Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner

Lisa Lampanelli:
Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.

Betty White:
Ya know, I've been a huge trekkie ever since the show first aired. That's why I'm so thrilled to see Nichelle and George Takei here tonight because, let's face it. We all know Shatner's nuts, but George has actually tasted them!

[imitating Shatner, after the Kirk/Uhura kiss]

Nichelle Nichols:
Sulu... used... more tongue!

Lisa Lampanelli:
Betty White is so old, that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire.

Jason Alexander:
[Introducing William Shatner]... because that's the actual Captain's chair from the bridge of Starship Enterprise, and there's only one ass big enough to fill it... Ladies and Gentleman... Mr William Shatner!

Betty White:
Isn't this just wonderful, I mean, all you youngsters getting together to tell naughty jokes? Ah, it's like the great roasts I went to in the good ol' days. Of course, you wouldn't of been allowed in, Nichelle, sorry.

Betty White:
I caught the bouquet at Bill's wedding. And I hope I'm still around to catch the cock ring at Sulu's!

George Takei:
My name is George Takei, not Takai, like you've insisted on pronouncing it for the last 40 years! Remember: Takei, like in "toupee." Your hair is like my men; every year, it gets darker and thicker. All night long, I've had to stare at that tangled, sticky, messy clump of fur. Farrah, please close your legs! At least Betty White had the decency to shave. Bill is a generous actor. He gave Nichelle Nichols herpes! If Arty's my cuddly muffin, Bill, you are a rich, gooey devil's food cake that I want to drop my face into and go BBBBBBBBBB!

Lisa Lampanelli:
William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. Fortunately, if you're neither, f*** it, you can still be on Comedy Central.

Betty White:
[to Farrah Fawcett] Right now I'm in my 80's, which is funny, because that's the last decade you mattered in.

[having his ear licked by Andy Dick]

Patton Oswalt:
Oh, Jesus Christ!

[Dick sits down, and Oswalt waves to his crotch]

Patton Oswalt:
Bye-bye, erection!

[after poor audience response to a joke about Farrah Fawcett]

Jeffrey Ross:
What the f***? It's a roast!

Betty White:
Artie Lange. He makes me laugh every time I see him, knowing I'm going to outlive him.

George Takei:
[to William Shatner] So, despite our tensions, I'm honored you invited me to be here tonight. I can finally say what I've waited 40 years to say. F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Greg Giraldo:
Then, there was T.J. Hooker. The only thing I remember about that show was your hair and that hot chick, what's her face? Adrian Zmed. What happened to her?

Himself - Roaster:
[to Shatner] Look at you. You let yourself "boldly go." When did you go from Captain Kirk to Captain Crunch? You left T.J. Hooker and went to P.F. Chang's. Are you at Boston Public or Boston Market?

George Takei:
Farrah Fawcett, Betty White, Lisa Lampanelli, it smells like p*ssy in here... I think.

Patton Oswalt:
Lisa Lampanelli has f***ed more black men than the Tuskeegee experiments.

Betty White:
I once had sex with William Shatner. I remember he was up on top of me, huffing anf puffing and I'm like "You'd better wrap it up, Bill, the Roast is going to start any minute."

Himself - Roaster:
A lot of people might say "Art, why hit Janeane? She's not here to defend herself." And the answer is simple; I've met Janeane Garofalo and she's a f***ing c*nt.