Click

Michael:
Sorry I am late, guys. Some jackass parked his red Lamborghini in my parking space.

Prince:
Prince Habeeboo drive red Lamborghini.

Michael:
Oh, did I say red Lamborghini? I meant blue Ferrari.

Michael and Morty witness Michael being born.

Doctor:
Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Newman, you have a baby girl!

Gertrude:
A girl? No wait, this is a baby boy!

Theodore:
A boy? I have a son!

Gertrude:
I can see why you made a mistake doctor, it has such a tiny schmeckel!

Morty:
She must have some kind of super vision. Neither the doctor nor I could have identified something that small.

Michael:
My schmeckel got bigger now that I'm older. Just so you guys know that.

Trudy:
It couldn't have gotten any smaller.

Ted:
[laughing] It looked like a little Tic Tac.

Michael:
Yeah, come here. I'll freshen your breath.

Donna has witnessed the dog attacking the toy duck.

Donna:
I have to sew the duck's head back on... and fix his butthole.

Morty messes up the story of Lucky the Leprechaun, the mascot for Lucky Charms cereal.

Morty:
He's always chasing the pot of gold. But when he gets there, and the end of the day, it's just corn flakes.

Michael uses the remote to witness his summer vacation at Lake Winnepesaukee, New Hampshire, in 1976.

Child #1:
Mike, go long!

12-year old Michael:
Touchdown!

Gertrude:
Michael! Dinner is ready! You can invite your friends if you like.

12-year old Michael:
If you want to come over to my tent to have a barbeque, you are welcome.

Child #2:
Or, we could go over to my family's camper where we have a TV antenna and can watch Three's Company.

Kids elect to go to the RV, running off screen.

Children{in unison}:
Three's Company! Three's Company!

Adult Michael observes this with regret as his friends abandoned him since his parents did not have many material possessions, showing an insight to his adult personality.

Donna:
Will you still love me in the morning?

Michael:
Forever and ever, babe.

Donna kisses Michael, while watching their dog Sundance hump the stuffed duck.

Donna:
I know it's deviant... but it's kind of turning me on.

Donna kisses Michael again

Michael drives a futuristic luxury car in 2017 while he listens to the news. Due to real-time events since the movie, both reports will clearly not happen in reality.

Radio announcer:
And in legal news today, Michael Jackson's clone was charged by Michael Jackson for fondling him. This marks the first time in American history someone has sued their own clone. In other news, Britney Spears just had her 27th baby, finally motivating her husband Kevin Federline to start looking for a job.

Michael:
[reading off letter] Like I Said, "Good Guys Need A Break". I Know You'll Do The Right Thing This Time. Love Morty. P.S.: Your Wife's Rocking Body Still Drives Me Crazy.

Michael:
Okay, Morty.

Michael disposes of the universal remote in the trash bin, and this time it does not reappear.

[repeated line]

Morty:
It's all just... cornflakes.

Michael:
I guess when you combine mass quantities of cough syrup with yodels... you get acid.

Michael:
Oh, my god. Wolverine's goofy cousin.

Michael:
[looking in a mirror] You look like pale there, pal. Let me fix that.

Michael:
[changes his skin color to yellow] You're all yellow from the scurvy. Arr, captain.

Michael:
[changes his skin color to green] Grr.. Don't get the Hulk angry. Raaaahrrr!

Michael:
[changes his skin color to purple] Oh, there's Barney.

Michael spoofs the Barney song.

Michael:
I love you, you love me. The jogger has giant boobies.

Ben at 7-Years-Old:
Hey, Dad! Look at Kevin's new Robo-Dog!

Michael:
[not listening] That's nice.

Kevin:
NICE? This thing's worth more than your car!

Michael:
[runs over robo-dog] Not anymore it ain't!

Ben is now a full-grown man and has gone into his father's line of work. Michael looks around Ben's office and sees a picture of him with a very attractive blonde woman.

Michael:
Whoa, Ben! Way to go! Where did you find a woman like this? How did you meet her?

Ben:
Uh, Dad, she is your daughter and my sister.

Michael is taken aback that he has just made guy comments about Samantha.

Michael:
Oh right, right! And uh, we have to protect her as the men of the family!

Michael:
Ben... family... always comes first...

Michael:
Why are you always trying to hurt me? One day, I'm gonna hurt you back.

Kathy:
Michael Newman, I didn't know you smoked cigars.

Michael:
And now's the time. No, Kathy, this isn't mine. I took it out of Kevin's hands. Yeah, he was smoking like a chimney.

Kevin:
No, I wasn't!

Michael:
I think I smell marajuana in it.

Kathy:
Kevin O'Doyle, you get your ass in this house right now!

Kevin:
I hate you!

Kathy:
Are you deaf?! Move it! I don't wanna have to ask you again!

