplexed at Josh's outburst]

Lara Stone:
Hey Luke, you big stuuuuuuuud, take me to bed or lose me forever.

[Charlie, Maggie and Kelsey are looking at the pelvic x-ray of a man who has been brought in with a mobile phone jammed up his rectum]

Kelsey Phillips:
[incredulously] Is that a phone?

Maggie Coldwell:
[chuckling] Yeah. D'you reckon he can get a signal in there?

[Charlie hands Maggie the proctoscope for removing a mobile phone from a patient's backside]

Charlie Fairhead:
All yours.

Maggie Coldwell:
[ironically] Thanks, pal!

[as Maggie moves closer to the cubicle and pulls back the curtain, the phone rings]

Maggie Coldwell:
That shouldn't be switched on in here.

[Maggie holds up the proctoscope]

Tom Symonds:
This is gonna hurt, isn't it?

Maggie Coldwell:
Er... probably. Sorry. You'll survive.

[Tom Symonds winces]

[Jeff has just announced that he and Dixie are going to get married. Everyone is puzzled because they know that Dixie is a lesbian]

Noel Garcia:
So does that mean Dixie's straight now?

Big Mac:
Either that or else Jeff's become a lesbian.

[Toby has just come down from Orthopedics to treat a patient]

Adam Trueman:
What's the difference between a rhinoceros and an orthopedic surgeon?

Toby De Silva:
I dunno.

Adam Trueman:
Well one's thick-skinned, has a very small brain and charges a lot for no reason. And the other's... a rhinoceros.

[Karen is talking about her boyfriend who has been beating her up]

Karen Sunderland:
He'll change.

Derek 'Sunny' Sunderland:
Oh yeah, he'll change all right. Every time there's a full moon, he'll change!

[Alice is taking details about a new patient]

Alice Chantrey:
So what's your name?

Stanley Pigg:
Stanley Pigg. You can guess what my friends call me?

Alice Chantrey:
[tentatively] Um, Porky?

Stanley Pigg:
[teasing her] Noooo, Stan.

Jeff Collier:
I have a very sympathetic ear.

Kathleen 'Dixie' Dixon:
Yeah, that's going to meet with my very unsympathetic elbow if you don't shut it.

[reading aloud her own suicide note]

Megan Roach:
My darling Sam, when you get this you'll know that I was't being entirely honest with you. The fact is, the radiotherapy isn't really working. Last week it got very bad. I know that what I'm going to do is a sin, but I have been a nurse for a very very long time, and I've seen what happens. And yes, life is sacred, but what's to come for me if I don't do something? Well, it isn't *life*.

Marvin Osborne:
Where's the doctor?

Barbara 'Baz' Samuels:
I am the doctor.

Marvin Osborne:
I want a man.

Barbara 'Baz' Samuels:
Well you will have to wait until you get home, we don't encourage that sort of thing here.

[Ruth is trying to treat Sam, a young boy with an injured foot. He will not keep still, and Ruth is not helping by spouting incomprehensible medical jargon at him instead of trying to reassure him. Charlie comes into the cubicle]

Ruth Winters:
How do you get them to keep still?

Charlie Fairhead:
Actually, there's usually a little button round the back...

[Nick and Charlie are examining the Casualty department after the fire, and trying to put on brave faces]

Charlie Fairhead:
When they said "bad" I thought they meant, you know, really *bad*.

Nick Jordan:
You call that gutted? That's merely singed.

Charlie Fairhead:
Yeah, bit of scrubbing, lick of paint.

Nick Jordan:
Yeah, we could open it in a couple of hours. It'll be all right.

Charlie Fairhead:
Yeah, we'll survive *anything*.

[Megan is discussing who will look after her cat Pete after she is dead]

Megan Roach:
You like cats, don't you, Charlie?

Charlie Fairhead:
I like Pete.

Megan Roach:
Good. Then he can live with you when I'm gone.

Charlie Fairhead:
Does he get a say in this?

