Codename: Kids Next Door

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr.:
HANG ON TO YOUR UNDERWEAR!

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
How come we don't ever get to fight "The Ice Cream Sandwich Monster"?

Abigail Lincoln Numbuh 5:
Yeah, or "The Creature With Lotsa Extra Cash".

Nigel Uno:
Kids Next Door, battle stations!

Numbuh 86:
Of all the stupid things in the stupid world of stupid people acting stupid, you boys are the stupidliest!

[Numbuh 5 and Cree are fighting]

Cree Lincoln:
Give it up, sis! You know I was the best fighter in the Kids Next Door!

Abigail Lincoln Numbuh 5:
That's right.

[Numbuh 5 flips Cree onto her back]

Abigail Lincoln Numbuh 5:
You *were* the best.

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
[Operation H.O.S.P.I.T.A.L] So, uh, Numbuh 3. You must really... like this guy, huh?

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
I don't like him Numbuh 4. I *love* him. [Numbuh 4 looks saddened]

Dr. Lincoln:
Abigail is sick. You know with the sneezing, and the boogers, and the tissues. Aw, you know what I'm talking about.

Dr. Lincoln:
You boys help yourselves to some delicious cookies. They got the chips and the nuts and the sugar and all that good stuff.

Dr. Lincoln:
These kids say the darndest things with the threats and the shouts and the...

Dr. Lincoln:
Well, well, if it isn't my oldest daughter. What are you...? P.U.! We'd better operate immediately...

[dialogue overlaps with:
]

Cree Lincoln:
No, it wasn't me...

Dr. Lincoln:
...to remove your sweat glands!

Cree Lincoln:
...it was those kids!

Stickybeard:
[to Numbuh 5] You have passion for the candy, lassie. What do you say you be my new first mate? Together, we'll sail the suburbs, robbing kids of their candy. And when me teeth are all fallen out, you'll inherit me vast candy fortune, and have all the candy for *200 miles*! And that's nautical miles, too, which I'm fairly certain is more than regular miles.

Abigail Lincoln Numbuh 5:
That's a lot of candy.

[She thinks about the candy possibilities, but then she remembers her friends]

Stickybeard:
So what do you say, lassie?

Abigail Lincoln Numbuh 5:
Thanks, Stickybun, but Numbuh 5's already got a sweet gig.

Stickybeard:
So your mind's made up, is it, lassie?

[Moments later, Numbuh 5 is standing on the edge of the plank]

Abigail Lincoln Numbuh 5:
Uh, how much candy were you offering again?

Destructo Dad:
Now, son, this is going to hurt me a lot more than it's going to hurt you! [He zaps Numbuh 2] Well, what do you know? That didn't hurt at all!

[Count Spankulot had just entered a house and spanked whom he thought were Mr. Fibb and Mr. Wink for attempting to destroy children's playgrounds everywhere, but he was mistaken; it's a judge and his wife]

Count Spankulot:
There! Let the achiness of your bottoms be a reminder of the power of Count Spank...

Judge:
You... you... you... you...!

Count Spankulot:
[shocked] Judge!

Judge:
How dare you come into my house and spank me and my wife!

Judge's Wife:
[rubbing her rear] Oh, my bottom. I can't feel my bottom.

Count Spankulot:
[stammering] But I thought I was helping children?

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
It's too quiet.

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
No, it's three quiet.

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
Three quiet? What the crud does that mean?

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
It's one more than too quiet.

Nigel Uno:
[to Lizzie, after her "Yes Dear" helmet explodes on his head] Don't ever put one of those on me again.

Nigel Uno:
[to the Delightful Children] Know this, Delightful Children: if you ever want to get your butts kicked, you know where to find the Kids Next Door!

Delightful Children From Down The Lane:
Father is most dissatisfied.

[later, beside Father's chair]

Father:
I am most dissatisfied.

Father:
At first those Kids Next Door were a minor nuisance. That is why I entrusted you with their destruction. But because of your failures, they constantly interfere with my schemes to have adults... rule the world! That angers me. I will no longer tolerate failure. Destroy the Kids Next Door... [flames up; screaming]... OR ELSE! [the Delightfuls don't move a muscle] Well... WHAT'RE YOU WAITING FOR!

Delightful Children From Down The Lane:
Can we borrow the really, really, incredibly, destructive machine? Pretty please?

Father:
Oh, okay, but I don't want so much as a *scratch* on it when you're done! Got that?

Numbuh 12:
[Operation S.L.U.M.B.E.R] Okay, Numbuh 3. Truth or dare?

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
Truth, silly.

Numbuh 12:
[Numbuh 12 and Numbuh 23 give each other a cunning look] Okay. Do you like... Numbuh 4?

[Numbuh 4, disguised as a girl, nearly chokes on his soda and coughs it out]

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
Of course I like Numbuh 4, we're in the same unit.

