Chicago

Velma Kelly:
She stole my garters.

Roxie:
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Matron Mama Morton:
Deary, you're talking to the wrong people.

Roxie:
You're, THE Velma Kelly. I was there the night you got arrested.

Velma Kelly:
Yeah? You and half of Chicago.

Liz:
You know how some people have those habits that get you down? Like Bernie. Bernie liked to chew gum. No, not chew. POP. So I come home from work one night and I'm real irritated, and I'm looking for a little sympathy. And there's Bernie, lying on the couch, drinking a beer and chewin'. No, not chewin'. POPPIN'. So I said "If you pop that gum one more time..." And he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots... into his head.

Annie:
I met Ezekial Young from Salt Lake City, and he told me he was single, so we hit it off right away. Every night, he'd come home, I'd mix him a drink, we'd have dinner. It was like heaven in two and a half rooms. But soon I found out: Single he told me? Well, single my ass. Not only was he married. Oh no. He had six wives. One of those Mormons, ya know? Well, one night he came home, and I mixed him a drink, as usual... You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

Billy Flynn:
This trial... the whole world... it's all... show business.

June:
I'm standin' in the kitchen, carving up a chicken for dinner, minding my own business, when in storms my husband, Wilbur, in a jealous rage. "You've been screwing the milkman," he said. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, "You've been screwing the milkman." And then he ran into my knife... he ran into my knife ten times.

Billy Flynn:
Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous, row after row will grow vociferous.

Mona:
I loved Al Lipshitz more than I could say. He was a real artistic type, a painter. He was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself. And on the way, he found Ruth. Gladys. Rosemary. And Irving. I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive. And I saw him dead.

Roxie:
It'll never work.

Velma Kelly:
Why not?

Roxie:
Because I hate you.

Velma Kelly:
There's only one business where that's no problem at all.

Roxie:
You want some advice, well here's a piece of advice from me to you, lay off the caramels.

Billy Flynn:
I don't mean to toot my own horn, but if Jesus Christ lived in Chicago today, and he had come to me and he had five thousand dollars, let's just say things would have turned out differently.

Roxie:
They LOVE me.

Billy Flynn:
They'd love you a lot more if you were hanged. You know why? Because it would sell more papers... That's Chicago.

Billy Flynn:
Would you please tell the audience... err... the jury what happened?

Roxie:
Don't you wanna take my picture?

Billy Flynn:
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle. Razzle razzle 'em. Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it and the reaction will be passionate.

Velma Kelly:
My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop. My sister and I were headed straight for the top. My sister and I made a thou a week at least, but my sister is now unfortunately deceased. I know it's sad, of course, but a fact is still a fact. And now all that remains is the remains of a perfect double act.

Amos Hart:
Cellophane. Mr. Cellophane shoulda been my name, Mr. Cellophane, 'cause you can look right through me, walk right by me and never know I'm there.

Liz:
Pop.

Annie:
Six.

June:
Squish.

Hunyack:
Unh-uh.

Velma Kelly:
Cicero.

Mona:
Lipschitz.

Bailiff:
Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Velma Kelly:
And then some.

Bailiff:
Take a seat.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison:
Would you state your name for the record, please?

Velma Kelly:
Velma Kelly.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison:
Ms. Kelly, would you please tell the court if the object that I am holding is the one you happened to come across in the defendant's jail cell?

Velma Kelly:
Yes, it is.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison:
I submit this as Exhibit X - Roxie Hart's diary!

Billy Flynn:
I object! My client has never held a diary! And even if she did, this would be... invasion of privacy, and violation of the fourth amendment, and... and illegal search without a warrant!

Roxie Hart:
Yeah, AND she broke the lock!

Billy Flynn:
I object.

Judge:
Sustained.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison:
Your Honor, I haven't even asked a question yet.

