Checking Out

Ted Applebaum:
Of course he knows how to push our buttons. He installed them.

Flo Applebaum:
Did you know that every Jewish holiday can be summed up in nine words? They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Flo Applebaum:
Your blame on top of my guilt, I don't need it.

Rhonda Apple:
I miss my real nose.

Morris Applebaum:
You are normal, and you were born into a crazy family, and that makes you crazy.

Ted Applebaum:
My personal life is not a part of your therapy, Dan.

Dan:
Your old man is a pain in the ass too, ha?

Ted Applebaum:
My father is not why we're here. [very uncomfortable]

Doorman:
I love your new show.

Flo Applebaum:
So *you're* the one.

Ted Applebaum:
Dad, you know your letter is a cry for help.

Morris Applebaum:
Out here 5 minutes and already a diagnosis? You gotta be careful, Ted. You start seeing a person as a cry from help, you can completely miss the entire person.

Ted Applebaum:
Ah, you want me to take Viagra, eh. Ah! It would be like raising a new flagpole on a condemned building.

Flo Applebaum:
I heard that.

Ted Applebaum:
And you'll steal it.

Flo Applebaum:
Why not, you did.

Morris Applebaum:
I know I've been to so many funerals, I can comparison shop.

Ted Applebaum:
Wait a minute, you're going out?

Morris Applebaum:
Yes, we do that in New York. That's why we built the rest of the city so close to the apartments.

Morris Applebaum:
He perverts Shakespeare, I'll talk to him ANY WAY I WANT!

Dr Sheldon Henning:
Hi, I'm Dr. Sheldon Henning. I was referred from a referral. Dr. Ted Applebaum called a Dr. Markawitz, who referred this to a Dr. Martin Seagel, with an "ea", who referred it to a Dr. Marvin Siegel, with an "ie"...

Ted Applebaum:
[releasing man's lapels] Sorry, I have some issues. But I'm a doctor and I understand these things.

Flo Applebaum:
Whoa, a brother with a badge!

Flo Applebaum:
Ted cleans when he's upset. We used to tease him just so he would clear the damn dishes.

Dr Sheldon Henning:
Barry also cleans?

Flo Applebaum:
No, Barry eats. He knows once Ted gets started, Ted won't let anybody in there, and Barry's afraid he'll starve.

Dr Sheldon Henning:
And you?

Flo Applebaum:
Shop. Eat. Cry. Sometimes all at the same time.

Morris Applebaum:
[to gathered family] First of all I didn't loose Riva, she died. Pain? For months I couldn't get a full breath. Like I had no lungs. It's grief. And it's most potent. But I didn't grieve because of the loss of hope. I grieved because we loved. We loved. We weren't fools. We knew somebody had to go first. But if you love, you got no choice. And it was worth it. Oh, was it worth it.

Dan:
So you have like a growth in your head or something that makes you such a whack job?

Morris Applebaum:
I was a man of intelligence - thanks God, also talent. And after all, as Shakespeare said, der gants velt iz a bine, "all the world is a stage". And on the stage of life I was an actor. And I made things happen. And I always had a script. And I always knew the end. I didn't live as an audience not knowing what was coming next. So why should I live like an actor, and die like an audience?

Dr Sheldon Henning:
Morris look, with the mayor's office breathing down my neck, I gotta go by the book.

Morris Applebaum:
Well I tell ya, it's always very important to go by the book. Especially [laughing] if you haven't seen the movie.

Morris Applebaum:
Don't try. Ants try, people do.

[last lines]

Flo Applebaum:
You want to be the best man, and the father of the bride? Is there any room at this wedding for me?

Morris Applebaum:
[chuckling] We'll discuss it with Sheldon. But you know, you could park cars.

Flo Applebaum:
Oh gee, thanks.

Morris Applebaum:
Don't mention it. Also you could make egg creams.

Flo Applebaum:
I make 'em better than Jim Spa.

Morris Applebaum:
Hey, you stole my mind.

Flo Applebaum:
Yeah well, since you're going to be around you got plenty of time to steal it back.