Numbuh 12:
[the same cunning looks] Nooo. Do you like like Numbuh 4?

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
You mean like, like-like, like-like?

Numbuh 12, Numbuh 23:
Yeah!

[giggles]

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
I... uh...

[her answer is disrupted by Numbuh 86's scream from the kitchen]

Numbuh 86:
[sadly, about Numbuh 12, who has just joined the teens] She was the closest thing to a friend I ever had.

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
Don't worry. *We're* your friends. [everyone else acts nonchalant] Well, *I'm* your friend.

Numbuh 5:
[to Numbuh 86] Go on an all-night mission with *you*? Sorry, but Numbuh 5 is gonna be busy *not* doing that.

Numbuh 86's Mom:
Don't just stand there, Fanny Pants. Let me take your picture! [camera flashes]

Numbuh 86:
[embarrassed] Mom!

Numbuh 4:
[laughing with amusement] Fanny?

Numbuh 86's Mom:
Oh, she may not like me to call her that now that she's a big girl, but even if she's a big Fanny now, she'll always be little Fanny to me. [Numbuh 86 scowls and the other girls snicker]

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr., Abigail Lincoln Numbuh 5:
Wally and Kuki, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
They've made this *personal* by taking Numbuh 3!

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
Hey you stupid knights in stupid, stupid armor! Give me back Numbuh 3, or else!

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr.:
[to Numbuh 5 after Numbuh 4 went into the sandcastle by catapult] So, uh, you next?

Abigail Lincoln Numbuh 5:
Are you *nuts*? I'm going through the front door.

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr.:
[Follows her] Eh, works for me.

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
Kuki, your not gonna marry that dork are you?

Kuki Sanban:
Of course not! We're just pretending.

King Sandy:
Pretending? The king does not pretend. The king *never* pretends.

Kuki Sanban:
What are you, nuts? I can't get married for real. I'm like 10 years old!

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr., Abigail Lincoln Numbuh 5:
[in unison] Wally and Kuki, sitting in a tree: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr.:
[crossly] Have fun, old friend.

Nigel Uno:
Huh? Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
[sobbing] Good bye Numbah One!

[continues sobbing]

Abigail Lincoln Numbuh 5:
Hold up! So, we made you go to the stupid beach. That's not bad for you to just quit.

Nigel Uno:
[sadly] This is a private matter, Numbuh Five. I'm sorry.

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
Dude! You can't just quit!

Nigel Uno:
[sadly] Watch me.

[Doors shut, sad music plays]

Father:
[Feeling dejected] I may be evil, but that doesn't mean I don't like to party down once in a while.

Father:
So, the Kids Next Door thought they could get their snot-encrusted hands on my Delightful Children's cake by sending a couple of girls.

Numbuh 19th Century:
[indignant] My good man, are you insinuating that I am a sissy girl like her?

Numbuh 86:
[leaps at Numbuh 19th Century and starts beating him up] I'll show you a sissy girl, you Oliver Twist reject!

Father:
Only in the cold of space could I construct the largest ice cream cake ever for my Delightful Children.

Numbuh 19th Century:
Cake and ice cream... together? That's not possible! Insanity! [he walks off muttering to himself]

Father:
[whispering to Numbuh 86] This kid doesn't get out much, does he?

Numbuh 86:
He's from the 19th century.

Father:
Get outta here!

Numbuh 86:
No, really! He's, like, never seen cars and stuff. Go on, ask him something.

Father:
Say, 19th century kid, you wanna watch a cartoon on the television?

Numbuh 19th Century:
What is a cartoon, and what is this thing you call television? [Father and Numbuh 86 burst out laughing]

Numbuh 5:
[having found Numbuh 86 and Numbuh 19th Century kissing] Fanny and Fancy Pants sitting in a tree! [Numbuh 86's eyes snap open and, horrified, she quickly shoves a bewildered Numbuh 19th Century off the bench they were on]

Numbuh 19th Century:
[Numbuh 86 has just saved Numbuh 19th Century from falling] Awfully forward for a lady to touch a young man's hand, you know.

Numbuh 86:
Put a sock in it before I decide to drop you!

Numbuh 5:
[talking on a communicator; she, Numbuh 3, Numbuh 86 and Numbuh 19th Century are in a room where the floor is made of cake] Come in, Numbuh 2. We need a way out of here now!

Numbuh 2:
On it! I'm checking blueprints now. Found it. It looks like you guys are directly above me. Stop where you are and lick the floor.

Numbuh 19th Century:
Doesn't that seem a trifle unhygeist?

Numbuh 5:
[grabbing Numbuh 19th Century and throwing him onto the floor] Shut up and lick!

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr.:
You better save some room, Delightful Dorks, 'cause you're gonna eat your words along with that cake!

Nigel Uno:
Um... we don't let them eat the cake.