Velma Kelly:
My sister Veronica and I had this double act, and my husband Charlie traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row: one, two, three, four, five, splits, spread-eagles, back-flips, flip-flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show we're at the hotel Cicero, the three of us boozin, having a few laughs, and we run out of ice, so I run out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Veronica and Charlie doing number 17, the spread-eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock that I completely blacked out; I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead.

Bandleader:
Mr. Billy Flynn and the press conference rag. Notice how his mouth never moves... almost.

Velma Kelly:
Come on, babe, we're gonna brush the sky. I betcha Lucky Lindy never flew so high 'cause in the stratosphere how could he lend an ear to all that jazz.

Roxie:
God that's beautiful.

Billy Flynn:
Cut out God. Stay where you're better acquainted.

Roxie:
You were mentioned in the paper today, in the back with the obituaries. 'Velma Kelly's trial has been post-poned indefinitely.' Seven words.

Roxie:
You can like the life you're living, you can live the life you like. You can even marry Harry, but mess around with Ike.

Amos Hart:
Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.

Matron Mama Morton:
In this town, murder's a form of entertainment.

Roxie:
...And Sophie Tucker will sh*t I know, to see her name get billed below... Roxie Hart.

Velma Kelly:
You know you're really not that bad.

Roxie:
Yeah, that and a dime. What the hell are you doing here.

Velma Kelly:
Heard you been making the rounds.

Roxie:
Yeah well, if it was up to you I'd be swinging by now.

Velma Kelly:
I'd always knew Billy'd get you off. You should know how to put things behind you.

Roxie:
I'll put that at the top of my list once I find a job... and an apartment, with a jon.

Roxie:
"Oooh, the audience loves me... and I love them. And they love me for loving them and I love them for loving me. And we love each other. And that's because none of us got enough love in our childhood. And that's showbiz... kid."

Bandleader:
Miss Velma Kelly in an act... of desperation

Bandleader:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, a tap dance.

Roxie:
This dress makes me look like a Woolworths lamp shade. I'm not wearing this dress.

Billy Flynn:
You're wearing cause I tell you too.

Roxie:
I'm not wearing it.

Kitty Baxter:
I'll give you three- GO TO HELL.

Roxie:
Yeah I killed him and I would kill him again.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison:
Once was enough Deary. Take her down to the Cook County Jail.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison:
This is hanging case, and we're ready to go to in front of the jury tomorrow.

Roxie:
Wha-Wha-What do you mean hanging?

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison:
You're not so tough now, are you?

Roxie:
What do ya mean hanging?

Matron Mama Morton:
Hey, you must be that Hart girl.

Roxie:
Yes, m'am

Matron Mama Morton:
Aren't you the pretty one.

Roxie:
Thank you m'am

Matron Mama Morton:
Call me mama. Now don't worry 'cause we're gonna take care of you. You'll be staying on E-block. Murderess row we like to call it.

Roxie:
Oh... Is that nicer?

Roxie:
He was trying to burgle me.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison:
From what I hear, he's been burgling you three times a week for the past month.

Ms. Sunshine:
As you know my paper is dry. Do you have any advice for girls who choose to avoid a life of jazz, and drink?

Roxie:
And then I started foolin' around... and then I started screwin' around, which is foolin' around without dinner.

Nickie:
Ever have Morton before? Oh... she's fine. As long as you keep her happy.

Velma Kelly:
She'd say, "What's your sister like?" I'd say, "Men."

Billy Flynn:
My client feels that it was a combination of liquor and jazz that led to the downfall.

Matron Mama Morton:
As you know I'm here to take care of you. Now if anything hurts you, or upsets you in any way... don't run your fat ass mouth off to me cause I don't give a sh*t. Now move out.

Velma Kelly:
You wanted my advice, right? Well here it is. Don't forget Billy Flynn's number one client is... Billy Flynn.

Roxie:
What's that supposed to mean?

Velma Kelly:
It means, don't let him hog the spot-light when you're the one they paid to see.