Michael:
Dope is for dopes, buddy!

Kathy:
[grabs Kevin by the hair] Get your ass in this house!

Kevin:
I'm a equestrain rider, mom.

Kathy:
Whatever! We're still mad at you!

Kevin:
[screaming and throwing stuff]

Alfred:
Why are you doing this?!

Kevin:
It's not my fault!

Grandma:
It's your fault because you joined Horseman!

Kevin:
He's my only friend.

Grandma:
He's mean and so are you!

Kevin:
Fine! I don't need all of you!

Kathy:
That's it! Where's your imaginary friend?!

Kevin:
Run, Horseman! Run!

Horseman:
Come with me in your room!

Kathy:
Kevin O'Doyle!

Grandma:
Tear his horse stuff down!

Horseman:
We're safe now.

Kevin:
Nice one, Horseman.

Horseman:
Why don't we watch the horse show in our.... Ow! [crying]

Kevin:
[crying]

Alfred:
You're extremely bad, Kevin!

Kevin:
And always spying....

What If You Had A Universal Remote... That Controlled Your Universe?

[Michael has agreed to his wife about going to his kids' swim meet, but the O'Doyles' showy son appears]

Kevin:
Mr. Newman.

Michael:
Kevin O'Doyle. Yeah. Always a pleasure.

Kevin:
What kind of stereo you got in that blue piece of sh*t?

Michael:
You know what? I never checked, Kevin.

Kevin:
Yeah, well, my father's stereo is a Bose.

Michael:
Your father's stereo blows? That's too bad.

Kevin:
No! I said... That's not what I said!

Michael:
His father's stereo blows! Whee!!! [drives off]

[at the brink of death in 2029, Mike makes one last effort to reach out to his family. Ben hears Mike calling to him on the street and the entire family scrambles to him]

Mike:
[to Ben] Ben, Ben. Family. Family. Family.

Ben:
What?

Mike:
Family. Family.... Family comes first.

Ben:
[in tears] Family comes first.

Mike:
Honeymoon. Honeymoon.

Ben:
Honeymoon. [to his wife] I love you. [consoles with her]

Mike:
Samantha. Samantha. I didn't make 200, but I love you.

Samantha:
I love you.

Mike:
Bill, Bill, Bill. [flips him off but he signifies an okay sign, indicating he's made peace with him. He holds Donna's hand] I'm sorry.

Morty:
Michael. The note you wrote her, in your pocket. [shows note stating "Will you still love me in the morning?"]

Donna:
Forever and ever, babe.

Morty:
[kneels]It's time to go.

John Ammer:
Well, the interesting thing, Prince Habeeboo, is that the building codes in Manhattan will allow us to- Michael.

Michael:
Sorry I'm late, sir. Some moron in a red Lamborghini parked in my spot, so-

Prince Habeeboo:
Prince Habeeboo drive red Lamborghini.

Michael:
Ehh, red Lamborghini? I meant blue Ferrari.

Prince Habeeboo:
Is this one of your partners?

John Ammer:
Actually, Michael is just an associate. But he is one of our brightest young architects.

Michael:
Thank you.

John Ammer:
Walk His Majesty through our design concept.

Michael:
With pleasure. Prince Haboobee...

Prince Habeeboo:
Habeeboo! Prince Habeeboo.

Michael:
Habeeboo. I thought I said that. When Mr. Ammer explained to me the type of man you are- a visionary who prides himself on originality- I said to myself, "Let's smash the mould and redefine elegance." So I present to you your restaurant. [unveils a scale model of the planned restaurant interior]

Prince Habeeboo:
Where is...? Where is bar?

Michael:
Bar is... Here's the bar. Now, the waterfall...

Prince Habeeboo:
Make bar longer.

Michael:
Okay. We could cut into the atrium a little bit.

Prince Habeeboo:
No atrium. Just make bar longer for Prince Habeeboo.

Michael Newman:
[having seen that what happened was just a dream, he makes amends with his family and prepares for their Fourth of July vacation, but sees the remote in the kitchen and reads an attached letter] Like I said, '"Good guys need a break". I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love Morty. P.S.: Your wife's rocking body still drives me crazy.' Okay, Morty. [disposes of the universal remote in the trash bin, and this time it does not reappear]

[Ben is now a full-grown man and has gone into his father's line of work. Michael looks around Ben's office and sees a picture of him with a very attractive blonde woman.]

Michael:
Wowie! That's a looker. Blondie, big lips. Chesty. Is that your girl?

Ben:
No, that's your daughter Samantha.

Michael:
Of course it is.

Michael Newman:
[after seeing his non-auto-pilot self yell at his father] You're pathetic.

Michael Newman:
[Morty reveals to Michael that he is an "angel of death" and that it was his father's time] You bastard. [loses control of his rage and tries to attack him, only to grab nothing and fall]