Crossing Jordan

[Jordan is banging computer keys in frustration]

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Please evacuate the keyboard area.

[writing on a paper in Bug's apartment]

Bug:
I don't belong.

[when asked why he became an ME]

Bug:
I wanted to be a children doctor but little kids hated me.

Det. Cruz:
You and I are on the same street, you know. Just different sides.

Jordan:
That doesn't make us pals. So far - not a big fan.

Det. Cruz:
Don't worry. I grow on people.

Jordan:
So does fungus.

Jordan:
[to Garret] It's like you always tell me. The dead bodies are easy. It's the alive ones that get more complicated.

Susan:
[to Det. Cruz] What, are you playing bad cop?

Woody:
No, he's not playing. He just is... bad.

Woody:
Stay in the car.

Jordan:
What exactly in our past makes you think I'll do that?

Macy:
Nobody knows what kind of parent they'd make until it's too late to back out.

Macy:
We should all sort out our personal demons before having children.

Det. Cruz:
Should I take this to Macy?

Jordan:
You can take this to the Pope for all I care.

Max:
There's this new thing they got called the classifieds. You should check them out. They actually have places to live in.

Jordan:
Exhibit A. I can barely take care of a house plant much less a place of my own.

Jordan:
I had this guy's brain in my hand, so I couldn't very well punch him, right?

Macy:
Why would you want to have sex six times in one day? I mean, come on, we're people not Bunnies.

Lily:
Dr.Macy said Bunnies.

Bug:
You might want to tread lightly, Lily.

Lily:
I tried that. Now I'm strapping on the stilettos.

Jordan:
Traffic control command center has cameras all over the city, right?

Detective Carver:
Most of the sections, yeah.

Jordan:
I know 'cause I keep getting sent pictures of myself running red lights.

Jordan:
The moon's in uranus.

Woody:
Excuse me.

Jordan:
No, no. I watched you turn this morgue from a place we all love into an anal retentive dictator ship. You're an obsessive compulsive android with a Napoleon complex.

Jordan:
You're not really going to put me on that leash are you?

Macy:
You'd just chew through it.

Jordan:
Garret Macy. Are you actually telling me to keep crusading?

Macy:
As if you would ever do what I tell you to do.

Reporter:
The way I see it you and I are on the same team here. The only difference is you're looking for a cause of death and I'm looking for a by-line.

Jordan:
You keep following me you'll be looking for a hospital.

Jordan:
Garret, have you gotten any recently?

Macy:
Pardon me?

Jordan:
You heard me. How long has it been?

Macy:
We are not having this conversation.

Max:
Tough age seventeen. They're right on the brink of being able to tell you to shove it and they know it.

Macy:
That's right. Jordan must have been a handful at that age.

Max:
With Jordan this stage started at eleven.

Macy:
And when did it end?

Max:
I'm still waiting.

Det. Winslow:
You looked good holding that baby, maybe you should think about popping one out.

Jordan:
Yeah, or maybe I should pop my foot up your ass.

Mr. Hummer:
He will be preserved until his condition is reversible.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
His condition is dead.

Mr. Hummer:
Man, you people are like a broken record.

Jordan:
Is this the part where I'm supposed to apologize too?

Garrett:
Didn't want to ask the impossible.

Elaine:
[talking about Jordan] Garret, I'm serious. She is impossible to work with.

Macy:
Here's a tip. It's easier if you don't listen when she talks.

Woody:
It's Jordan, isn't it? This trial would be over by now if she wasn't in there poking holes.

Macy:
That'd be my guess.

Woody:
Jordan being Jordan.

Macy:
Jordan, next time you're called for jury duty let your shrink know. I'm sure there's a reason you should be excused.

Jordan:
Wow. Did you mean to call me a nut job or are you just crabby?

Jordan:
I have so much energy.

Macy:
Yeah, I can tell. Read your autopsy report. 12 pages to tell us she was hit in the back of the head with an unidentifiable object.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
So if I killed my husband, where would I stash the body?

