Dean Martin Celebrity Roast: Mr. T

Slappy White:
I know Mr. T from Chicago, and in his neighborhood the Avon lady would ring and rung. But it's safe to go through his neighborhood at night, if you're a bullet. But look at him now, 30 pounds of gold chains around his neck, $200 slacks, $150 shoes, and no underwear! But one thing I can say about Mr. T, he got a lot of nerve; anybody that would walk around with a haircut like that would HAVE to have a lot of nerve!

Himself - Roastmaster:
[sorting through telegrams for Mr. T] Oh here's one, 'Dear Ricky Schroeder, please come to the front desk, your roller skates are illegally parked.'

Ann Jillian:
The man has muscles on top of his muscles; Nancy Reagan sat on his lap and bruised her dress.

George Peppard:
Tonight I'm here on behalf of the A-Team, the whole group, on a very happy mission, to pass along our good wishes to a guy who has done so much to ensure the success of our show. And I'm talking about my friend, T, Brother T, a little bit bigger than life, with his intimidating scowl, outlandish Mandinka that parts his scalp, the oak tree arms, and that wild profusion of chains and gold jewelry, he's probably bigger than 10 lives. But there's a T you've never seen, the way I have, that T exhumes the kind of compassion and humanity that very few human beings can. There's a saying, 'You can't fool a child', and that's the truth; for despite the voracity of the roles he's played in 'Rocky III' and more recently in our show, he hasn't fooled the kids of America one bit. They sense, they know, that beneath the surface toughness is a kind of childlike quality which they recognize in themselves. That's why children swarm around him in the streets, they do everywhere we go. That's why they relate to him when despite his very busy life, he finds time to visit them in the hospital wards, and always asserting that Big Brother admonition: 'Now you go to the library and study books, you hear?' This Mr. T, this modern day pied piper, this Mr. T that I and the rest of the A-Team know, and the big secret that we all know, is the T really stands for Tenderness. He's a team player, he's a professional, and he's my friend, I'm truly so thrilled b his success, I'm glad I was around to see it happen. Thank you very much.

Ann Jillian:
"The A-Team" is so violent that NBC had to put on "St. Elsewhere" just to handle the casualties. God knows you must be doing something right because your show is a great success. Week in, week out, your band of vigilantes blow up buildings, highways, bridges, I just read where Russia wants to sign a separate peace treaty with the A-Team. And Mr. T, you know every time I watch your show, there you are, running your car up on a sidewalk, knocking over fire hydrants, crashing through store windows, and for this they pay you huge sums of money. Gee, I feel sorry for the New York cabbies, they do the same thing for nothing.