Megan Roach:
Oh, very much so. He has particularly asked for a nurse. About my age. Single. Looking for companionship - maybe a little more. Oh, and he also wants that ingrained smell of antiseptic from someone who's worked in hospitals all their life. Someone sensitive, gentle. The best friend anyone could ever have.

Charlie Fairhead:
He's got a lot to say for himself, Pete.

[Megan's suicide note, intercut with scenes of A&E doctors trying to resuscitate her]

Megan Roach:
[voiceover] Dearest Charlie. When you read this I will be gone. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. And don't feel in any way that you've let me down, because you didn't. The cancer has metastasised to my brain. Now, you know me, Charlie - I embrace life and everything it throws at me, and I always have. But this final adventure is just one I would rather skip. So please forgive me cutting out early. Life has been good to me, but I know when my luck's run out and it's time to call it a day. I'm going while *I'm* still in control and while I've still got *some* dignity. Because I'm a rotten patient, Charlie, and nobody, absolutely nobody, deserves to have to nurse me. Your friend, always, Megan.

[Lily, Megan's health care assistant, is pregnant]

Lily Knowles:
Will you be... the godmother?

Megan Roach:
Could I be... the *fairy* godmother instead?

Megan Roach:
[Despite being pregnant, Lily lights up a cigarette] Ooh come on, you shouldn't be doing that in your condition.

[Lily places her cigarettes and lighter in front of Megan and smokes out of the window whilst Megan waits a moment then takes one of Lily's cigarettes and tries to light it. After a short while, Lily comes over and helps her light it]

[Tess is angry with herself that for the first time in twenty years she has stormed out of the room when a patient whom she was treating threatened to get her son to kill her. She goes to Charlie for advice]

Charlie Fairhead:
No, you did not let yourself down in there. That was a perfectly natural reaction. Give yourself a break.

Tess Bateman:
And then what?

Charlie Fairhead:
And then you get straight back out there - show them you're not frightened. Give them the Tess death-stare.

Tess Bateman:
I do *not* have a death-stare.

[pause]

Tess Bateman:
Well, maybe a *little* bit of a death-stare.

[Tess grins]

Charlie Fairhead:
I'll see you back out there in a minute.

[Curtis has fallen to his death while rescuing Alice from Callum who had kidnapped her and taken her onto the roof. Alice is talking to his dead body, describing her wedding dress that he will never see]

Alice Chantrey:
[tearfully] Duchesse satin. Spelled with an E - don't ask me why. A-line. Ivory. And it crossed just over here at the neck - sweetheart neckline. And I didn't go for a veil - I thought it was too fussy, and anyway... I wanted to see *you* as soon as I walked into the church. I think you'd have liked it. It was simple, sweet, and I felt really happy when I tried it on. We were supposed to get married today, Curtis. And now look what you've gone and done. It's meant to be a good day - the best day of our... So anyway, I know we've not got the day that we planned out, but all I really wanted to do today was wear this.

[she picks up the wedding ring]

Alice Chantrey:
To be your wife. So that's what I'm going to do.

[she puts the ring on her finger and holds his hand]

Kuba Trzcinski:
Susie, the Gents is out of bounds. Kaput.

Susie Mercier:
Have you taken the 'broken leg' to x-ray?

Kuba Trzcinski:
No, because I am the plumber, the janitor, the porter, the tea maker, the milk buyer.

Susie Mercier:
And you're also boring.

Jackie Rogers:
I was trying to get some shut eye!

Josh Griffiths:
Someone called 999 because they thought you were dead!

Jackie Rogers:
I can't help it if I've got one of them faces!

[smelling her perfume on his scarf]

Nick Jordan:
Your perfume. Zoe: something like a cross between a girls' locker room and a fried breakfast. Hard to forget.

Terry:
I can testify without doubt that this man, Ramin Tehrami is Gay because I've been having an affair with him!

