Chaos Theory

[first lines]

Jesse Allen:
[to Maid of Honor, while wearing wedding dress] Give it to me straight: virginal bride or slut in white?

Frank Allen:
You caught me reminiscing. A lot of memories here. Buy you a drink?

Ed:
Oh, I'd love to Frank, but uh... I'm kind of... I'm... I'm in a bit of a rush.

Frank Allen:
I insist. After all, it is the traditional function of the father of the bride.

Ed:
What is?

Frank Allen:
Keeping the groom away from back exits.

Frank Allen:
What about that thing with Jake Lee?

Ed:
[horrified] She told you that?

Frank Allen:
Two weeks, last year.

Ed:
Two weeks? She told me a week!

Frank Allen:
One, two, most of Lent. It's hardly the point.

Buddy Endrow:
[about Susan] Careful, Frank. She'd leave you nothing but your bones.

Frank Allen:
Do you know what doctors call riders that don't wear a helmet?

Buddy Endrow:
A hotel?

Frank Allen:
Organ donors.

Buddy Endrow:
[upon being asked his nickname for his penis] Master of the Universe, defender of our galaxy.

Susan Allen:
Oh sh*t, man. Couldn't it just be God Almighty or something?

Buddy Endrow:
That's my tongue, actually.

Jesse Allen:
I wish I wish upon the sun that my wish is number one.

Frank Allen:
And what'd you wish for?

Jesse Allen:
That Mary Vose will get hit by a truck.

Frank Allen:
Well that's not very nice. I thought Mary was your best friend.

Jesse Allen:
I divorced her.

Frank Allen:
You can't divorce a friend.

Jesse Allen:
Why not?

Frank Allen:
Because divorce is for married people.

Jesse Allen:
That's okay, as long as the truck hits her.

Susan Allen:
What time do you have to leave the house?

Frank Allen:
Eighteen after.

Susan Allen:
Eighteen after is not a time, it's a symptom. It's like a twitch.

[Susan twitches]

Susan Allen:
Don't drag him into anything unsavory tonight.

Buddy Endrow:
What do you consider unsavory?

Susan Allen:
Anything that might lead to a rash.

Frank Allen:
[giving speech] The relationship between time and you is always one of master and slave. List making - it is your anchor, your harbor in the storm of life. Start each morning with your wish for the day, and then move right on in into your daily goal list. Remember to keep them in behavorial terms and be specific. Why? Because a specific list is a happy list. And don't forget it's chaos out there. We conquer that by taking control, setting priorities. Life cannot be based on whim. Those who fail to control whim are destined to be controlled by it.

Frank Allen:
Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to show up late to a lecture on the efficiency use of time?

Frank Allen:
Nothing happened!

Susan Allen:
How can you call a baby nothing?

Frank Allen:
What baby?

Susan Allen:
The baby at the hospital!

Frank Allen:
Oh, that baby.

Damon:
Stop worrying. If even half of what you say is true, there's no way that the mother or the hospital or the queen of England can prove that the child's actually yours in the court of law.

Frank Allen:
I'm not worried about the court of law. I'm worried about the court of Susan.

Susan Allen:
What the hell is that?

Jesse Allen:
[holding mouse] I'm calling him Abigail.

Susan Allen:
Unbelievable. He's dressed you as a princess and bought you vermin.

Jesse Allen:
He's the best dad ever!

Buddy Endrow:
Are you tring to kill yourself?

Frank Allen:
Well, obviously, but I think it's going to take a little while.

Frank Allen:
I've decided never to decide another thing again.

Frank Allen:
All the decisions that you've made in your life are crap. You're a crappy person, leading a crappy life. Crappy crappy crappy.

Target of Frank's Attack:
[shaking his head] No.

Frank Allen:
Yeah. Crappy.

Frank Allen:
Say yes to whim! Say yes to chance! Say yes to chaos!

Paula Crowe:
Are you still a time tamer?

Frank Allen:
Are you still a home-wrecking b*tch?

Susan Allen:
Why didn't you tell me?

Frank Allen:
It's hard to talk with a knife in your back, Susan.

Buddy Endrow:
So you finished with all those index cards? It's been waned?

Frank Allen:
[rowing boat] Hell no. In fact, it was in the cards to come up here to accomplish something.

Buddy Endrow:
What sort of something?

Frank Allen:
Something big.

Buddy Endrow:
How big?

Frank Allen:
Oh, the biggest thing in my life.

Buddy Endrow:
Is the keyword here "life"?

Frank Allen:
Could be. Definitely could be.

Buddy Endrow:
[after Frank shoots a hole in the boat] Shooting at me first was just a figure of speech!

Buddy Endrow:
I'm sorry.

Frank Allen:
F*** you.

[last lines]

Frank Allen:
You look beautiful.

Jesse Allen:
I'm nervous, daddy.

Frank Allen:
Jake loves you very much.

Jesse Allen:
Ed.

Frank Allen:
He loves you too, honey.

Frank Allen:
Ever hear of chaos theory, Ed? It's a science, tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems. Weather, ocean currents, blood flow, that sort of thing. But it turns out that there are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart. Its beating up, slowing down. Pretty face, flight of stairs. It's always changing depending on what's happening out there. It's an erratic son of a b*tch. But underneath all of that bump-da-bump mess, there is in fact a pattern, the truth, and it's love. Most important thing about love is that we choose to give it, and we choose to receive it. Making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal and all the dirt that makes us human. If you can figure that out, the Jake Lees of the world got nothing on you.