Cheap Seats: Without Ron Parker

Mike Nelson:
With any luck at all, Gamera will come down and smite them both!

Crow T. Robot:
These guys are Smurfs. Right?

Crow T. Robot:
You know, this is just a great idea - a cable show where you make fun of other people's videos.

Tom Servo:
Shameless!

Mike Nelson:
It'll never last.

Crow T. Robot:
These guys are Smurfs, right?

[1997 Spelling Bee - a guy in a bee costume is consoling a runner-up in the "comfort room"]

Spelly The Bee:
It's OK, kid. Spelly The Bee says, not everyone can win. Someone has got to lose, and that someone just happens to be you.

Dan Patrick:
[Intro] Deep in the ESPN Tape Library, the Worldwide Leader in Classic Sports launched a new series designed to take a new look at the old games. They called it "Cheap Seats, with Ron Parker." Parker, an anchor with attitude with helped thanklessly by tape librarians Randy and Jason. The show was slated to go all the way. But moments into the first episode, tragedy struck. With Ron on the DL, someone needed to step up. Like Gehrig for Pipp, or Brady for Bledsoe. Sitting two and three on the hosting depth chart, that someone was Randy and Jason. That is their story, and this is "Cheap Seats... Without Ron Parker."

Jeff Harbaugh:
Do I think one day Hideki Ichimo will break down these walls and get a job in Major League Baseball? No. Absolutely not. I would bet my wife on that. But do I think that one day when Huey Lewis dies... and he will die... that Hideki might step in to fill that void? Yes, I do. And I'd bet my wife on that too.

Steven Gregory:
You get the whole set of knives. You get the cutting board. You get the cheese grater. You get the banana machete. The salad saber. The apple guillotine. You get the tomato saw. The bagel razor. The potato mallet. The carrot sickle. The mango hatchet. You get the Bryan Adams CD. The cassette tape head cleaner. But wait, there's more. You get another whole set of knives. You get another cutting board. You get another cheese grater. You get another banana machete. Another salad saber...

Jason, Randy:
Let's bee it up, yo!

Outdoor Games Commentator:
He should still be wearing a hat...

Host:
Forget about the hat... he's got a gun!

Randy:
Yes, because nothing says America more than a German man winning a Chinese beard contest in his wife's robe.

Jason, Randy:
[chanting] USA! USA!

Host:
Well, what do you wear to a cat show?

Host:
A disguise.

Host:
Because nothing goes better with dessert than a loaded weapon under Mose's pillow.

Host:
Yeah, I don't want to actually spend time with my pet, that's why I'm getting a cat.

Bradley Wallace:
Have you seen sports? You're welcome. Remember the Homer Hankie? That was me. Let me show you something. [he rips up a piece of paper] Pretty cool right? It's called confetti. I invented that.

[repeated line during Scrabble championships]

Jason, Randy:
TILE PILE!

Jason:
So you went to Diablo Valley Junior College?

Randy:
Yeah.

Jason:
What did you study there?

Randy:
Demonic possession, animal sacrifice, business.

Jason:
Cool.

Guy LeFleur:
I don't have a dog myself, I'm allergic. Um, dogs and cashews, throat closes right up. I guess, wow, worse case scenario is a dog that had just eaten cashews throws up in my mouth. Luckily, that only happened once.

Jason:
Dear ABC, stop... Do you believe in resignations, stop...