Date Night

Phil Foster:
He turned the gun sideways! That's a kill shot!

Phil Foster:
...And will you, for the love of God, put on a f***ing shirt?

Claire Foster:
If we are going to pay this much for crab it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid!

Phil Foster:
You put *your* junk in reverse!

[end credits outtake]

Claire Foster:
Now you get up there and work that pole like a Russian immigrant.

[Phil tries to fire Holbrooke's gun, but it explodes in his hand]

Phil Foster:
This gun *sucks*!

Brad Sullivan:
I thought everything was fine, really. But you know what? We are stuck in these roles together and we can't break out of them, you know? It's like that Asian dude in "Sixteen Candles", Long Dik Dog.

Phil Foster:
Long Duk Dong.

Brad Sullivan:
Long Duk Dong. That dude!

Phil Foster:
Oh my God! The bald and crazy gay couple date. Sh*t my pants, we forgot our gay couple dinner.

Claire Foster:
What are we going to do? We can't go home, we can't go to the police...

Phil Foster:
Okay, okay, okay. Miletto, he wants the Tripplehorns, why? Because they have the flash drive. All right, what if they gave him the flash drive back?

Claire Foster:
Why would they do that?

Phil Foster:
Because we're going to find them and we're going to *make* them do it. Once Miletto has the flash drive, this thing ends.

Claire Foster:
Okay, I like that. I am completely with you. I just have to ask you one question, and do not judge me. What is a flash drive?

Phil Foster:
Seriously?

Claire Foster:
Phil, I can't...

Phil Foster:
Okay, it's a little storage disk that you stick in the side of a laptop.

Claire Foster:
Oh, it's a computer sticky thing? That's... in my office, we call it a computer sticky thing.

Phil Foster:
[after seeing all of Holbrooke's security technology] Wow! Where'd you get all this stuff?

Holbrooke:
Radio Shack.

Phil Foster:
Seriously?

Holbrooke:
[laughing] No, Phil, not seriously! [to Claire] What's wrong with him?

Phil Foster:
[imitating Holbrooke in a raspy voice, talking to the dirty cops through the intercom] Hey. Hey, yo, yo. I'll be down in a minute. I'm having sex. I'm getting busy.

Holbrooke:
Is that supposed to be me? Or is that, like, Fat Albert or somebody?

Phil Foster:
Even though your pecs make me want to kill myself, and your girlfriend is so hot it's like looking through a shimmering jet engine, I believe there is a real person in there.

Claire Foster:
That's amazing, Jeremy, but I'm gonna go home now and fart into a shoe box.

Wendy:
You have no idea what it is like to be a teenage girl having your first period under Taliban rule.

Phil Foster:
That is true. And neither do you.

Phil Foster:
But you guys are happy!

Brad Sullivan:
No, Phil, we're not.

Phil Foster:
No, no. No, you guys are *really* happy!

Brad Sullivan:
No, Phil, we're really not.

Haley Sullivan:
And I wanna get it on with three guys at the same time, 'cause I can!

Claire Foster:
Three guys at once? That's a nightmare. That is literally a recurring stress dream that I have. I can only think of jobs for two. Oh, no, I got it.

Haley Sullivan:
Yeah, there's that one.

Operator:
Do you accept a collect call from...

Claire Foster:
''Oh my god, this phone smells like urine!''

Katy:
Yes, yes. I accept.

Haley Sullivan:
And he knows that if I have five glasses of wine, I'm gonna try to make out with a black guy.

Claire Foster:
You're still doing that, huh?

Haley Sullivan:
Yes!

Claire Foster:
Get that bird away from me.

Phil Foster:
Just in case, I'm gonna give you 5$, even though I know it's a scam. And I only have 20, so I'm gonna give that to you, even though it should be a 5. Scam.

Claire Foster:
They had no idea who they were dealing with.

Phil Foster:
Oh my god, if I knew anything about Will.I.Am, I'd be really psyched right now!

Phil Foster:
Arf, they're locked. You locked that one too. Good call. I would've done that.

Phil Foster:
We were in here earlier having dinner with our friend Sam.I.Am.

Claw Hostess:
You mean Will.I.Am?

Claire Foster:
Is that what you call him? That's weird, I don't like that.

Phil Foster:
Hey, zip your face!

Taste:
Zip my face? Are you serious?

Whippit:
Yeah, he said "zip your face"

Taste:
That's your best line? That's your best tough guy line?

Phil Foster:
You heard me. Zip your face.

Taste:
Why don't you just zip your vagina, Raymond Burr!

Phil Foster:
I have no idea how to respond to that! F you!

Taste:
F me? F you!

Phil Foster:
F YOU!

Taste:
F YOU, MAN! What are you doing here?

Phil Foster:
F YOU, mother-effer!

Claire Foster:
If I'm gonna get whacked off, I at least deserve to understand why it's happening... What are you smiling about?

Phil Foster:
Honey, we're not going to get whacked off. We may get bumped off, or we may get whacked.

