David Frost Presents

Bored Pilot:
Please find the emergency spill in the washroom at the back and release it!

Bored Pilot:
But do not unfasten your safety belt!

Flight Attendant:
That's got 'em back to their seats.

Bored Pilot:
The emergency spill must be released!

Bored Pilot:
But do not leave your seats!

Bored Pilot:
Do not panic!

Bored Pilot:
Tea will be served.

Bored Pilot:
Inflate your lifejackets!

Bored Pilot:
And extinguish all cigarettes!

Bored Pilot:
Please remove the luggage from the racks above your heads and please it on the other side of the aircraft.

Bored Pilot:
Except for hand luggage...

Bored Pilot:
Which you should sit on!

John Cleese:
This ruthless concentration on one's self is a successful irritant widely practiced by women. A friend of mine once demonstrated this to me at a large party. He stood in the middle of the room and said very loudly, "The trouble with women is that they always take things personally." Four women immediately replied, "Well I Don't."

John Cleese:
Why would you want to watch this? It's a costume thing.

Pepperpot, Pepperpot, Pepperpot:
Ooh! Well I never!

Various:
I'm kicking myself.

Flight Attendant:
Hang on, there's someone going into the washroom. Wait, he's in, he's in.

Flight Attendant, Bored Pilot, Bored Pilot:
Five, four, three, two, one.

Bored Pilot:
Please return to your seats and fasten you safety belts immediately.

Teddy:
What animal makes the noise, "meow?"

Mrs.Maurice:
A car?

Teddy:
Nearly! Ca... ca... ca...

Mrs.Maurice:
Ca... ca... bus?

Teddy:
No. Ca... ca...

Mrs.Maurice:
Aeroplane?

Teddy:
No, no! Ca... ca... ca...

Mrs.Maurice:
Ca... ca... ca... MOTOR TORPEDO BOAT!

Teddy:
NO, NO, NO! Ha, ha, ha... bad luck, Mrs. Morris, jolly good try. No, Mrs. Morris, what ANIMAAAAAAL... ha, ha... makes the noise "meow?"

Mrs.Maurice:
Oh, that's easy. A cat.

Teddy:
A what?

Mrs.Maurice:
A cat!

Teddy:
Then why did you say "motor torpedo boat?"

Mrs.Maurice:
I'M 943!