CHiPs

[Jon announces his proposal for a trail bike task force]

Officer Jon Baker:
I'd like to nominate my partner, Frank Poncherello.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Hey, that's great. 'Cause when we first met, I was on a dirtbike.

Officer Jon Baker:
Uh, no, Ponch. When we first met, you had just fallen off a dirtbike.

[a hacker has messed up the CHP's payroll]

Sgt. Joseph Getraer:
Now, about the paychecks.

Officer Barry Baricza:
Yeah, I've got a car payment due!

[the other officers start complaining]

Sgt. Joseph Getraer:
Settle down! Just settle down and we'll try to sort out your paychecks.

Officer Barry Baricza:
Well, how much was YOUR paycheck?

Sgt. Joseph Getraer:
[nervously] It's... more than I usually get. [under his breath] It's closer to what I deserve.

Sgt. Joseph Getraer:
Will you get out of here. You're blowing my cover.

Officer Frank Poncherello:
Uh-uh. I'm writing you a ticket. My Sergeant says I can write as many as I want.

Officer Jon Baker:
Listen, uh, you must have transferred from a real gung ho station?

Brent Delaney:
[Condescendingly] No, no station. This is my first assignment. I was graduated fom motor school last Friday.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
[to Jon as Delaney strides away] Is he pulling our leg? Two days out of motor school?

Officer Jon Baker:
Yeah. He passed motorcycles, but failed public relations.

Barry:
[Comparing L.A. to his former home on a ranch in Utah] There's no room here. It's crowded. The wind doesn't blow. You can't see the mountains.

Officer Jon Baker:
Hey, look, I hear what you're saying. You know, I felt the same way when I first came here.

Barry:
Where are you from?

Officer Jon Baker:
Wyoming. You know, the biggest crowd I ever saw before I came here was Cheyenne Frontier Days.

Officer Arthur Grossman:
[Commenting on Barry's admiration for Jon] Kid thinks you're Matt Dillon and the Lone Ranger rolled into one.

Officer Jon Baker:
Your day as a UFO, right?

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
UFO?

Officer Jon Baker:
Yeah, Unwilling Flying Observer.

Bob Patterson:
[On patrol in the helicopter] So it isn't me you hate at all.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
I don't hate anyone. I have no hate in my body. I go to church, I love my country and my mother.

Bob Patterson:
But you're terrified of flying?

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
I am not! Get it through your head, Bob - I love flying! There's one thing I'm terrified of.

Bob Patterson:
And what's that?

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Crashing!

Andy Whitman:
[Whitman falls off van after setting CHP car on fire] Aw come on, my back, man! Call me an ambulance!

Officer Barry Baricza:
[Handcuffing Whitman] OK, you're an ambulance.

Officer Jon Baker:
[References Crawford's TV show Highway Patrol] They don't make TV shows like that anymore.

Broderick Crawford:
Yeah they don't do they?

Harlan:
[Watching wistfully as Ponch and Jon ride off] Ah, if I was two inches taller, I would be cracking the bricks with them.

Sgt. Joseph Getraer:
Well, look at the flip side, Harlan. If you were two inches shorter, you'd be riding losers at Hollywood Park.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Sometimes, with everything that's happened, I wonder if he really likes me.

Officer Jon Baker:
Who, Getraer?

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
No - God! I know Getraer doesn't like me!

Officer Jon Baker:
[after Ponch storms out after being reprimanded] Listen, Sarge, I don't want this to sound like a p.r. job, but I mean if you took a closer look at his jacket, maybe... maybe you'd find some citations and recommendations. I mean, the guy's put some righteous criminals behind bars.

Sgt. Joseph Getraer:
Look, you've had to babysit him for six months now. What is it? His temper? No presence of mind? What?

Officer Jon Baker:
I dunno. Sometimes the guy overdoes a role. Sometimes he doesn't know when to back off. Weird things happen to him. Ya gotta be there. He can't see 'em comin' and once they're there he can't stop them.

Sgt. Joseph Getraer:
Yeah, well, maybe I should've partnered him with an exorcist.

[last lines]

Becky Lou:
I broke my nail!

