Coming to America

Prince Akeem:
Is it just me, or does every woman in Queens have some kind of an emotional problem?

Randy Watson:
Let's hear for my band, Sexual Chocolate.

Rev. Brown:
He helped Joshua fight the battle of Jericho, he helped Daniel get out the lion's den, he helped Gilligan get off the island.

Rev. Brown:
If lovin' the lord is wrong, I don't want to be right.

King Jaffe Joffer:
So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.

Prince Akeem:
Listen, I know what I like, and I know you know what I like, because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know, what do you like?

Reverend Brown:
Girl, you look so good, someone ought to put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit.

Cleo:
I don't know whether to shake your hand, or kiss it, or bow, or what.

Cleo:
I feel like breakdancing.

Saul:
Goddammit. If a man wants to call himself Muhammed Ali, I say Muhammed Ali.

Clarence:
Mama call him Clay - I call him Clay. Cassius Clay.

Cleo:
And when I say the boy has his own money, I mean THE BOY HAS HIS OWN MONEY.

Maurice:
Oh yeah, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. Then I moved up to washing lettuces. Now, I'm working the fat fryer. Pretty soon I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in.

Cab Driver:
This shitty enough for ya?

Prince Akeem:
Yes, this will be fine.

Clarence:
I met Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. one time.

Sweets:
Man, you lyin'. You ain't never met no Martin Luther the King.

Prince Akeem:
But when I marry, I want the woman to love me for who I am, not because of what I am.

King Jaffe Joffer:
And who are you?

Prince Akeem:
I am a man who has never tied his own shoes.

King Jaffe Joffer:
Wrong. You are a PRINCE who has never tied his own shoes. I tied my own shoes once. It is an overrated experience.

King Jaffe Joffer:
Time does fly fast, my son. It seems only yesterday I ordered your first diaper changed. Now you're a man about to be married. She will give you much pleasure, don't you think?

Prince Akeem:
I'm not sure if I'm ready.

King Jaffe Joffer:
Son, I know we never talked about this. I always assumed you had sex with your bathers. I know I do.

Prince Akeem:
Fascinating. Semmi, look at this. America is great indeed. Imagine a country so free, you can throw out broken glass on the streets.

Landlord:
All right, here we are. There's only one bathroom on this floor, so you're going to have to share it. We got an insect problem, but you boys from Africa are used to that. And another thing, don't use the elevator. It's a death trap. This is the place I was telling you about. It's real f***ed up. Got just one window facing a brick wall. Used to rent it to a blind man... damn shame what they did to that dog.

Cleo McDowell:
Look... me and the McDonald's people got this little misunderstanding. See, they're McDonald's... I'm McDowell's. They got the Golden Arches, mine is the Golden Arcs. They got the Big Mac, I got the Big Mick. We both got two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions, but their buns have sesame seeds. My buns have no seeds.

Prince Akeem:
I am Akeem.

Lisa McDowell:
It's nice to meet you, Akeem.

Prince Akeem:
I have recently been placed in charge of garbage. Do you have any that needs to be disposed of?

Lisa McDowell:
No. It's totally empty.

Prince Akeem:
When it fills up, call me. I will take it out most urgently.

Lisa McDowell:
That's good to know.

Prince Akeem:
When you think of garbage, think of Akeem.

King Jaffe Joffer:
It is of no consequence to me.

King Jaffe Joffer:
I am looking for my son Akeem.

Prince Akeem:
So, you would share your bed, and your fortune, with a beautiful fool?

Semmi:
That is the way it has always been with men of power. It is tradition.

Semmi:
Now let's see if you can defend yourself, you sweat from a baboon's balls.

Semmi:
Apparently these are the best women Queens has to offer. Pick one and let's go home.

Semmi:
But where in New York can one find a woman with grace, elegance, taste and culture? A woman suitable for a king.

Prince Akeem:

Prince Akeem:
But how can a man get excited about a woman he's never seen?

Prince Akeem:
But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend.