Jordan:
If you killed your husband you'd have to start in the closet.

Jordan:
Hey, you think the gift shop sells mittens?

Macy:
I thought you were done complaining.

Jordan:
As soon as I'm done freezing!

Woody:
What do we got?

Garrett:
Well, since they called for a medical examiner and homicide detective, my guess is a body.

Woody:
Is sarcasm a prerequisite for being an ME?

Garrett:
It helps.

Woody:
The nun had a baby? How could that be?

Jordan:
She's a woman first, nun second.

Jordan:
He's lucky I didn't kick him in the nuts. What? It wouldn't be the first time.

Jordan:
That's it? You've got nothing to say to me.

Woody:
Nope.

Jordan:
Woody, you lied to me. You betrayed my trust. You used me.

Woody:
At least I didn't rat you out.

Jordan:
No. You said this was about us, that you needed closure so you could move on.

Woody:
Oh, come on, Jordan, does it always have to be about you?

Jordan:
Oh, you need help Woody.

Woody:
I don't need help. Especially not from you.

Nigel:
Oh, Carpet Salesman of the Year 1989.

Bug:
Is there anything sadder than being Carpet Salesman of the Year?

Nigel:
How about still carrying the card in your wallet sixteen years later?

Macy:
That was stupid and reckless what you did, you know that? You don't listen to me.

Jordan:
Come on, Garret.

Macy:
You do what you want. And if you hadn't this time, those boys wouldn't be alive now.

Jordan:
All in a days work. No big deal.

Macy:
I'm still your boss and I'm telling you it was a big deal. Own it. I don't know what I would have done if something had happened to you.

Woody:
Looks like man vs. city bus. You can guess the outcome.

Woody:
Don't tell me that I missed something.

Bug:
Okay, I won't. But you did.

Devan Maguire:
You know, I've been trying to shake the whole cheerleader image for years. Is it really that bad?

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Keep trying, luv.

Frances:
Do you bake?

Lily:
I'm better at burning.

Det. Cruz:
This kid was built like a brick outhouse. I doubt that a few light punches could have taken him out.

Macy:
Dead men do tell tales, I guess.

Woody:
Carlsen's car is a '65 El Dorado.

Bug:
Hard to miss, considering it's the size of the QE II.

Bug:
Remember, heavy object, odd design.

Woody:
Thanks. That really narrows things down.

Bug:
[mutters] Just trying to help.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
How big would you like it?

[Maguire gives him a look]

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
I meant the picture.

Frances:
[to Woody] I just slipped you a couple of sleeping pills. Don't worry. They won't kill you. I'll have to do that.

Devan Maguire:
Has anyone tried to lift a fingerprint from the bag found in the locker?

Det. Cruz:
We never had a reason to.

Devan Maguire:
Now you do.

Devan Maguire:
You told me not to jump to conclusions, and what did I do?

Jordan:
Good jumping, though, really.

Devan Maguire:
So, you still think we would have hated each other in high school?

Jordan:
Oh, yeah!

Devan Maguire:
So, you, uh... want to get some dinner?

Jordan:
No, not really.

Devan Maguire:
Good, me either.

Woody:
I have been meaning to ask you why do they call you Bug?

Bug:
Because I like insects. Why do they call you Woody?

Woody:
Why are you here again?

Bug:
He's a reporter.

Woody:
How can you tell?

Bug:
Calluses on the fingertips suggest a regular typist. Mysteriously empty tape recorder, and - oh, yeah... his press pass says so.

Macy:
Get your coat.

Dr. Peter Winslow:
But it's pouring!

Macy:
We're like the post office. Neither rain, nor sleet...

Devan Maguire:
I didn't spend six years on postgraduate work to sit here on my shapely ass!

Macy:
You okay, man?

Dr. Peter Winslow:
Yeah. I'm just not used to working on bodies that are still bleeding.

