Cecil B. DeMented

Cherish:
All my directors f*** me.

Cecil:
I am not all your directors! I am Cecil B. Demented!

Sniffles:
Nobody here but us whackers.

Lyle:
Before I started doing drugs, I had so many problems. Now I only have one. Drugs. I have a focus now.

Honey:
How can you be a drug addict in the new millennium, Lyle? Drugs are so retro.

Lyle:
Before I became a drug addict, I had so many problems. Now I just have one - Drugs! It's given my life real focus.

Lyle:
When I was a drug addict, I had many problems. But now, I have only one problem: Drugs!

Cecil:
I have a vision!

Fidget:
Hey, hey MPAA, how many movies have you censored today?

Raven:
It's goat's urine. Want some?

Cecil:
Power to the people who punish bad cinema!

Cecil:
Demented forever!

Cecil:
Death to mainstream cinema!

Petie:
Tell me about Mel Gibson's dick and balls!

Cecil:
Action Fans! Help us!

Cecil:
I am Cecil B. Demented! And this is a f***ing kidnapping!

Rodney:
I'm ashamed of my heterosexuality!

Honey:
No! Please let me go! I promise I won't tell anyone about your little movie!

Cecil:
Little?

Honey:
I didn't mean, you know, *little*. I meant, you know, low-budget... ly cult.

Raven:
Pain is pleasure! Slavery is freedom! Suicide for Satan!

Cecil:
Celibacy for celluloid!

Candy counter girl:
Do you know Quentin Tarantino? I love his movies!

Cecil:
No adlibbing!

Dinah:
Hey! We're not union! And we're takin' over this movie!

Cecil:
I'm Cecil B. Demented, and you're in my movie. Do not look into the lens and ruin the shot or you will be shot.

Honey:
It's that f***ing new multiplex that opened in the mall, isn't it?

Cherish:
I heard they were sold out last night, mom.

Lyle:
No, not for the Flinstones sequel...!

Cecil:
No one gets laid until we've finished our movie. We're horny, but our film comes first!

Raven:
Hi, I'm Raven, I'm a Satanist and I'll be doing your make-up.

Raven:
You look so pale...

Raven:
Sorry, but Satan says you need more color.

Cherish:
Porno Fans! It's me, Cherish! And I need your hardcore help!

Cecil:
I'm a prophet against profit!

Honey:
Raven, you know, you're a really pretty girl. You could escape from all of this madness.

Raven:
Escape to what, Honey? I mean, my father is Zo-Zo, the three headed guard dog at the gate to hell.

Honey:
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Honey Whitlock:
Look at this dump of a town. Get me the f*** back to LA, God, if one more a**hole mentions a crab cake to me I'm going to puke.

Libby:
Well did you try the steamed crabs, they're red and really... tasty.

Honey Whitlock:
No, I did not! I'm not interested in any kind of meal that you have to beat with a f***ing mallet wearing some stupid kind of little bib!

Honey Whitlock:
Libby, do you think that Pat Nixon got f***ed in this hotel room?

Libby:
What?

Honey Whitlock:
It is called the Presidential Suite, isn't it?

Libby:
Yes, but...

Honey Whitlock:
I bet she did. Call the manager and ask him.

Libby:
I can't ask that! Pat Nixon was a stroke victim!

Honey Whitlock:
I believe it is your job to ask, is it not? Now call downstairs and ask the manager if Pat Nixon got f***ed in my hotel room. I want to know.

Honey Whitlock:
A WHITE f***ing LIMOUSINE?!

Libby:
Nobody will know, we're in Baltimore!

Honey Whitlock:
Do I look like Liberace's god-damn boyfriend for Christ sake? I have black limousine only in my contract!

Libby:
The charity probably made the arrangement, it was a honest mistake.

Honey Whitlock:
Do I look like a coke dealer?!

Libby:
No, Ms. Whitlock.

Honey Whitlock:
Do I look like I am going to the F***ING PROM?!

Sylvia Mallory:
This is William. William had heart surgery just seven days ago, and thanks to the blood transfusions paid for by your generosity at tonight's premier, he's going to be alright. Aren't you William?

William:
I don't want to be here!

Sylvia Mallory:
William's a little grumpy.

William:
Get off of me, ugly!

Sylvia Mallory:
But he's alive! And that's what counts.

Honey Whitlock:
Ow ow ow ow ow ow OW! I don't want to be blonde!

Rodney:
You're going off the deep end of the Clairol color chart!

Raven:
My father is Zozo, the three-headed guard dog at the gates of Hell.

Honey Whitlock:
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Honey Whitlock:
Ow Rodney, why do you have to hurt me? Gay men are supposed to be gentle!

Rodney:
That's just it, Honey, I'm not gay. I'm straight and I f***ing hate it! Petey loves me and I can't love him back. I tried. I kiss him, and all I feel is whiskers. I can't take that certain thickness in his pants. I'm ashamed of my heterosexuality!

Forrest Gump:
Hello. My name's Forrest. Forrest Gump.

Bench Waiter:
That's a damn shame.

Cecil B. Demented:
The slash and burn of the white-hot metal will brand you forever with the logo of Cecil B. Demented. Wear the privileged scar of cinema sainthood with pride and horniness.

Honey Whitlock:
Family is just a dirty word for censorship!

Cherish:
Hi. I played you in lots of porno movies. Some Kind of Happiness, I've already shot it. Only it's called Some Kind of Horniness.

Cherish:
When I was ten years old my entire family f***ed me under the Christmas tree!

Cherish:
Dear Diary, another day, and it's the same old thing. Every where I go, everything I do just seems to lead to the same dead end: my derrière.

Raven:
Satan says you need more color!

Theater Marquee:
Pauly Shore marathon, 4 comedy classics!!!!

Lyle:
[running in place] Help! Cherish! I'm stuck in a K-hole and I can't get out!

Angry Moviegoer:
I walk out of your films, on airplanes!

Cecil B. Demented:
Blue balls for celluloid!

Raven:
It's goat urine!