[Billy had brandished a knife at Khalid and had been playfully taunting Khalid about about his time in Pakistan from which he had come back "Allahed". During a scuffle in which Khalid refused to fight back, Billy had accidentally stabbed Khalid. They are now in hospital]

Khalid Koser:
It was a street fight. It wasn't your fault. It was mine.

Billy Tyler:
The guy that did it's a total idiot, but he didn't mean it - he didn't mean it.

Kathleen 'Dixie' Dixon:
No-one has been negligent, Leo, You've had an accident, You need an operation!

Leo Wren:
Yeah! I'd rather die than lose my leg!

Kathleen 'Dixie' Dixon:
I didn't bring You in here for that!

[Jeff and Polly turn over a drunk, revealing that he has wet himself]

Jeff Collier:
[sarcastically] Now we could find out if he's pregnant.

Adam Trueman:
[to Ben] Don't follow me down the corridor. It's like being stalked by one of the seven dwarves.

Patrick Spiller:
[Thinking he's going to die, he tells some nearby firemen his final message to Lara with regards to his proposal] Tell her I know she would have said yes next time.

Amy Howard:
Charlie, you know that motel by the bypass?

Charlie Fairhead:
Yes.

Amy Howard:
Well, the manager's a friend of mine.

Charlie Fairhead:
And?

Amy Howard:
Well, I thought it might be good for a room.

Chloe Hill:
[smiling] Ooooo!

Amy Howard:
Not for us! For the Devern family.

Charlie Fairhead:
Shame, I thought my luck had changed there.

Barbara 'Baz' Samuels:
I can't be bothered with any of the social rituals, I haven't got the energy.

Charlie Fairhead:
Social rituals?

Barbara 'Baz' Samuels:
Yeah, like do sit down, would you like a cup of coffee, that sort of thing. The coffee is in the kitchen and you make it. [pause] The bed's in the bedroom; you'll probably have to make that too.

Charlie Fairhead:
Anything else?

Nick Jordan:
What's happened, Zoe? Why are you so upset? Come on, can't be that bad. What have you done now?

Zoe Hanna:
[shouts] I downloaded patient notes onto a memory stick which has now been stolen by my fifteen-year-old lover who is attempting to blackmail me!

Nick Jordan:
Bloody hell, Zoe!

[Tess is showing Kirsty round the department]

Tess Bateman:
Here's our most valuable piece of equipment. Nurse Clements, Senior Charge Nurse Fairhead.

Charlie Fairhead:
Ah, so you're the new RMN?

Kirsty Clements:
*Charlie* Fairhead? Didn't you have a heart attack?

Charlie Fairhead:
No, it was a pulmonary embolism, but thank you for bringing it up.

Kirsty Clements:
I heard you were dead.

Charlie Fairhead:
No, I sometimes just *wish* I was.

[Kirsty is trying to trace "Bruce" whom she believes is a patient's relative]

Noel Garcia:
We could maybe do an internet search. If this guy Bruce lives close to Stewart, we could check out a few of the addresses. It's a long-shot, I know.

Kirsty Clements:
[flirting] I'd really appreciate it. I mean, I'd take a look myself but I'm completely useless when it comes to computers. Just not got the technical know-how, you see.

Noel Garcia:
Yeah, well they can be quite complicated sometimes.

Kirsty Clements:
[flirting] But I bet *you* know your way round, don't you?

Noel Garcia:
Well, let's just say that people come to see *me* when they need information in a hurry.

Kirsty Clements:
[flirting] And I bet you always deliver.

Noel Garcia:
That's why they call me... "The Postman".

[Kirsty giggles]

[Lenny, May and Yuki are implicated in the death of a patient and are waiting for the outcome of a post-mortem to determine whether they caused it. Lenny is starting to panic]

Charlie Fairhead:
Don't worry. Post-mortems always put people on edge.

Lenny Lyons:
It's not my fault!