Dr. Flynn:
You shouldn't feel so bad, Dr. Macy. People die all the time. In fact, if you hang around another ten minutes, you'll have company on your way back to the morgue.

Woody:
[Woody begins to undress and change his clothes]

Bug:
You obviously didn't make it to the sexual harassment seminar.

Woody:
Sure I did. That's why I didn't ask if you wanted to wrestle.

Woody:
Any way to tell her age from the autopsy?

Bug:
Sure, I'll just cut her open and count the rings.

Woody:
You could have simply said no.

[a woman is running a brothel under the disguise of a modeling agency]

Madam:
You know, we're starting a men's division, Detective Hoyt. In case you're ever interested in making some extra cash...

Woody:
I'll keep that in mind.

Bug:
What about me?

Bug:
[Bug is having technical difficulties]

Woody:
You know, I could always go get Nigel.

Bug:
If you love Nigel so much, why don't you marry him?

Woody:
We can actually do that now in Vermont.

Woody:
[checking a victim's phone records] There are over 50 calls in the last three months to a Robert Whiting.

Bug:
Why does that name sound familiar?

Woody:
You probably voted for him.

Woody:
Let's not jump to any hasty conclusions here. If I was looking for the wack-a-doo conspiracy version I would have called Jordan in.

Nigel:
I am some how both flattered and insulted by that.

Woody:
I'd appreciate if you handle this with a little bit of sensitivity. I don't know if you know this or not, but I'm up for a promotion this year. So if word got out...

Nigel:
Woody, Woody, Woody... I promise that I will keep an open mind, okay? And anyway sensitivity is my middle name. [opens the door] [shouts] Sweet Mary in the manger!

Lily:
You have the sensitivity of a lizard.

Arlene Lebowski:
You're not getting any younger.

Lily:
Oh, so I should be you? Jump anything with a pulse and a penis?

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Why dine like kings when you're having dessert with Smith & Wesson?

Woody:
The last four times Burnham met him was at some Goth club named Asmanties.

Garrett:
Goth club huh? Let Nigel do all the talking.

Bug:
I pulled tissue samples from John Doe and cross-referenced his biological data with local insect activity and came up with a time of death.

Jordan:
That's my Bug.

Bug:
Eleven days, four hours.

Detective Matt Seely:
Four hours?

Bug:
Well... Give or take.

Nigel:
I'm so glad you decided to go undercover Woody. You're blending right in.

Woody:
Sorry, I didn't get the memo. Did you sew those pants on yourself?

Garrett:
You ready for this?

Jordan:
Yeah... Look at me man, I am a vision of authority. I'll just order the keg and line up the togas.

Devan Maguire:
I've always been a good judge of character. I read people very well and I don't think he's guilty.

Woody:
I'm a pretty good judge of character too Devan. I had you pegged didn't I?

Devan Maguire:
Don't tell me... Pushy, driven...

Woody:
And sometimes intolerable. See... Impressive isn't it?

Bug:
You take it! I've got a date with a drug addict... Autopsy 4.

Dr. Peter Winslow:
She doesn't want me... She wants you.

Bug:
What? Someone... wants me?

Bug:
She saw my name on the directory and a big sign on my forehead that said dumbass!

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Jordan, you should know that last night will never happen again.

Jordan:
Oh God, what are we talking about here?

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
My new image in the workplace. No more Nigel-the-computer-jockey. Okay, I was swept up in the moment, but now it's truly done.

Jordan:
Look... You guys get along. I need you to talk to him.

Woody:
He pulled a gun on me!

Jordan:
That's bonding for him. He feels comfortable with you.

Woody:
He said he was going to shoot me!

Jordan:
You see... You guys are closer than I thought.

Dr. Peter Winslow:
So... We're looking for a missing girl and a guy who doesn't exist. Hmmm... That's challenging.

Lily:
Tell me about it!

Dr. Peter Winslow:
Smaller than I expected.

Macy:
Well... three dead people, three different guns, three fatal bullet wounds. A shoots B, B shoots C, C shoots A.

