Daddy Dearest

Al Mitchell:
[to a flasher] Well, now I know what Herve Villechaize left you in his will.

Steven Mitchell:
Dad, please! Don't embarrass me while I'm eating. It's very hard to apologize and swallow at the same time. Although I do recall a very ambivalent stewardess.

Steven Mitchell:
[upon seeing his mother has brought her new boyfriend to the school recital] Omigod! My sphincter just relaxed.

Pete Peters:
Lucky bastard.

Steven Mitchell:
You know what happens when you assume?

Pete Peters:
Yeah. You end up pulling the plug on your wife when all she really wanted was a glass of water.

Dr. Di Napoli:
[upon seeing Helen's son Larry all grown up] A fine looking boy. Hey, good thing we didn't go through with it, huh, Helen?

Helen Mitchell:
Is good sex too much to ask for before I drop dead?

Al Mitchell:
I don't know. Why don't you drop dead and find out?

Helen Mitchell:
[to Al, her ex-husband] Oh, yeah. You're a great roommate. After living with you for seven days, Anne Frank would have yelled, "Hey, boys! I'm over here!"

Al Mitchell:
I love the Italians. We need the Italians. Who else is gonna sleep with the ugly girls?

Helen Mitchell:
You think I would go to Atlantic City with you? I'd rather be dragged by a car while chewing on aluminum foil.

Al Mitchell:
Okay. I'll get the car.

Frank Sinatra:
[to Al Mitchell] You stay away from my wife.

[he lightly pats Al's cheek twice]