Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers

Brad Garrett:
Joan's face has been on more red carpets than an Irish lesbian!

Joan Rivers:
[to Tom Arnold] You were in Betty Ford more times than Gerald was!

Kathy Griffin:
When Joan was born, the doctors took a look at her and said, "Holy sh*t, we're gonna make a fortune on this one!" Then they got on the Mayflower and set sail for America.

Greg Giraldo:
Mario Cantone is here. Mario, you are one tiny loudmouth fairy. You're the only guy who takes a stepladder into a glory hole. Your father must have been devastated when you came out of the cupboard.

Greg Giraldo:
Joan, you are one irritating Jew-broad. The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.

Tom Arnold:
Look out, it's Tyler Perry! Oh no, Robin, I apologize...

Jeffrey Ross:
Who's your plastic surgeon, Tim Burton? Oh my God, Kanye's mom had a better plastic surgeon...

Jeffrey Ross:
I heard recently Joan had a tummy tuck, and they put the rest of the skin on Kathy Griffin's face. Wow, look at that. When did Howdy Doody f*** Pippi Longstocking? Holy sh*t, Kathy Griffin, I wouldn't f*** you with Chastity Bono's new dick.

Jeffrey Ross:
I see the great Carl Reiner is here. This is so cool man. Carl, seriously, congrats on being on color TV for the first time.

Whitney Cummings:
Robin's f***ed so many white guys, Abecrombie and Fitch took out ad space on her taint. Robin's vagina is like the first five minutes of a movie: It's never been seen by a black guy. Robin Quivers has slept with so many white guys, her hymen hasn't even broken yet. Robin's been hammered so hard, her vagina looks like Seal's face.

Gilbert Gottfried:
Now it's great to see Robin Quivers. Anyone who has seen the Howard Stern show has heard Robin talk about being molested by her father. She won't shut up about it. She's very proud of it. But what Robin Quivers conveniently leaves out of her delightful anecdote is that even as a kid, she was so ugly that her father would close his eyes and fantasize about her sister, who was no looker herself, I may add. And when he was done pillaging that only daughter, he used to whisper "don't tell anyone" because he was embarrassed. Oh, that shame that that poor man must have felt, having to hide the fact that his molestation standards were so low!

Whitney Cummings:
Joan, I loved you in The Wrestler. Man, look at Joan; I always wanted to know what Ivana Trump would like if she was dating Chris Brown.

Jeffrey Ross:
Joan Rivers is so old, if you Google her, you can find her on Craig's *and* Schindler's lists.

Brad Garrett:
The only reason Robin Quivers is here tonight is because sooner or later, one of us is going to need tone down service. All she does in Howard Stern's show is interrupt people funnier who are than her; I mean come on, if I want to hear a black woman step on a laugh, I'll go see The Hangover at a Magic Johnson theater.

Robin Quivers:
Mario Cantone is so gay, he has to give himself a Brazilian wax to remove the pubes in his teeth.

Robin Quivers:
What do you call a woman who's broken down barriers for female comics? A comedienne who's entertained us and our families on TV for years? What do you call an icon, a beloved icon, that's part of the fabric of this country? You call her Carol Burnett. But we love you anyway, Joan! Good night!

Greg Giraldo:
What a night? A couple of trolls,

[Gilbert Gottfried]

Greg Giraldo:
a fairy,

[Mario Cantone]

Greg Giraldo:
and a giant

[Brad Garrett]

Greg Giraldo:
all going after a sunken-eyed little monster who's obsessed with jewelry.

[Joan Rivers]

Greg Giraldo:
It's like "The Lord of the Rings".