D.E.B.S.

Lucy:
Did you just snap my bra?

Amy:
I was trying to be smooth!

Janet:
Either speak French or English. Frenglish is not a language.

Dominique:
You're not as boring as I thought. You're not as bright either.

Max:
You remember the first thing I ever said to you?

Amy:
“My bunk, b*tch.”

Max:
Okay, the second thing, then.

Scud:
And remember, be open.

Lucy:
Open to what?

Scud:
Open to love.

Janet:
You are so busted.

President of D.E.B.S. Academy:
You're an exceptional liar.

Dominique:
You need to put it here. Don't be an idiot for once.

Janet:
You need to speak English or French. Frenglish is not a language.

Scud:
You're scheduled to meet 20:00 hours.

Lucy:
Where'd you find her?

Scud:
Zeda tipped us. Said she's available, she's in from Prague, relocating state-side.

Lucy:
Assassin?

Scud:
Check.

Lucy:
Where's the meet?

Scud:
Les Deux Amours. Trendy, yet discreet.

Lucy:
[looking over the image of Ninotchka and shifting her eyes side to side as she thinks] Cancel it. [gets up out of her chair]

Scud:
Why?! It's all set up.

Lucy:
I don't do blind dates.

Scud:
Yeah, well it's not a blind date if you know what they look like, ok.

Lucy:
Just tell her I'm not coming, ok. Say I came down with something.

Scud:
Come on Lucy it's been two years. You have to get out there.

Lucy:
I am out there. I went out with that drummer; the girl from the band that talked really loud.

Scud:
No, you didn't go out with her. We all went out together. And then you lied and said you had food poisoning, and you went home early.

Lucy:
Yeah well she talked really loud, like even when you were right next to her.

Scud:
[under his breath] I know.

Scud:
Look I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to drown yourself in your little schemes to destroy the world. But you need to get over it already, ok. You were dumped.

Lucy:
I was not dumped.

Scud:
Oh you were dumped hard. And that sucks. And you took your time off to go to Antarctica or whatever.

Lucy:
Reykjavik. It's in Iceland.

Scud:
But now it's time to get back in the game, Lucy. You've got a date tonight with a beautiful Russian assassin, and you're gonna show up. Lucy

Lucy:
Fine. Ok, I'll go. I'll be there.

Scud:
Just promise me you'll be open.

Lucy:
Open to what?

Scud:
Open to love.

Max:
And what did I say to you the very first day of Academy?

Amy:
"That's my bunk, b*tch."

Max:
Okay, after I said that.

Scud:
Just promise me you'll be open.

Lucy:
Open to what?

Scud:
Open to love.

Lucy:
[on an awkward blind date] So, you're an assassin.

Ninotchka:
Da.

Lucy:
How's that work?

Ninotchka:
It's mostly freelance.

Lucy:
[clutching stomach] I just, I'm feeling really ill. It's my stomach. I, um, I think I have food poisoning.

Ninotchka:
Are you blowing me?

Lucy:
What?

Ninotchka:
Off. Are you blowing me off?

Amy:
'[looking at Lucy through binoculars] Wow. Lucy Diamond, she's...

Max:
What?

Amy:
Real.

Lucy:
[after Amy refuses to go out with her] Why not?

Amy:
[still with her weapon trained on Lucy] Like a zillion reasons!

[Lucy kicks the weapon pointed at her away, then snatches it away, and points it at Amy]

Lucy:
Well now you have to come with me. [giggles]

Janet:
I have the sweater she's wearing, but in taupe.

Amy:
Really? Where did you get it?

Janet:
Target.

Amy:
No way.

Dominique:
Silence!

Janet:
[whispering] They also have it in teal.

Lucy:
[talking about a girl she met, Amy] Okay, first of all, you are gonna have to swear to me that you are not gonna freak out about this.

Scud:
Freak out about what? Why would I freak out?

Lucy:
Well, you know, sometimes you can--

Scud:
[freaking out] Oh, my God, who is it?

Janet:
[watching Amy and Lucy flirt] Correct me if I'm wrong, but your friend appears to be hitting on my friend.

Scud:
You're not wrong.

Janet:
Yeah, but my friend... not into that.

Scud:
[under breath] Right.

Janet:
[catching Amy and Lucy in a near kiss] Oh, my God! She almost kissed you! You almost let her!

Lucy:
[ scoffs rolling her eyes at Janet] Uhg!

Scud:
[smug] You owe me fifty bucks.

Amy:
Nothing happened.

Janet:
She was totally going to kiss you. You are so into her!

Amy:
I am not!

Janet:
You violated a prime directive. Plus, hello, it's a girl. You're so busted!

Janet:
They're calling you a hero, when really you're a slut!

Amy:
Shut up!

Janet:
[lowers voice] A gay slut!

Amy:
I'm not gay!

Max:
[to Amy] I don't care if you are the Perfect Score.

Janet:
[under her breath] Perfect whore!

Max:
I can't stop thinking about Lucy Diamond.

Janet:
[incredulous] You too?

