Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts

[first lines]

Daniel Tosh:
Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Daniel Tosh:
It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

Daniel Tosh:
I can say that. I have a television show.

Daniel Tosh:
We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?

Daniel Tosh:
Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.

Daniel Tosh:
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here [points to head] , but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

Daniel Tosh:
You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B.S. I've watched the deadliest catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40 degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're [beep] fishin'."

Daniel Tosh:
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

Daniel Tosh:
Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Daniel Tosh:
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

[last lines]

Daniel Tosh:
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. Thank you very much you guys. Thank you. Thanks for coming out.

Daniel Tosh:
The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant's publicist. Cuz Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number and win a championship and that soulless town in LA couldn't be prouder. I just hope that when parents let their kids run around in #24 jerseys, they have the decency to say: 'well come on, number 8 was the rapist.'