Craig Ferguson: A Wee Bit o' Revolution

[at a Deep Purple concert as a teen, having blacked out after taking a "hit" of chloroform]

Craig Ferguson:
I woke up to Ritchie Blackmore saying "good night, everybody!" I missed the whole bloody concert!

Craig Ferguson:
My mother would always say "I'm not an Octopus, i can't do 8 things at once." Think about it. Octopuses can't do 8 things at once. Octopuses cant' breath above water...

Craig Ferguson:
[Talking about his first visit to America, and all the colors in America] Where I come from "damp" is a f***in' color!

Craig Ferguson:
It was explained to me in rehab, the difference between an alcoholic and a junkie was this: An alcoholic will steal your purse, to buy alcohol, and then be consumed with guilt and remorse and drink themselves to death over it. A junkie will steal your purse, and then help ya look for it.

Craig Ferguson:
So I got this job on The Drew Carey Show, and things started looking up. I made a little money, and I bought a car, and I got a house, and I met a girl, and I fell in love, and we got married, and we got divorced... It's the American Dream!

Craig Ferguson:
The Jewish relatives would fight with the Scottish relatives over who gets to pay for the wedding...

[laughs] That's the funniest f***ing thing I've ever said!

Craig Ferguson:
[about his wedding to a Jewish girl] The Jewish tradition of dancing with the bride and groom on their shoulders clashes with the Scottish tradition of no underwear under the kilt. It was particularly embarrassing for me because I've got a huge cock! [Audience laughter] It's a medical condition! [to audience member] You can't tell in these pants, I can feel your eyes boring into me! I had them made in Vegas, there's a secret compartment... I could have a white tiger in here... and in a way I do.

Craig Ferguson:
Alright, alright, that's enough cock.

Audience Member:
No!

Craig Ferguson:
[laughs] Yeah... it's not a phrase you hear often is it? 'Well, that's enough cock, what do you want to do now?' '... More cock?' 'Sure!'

Craig Ferguson:
I know there's grey in my hair, I can see it. But the grey's started sneaking into my chest. You know what's next! I don't need to be distinguished down there! I don't want a wise old cock!