Charlie Fairhead:
Really? Let me tell you something. In this department, there are no bystanders. If you were involved, you were responsible. Doesn't matter if there were a hundred other people in that room.

Lenny Lyons:
I'm really sorry about what happened with Amir.

Charlie Fairhead:
Well we *all* are. But if you played it right then we - this department - will look after you.

Lenny Lyons:
I don't need anyone to look after me.

Charlie Fairhead:
Then you're a very lucky man.

[diary extract - Ruth's thoughts on the day she started in A&E]

Ruth Winters:
[voiceover] September 8th. ED rotation. The front line. And about time too. A step closer to a surgery placement. I've never been this excited. Three promises I make to myself. Number One: my past stays in the past. Number Two: no relationships, no friendships - it's all about being professional - there'll be time for all that later. Number Three: be the best doctor I can - always.

[diary extract - Ruth's first impression of Toby]

Ruth Winters:
[voiceover] Toby de Silva: the boy with a silver spoon in every orifice. My competition - not much of a contest. A doughnut in human form.

[diary extract - Ruth's suicide note]

Ruth Winters:
[voiceover] I would expect a suicide note to be heartfelt and dramatic. Not this one though - wouldn't be very much in keeping with me, would it? I think someone may have forgotten to fit me with a heart. I can't even think of anything worth writing. I am summed up by three piece of paper: a birthday card from a father who never loved me; a Christmas card from a man who I foolishly thought did; and a visiting order from my brother - my family have to order me to visit them, and still I don't. A hate-filled person I am. It's not much of a legacy, is it? Maybe I can go down in history as author of the dullest suicide note ever. I tried to be a good doctor - really I did. But it was too hard. It beat me, and I'm so ashamed. I never wanted anything else out of life. So there is no life. I am so sorry to the patients I caused suffering - to their families, my sincerest apologies. I don't belong here.

[she closes her diary and looks up at the noose she has prepared]

Lily Chao:
What on earth are you doing out here in the rain, in this weather?

Solomon Johns:
I am who I say I am! See! I'm walking on water!

Lily Chao:
It's a puddle and you're not actually walking on it

[Connie has increased the hours that she expects her doctors to work]

Caleb Knight:
You can't actually be expecting us to work those hours, surely? They're crippling. We're going to be exhausted.

Connie Beauchamp:
Then I suggest, Dr Knight, you shock us all, and use your bed for sleeping.

Kenny Archer:
He didn't have a breakdown and he gets to carry on with his life with my wife!

Lily Chao:
I don't really need to know anything about Doctor Ashford! The fact remains he has not got the right to bully me!

[Jeff is treating a patient in the bottom of a trench that is full of water]

Jeff Collier:
Dix! You got my snorkel and flippers up there?

Kathleen 'Dixie' Dixon:
You'll be all right with your webbed feet.

[Nathan objects to the Red Nose charity events in the department]

Nathan Spencer:
Charlie, is this a hospital or a funfair?

Charlie Fairhead:
Er, I dunno, mate - I haven't been here long enough!

[giving Angus a local injection in his hand]

Maggie Coldwell:
This shouldn't hurt.

Angus Deayton:
Ow! Why did you say it *wouldn't* hurt when it *did*?

Maggie Coldwell:
Well I suppose pain is comparative, isn't it?

Angus Deayton:
Well you're the expert, but I would have though that jabbing a very large needle into the back of somebody's hand probably does hurt.

Maggie Coldwell:
That's not a large needle.

Angus Deayton:
Well it felt pretty large to me.

[she shows him a six-inch syringe with a long needle]

Maggie Coldwell:
*That* is a large needle.

Tess Bateman:
All the computers in Admin are playing up.

Nathan Spencer:
Do I look like someone with poor social skills and inadequate personal hygiene?

Tess Bateman:
No.

Nathan Spencer:
That's because I don't work in IT Support.

[the screen that shows how long each patient has been kept waiting has crashed]

Maggie Coldwell:
[sarcastically] Oooh. What a shame. How *will* we function without Big Brother?