Velma Kelly:
I just can't take it anymore. I can't go anywhere without hearing about that damn tomato.

Velma Kelly:
Oh no, Mama, not you too.

Roxie:
In the Bed Department, Amos was... zero. I mean, he made love to me like he was fixing a carburetor or something.

Billy Flynn:
Miss Kelly, did you make a deal with Assistant D.A. Harrison to drop all charges against you in exchange for your testimony?

Velma Kelly:
Of course. I'm not a complete idiot.

Roxie:
I'm gonna be a celebrity, that means somebody everyone knows. They're gonna recognize my eyes, my hair, my teeth, my b*obs, my nose.

Matron Mama Morton:
Come on, Vel, you know how I feel about you. You're like family to me, one of my own.

Matron Mama Morton:
I'll do it for fifty.

Billy Flynn:
I don't want ya to give a damn when people...

Amos:
When people what?

Billy Flynn:
Laugh.

Amos:
Laugh? Why would they laugh?

Billy Flynn:
'Cause they can count. Can you count?

Matron Mama Morton:
They say that life is tit for tat, and that's the way I live... so I deserve a lotta tat for what I've got to give.

Roxie:
You see, ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be on the stage.

Velma Kelly:
Oh yeah? What's your talent; washing and drying?

Roxie:
Fresh towels, for the can.

Roxie:
Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong but he doesn't care. He'll string along. He loves me so, that Funny Honey of mine. / Sometimes I'm down, sometimes I'm up. But he follows round like some droopy eyed pup. He loves me so, that Funny Honey of mine.

Roxie:
But look at that soul. I tell ya that hole is a whole lot greater than the some of his parts. And if you knew him like me. I know you'd agree.

Roxie:
What if the world slandered my name, well he'd be right there taking the blame. He loves me so. And it all suits me fine. That funny, sunny, honey hubby of mine.

Velma Kelly:
Slick your hair and wear your buckle shoes... And all that jazz. I hear that father dip is gonna blow the blues... And all that jazz. Hold on hun we're gonna bunny hug, I bought some aspirin down at united drug. In case we shake apart and want a brand new start to do that Jazz.

Velma Kelly:
Find a flask, we're playing fast and loose And all that jazz. Right up here is where I store the juice... And all that jazz.

Velma Kelly:
Oh, you're gonna see her do the shimmy shake... And all that jazz. Oh, she's gonna shimmy till her garters break... And all that jazz. Show her where to park her girdle. Oh, her mother's blood'll curdle if she hear her baby's queer for All that jazz...

Billy Flynn:
This is Chicago, kid. You can't beat fresh blood on the walls.

Roxie:
Who says that murder's not an art?

Velma Kelly:
Me and Roxie would just like to say, thank you!

Velma Kelly:

Bandleader:
Five, six, seven, eight!

Roxie:
Yeah, I killed him! And I'd kill him again!

Harrison:
Once was enough, dearie. Take her downtown!

Mama:
You'll be staying in E Block. Murderess' Row, we like to call it.

Roxie:
Oh... is that nicer?

Ms.Sunshine:
Are you sorry?

Roxie:
Are you kidding?

Reporter:
Would you like to give us a word or two?

Kitty:
I'll give you three - GO TO HELL!

Billy:
(Roxie has claimed to be pregnant and has been examined) Well, is she or isn't she?

Doctor:
(flustered) She is.

Billy:
I see. And would you swear to that in court?

Doctor:
Yes.

Billy:
Good. Button your fly.

Amos:
Laugh, why would they laugh?

Billy:
'Cause they can count. Can you count?

Billy:
I OBJECT!!

Judge:
Sustained.

Harrison:
Your Honor, I haven't asked a question yet!

Bailiff:
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Velma:
And then some.

Billy:
I object! My client has never held a diary! And even if she did, this would be... invasion of privacy, and violation of the fourth amendment, and,and, and... and illegal search without a warrant!