Jordan:
Commutative Property of Murder.

Lily:
Have you ever done anything too wild in your past that's hurt you professionally?

Nigel:
Well, there was that one thing with the sword swallower and the bubble bath. [pause] Never mind.

Nigel:
Look, I don't know how much you know about Jordan, but-...

Jordan:
She's an enormous pain in the ass.

Macy:
I really don't like you.

DA Rene Walcott:
Right back at you.

Macy:
I mean not at all.

DA Rene Walcott:
I get it. Just kiss me.

Jordan:
Trust me. The answers are always in the body.

[looking for the victim's husband]

Landlord:
Maybe he's at work.

Woody:
His wife never came home last night. Would you go to work the next morning?

Landlord:
Yeah, but you haven't met my husband.

[Peter is autopsying a morbidly obese man]

Macy:
Now that's what I call a pancreas.

[Lily has just bought a sandwich]

Garrett:
Tofurkey?

Lily:
Yeah. Fake turkey. Want some?

Garrett:
I'd rather eat sand.

Jordan:
Kinda early for sphincter level 10, even for you Garrett.

Woody:
I have moral issues shooting live animals. I don't care if it is wabbit hunting season.

Cal Hoyt:
But you shoot people.

Woody:
I shoot bad people.

Cal Hoyt:
Well, there's bad wabbit.

Woody:
Her name is Jordan.

Cal Hoyt:
That's a boy's name.

Woody:
She's not a boy, though.

Cal Hoyt:
That'd explain a lot.

Michael Stackhouse:
She got shot.

Woody:
Yes, she did. In the line of duty. You know what that is, duty?

Michael Stackhouse:
When you go to the bathroom in your pants?

Nigel:
Uh, we've got good news and bad news.

Bug:
Give her the bad news first. She's a pessimist.

[Rene is pregnant, and just telling Garrett]

DA Rene Walcott:
We met for a drink...

Garrett:
And one thing led to a mother?

[Nigel is asked if he can find out what's on a hard drive]

Nigel:
Is the bear Catholic?

Jordan:
And if he is, does that mean the Pope...

Jordan:
I don't mind being the center of attention. And I know in this business, no matter how good you are, it always comes down to one thing: your body.

Jordan:
Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges.

Garrett:
Woody...

Woody:
Ahh!

Garrett:
I think it's time you cut down on the java.

Woody:
I think it's time you quit sneaking up on people!

Jordan:
You know me... I'm all about the mental health.

Dr. Stiles:
I mean, for the last 24 years, you've been hiding in a locked room. You wanna... leave a door open? Leave it open to let yourself out.

Macy:
After three years, we might beat Miami.

Jordan:
Hey Woods, whats it like kissing your sister?

Jordan:
[Kim is a childhood friend of Jordan's] You know, professionally, I don't like you.

Kim Watkins:
You're not supposed to. I'm a lawyer.

Cal Hoyt:
[on meeting Jordan for the first time] So, why won't you have sex with my brother?

Macy:
[holding up a stethoscope from Jordan's days as a Thoracic Surgery resident] You still talk to God through this thing?

Jordan:
Naw, we e-mail now.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
The bullet then continues up the arm to break the humerus, not very funny in this case...

Woody:
[about a suspected serial killer she wants to inspect for evidence] Jordan, he's a psychopath!

Jordan:
[sarcastically] And I'm not?

Danny McCoy:
[upon arriving at a suspect's locked door] I can pick that lock in like, five seconds.

Woody:
Really? 'Cause I can do it in like, one. [kicks door in]

Detective Lieutenant Max Cavanaugh:
[after getting shot] I'm not dead?

Nurse:
No, we usually put a sheet over you for that

Jordan:
Haven't you guys gotten yourselves in enough trouble for one night?

Dr. Stiles:
People who don't care have nothing to lose. So either they started that way, or they've already lost everything. Those are dangerous people.