[Kelsey has found out that Guppy is still a virgin]

Kelsey:
I have some friends you should meet... GIRLS!

Guppy:
Why is everyone so obsessed with sex?

[he opens the cubicle curtain to find two people kissing]

Guppy:
Oh please!

Nathan Spencer:
How's Doctor Lambert holding up?

Maggie Coldwell:
He's performing minor miracles in there, two at a time. Still a smug, arrogant tosser - but at least he's *our* smug, arrogant tosser. He's a good catch.

Ruth Winters:
Get me a twelve-lead ECG and blood gases, as usual.

May Phelps:
Yeah, I was getting to that.

Ruth Winters:
Well you needed to have already arrived.

[May walks away to attend to the tests that Ruth has asked for]

Jay Faldren:
You know this is probably the first bullet wound she's ever encountered.

Ruth Winters:
It's near enough mine. What's your point?

Jay Faldren:
Oh, were you brilliant when you first started?

Ruth Winters:
[smugly] Yeah, I absolutely was.

Maggie Coldwell:
You are unbelievable - you're so smug you think you've got an answer for everything. Do you know what? One day you won't - and I so hope I'm there to see it.

Theo 'Stitch' Lambert:
Whoa! Your URST levels are in the red, baby. You're gonna blow. I hope I'm there to see that.

Maggie Coldwell:
What?

Theo 'Stitch' Lambert:
[grinning] URST - unrequited sexual tension.

[Josh offers Maggie his last Rolo, but she declines]

Josh Griffiths:
Oh you're not on that bikini diet, are you?

Maggie Coldwell:
See these hips? Chocolate retention!

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
[During the 30-second montage of the previous episodes before the opening titles show Lily, whilst drunk leans in an attempt to kiss Dr. Ashford] What are you doing? That's not really appropriate, Lily

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
Look, Lily! About what happened at the pub at the Valentine's party?

Lily Chao:
There's nothing to say!

Charlie Fairhead:
[walking with Dr. Martin Ashford to the hospital together]... and that's when Lily tried to kiss you?

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
Yep! She must've went for me!

Charlie Fairhead:
But then you stopped her?

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
Of course I stopped her! I'm her boss! I've gotta work with her!

Charlie Fairhead:
Are you sure that 'kiss' from Lily the other day wasn't just merely a friendly "Goodnight"?

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
Nope! I think she went for me!

Charlie Fairhead:
She did?

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
[nodds his head] She did! She did, Charlie!

Charlie Fairhead:
So how is Lily feeling about it now?

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
Like nothing ever happened!

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
Doctor Hanna was right! The way you treat everyone here repulses me!

Lily Chao:
How is Sally?

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
Dead!

Lily Chao:
Maybe I was wrong! But You had no right to do what you did! Sally just had a child. She was vulnerable and she trusted me and yet You made me think that I had killed her! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT FELT! You let me down!

Kathleen 'Dixie' Dixon:
Better watch yourself with this one, Reet!

Erika Okur:
Perfect - two for one.

Selena Manning:
You're not going to get away with this!

Erika Okur:
We already have [She stabs Selena]

DS Jimmy Straker:
Erika - come on!

Erika Okur:
Now you can thank me.

DS Jimmy Straker:
What for?

Erika Okur:
Solving your problem.

Kelsey Phillips:
Would it still be Buddha day if I strangled Nathan?

Selena Manning:
Form a queue!

Big Mac:
Blimey, Sandra, man, what have you been eating?

Connie Beauchamp:
Now we need to open him up and find the bleed!

Zoe Hanna:
We can't do that!

Connie Beauchamp:
Zoe I can!

Louise Tyler:
Oi! You cannot stay there!

Sandra Marston:
[farts]

Louise Tyler:
Oh and that's just disgusting!

Charlie Fairhead:
This is the part where I say we need some serious conversation!

Rita Freeman:
I might have known you'd take her side!

