Comedy Central Presents: The N.Y. Friars Club Roast of Jerry Stiller

Jeffrey Ross:
I wouldn't f*** Sandra Bernhardt with Bea Arthur's dick.

Jeffrey Ross:
Folks, Jerry Stiller has the face of a star and that star is Lassie!

Jeffrey Ross:
Jerry Seinfeld couldn't be here tonight. He had a prior engagement to f*** a model on a pile of cash.

Jeffrey Ross:
[to Janeane Garofalo] What was that movie you made with Ben, "Mystery Men"? That movie was so bad, I fired my agent! Gene Siskel was going to review that movie, but he took the easy way out!

Jeffrey Ross:
As you can see, the rest of the cast of "Seinfeld" couldn't be here tonight. Apparently, they broke their backs carrying Jerry Seinfeld for eight years.

Susie Essman:
Maury Povich is here. You know Maury, I've always wondered why you married Connie Chung and then I realized, we all know Jews love to eat Chinese!