Jordan:
[to Macy] You're my bestest girlfriend.

Dr. Trey Sanders:
How do you know all this, Nigel?

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Insomnia and the History Channel. It's a lethal combination.

Dr. Stiles:
Depressed?

Macy:
About what?

Dr. Stiles:
Oh, I don't know. Anything - life, love, public transportation...

Jordan:
Whenever I start to get close to someone this little voice starts screaming in my head. Run, fast. Crazy. Messed up. Cuckoo. I wish I could promise you it won't happen again, but it probably will.

[talking about Nigel's happiness on a freezing day]

Macy:
If only we could harness that hot energy.

Jordan:
Yeah, Either that or we could just set his desk on fire.

Jordan:
Welcome to the new millennium, Wood. White collar meets spiked collar.

[Jordan's going out on a date]

Macy:
Word of advice: try not to sabotage things before dessert.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
I paid seven homeless people to go dumpster diving for me.

Macy:
Who's money did you use?

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Yours.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
It's impressive, really, how malic acid, magnesium hydroxide, and modified starches can together create a life-like facsimile of actual food.

Dr. Kate Switzer:
You are gonna be blood and guts on this floor. And then I'm gonna rip out your kidneys, and I'm gonna take them home and feed them to my dog Binky. 'Cause there is nothing Binky loves more than the taste of human kidneys.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Guess you were right about the processed sugar. That was some rant. That stuff about feeding kidneys to your dog Binky? That was brilliant. Like you'd have a dog.

Dr. Kate Switzer:
Dandy Dinmont Terrier. Three-time champ. Registered AKC.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
It's a show-dog...

Dr. Kate Switzer:
Noted for his luxuriant coat.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
'Cause of the folic acid...

Dr. Kate Switzer:
Abundant in the human kidney.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
You scare me.

Devan Maguire:
[looks at Governor's Ball invitation] Uh, Woody? This Governor's Ball?

Det. Woody Hoyt:
It's done, I'm over it, it's finished.

Devan Maguire:
It's next week. [Woody grabs the invitation and looks at it] Biggest night of your life...

Det. Woody Hoyt:
Unbelievable.

Devan Maguire:
[Woody hands Devan his tux jacket and starts loosening his tie] What are you doing?

Det. Woody Hoyt:
What does it look like?

Devan Maguire:
Chippendale's

Det. Woody Hoyt:
[Sarcastic laughter] Hahahahaha. [takes off dress shirt revealing wife beater] In your dreams.

Devan Maguire:
Hahahahaha. [sarcastic laughter] Nightmares.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
If you must know Woody and I have been doing this bizarre mating dance the past three years.

Dr. Mahesh "Bug" Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy:
I'm sorry, did I say I must know?

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
This recipe's been passed down in my family for centuries.

Dr. Mahesh 'Bug' Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy:
Along with some very disturbing genetic material.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
Don't worry about it, I'm a big girl.

Dr. Garret Macy:
Yeah, and he's a psychopath.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
And I'm not?

Detective Matt Seely:
You wouldn't happen to know any songs about taking a dump would you?

Detective Matt Seely:
Can't a man evolve without commentary?

Detective Matt Seely:
[while opening a body bag, a cat jumps out] Well, there's something you don't see everyday.

Dr. Mahesh 'Bug' Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy:
Well, now that the cat's out of the bag.

Lily Lebowski:
[Seely and Bug chuckle] That is not funny.

Dr. Garret Macy:
[Garret and Bug are beginning the Leviathon's victim's autopsy. As Garret makes the Y-incision, nasty yellow fluid comes gushing out of the body's abdomen- both men yell and jump back] Even for me, that was disgusting.

Dr. Mahesh 'Bug' Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy:
Yeah, now my feet are cold and wet.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
The moon's in Uranus.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
Excuse me?

Det. Woody Hoyt:
Me homicide, you narcotics!

Det. Luisa Santana:
And he my collar, Tarzan!

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
She's cute.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
Who? Her?

