Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy

Jeff Foxworthy:
People always ask me if I've seen Larry's latest movie, and I say "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet to get the feeling I have."

Jeff Foxworthy:
I've found the best way to enjoy Larry's movies is to never put them in the DVD player.

[about Gary Busey]

Jeffrey Ross:
I love you, Gary. You're like Mickey Rourke without the comeback.

Toby Keith:
Larry's book was groundbreaking. It was the first book that liberals agreed it was okay to burn.

Nick DiPaolo:
What can you say about a guy who looks like Brett Favre, sounds like Gomer Pyle and dresses like Ellen DeGeneres?

Larry The Cable Guy:
I gotta tell ya, everyone here sucks so bad I think I'm gonna give 'em all a part in my next movie.

[about Lisa Lampanelli]

Warren Sapp:
Lisa's vagina is called "The Limo," 'cause it fits eight, has a leather interior, and I came in it tonight.

Jeffrey Ross:
Ask not what your country can git-r-done for you, ask how this hillbilly moron made $30 million last year!

Nick DiPaolo:
Maureen McCormack. Do you know how many times I masturbated to you during the closing credits of the Brady Bunch? To this day, I can't play tic-tac-toe without getting a hard-on. "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" That wasn't Jan, that was me in the shower at age 12 with a hand full of Prell.

Toby Keith:
[From preview] Larry's book, "Git R Done", was groundbreaking. Yeah, it was the first book liberals agreed it was okay to burn.

Warren Sapp:
If your family tree has a noose hanging from it, you might be a redneck.

Jeff Foxworthy:
I had a chance to be in "Delta Farce", but I didn't do it because I read the script.

Jeff Foxworthy:
Larry is happily married. She's miserable, but he's happy.

Nick DiPaolo:
Jeff Foxworthy. That moustache makes you look like a pedophile. Your show should be renamed "Are You *Tighter* Than a Fifth Grader?".

[laughter]

Lisa Lampanelli:
The only way this night can get any uglier is if we invited John McCain's nutsack.

Toby Keith:
You don't see too many people dress like Larry, except when it's Lesbo Bowling Night at Hollywood Lanes.

Warren Sapp:
Say what you want, Greg Giraldo is the real cable guy. 'Cause nobody's ever seen him on a network.

Toby Keith:
Maureen used to hear voices in her head when she was high. Too bad none of them was an acting coach. Her country music career was such a tragic event, I could've written three albums about it. Her music was so bad, I forgave the Dixie Chicks.

Jeff Foxworthy:
[Referring to Bill Engvall sending in a tape instead of actually appearing] I'd like to thank Bill Engvall for mailing it in. Larry, that ought to keep you humble. Engvall, the guy who would show up for the grand opening of a laundromat, had something better to do tonight.

Lisa Lampanelli:
But come on, Larry. Haven't you milked this "Git-R-Done" thing long enough? You've beaten that concept so hard, it's now dating Chris Brown.

Greg Giraldo:
Lisa actually has a lot in common with that Octomom, that woman that gave birth to all those babies. She's never given birth, but she has had 80 fingers inside her at the same time.

Nick DiPaolo:
I saw Warren on Dancing with the Stars. It was like watching a leather couch during an earthquake.

Nick DiPaolo:
I saw Larry backstage, he had a long face and was sniffing his fingers. I asked him what was the matter and he said, "I miss my family."

Nick DiPaolo:
I heard Warren's agent on the phone backstage negotiating his contract for the roast. I actually heard his agent say this, "No, no no, I said 45 acres and three mules!"

Nick DiPaolo:
Of course, we all know Larry's real name is Dan Whitney, but he had to change it because it had the word "Wit" in it!