Dalziel and Pascoe

[to Pascoe who has just met Dalziel, a surname which is pronounced Dee-ELL]

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel:
The first time you walked in, you said "Good morning, Mister Dee-ELL". First bugger that ever got my name right. First time. Unforgivable, that is. "Smartarse", I thought. I was right.

[a student has written "Awww Dalzeil" on the evidence board]

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel:
I before E except after C and especially after the Z in my name.

Detective Superintendent Andrew Dalziel:
Did you find any drugs?

DC Seymour:
No-one mentioned anything about looking for drugs.

Detective Superintendent Andrew Dalziel:
No-one mentioned anything about Barbary apes, but if you'd seen a couple of them fornicating on the kitchen table, likely you'd have mentioned it.

Detective Superintendent Andrew Dalziel:
Who said that?

Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe:
Henrik Ibsen. You know him?

Detective Superintendent Andrew Dalziel:
I saw him play once... he scored a hattrick against Leeds

Detective Superintendent Andrew Dalziel:
Who said that?

Judge Brack:
Henrik Ibsen. You know him?

Detective Superintendent Andrew Dalziel:
I saw him play once... he scored a hattrick against Leeds.

[Jax Ripley has invited Dalziel and Pascoe out for a drink, to placate them about her latest campaign]

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel:
If you continue with this campaign, I will come down on you so hard, you'll wish you'd never been born!

[he walks off]

Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe:
I'd take that as a no!

[Dalziel and Pascoe visit the aquarium where Jax's sister works]

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel:
Get me a shark butty, and make it snappy!

PC Wayne Hector:
I'll need to take a statement from you and Mr Bancroft.

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel:
Don't worry about the spelling, otherwise we'll be here all night.

Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe:
Let's solve this case before he sobers up.

Det. Sgt. Edgar Wield:
That should give us a few weeks.

Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe:
You really shouldn't be drinking.

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel:
I am moved by your concern for my liver.

Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe:
We think you should take a holiday 'till this all blows over.

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel:
"We"? Is that the royal "we"? I always knew you were posh, Peter.

[last lines]

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel:
Hey, you know what she told me, Mansfield? She said... there's more funding in this country for leprosy research than there is for epilepsy. Have you ever met a leper?

[Dalziel has been on holiday to Australia and has come back with a face like a beetroot because he didn't use any sun cream]

Aidan Scarman:
Ouch! That looks nasty. I warned you to be careful out there.

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel:
As far as I know, the definition of "concern" is to be worried about or interested in. It does not mean taking the piss.

[a thief has broken into an old lady's house and stolen her collection of "nice Yorkshire stones"; he has also urinated in her kettle]

Mrs. Cottingley:
Mr Dalziel, I can see why this thief would take my collection, but why would he want to, er, wee-wee in my kettle?

Det. Supt. Dalziel:
If words were cricket balls you'd bowl half of them wide

DS Edgar Wield:
Is there anything you want, food, drink?

Frank Moon:
Don't be stupid, its a pub.

DC Parvez Lateef:
We tried our best sir

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel:
Bollocks!

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel:
[about his former wife] She's got a tongue as sharp as a fillet knife dipped in arsenic.

[a man's body has been found. The pathologist reports that the fatal blow has come from something like a rod with a ball on the end of it]

DI Peter Pascoe:
Could have been a priest.

Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel:
Clonked him with a loaded rosary? Three Hail Marys and one How Do St Peter?

Many lines from film and music are weaved in such as:

When interviewing a person of interest named Alfie

Dalziel asks "What's it all about Alfie"

Same episode he refers to something with the line,

Short Sharp Shock.

In another episode Dalziel goes to an gypsy camp looking for a person of interest named Dave.

The rough old gypsy replies "Dave's not here".

There are more of these gems sprinkled throughout.