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr.:
Oh... uh, provided we let you eat the cake, which we're not gonna do!

Abigail Lincoln Numbuh 5:
[sympathetically] Man, you need to work on that.

Nigel Uno:
[after hearing Numbuh 2's idea] That... is... *brilliant*!

Nigel Uno:
[next scene, eggs are in his room] This... is... *stupid*! You put a kajillion eggs in my room?

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr.:
Well, I wasn't gonna put them in *my* room.

Numbuh 2:
Heeey, Numbuh 5, who's your friend? Ooh, what a fox! [Numbuh 2 is referring to a girl who bears an uncanny resemblance to Heinrich]

Numbuh 5:
This is Henrietta von Marzipan. She's an old friend of mine.

Henrietta Von Marzipan:
I must now go to help undo the wrongs I have done. Thanks for not giving up on me, Abigail. Until we meet again! Auf wiedersehen!

Numbuh 5:
Be good, Heiney! [realization finally hits Numbuhs 1, 2 and 3 and they gag in disgust]

Numbuh 3:
Life is misery.

Numbuh 3:
[when it seems that Numbuh 1 is permanently ape-ified] Now Numbuh 1 will be like that forever and we'll never know the code!

Numbuh 2:
I don't get it. What's so important about this dumb code?

Numbuh 86:
What's so important? The Rainbow Monkey Corporation is having a contest, and whoever breaks the Super-Happy Code of Sharing wins a free... keychain!

Numbuh 1:
[furious] A keychain? You mean to tell me that I risked my life, endangered my team, and spent valuable Kids Next Door resources so you could win a stupid keychain? Being a Kids Next Door operative is serious business! It's not a stupid keychain hunt! I mean... [Numbuh 2, Numbuh 3, Numbuh 4 and Numbuh 5 hug him, glad that he's back to normal]

[the kids are in an underground cavern that's flooding with milk]

Nigel Uno:
Uh, is anyone here allergic to milk?

Abigail Lincoln Numbuh 5:
No, but Number 5 IS allergic to drowning!

Numbuh 1:
[about being the Supreme Leader of the Kids Next Door] Some people like Numbuh 100, Numbuh 274, like you, were made for this job. You're smart, organized, and you know just when it's time to take a cookie break. Sure it's hard, but I'll bet that's what makes it exciting for you. I'd hate to see you give that up.

Numbuh 362:
Thanks Nigel, but no thanks. I think I'm done.

Numbuh 362:
[Numbuh 1 and Numbuh 362 are trying to reach Father, but are stopped by a wall of broccoli] One... way... into... room... [she begins eating through the broccoli, much to Numbuh 1's revulsion]

Numbuh 1:
Rachel! No! It's suicide! Oh, at least put some cheese on it!

Windsor:
Moosk was the star accountant at my daddy's firm for years. After he rejected the tie, our company's stock plunged. Daddy was beside himself. He couldn't ever get close enough to Moosk to get him back... but I could.

Windsor:
Daddy says he needs his budget reports ASAP so you'll have to work all night... again! And straighten that tie, mister!

Numbuh 5:
There's just one thing. If Heinrich took the seed, what'd he do with it? [sudden cut to Heinrich]

Heinrich Von Marzipan:
I ate it!

Numbuh 5:
Hey, Heiney.

Heinrich Von Marzipan:
Abigail, I... never got ein chance to thank you for saving me.

Numbuh 5:
Aw, that's cool. Maybe this makes us even for Guatemala?

Heinrich Von Marzipan:
Not even close! Not even if you saved mein life two thousand times, I...

Numbuh 5:
Chill out, man. Numbuh 5 was just kidding. Besides, you can thank me once we get back.

Heinrich Von Marzipan:
Uh, back where? [Later, at the Arctic Prison, Numbuh 5 closes the door to Heinrich's cell] Very funny, Abigail Lincoln! I'll get out, und I'll finally have mein revenge on you, Abigail!

King Sandy, Knight #2:
[King Sandy] THE KING DOES NOT PRETEND!

Mushi Sanban:
What do you mean, you're not pretending? She can't get married for real. She's like ten years old!

King Sandy, Knight #2:
Argh! That's it! That's it! That's it! KNIGHTS! Throw this wedding crasher into the dungeons *forever*!

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr.:
Man, that King Sandy's got weird taste in girls.

[Numbah 3 hits him with her weapon as the screen goes black]

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr.:
Ow!

[Numbah 2 is hit again]

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr.:
Ow! What'd YOU hit me for?

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
Nothin'.

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr.:
[in a detective narrative] I was in my office enjoying a delicious slice of Nurse Claiborne's apple crumble when *she* came in. Her voice was like a thousand violins...

Numbuh 86:
[screeching] Hoagie Gilligan!

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr.:
...Being played by a monkey.