Roxie:
(outraged) Yeah! And she broke the lock!

Velma:
Me and Roxie would just like to say thank you!

Roxie:
Thank you! Believe us, we could never have done it without you!

Roxie and Velma:
(singing) And all... that... jazz!! (spoken) That jazz!

Baby you believe what your seeing or what I’m telling you

Velma Kelly:
(Singing) Come on babe, why don't we paint the town? And all that jazz! I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down... And all that jazz! Start the car, I know a whoopie spot, where the gin is cold and the piano's hot! It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl, and all... that... jazz!

Velma Kelly:
(Listening to a description of Roxie's trial on the radio) Oh, mama, she stole my garter...(grabs radio and shakes it) She stole my garters! First she steals my publicity, then she steals my lawyer, my trial date, and now she steals my goddamn garter!

Velma Kelly:
(Smoking her cigarette and smoke puffs from her red lips) Cicero.

Velma Kelly:
Look honey, you want some advice? Well, here it is, direct from me to you. Keep your paws 'off my underwear, 'kay?

Velma Kelly:
(Singing) No, I'm no one's wife, but oh, I love my life!! And all... that... Jazz!!!!

Velma Kelly:
You wanted my advice, right? Well here it is. Don't forget Billy Flynn's number one client is... Billy Flynn.

Velma Kelly:
What's your talent; washing and drying?

Velma Kelly:
(After Roxie turns down her idea of doing a double act together saying "It'll never work./'Cause I hate you!") There's only one business in the world where that's no problem at all.....(raises eyebrow and grins slyly...leads into Nowadays)

Roxie Hart:
(Singing) And that's good, isn't it? Grand, isn't it? Great, isn't it? Swell, isn't it? Fun, isn't it?

Roxie Hart:
(At a press conference, protesting her innocence) I bet you want to know why I shot the bastard?

Roxie Hart:
(In a Southern accent) I was born on a beautiful Southern convent... (In a normal voice) Oh, holy sh*t! I'm never gonna get this straight!!!

Roxie Hart:
(Velma just sung "I Can't Do It Alone") So where was the part where you blew her brains out??

Amos Hart:
Boy, what a sap I was!

Amos Hart:
(Singing) A human being's made of more than air? With all that bulk you're bound to see 'em there! ...Unless that human bein' next to you, is unimpressive, undistingushed, you... know... who.

Billy Flynn:
When you came to me, I didn't ask if she was guilty, I didn't ask if she was innocent, I didn't ask if she was a drunk, a dope fiend. No, I asked, did you have five thousand dollars, and you told me yes, but you don't have five thousand dollars so I figure you're a dirty liar and I don't do deals with dirty liars! (Amos reaches out to take back the money) However...

Billy Flynn:
(Singing) Give 'em the old razzle dazzle; razzle dazzle 'em. Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it and the reaction will be passionate. Give 'em the old hocus pocus; bead and feather 'em. How can they see with sequins in their eyes? What if your hinges all are rusting? What if, in fact, you're just disgusting? Razzle dazzle 'em, and they'll never catch wise.

Billy Flynn:
It's all a circus, kid. A three ring circus. These trials - the whole world - all showbusiness. But kid, you're working with a star - the biggest!

Billy Flynn:
You're a free woman, Roxie Hart. And God save Illinois.

Matron 'Mama' Morton:
(Singing) The folks atop the ladder are the ones the world adores. So boost me up my ladder kid, and I'll boost you up yours!

Matron 'Mama' Morton:
(Singing) Let's all stroke together, like the Princeton crew. When you're strokin' Mama, Mama's strokin' you!

Matron 'Mama' Morton:
Sometimes you get a little success, and it's good riddance to who put you there.

Matron 'Mama' Morton:
(Singing) Ask any of the chickies in my pen, they'll tell you I'm the biggest mother... hen.

Annie (Merry Murderess):
Some men just can't hold their arsenic.

June (Merry Murderess):
And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.