Charlie Fairhead:
I asked you time and time again to wait! I wanted to talk to Connie! Can you please tell me that it was nothing personal? I'm aware that she wanted you out of the department! Answer me!

Rita Freeman:
I has got nothing to do with that! If it had been Robyn, Ethan, Lofty or Caleb, I stil would have made that call! It has nothing to do with Connie! It's about what she did!

Charlie Fairhead:
No! It's about what you say she did!

Rita Freeman:
Open your eyes, Charlie! Can't you see she killed Alfred Maxwell! I did what any responsible person would have done!

[Ruth is contemplating coming off her anti-psychotic medication but is terrified that she might have a relapse]

Ruth Winters:
[haltingly] The places I went to in my head... You'll never understand how frightening the thought of going back there is.

[a teenage boy has been brought into Resus, apparently having an epileptic fit. Maggie suspects that he may be faking]

Maggie Coldwell:
This is looking really bad. He's going to have to have a rectal drain inserted, Tess.

Tess Bateman:
Shall I give him anaesthetic?

Maggie Coldwell:
No, no. He's not going to need that because he's out of it.

[Patient "recovers" very quickly]

[Maggie is likely to be suspended because Simon has destroyed the evidence that she ordered tests on a patient who has just died. Charlie is the only one who believes her]

Charlie Fairhead:
We'll fight this together.

Maggie Coldwell:
Look, Charlie, just go. Please just go.

Charlie Fairhead:
You and me

Maggie Coldwell:
No, it's *not* "you and me" - it's just "me".

Charlie Fairhead:
I can help.

Maggie Coldwell:
For God's sake. For God's sake. Charlie. Always helping. Always caring. Don't you get tired of it? Don't you find it boring? Because everyone else does!

[Despite being rejected by Maggie, Charlie comes back to tell her how he feels, not realizing that Simon and Marilyn are watching]

Charlie Fairhead:
The answer is "no" - I don't get tired of caring. Caring about the patients, caring about this place. I don't get tired of you. Yeah, I know, I'm the miserable git who's constantly going on about the death of the NHS. Well there's a good reason for that. The NHS was a bloody good idea. It's one of the best ideas this society has ever had - free healthcare for all, no matter who you are or what you are. And now they're taking it away from us. Not in one big chunk - no: little by little by little. Every year we're being asked to do a little bit more for a little bit less. The death of a thousand cuts. If they think they can take a dedicated, skilled and frankly wonderful professional like you and hang her out to dry, then they've got another think coming. Because I'm gonna blow them out of the water on this one. I'm gonna give them a fight they will never forget. I am not having it! [to Marilyn] You'd better get yourself prepared.

[Charlie walks away and Maggie runs after him]

Maggie Coldwell:
Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!

[Maggie catches up, linking arms with him; they walk off, arm in arm, exchanging conspiratorial grins]

[Harry has leaked Ruth's diary to the press, revealing what led up to her suicide attempt. Charlie sees the story in the paper and rings him]

Charlie Fairhead:
Harry. For what it's worth, well done.

Harry Harper:
Thank you.

Charlie Fairhead:
Marylin's never going to forgive you - you know that, don't you?

Harry Harper:
I expect her steel toe-capped stilletos are being polished even as we speak.

Charlie Fairhead:
Yeah, well they're probably aimed at something soft and dangly - and I don't mean your tie.

[Marilyn has summoned Harry to fire him after he revealed the hospital trust's part in Ruth's suicide attempt]

Marilyn Fox:
You know, of course, that your position is untenable?

Harry Harper:
Because I did the right thing?

Marilyn Fox:
[sighs] Oh, you're not going to be tedious, are you, Harry?

Harry Harper:
Tedious? This is a young life we're talking about.

Marilyn Fox:
Don't do that, either - trying to occupy the moral high-ground.

Harry Harper:
I don't have to try. The bottom line is that I am not going to go quietly, Marilyn, like a nice chap. The more noise I make, the better.