Prince Akeem:
No journey is too great, when one finds what he seeks.

Prince Akeem:
Sir, I was wondering, did you catch the professional football contest on television last night?

Cleo McDowell:
No, I didn't.

Prince Akeem:
Oh, it was a most amazing game. The Giants of New York took on the Packers of Green Bay. The Giants triumphed by kicking a pigskin ball through a big "H". A most ripping victory.

Cleo McDowell:
Son... I'm just going to tell you this one time. If you want to keep working here, stay off the drugs.

Telegraph Lady:
You actually want to send this?

Semmi:
Why? What is wrong? Read it to me.

Telegraph Lady:
To His Majesty, King Jaffe Joffer, The Royal Palace, Zamunda. Sire, Akeem and I have depleted our funds. Kindly send 300, 000 American dollars immediately, as we are in dire straits. Your humble servant, Semmi.

Semmi:
Semmi

Telegraph Lady:
Semmi

Semmi:
Should I make it 400,000?

Telegraph Lady:
You think that'd be enough?

Semmi:
You are right. 500,000.

Telegraph Lady:
As long as you're asking, why not go for a cool million?

Semmi:
You do not think that would be too much?

Telegraph Lady:
Naah.

King Jaffe Joffer:
Semmi, you have disgraced yourself, and you must be punished. Confine yourself to our royal suite at the Waldorf-Astoria.

King Jaffe Joffer:
And see that he puts on some decent attire.

King Jaffe Joffer:
And I want you to bathe him thoroughly.

Semmi:
Oh, thank you, Your Majesty.

Cleo McDowell:
A prince. He's a prince. Oh, Lisa, you did it this time. You hit the jackpot. Your little goat herder makes Darryl look like a welfare case.

King Jaffe Joffer:
Our son cannot consort with such a girl.

Cleo McDowell:
Wait a minute.

King Jaffe Joffer:
I know you have been inconvenienced. I am prepared to compensate you. Shall we say one million American dollars?

Cleo McDowell:
No way.

King Jaffe Joffer:
Very well then. Two million.

Cleo McDowell:
You can't buy my daughter off.

King Jaffe Joffer:
Nonsense.

Queen Aoleon:
Jaffe, apologize to Mr. McDowell.

King Jaffe Joffer:
I will do no such thing. The man is beneath me and so is his daughter.

Cleo McDowell:
I don't care who you are. This is America, Jack. Say another word about Lisa, and I'll break my foot off in your royal ass.

Prince Akeem:
Good morning, my neighbors.

Prince Akeem:
Yes. Yes. F*** you, too.

Semmi:
I haven't had sex since I got to America.

King Jaffe Joffer:
You're not Akeem.

Landlord:
I know that.

King Jaffe Joffer:
What's this?

Landlord:
A photograph.

King Jaffe Joffer:
What is this? McDowell's?

Landlord:
It's a place on Queens Boulevard. I think he works there.

King Jaffe Joffer:
My son works.

Clarence:
Oh there they go. There they go, every time I start talkin 'bout boxing, a white man got to pull Rocky Marciano out their ass. That's their one, that's their one. Rocky Marciano. Rocky Marciano. Let me tell you something once and for all. Rocky Marciano was good, but compared to Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano ain't sh*t.

King Jaffe Joffer:
Leave him to me. I will deal with him myself.

Cleo McDowell:
You know how to mop don't you?

Prince Akeem:
Oh yes.

Cleo McDowell:
Don't use the bucket. It'll just confuse you.

Landlord:
Okay, now what the F*** do you want?

Prince Akeem:
We desire a room.

Landlord:
Look, you better not be wasting my time. You got money?

Landlord:
Come on in, gentlemen.

Landlord:
Hey Stu, your rent's due, motherf***er! Now don't be pulling that falling down the stairs sh*t on me again, you hear! Now you conscious! Every month, the same damn thang.

Prince Akeem:
What's a dumb-f***?

Prince Akeem:
What does dumb f*** mean?

Saul:
"This is beautiful, what is that? Velvet?