Christopher Brennan Saves the World

Christopher Brennan:
Welcome to Chris's drive-thru counseling, where the soda and ice is served with advice.

Tom Hartwell:
Chris, it's Hartwell. Tell me something. What's the easiest way to win over a girl's heart?

Christopher Brennan:
Music, Hartwell. It's about vulnerability. Music is expressive. Music is personal. And you know what? Girls like that.

Tom Hartwell:
Cool. Rock and roll.

Brett:
Yo, Chris, it's Brett. Hey, I got good news and I got bad news. So I pitched that idea to our coach - you know, the one about you being our team psychiatrist and all - well, he really digs it, man. Because real teams really have that. They really have, like, psychiatrists that meet with the players and help them keep their heads straight and stuff.

Christopher Brennan:
Okay.

Brett:
Well, here's the thing, here's the bad news. The team just lost a heartbreaker, so there's gonna be about sixty guys coming through the drive-thru tomorrow night.

Nick "Nickel" Johnson:
Chris, you're the "go-to" guy, not the "go-with" guy. The advice thing is great on a night-to-night basis, and I totally respect the fact that you've turned this place into the world's largest emotional vacuum. But would a girl want "this" as a boyfriend? Let's be honest. They'd rather listen to a seal go through labor.

Adam:
Wooooo! Cheers for beers! Chris, last week, man, thanks so much for tossing out that life preserver when I was drowning myself in the bottle.

Christopher Brennan:
Adam.

Adam:
Secondly, tell me the truth. Beer and Xanax - taken together - is that bad? Do you write prescriptions, Chris?

Christopher Brennan:
Adam, Xanax is a habit-forming prescriptive drug. It's in a drug class called the Benzos. Be careful.

Adam:
Oh god, you know, I can't do this. I'm feeling a little nauseated. You think I'm good to drive?

Greg The Fianc?:
You lost a real gem tonight. I make thirty grand a year... after taxes. And just so you know - and you can write this one down - it ain't pretty being easy.

Nick "Nickel" Johnson:
Welcome to Nickle's postmodern advice, where the burgers and fries are served with illusions and lies.

Christopher Brennan:
Hey Nickel, I got hamburger buns.

Nick "Nickel" Johnson:
That's great news, Chris, considering we're closed. Hey, I thought you quit.

Christopher Brennan:
I know, I just had to get away for a while. In case you missed it, the wreck of Christopher Brennan was everyone's Friday night.

Christopher Brennan:
I'll go load the register tape. Then I'll run to the store and get hamburger buns. And hey, as long as I'm out, I'll just stop by the local pawn shop and pick up a hand gun.

Eddie "Special Ed" Markham:
Uh, why would you do that?

Christopher Brennan:
So I can go home and shoot myself.

Nick "Nickel" Johnson:
Chris, you rock and you rule.

Christopher Brennan:
To the wedding lady, you are very vulnerable right now. You need to talk to your fianc?. You need to go on a dating sabbatical. If you hook up with another man right now, you will be left with a sexual hangover that will leave you depressed and angry.