Claire Foster:
Why is it so bright out here? It's supposed to be dark and seedy. Give a 40 year old stripper-slash-mom a break.

Phil Foster:
Honey, listen to me. You are a beautiful, strong woman. You are the mother of my children. Now, I want you to go in there and pop that coochie.

Claire Foster:
Pop the coochie.

Phil Foster:
Just pop it out.

Claire Foster:
So we can go home.

Phil Foster:
Let's go pop it. Come on.

Claire Foster:
For the kids.

Claire Foster:
[Climbing up the fire escape] Everything you're doing, I'm doing in heels. I just want you to know that.

[having an argument with Whippit]

Taste:
Oh, this is going to be about what a loser I am. How I can't do anything right! I buy the wrong soda, the wrong beer, the wrong nipple clamps!

Whippit:
THOSE CLAMPS HURT ME!

Taste:
You don't even look at me. I have to beg you to have sex with me, like it's a gift. And forget about the anal. FORGET ABOUT THE ANAL!

Phil Foster:
Ohhhh, kay.

Taste:
Forget about it!

Claire Foster:
Oh, it's forgotten.

Claire Foster:
That's Will.i.am, from Fergie.

Phil Foster:
[after Claire points out the two corrupt cops] Oh my God! The bald and the crazy... gay couple date. Sh*t... my pants we forgot our gay couple date.

Armstrong:
[as he's getting arrested] I'm a cop!

Police Officer:
Not anymore, you're not!

Detective Arroyo:
Mr. Miletto, Mr. District Attorney, you two are under arrest for conspiracy, obstruction of justice, racketeering, [to Crenshaw] I'm pretty sure prostitution, and a few other goodies I'll find on this.

Detective Arroyo:
[to the cops] Get them out of here!

Detective Arroyo:
[to Collins and Armstrong, with extreme sarcasm] Thank you *so much* for all your help.

Detective Arroyo:
[to the other cops] Dispose of this trash!

[first lines]

Oliver Foster:
[early morning] Dad? Mom? Can I have breakfast?

Phil Foster:
Honey, don't move.

Charlotte Foster:
[running in] Mommy! Daddy! Pile driver! [jumps on mom] I love you!

Claire Foster:
How do you have so many knees?

Phil Foster:
What'd you learn in school today?

Oliver Foster, Charlotte Foster:
Nothing.

Phil Foster:
Oh, fantastic. Won't have to pay for college.

Armstrong:
I will give you three seconds to give us back the flash drive.!

Claire Foster:
What, okay, the three seconds game? Sorry, sir. But, you know, I play this every day with my kids.

Phil Foster:
She invented that thing.

Claire Foster:
That's not scary.

Armstrong:
[pulls a gun] One...

Claire Foster:
This is a different version!

Phil Foster:
[running holding a boat over their heads] We are going to die!

Claire Foster:
I don't want the kids to live with your mother!

Phil Foster:
What?

Claire Foster:
She's awful!

Holbrooke:
I met her in Tel Aviv, doing some consulting for the Mossad. She is a sweet girl.

Phil Foster:
She seems really sweet. That was very nice of her to ask us to have sex.

Whippit:
I'm Whippit.

Claire Foster:
Whippit, like the dog?

Whippit:
No. Like when you suck nitrous out of a whipped cream can.

Claire Foster:
Okay. Okay.

Whippit:
Stupid skank.

Claire Foster:
Oh, my God. Do you have any contact with your mother at all?

Claire Foster:
I love you Phil, but your plans are the worst!

Cabbie:
Look here, you two need to get your married-people-stuff together when my life is not at stake, okay?

Phil Foster:
No, no, no, no, no. I can't do this.

Claire Foster:
Yeah, you can. Because you are a beautiful and amazing man, and the father of my children, and you are gonna get in there and work that pole like a runaway.

Detective Arroyo:
So what's your story?

Claire Foster:
Just a boring married couple from New Jersey.

[last lines]

Phil Foster:
I'd do it again you know?

Claire Foster:
What, tonight? No, it was very dangerous.

Phil Foster:
No, not tonight. Us. You, me, the kids, all of it. I'd do it again. I'd choose you every time.

[Claire is freaking out]

Phil Foster:
Claire, look at me. Look at me! I've got this. I have got this! Count to three.

Claire Foster:
What?

Phil Foster:
Just count 'em down.

Claire Foster:
No, that doesn't work with grown-ups. That doesn't work with people with guns.

Phil Foster:
Trust me.

[Claire turns to Miletto and Crenshaw and their goons]

Claire Foster:
All right! I have had enough! My kids are gonna have me up in 90 minutes, so this sh*t ends now. I'm gonna count to three, and every one of you boys is gonna put down your guns!

Armstrong:
Is she serious?

Claire Foster:
One!

DA Frank Crenshaw:
I think she's serious.

Claire Foster:
Two!

Joe Miletto:
She's kidding, right?

Claire Foster:
Three!