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
Yeah.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
Hadn't noticed. I'm serious. I hadn't.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
You know, that's what I love about you, Woody.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
What?

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
Oh...

Det. Woody Hoyt:
What, Jordan? What do you love about me? Come on!

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
Heard about the macho, action hero ending tonight.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
Yeah. Thanks to your tip. You know, Jordan, every once in awhile, you do something that makes all the rest of it worthwhile.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
You know, because it's been a long night, and I'm still freezing my ass off, I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
Come on, let me buy you a hot toddy.

Intern:
Thought this might help.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
I'm sure that'll warm the cockles of my heart.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Who was that?

Dr. Garret Macy:
Why aren't you in school?

Abby Macy:
I got suspended.

Dr. Garret Macy:
Excuse me?

Abby Macy:
God, just freak out before I get a chance to explain, why don't you?

Dr. Garret Macy:
All right, you're right, I'm sorry. Please explain.

Abby Macy:
It was totally stupid. My bio teacher caught me and this guy messing around in the supply closet.

Dr. Garret Macy:
"Messing around." What does that mean, "messing around?"

Abby Macy:
You know, messing around. You're not going to make me say it, are you?

Dr. Garret Macy:
Are you talking about sex?

Abby Macy:
Yes, Dad; I'm talking about sex. Can I finish? [Macy nods, speechless] I mean, so, me and this kid get ratted out to the principal, and she suspends me for four days. It's really, really not a big deal; it's just that, you know, the school's probably gonna call you, so I figured I'd give you a heads up.

Dr. Garret Macy:
Oh, well, thank you, Abby. Thank you so much for keeping me in the loop. I really appreciate it.

Jordan:
You really are a boyscout aren't you?

Woody:
Troop 1126.

Leslie Winton:
I prayed every night he wouldn't hurt anybody.

Dr. Garret Macy:
But he did.

Dr. Mahesh 'Bug' Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy:
Hey, kids, I was in the sand box first so either shut up or get out.

Dr. Mahesh 'Bug' Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy:
You go with your bad self.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
If I killed my husband where would I stash the body.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
If you killed your husband you would have to start in the closet.

Dr. Garret Macy:
Aren't you 10 years overdue for a dating life?

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
Well, yea. But then I would have to cancel my subscription to Old Spinster Monthly.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
Did you just flirt with me?

Devan Maguire:
I may have... accidentally.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
It's a little thing we call leg work.

Devan Maguire:
Oh yeah. Well it's a dumb way to make a living.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
And cutting up dead people isn't?

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
What's your sign?

Jordan:
I have several. Danger! Do Not Enter. Beware of men who are dogs!

Detective Woody Hoyt:
[to Jordan] Stay in the car.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
What exactly in our past makes you think I'll do that?

Dr. Garret Macy:
[Reading a eulogy at the site of the plance crash] As I stand on a mountaintop as the great bird approaches, she is small in my sight but grows larger on approach, until I am blessed with a full sight of her graceful wings, proud countenance and good company. All too quickly, she grows small again on the horizon and disappears from view. And I call out: There, she's gone! But there are other mountaintops beyond me. And at the precise moment when I note the great bird's departure from my view, I know there are new eyes taking up the sight of her and fresh voices calling out: Here, she comes!

Dr. Garret Macy:
The above prose is an adaptation of Rev. Henry Van Dyke's A Parable of Immortality

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Not only is my intelligence not dampened by alcohol, I actually get smarter with each drink. By the time I'm pissed drunk, my IQ reaches genius levels.

Dr. Devan Maguire:
I've always been a good judge of character. I read people very well and I don't think he's guilty.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
I'm a pretty good judge of character too Devan. I had you pegged didn't I?

Dr. Devan Maguire:
Don't tell me... Pushy, driven...

Det. Woody Hoyt:
And sometimes intolerable. See... Impressive isn't it?

Dr. Peter Winslow:
Have you ever heard of one of our MEs taking requests?

