Chastity Bites

Leah:
Paul, are we alone?

Paul:
Uh, yeah.

Leah:
I want to discuss De Beauvoir right now.

Paul:
Okay.

Leah:
Paul, do you believe that one's life has value so long as one attributes value to the love of others?

Paul:
Uh, yeah.

Leah:
Good, good. Very good. Do you believe that women can free themselves, both through individual action as well as... collective decisions?

Paul:
Yeah. Yes. Absolutely.

Leah:
Do you believe that one is not born, but rather becomes a woman?

Paul:
Well, yes, but don't forget that De Beauvoir said that even the most sympathetic of men can never fully comprehend a woman's situation.

Leah:
Shh, shh. Paul, we'll get to that. Right now, I need you to do me a favor.

Paul:
Yes.

Leah:
I need you to help me become a woman. Right now.

Liz Batho:
And now, it is time to complete these black rites as the midnight hour draws near. I make this unholy sacrifice of Alban Elved to the prince of darkness. Dark lord, restore my youth and beauty, and I will continue to serve only you... forever!

Leah:
Not so fast, you eurotrash hell whore.

Katharine:
Leah!

Liz Batho:
Leah. You little brat. I knew you'd make an appearance here tonight, just as your ancestor did on this night, so many moons ago.

Leah:
What does that mean?

Liz Batho:
I knew I recognized your bloodline the moment I saw you, cousin.

Katharine:
Cousin?

Liz Batho:
Yes. Your friend, Leah, is a direct descendant of Emperor Matthias II, who condemned me to death by walling me inside my bedchamber. But my power was strong, and a fortnight after they buried me in the cold earth, my devoted coven brought me back. They hid me for many years until I could reclaim the castle and continue this unholy ritual that has given me... eternal life. And now, I shall take especially sweet revenge by bathing in the blood of my enemy's great-great-granddaughter.

Katharine:
Leah!

Leah:
Go for it, b*tch. You know, I thought you might try that tonight, so I made it a point to lose my precious virginity before stopping by.

Katharine:
You did? Was it with Paul?

Leah:
You bet it was.

Katharine:
Oh, wow. Good for you.

Liz Batho:
Silence! No matter. I have other ways of torturing you.

Noemi:
I would never put anyone else down for their choice, but I think if I ever felt that tempted, I would just... get down on my knees and pray to God...

Liz Batho:
NO!

[sound of a thunderclap]

Liz Batho:
You must never mention His name in here! You see, my dear, we could get into a lot of trouble for having that sort of talk in a public school, yes? Well, I think that's enough for today. See you all next time.