Heinrich Von Marzipan:
Ach, liebchen, I say so many things I do not mean. Like 'No more gumdrops for me' or [singsong voice] 'Who would like some of mein lollipops?'

Heinrich Von Marzipan:
You know, all of mein life it has been mein dream to make zee chocolate bunnies out of zee real bunnies. But never once did I think to make zee chocolate Kids Next Door operatives!

Numbuh 5:
Numbuh 2, if we don't get that rabbit back, those first graders won't survive until their parents pick them up. Now, are you ready?

Numbuh 2:
Pfft. Ready for lunch. [Numbuh 5 glares at him] Joking, I'm joking!

Numbuh 5:
Dipping bunnies in a chocolate volcano? Heiney's gone cocoa crazy! We're gonna need a plan.

Numbuh 2:
I got a plan.

Numbuh 5:
Good idea. You go distract Heinrich, and I'll grab the rabbit!

Numbuh 2:
Distract? Huh, I'm going in for some of that chocolate.

Numbuh 86:
These two are going on an all-expense-paid trip to Kids Next Door Arctic Prison. Contact your travel agent or commit high treason if you'd like to join them!

Nigel Uno:
This cake is going to be shared by everyone, except you brats.

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
Everyone? Even my sister?

Nigel Uno:
Yes, even your sister.

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
And Lizzie?

Nigel Uno:
YES, LIZZIE! Do you mind Numbuh 3, I am in the middle of something here.

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
Okay, go ahead!

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
Target sighted. Hi, target!

Numbuh 4:
Go in *there*? No way!

Numbuh 2:
Yeah. That doghouse is haunted! They say you can hear the ghosts of dogs howling in there at night!

Numbuh 5:
Who is they? [Numbuh 2 and Numbuh 4 point at each other] Figures.

Numbuh 4:
Hey, Numbuh 5! I think I figured out what year the War of 1812 was!

[Numbuh 1 and Tommy are riding Tommy's rocket to the moon]

Nigel Uno:
What was that?

Tommy Gilligan:
Um... remember those design flaws I mentioned?

Nigel Uno:
Ye-e-e-es?

Tommy Gilligan:
I... never designed a braking system.

Trevor:
You're never careful with your books! Always eating kippers while you're reading and mucking them all up!

Numbuh 1:
[the Kids Next Door are investigating a crash at a seaside location; while Numbuh 1 is taking it seriously, the others are acting like they're at the beach] Aren't you guys forgetting something?

Numbuh 3:
Oh, yeah. Sunblock!

Numbuh 1:
[sarcastically, not knowing that Numbuh 86 has just arrived and is walking up behind him] That's just great! Go ahead. Put on sunblock! Let's soak up some rays. Oh, hey! I've got an idea! Let's completely forget about investigating this stupid crash and go frolicking in the ocean instead. Ooh! Maybe afterwards we can go and get some yummy funnel cakes and pizza on the boardwalk!

Numbuh 86:
What? Funnel cakes and pizzas?

Numbuh 1:
N-n-no, 86, n-n-no, no sir - uh, I mean ma'am, sir. I... I mean, I... I... I thought...

Numbuh 86:
Thinking is what you boys never do!

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
That's it! We'll build a giant clam cannon!

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
Where are our super powered anti-adult air attack missiles?

[Numbah 3 has a tea party with the missiles all dressed up]

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
Ahem. More tea, Mrs. Missile?

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
[facing an ice cream monster] Hey, Frosty! Come get a lickin'.

Delightful Children From Down The Lane:
A heater? WHO PUTS A HEATER IN AN ICE CREAM FACTORY?

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
Toys? I don't want toys...

[shouts]

Numbuh 3 Kiki Sanban:
I want revenge!

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
Ah, gotta keep cool, nothings gonna happen, I'm cool, I'm cool; I'm ice, baby, no cruddy lice gonna sneak up on me, no sir, lice don't sneak up on ice, it ain't nice for lice to sneak up on ice; those lice better think twice 'cause it's... it's no dice for those lice, no dice or ice, so take my advice, you cruddy lice, I am not nice.

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
Their power levels are off the charts! I'm gonna have to get some bigger charts!

Nigel Uno:
We can't leave Numbuh 5's side for a minute. [pause]

Numbuh 2 Hoagie P. Gilliam Jr.:
I'm hungry!

Nigel Uno:
Let's go get some of Mr. Lincoln's cookies!

Cree Lincoln:
[Cree has just walked into her room to find Numbuh 1 and Numbuh 2 trying on her bras, which they believe are weapons to be used against the Kids Next Door] Are you crazy?

Nigel Uno:
What's the matter, teenager? Afraid we'll put your bras to better use? [Cree gapes in shock and confusion]

Wallabee Beatles Numbuh 4:
If we're movin' up to duckies, I'm gonna need a soda!