Marilyn Fox:
Well you know what that means for your benefits and pension.

Harry Harper:
I'll take that risk. Because you've lost two doctors in a week. And that looks careless. But then, of course, you couldn't *care less*, could you?

Marilyn Fox:
Don't try and corner me.

Harry Harper:
Corner you? I think your back's already against the wall.

[Charlie is giving evidence at the inquest into the death of patient which it is alleged was caused by Maggie's failure to order a crucial test]

Thea Grant:
Am I right in thinking that you have worked alongside Doctor Coldwell for the past five years? And would you agree with Simon Tanner's description of her as "sloppy, inefficient, distracted and lazy"?

Charlie Fairhead:
No, certainly not!

Thea Grant:
Would you describe her as a good doctor?

Charlie Fairhead:
She's more than that. Her commitment to her patients goes well beyond the remit of her job description. I've watched this doctor sit till the early hours of the morning with bereaved relatives after finishing a particularly punishing night shift. That the Doctor Coldwell I know is being forced to defend her reputation in this Coroner's Court, I find frankly ridiculous. And the Doctor Coldwell I know is being framed - and I mean *framed* - in this way, I think is a moral outrage. Clearly the hospital failed in its responsibility to administer the D Dimer test to Mr. Kemp - that's clear. Therefore the failure lies in the administrative system of the hospital.

Pam Kemp:
[very distressed] It's all just words! Someone's got to take responsibility for her death!

Coroner:
Order! Quiet please.

Charlie Fairhead:
Sorry. I'm *so* sorry. The fault, you see, is in the communication of information, for which Doctor Coldwell alone cannot be held responsible. Undoubtedly the hospital failed and let down Mrs. Kemp's son - that is without doubt. But does it now intend to betray one of its finest doctors too? I feel *ashamed* of working for a management that can scapegoat one of its finest doctors, in the interests of covering up what is essentially a management failure. I feel heartily *ashamed*!

[Selena has just tearfully admitted to Maggie that she is still pregnant and didn't have an abortion. As Maggie gives her a big hug, Stitch walks in]

Theo 'Stitch' Lambert:
Maggie and Selena - together at last! I knew it! I knew it!

Nick Jordan:
Surgeons don't really like the idea of miracles - it suggests divine intervention. We like to think we're the *only* gods in the room.

[at the coffee machine after Alex Watson has learned that his mother tried to poison his wife]

John 'Abs' Denham:
Cor. You're living dangerously. A "Holby Roulette", that's called. You never know what's gonna come out. Tomato soup, chocolate, tea - sometimes all in the same cup!

Alex Watson:
Good. It's for my mother.

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
[Dancing with Lily at the pub celebrating Valentine's Day together] Say it louder!

Lily Chao:
I'm not used to drinking!

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
Then you're gonna regret it in the morning?

Lily Chao:
[in a state of being drunk bends over and attempts to kiss Martin Ashford]

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
[Lily almost smooches Martin's cheek] What are you doing? Not really appropriate, Lily

Lily Chao:
[embarrassed, horrified and disgusted witless upon realising what she's done, breaks the dance, backs away and storms off]

Martin 'Ash' Ashford:
[Lily, whilst drunk leans in an attempt to kiss Dr. Ashford] What are you doing? That's not really appropriate, Lily

[Maggie's daughter is about to give birth]

Toby De Silva:
So, Maggie, what's it going to be: "Nan", "Gran" or "Old Mother Coldwell"?

Charlie Fairhead:
I'm not expecting anything special. I just want to be ordinary - but ordinary happy, with a job I love and a relationship that matters. And, yes, kids, for God's sake - all of it.

Lisa Duffin:
Come on, let's get out of here before we *both* go mad.

Charlie Fairhead:
Right.

Lisa Duffin:
I tell you what - if you haven't found the perfect woman by the time you're sixty, I'll make an honest man of you!

[grinning, they shake hands on the deal]