Voice:
Moloch must die. Moloch will die. Moloch is dead with his fiery breath.

Ginny:
Did I do something wrong?

Officer Frank Poncherello:
You went through an orange light at Red Drive.

Ginny:
Red Drive, where's that?

Officer Jon Baker:
Look, there's no such thing as Red Drive. You ran a red light back there at Orange Drive.

[Final scene; Toni and Sharon prepared a celebratory dinner of hamburgers and kelp salad for the Central L.A. team. Sergeants Aikens & Getraer and Ponch serve themselves]

Sgt. Aikens:
Well, J. Rodney Cameron has some very influential friends. Probably spend three years inside. You know, the one who arrested the guy?

Sgt. Joseph Getraer:
Yeah. But when we left him, he wasn't singing, but he was humming.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Hey Aikens, why don't try the salad? It's delicious.

Sgt. Aikens:
What is it, Kelp?

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Yeah.

Sgt. Aikens:
Oh, yeah, I love it.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Figures.

[Ponch sits down with Jon, Jed, Bear, Grossie, and Bonnie]

Officer Bonnie Clark:
Sergeant, what's gonna happen to those two guys that sunk the boat?

Sgt. Aikens:
They belong to the Feds. We don't need them.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
[eats his burger] Hey Sharon, these burgers are super. Did you make 'em?

Sharon:
No, they're Toni's invention.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Great, Toni. How did get that flavor?

Toni:
Oh, it's a combination of things. Mostly seaweed and shark meat.

[the camera freezes on Jon and Ponch, completely shocked]

Toni:
[jokes; Sharon smiles] Kidding, Ponch. Just kidding.

[Bonnie laughs, Jed chuckles, and Ponch & Jon smirks with Bear smiling in the background. The camera then freezes on Sgts. Aikens and Getraer, both smiling]

Officer Arthur Grossman:
[mumbles] It's good.

[Jon laughs. The camera freezes back on Ponch & Jon with Bear in the background, then fades to black]

[Ponch and Jon just captured Rodney Cameron]

Officer Barry Baricza:
[reports back to the CHP Central Los Angeles office on the Poice Radio, not "C.B."] Ahoy on shore. This is CHP Navy out here. We got the crook and we got the evidence on him. Is there anything you need?

[Getraer chuckles]

Sgt. Joseph Getraer:
Well now, what do you say now, Sarge?

Sgt. Aikens:
Whoopie. Let's throw a party.

[Ponch, Jon, Bear, and Bonnie are having lunch at Toni & Sharon's place]

Sharon:
[explains about Kelp] Actually, all kelp or seaweed is one of seven forms of algae. Right now, I'm working with the Fale Fita and the giant Macrocystis. I'm trying to breed in some of the better qualities of Irish Red. It's a lot richer.

Officer Bonnie Clark:
Didn't they used to use kelp to for making soap?

Sharon:
Right, for the alkali. But now there are cheaper sources.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
[enjoying his salad] Jon, Bear, try this salad.

[Jon takes a bite of his salad]

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
[to Sharon] Who made this, you?

Sharon:
Uh-huh. Like it?

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Fantastic, Sharon. It's delicious. Mmm! What's in it?

Sharon:
Mostly... seaweed.

[Jon is not too crazy on the kelp salad]

Officer Jon Baker:
Hey Ponch, you can have mine. I'll take your burger.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Uh, listen, there's something I gotta tell ya, Jon. I don't want your feelings hurt, but I got a date with Sheila tomorrow night.

Officer Jon Baker:
Well, that's okay.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
It is?

Officer Jon Baker:
Yeah. I mean, don't be surprised if she cancels.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Ha! Why would she cancel?

Officer Jon Baker:
'Cause she has a date with me tonight.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Yeah, well, y'know, like they say in the oil fields, "That's Shah business!"

Officer Jon Baker:
[on patrol with the Sheik] Why don't you just relax? Maybe you'll learn something.

Barney:
I've learned all I care to know. You write citations, the fines get paid, the government gets richer. You know what you are, the both of you? You're nothing more than tax collectors in fancy uniforms.

Officer Bonnie Clark:
Welcome to the 1980's!