Lucy:
Come with me. Come on, what do you have to lose?

Amy:
Everything.

Lucy:
I didn't even want to be a criminal. I wanted to be a pirate.

Amy:
[laughs]

Lucy:
[chuckling confusedly] What?

Amy:
Pirates are criminals.

Lucy:
Oh. Whoops.

[Amy fails to unhook Lucy's bra properly during their make-out session]

Lucy:
Did you just snap my bra?

Amy:
No.

Lucy:
Yeah, you did. That hasn't happened to me since sixth grade.

Amy:
I was trying to be smooth.

Mrs. Petrie:
Annie--

Madeline:
Amy.

Mrs. Petrie:
Amy, I think you identify with Lucy Diamond. I think she sees your pathos. You've got some dangerous Jungian symbiosis going on. What's that movie with Jodie, and the little dog falls in the well, with the lotion?

Madeline:
"Silence of the Lambs".

Mrs. Petrie:
You're the lamb, Amy.

Mrs. Petrie:
Are you kidding me? We conduct a nationwide manhunt for you and you're boning the suspect? Did you think this was a joke? "Let's divert federal resources and man-hours so I can have my collegiate lesbian fling in style."

Amy:
I was doing research.

Mrs. Petrie:
I'll bet.

Amy:
Do you remember what I said to you the first time we met?

Max:
"High-protein diets are overrated".

Amy:
After that.

Lucy:
Australia's toast.

Scud:
Uh-huh, what's your beef with the Australians?

Lucy:
I don't like their attitude!

Scud:
So, I was wondering if maybe you wanted--

Janet:
Yes.

Scud:
I didn't ask you anything yet.

Janet:
Whatever it is, yes.

Scud:
Awesome.

Scud:
All right, then. We're going in.

Lucy:
What?

Scud:
We gots to get her back.

Lucy Diamond:
Yes, well, their poster child doesn't know it yet, but she's into me.

Lucy Diamond:
I guess I'll see you around...same 'bat time' or whatever.

Amy Bradshaw:
[to Janet] Remember when you got drunk and nearly got the chancellor of Bulgaria killed? I covered for you!

Amy Bradshaw:
[to Lucy] I'm here because I feel more like me when I'm with you, than I do when I'm with me.

Amy Bradshaw:
I think love should be irresistible, like a drug, you know? I think when it happens you should just not be able to help yourself. I just - I wanted... more.

Mr Phipps:
You are a perfect liar.

Scud:
Knock 'em dead... but not really.

Janet:
Have you seen my gun?

Ms. Petrie:
This is not the Girl Scouts, this is espionage!

Scud:
Oh my God! What a disaster! I am so sorry! Leave it up to the D.E.B.S... your in a town a week and their all over you, grabbing...

[Lucy is sitting quiet with a little smile on her face]

Scud:
What?

Lucy:
I met someone.

Scud:
[Slamming on brakes] I knew it! I mean the thing about the dance was a little wierd, but i had a feeling that you and Ninotchka...

Lucy:
No, no, no, no, no Scud. Ninotchka was a train wreck thank you.

Scud:
[Puzzled] I'm not following.

Lucy:
Okay, but you have to promise that you're not going to freak out.

Scud:
Freak Out? Why would I freak out...

Lucy:
Well, ya know sometimes you...

Scud:
[Freaking out] OH MY GOD WHO IS IT?

Lucy:
What do you know about an Amy Bradshaw?

Scud:
Amy Bradshaw? The girl from the smuggling op?

Lucy:
No.

Scud:
Oh my god! Amy Bradshaw? Blonde hair? Plaid skirt? She's a D.E.B.!

Lucy:
So?

Scud:
Okay, not only is she a D.E.B., She's THE D.E.B.! She's the perfect score!

Lucy:
Yes, well, their poster child doesn't know it yet, but she's into me.

Amy:
[at Endgame, Amy delivers the formal acceptance speech Max wrote for her] If there is corruption in this city, Lucy Diamond is behind it.

[Lucy enters the auditorium on an upper-floor balcony and listens in painful silence]

Amy:
If there is indecency to be found, she is the root. If there is evil in this world, its name is Lucy Diamond. It's not until moments like this when you are forced to take stock of yourself that you see what you are made of. It's not until moments like this when you have to remember what's right and true. Because it's moments like this when you discover what it truly means to be a D.E.B.

[looks up, sees Lucy, and stops reading]

Amy:
Which is why I can't accept this award from you tonight. Because, the truth is, the times I spent with Lucy Diamond were the happiest days of my life. And the only brave thing I've done this whole time is what I'm doing now. So if you'll excuse me, I have a date with the devil.

[smiles and runs from the podium]

Scud:
What...the hell?

Janet:
I couldn't stop them!

Scud:
[pauses] You look nice.

Janet:
Thanks.

[pauses]

Janet:
What?

Max:
[to Janet] What are you doing?

Janet:
[to Max] Nothing!

[punches Scud, who falls to the floor, unconscious]

Janet:
Sorry!