Bug:
Last year. Christmas karaoke party. When Nigel belted "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy". Some of us are still recovering.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
It shouldn't take a man this long to get to first base, Jordan.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
I don't know, Woody. I'm really not into baseball analogies. They remind me of my dad, you know. And then I got him in my head. And that gets even really warped for me.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
I'm sorry, Woody. You know, we tried this once before.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
We have?

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
Yeah, you know, that time in California.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
Jordan, that was like a kiss I'd give my aunt.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
You French kiss your aunt?

Lily Lebowski:
Is it just me, or is there something seriously wrong with Jordan?

Dr. Mahesh "Bug" Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy:
Now there's a loaded question.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
[to Dr. Stiles] You know me... I'm all about the mental health.

Bug:
Yea, human error. Responsible for the majority of bungled, botched, and boneheaded messes in this world.

Macy:
Only if you're alloting for a lot of aliiteration.

Detective Woody Hoyt:
Did you see their badges? Just answer the question, did you see their stinkin' badges?

Dr. Mahesh 'Bug' Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy:
[the FBI is scanning a charred hand found in an explosion] I heard you're having some trouble.

FBI Agent:
We're fine. And this is a classified area, so you're going to have to...

Dr. Mahesh 'Bug' Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy:
Scanning the derma?

FBI Agent:
Derma? That thing's baked! We've tried transluce photogrpahy, three different frequencies of UV scans, and I can't buy one damn ridge.

Dr. Mahesh 'Bug' Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy:
Let me try a more low-tech approach. [He obtains a syringe and alcohol and begins to inject the alcohol into one of the fingers]

FBI Agent:
Look, pal: unless Bangladesh U has caught up with Quantico, I don't see how rubbing alcohol trumps five million bucks' worth of equipment.

Dr. Mahesh 'Bug' Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy:
This hand has been exposed to massive heat; heat causes flesh to dehydrate. So we rehydrate.

FBI Agent:
You're not serious.

Dr. Mahesh 'Bug' Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy:
Sure I am.

[Bug finishes rehydrating the finger, scans it - and sure enough, the scanner picks up a fingerprint]

Dr. Mahesh 'Bug' Vijayaraghavensatanaryanamurthy:
Let me know if you need any more help. Oh, and, uh, by the way? I went to Oxford, you ass.

Dr. Garret Macy:
Pack a bag. You're going to Mississippi with Jordan.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Okay... Say what?

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
Thanks Garret. I could use the help.

Dr. Garret Macy:
As a bodyguard.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
SAY WHAT!

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
I'll book the tickets and rent the car.

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Say what?

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
Would you take it the wrong way if I told you I was actually glad you got shot?

Louis Jeffries:
Coming from you? Somehow, no.

Lily Lebowski:
Nigel, you were in the military, right?

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Counterintelligence for the Royal Navy. I'd tell you more, but then I'd have to kill you.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
Hey, Garret

Dr. Garret Macy:
Where have you been?

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh:
Burning bridges.

Dr. Garret Macy:
I'm going to hope that's a figure of speech.

Woody:
[to Pollock] You print a word of this we're going to have every looky-loo from here to Kalamazoo tailing us.

Nigel:
It's not rocket science. Just brain surgery.

Det. Woody Hoyt:
I guess I'll get this over with and just apologize.

Detective Tallulah 'Lu' Simmons:
What makes you think you have to apologize?

Det. Woody Hoyt:
I'm the guy, you're the girl... it's a given.

Detective Woody Hoyt:
Since we've met, I have had to shoot that guy off the rooftop, we had to dig up those decomposed bodies from under the floorboards, that house blew up, and now I've been hit in the face with a trash can. Who gets hit in the face with a trash can? I'm not Wile E. Coyote, here!

Dr. Garret Macy:
What did you want for your 17th?

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Leopard skin trousers and unlimited sexual favors.

Dr. Garret Macy:
And what did you get?

Dr. Nigel Townsend:
Besides those?