Dancing with the Stars

Himself - Host:
Throughout the past five seasons, we've had some stars with various physical challenges. Heather Mills had one artificial leg. Kenny Mayne apparently had two.

[Season 13, Week 8, after dancing their Instant Jive and having scored 51 out of 60 for both their dances]

Himself - Contestant:
I really hope we make it to the semi-finals.

Cheryl Burke:
I know, me too!

Himself - Contestant:
It'd be kind of crazy to be in the top four.

Cheryl Burke:
Oh my God, it'd be amazing!

Himself - Contestant:
Definitely didn't expect that...

Cheryl Burke:
I haven't gone this far in years.

Himself - Contestant:
Well, it's time for a change sweetheart. We're goin' to Vegas!

Cheryl Burke:
[laughs] Yeah!

Himself - Judge:
[recurring] From Len, the ten!

Anna Trebunskaya:
Are you breathing when you're dancing?

Himself - Contestant:
Yeah. [pauses then mutters, as he walks outside for a break]... How else am I gonna stay alive?

Tom Bergeron:
When Val starts translating, that's got to be one of the signs of the apocalypse.

Himself - Judge:
When the passion is too much to talk, sing. When the passion is too much to sing, dance.

Herself - Judge:
You've been dancing freestyle all season. This is the dance you were waiting for.

Himself - Partner:
Kelly Monaco: You're not frustrated because you don't want to do it. You're frustrated because you want to do it better. You know you can do it better and you will do it better.

Himself - Judge:
[to Cloris Leachman] My darling, you gotta be the only person in the world able to sell such nonsense as a cha-cha-cha... and people buy it! They buy it!

Himself - Judge:
[to Helio Castroneves and Julianne Hough, who just danced the samba] Just because you come from Brazil doesn't necessarily mean you're going to be good at the samba, in the same that just because you come from Texas doesn't mean to say you're going to be good president...

Himself - Host:
ello! [audience gasps, cheers, and/or claps at Len's comment]

Himself - Judge:
Here goes the visa! Len, they're going to throw us out of the country!

Himself - Judge:
It was a joke! You can't say any joke over here without people going it... Let me tell you this, Helio. [critiquing the dance] It was fantastic. [audience cheers]

Himself - Host:
[to Helio and Julianne] Alright, guys, head on back for your scores, if you will. [to Len] Well, you only annoyed 33% of the people; that's the upside.

Adam Carolla:
I want to say something quickly about "Dancing With the Stars", this is why the terrorists hate us. It's not the glitter, and it's not the pomp and circumstance. We've got black and white, we've got Hispanic, and Asian, we've got gays, straights, and Guttenberg all working together [long pause for laughter] all working together for one common goal to get that mirrored ball. And the mirrored ball doesn't care what color you are, or how rich you're parents are, and it doesn't care what god you pray to! It's an even wooden floor, and may the best man, or woman, win and I say, God bless "Dancing With The Stars" and God bless the U.S.A.

Himself - Judge:
Then we have the jitterbug... er, the Lindy Hop.

Himself - Host:
That's what happens when you don't come to rehearsal.

Ty Murray:
I'm not scared of the double elimination, or rattlesnakes.

Lawrence Taylor:
I'll still be married after this dance, right?

Edyta Sliwinska:
We'll see.

Himself - Judge:
That was the tale of a fatal meeting. with the promise of forbidden pleasure.

Himself - Host:
[about Samantha's voice] It's kind of a Brenda Vaccaro smoky. An old reference, I know.

Himself - Host:
Is it just me or is Bruno starting to look like a tan Bela Lugosi?

Himself - Judge:
There was a tiddly blunder.

Holly Madison:
Call me crazy, but...

Herself - Host:
CRAZY!

Steve-O:
I just gotta get out there and say gosh dang darn it, what the hey.

Ty Murray:
You know, I'm just trying not to be horrible.

Holly Madison:
Every day's a Holly day!

Himself - Judge:
[about Holly's quickstep] You looked like you're running for a bus most of the time.

Ty Murray:
My cha cha was really just a cha, 'cause I forgot half of it.

Himself - Judge:
[to Ty Murray] Last week a caterpillar, this week a butterfly.

Herself - Host:
[to Ty Murray] The cowboy turns into a caterpillar and blossoms out there.

Himself - Judge:
[to Ty Murray] You've got to watch your hand, it looks like a bunch of bananas on her back.

Himself - Host:
The mobisodes are back. I'm excited about that and I don't even know what that means.

Kimberly 'Lil' Kim' Jones:
I want to dedicate my first dance to my girls in federal detention. This one's for you.

Steve-O:
I just wanted to put my foot in the waltz's butt.

Ty Murray:
When you're a cowboy and you go on "Dancing with the Stars," you're gonna hear from a lot of guys you haven't heard from in a long time.

Himself - Host:
Julianne is bursting with enthusiasm.

Himself - Partner:
Betsey Johnson: I think if you open up Betsy's mind there's a circus going on.

Himself - Host:
Your realize you've hit on three guys tonight.

Himself - Judge:
It's not Hollywood but it's nearby. More Paredena than Paso Doble.

Himself - Partner:
Shawn Johnson: The lower the score from Len the better.

Himself - Judge:
I'm a windup watch in a digital age.