Death in Paradise

[At the Honor? Police Station in Sainte-Marie, under Officer Fidel Best's supervision, an old man tries unsuccessfully to coax a goat by gesturing and clucking at her to come to him. Fidel clicks a stopwatch]

Fidel Best:
I'm sorry, sir, time's up. If she was your goat, she would have gone to you. This goat remains unclaimed.

[Fidel puts down a clipboard and moves toward the entrance to the jail where Charlie Hulme is standing]

DI Charlie Hulme:
Fidel?

Fidel Best:
Yes sir?

DI Charlie Hulme:
Goats aren't obedient. They don't come when called. You do know that, don't you?

[Fidel bends down and makes a clicking sound at the goat, who promptly turns away from the old man still clucking at her and walks to Fidel. Fidel holds open the beaded curtain entrance to the jail, which the goat walks through. Fidel smiles at Charlie before going through the curtain]

[Officer Dwayne Myers takes his handcuffs off Marlon Collins and puts him in one of the jail cells at the Honor? Police Station]

Marlon Collins:
Oh, come - ! You can't put me in here!

Dwayne Myers:
Why? You want to go in there?

[Dwayne nods toward the other cell where the goat is standing, and laughs as Marlon sits on the cot]

Dwayne Myers:
Maybe you should stop stealing yachts.

[Sgt. Lily Thomson arrives at Lord Salcombe's house, as an alarm is ringing. She is met by Lawrence, the majordomo, who proceeds to escort her to the house]

Lawrence:
We were having a party, then from nowhere, the alarm started blaring. Someone is locked inside the panic room.

Sgt. Lily Thomson:
Where is Lord and Lady Salcombe?

Lawrence:
Well, no one has seen them since the alarm went off.

Lawrence:
[as he and Lily approach the locked panic room] I think you should know, just before the alarm, there was a gunshot. Everybody heard it.

[Sgt. Lily Thomson has punched in a code to stop the alarm and unlock a panic room at Lord Salcombe's house, then cautiously stepped inside. Lord and Lady Salcombe are waiting outside with Lawrence when she rushes back out]

Sgt. Lily Thomson:
Lawrence, call an ambulance! Now! Allez la!

Lawrence:
Not a problem!

[Lawrence rushes off while Lily goes back inside the panic room, followed closely behind by Lord and Lady Salcombe. Inside, they find a dead man with a bullet hole under his jaw and clutching a small book]

Sgt. Lily Thomson:
It's Charlie Hulme.

[Sgt. Lily Thomson and Commissioner Selwyn Patterson wait at the Sainte-Marie airport while DI Richard Poole inquires at the lost-and-found department about his lost luggage]

Sgt. Lily Thomson:
We don't need outside help.

Comm. Selwyn Patterson:
Charlie Hulme was a British cop. They want a British cop to lead the case.

Comm. Selwyn Patterson:
So, team, Dwayne, Fidel, this is Detective Inspector Richard Poole from the Met in London.

DI Richard Poole:
Thank you, I'll take over from here.

[Lily gestures to the chief's desk where DI Poole will sit]

DI Richard Poole:
[moving to the desk] Right then, I want everything you've got on DI Hulme's death on my desk immediately. And if you could get on to I.T. to sort out the login details for my PC. It's imperative I get on the network ASAP.

Dwayne Myers:
[muttering under his breath] Pen-pusher. This is not going to go well.

DI Richard Poole:
[whacking his computer monitor a few times] Sorry, my monitor won't turn on.

DI Richard Poole:
Ah, this heat!

Sgt. Lily Thomson:
Then take your jacket off.

DI Richard Poole:
Is it always this hot?

Sgt. Lily Thomson:
No. Sometimes, it's a lot hotter.

DI Richard Poole:
[to Lily] Look, I'll be honest with you, this whole Caribbean thing, I mean, I'm sure it's very nice, but uh... well, it's not really my idea of, uh... yeah. So, as soon as I've solved this case, and I've got my luggage, I'm on the next plane home. I can't think why they sent me.

DI Richard Poole:
[on his cellphone talking to his commanding officer in London] No, no, it's terrible. The airline have lost my luggage, it's about 400 degrees in the shade, and they've put me up in some kind of... shack.

[DI Poole and Sgt. Thomson arrive at Lord Salcombe's estate]

DI Richard Poole:
So how did a British policeman get mixed up with an aristocrat?

Sgt. Lily Thomson:
I don't know.

DI Richard Poole:
Then what was he like?

Sgt. Lily Thomson:
[at the front door, she rings the doorbell] Who, Charlie? Fun. Not your typical Englishman. Charismatic, you know?

DI Richard Poole:
What do you mean by a typical Englishman?

[Lawrence answers the door and Poole flashes his badge as Lily smirks at his stiff, official manner]

DI Richard Poole:
Detective Inspector Richard Poole, Metropolitan Police.

Lawrence:
Ah, yes, come in.

[Dwayne is on the phone with a contact in London, to find out more about DI Poole]

Dwayne Myers:
Come on, Darleen, you've got to have something on him. Because you've read his file! There's got to be some dirt. I'll take you to the Bay Cove. So that's it? Okay, bye.

[Dwayne hangs up the phone]

Dwayne Myers:
His department threw a party for him when he left.

Fidel Best:
Oh, so he's popular.

Dwayne Myers:
No. They threw the party after he'd gone.

[while Sgt. Lily Thomson is writing a report, and Officer Dwayne Myers is listening to a West Indies cricket game on the radio, Officer Fidel Best answers an incoming phone call to the police station. After getting a few details, he tells the caller they'll send someone right away. Seeing that Lily has just answered her cellphone, Fidel tries to get Dwayne's attention]

Fidel Best:
Ah... Dwayne! You know Lord Salcombe's place?

Dwayne Myers:
[listening intently to the game] Uh-huh.

Fidel Best:
Well, his panic room's gone into lockdown. Apparently, we've got the codes to open it in our safe.

[Lily ends her call]

Fidel Best:
What shall I go on...

[Dwayne holds up his hand to listen to the radio]

Fidel Best:
Dwayne? Dwayne!

Sgt. Lily Thomson:
[getting up from her desk] Oh, for heavens' sake, I'll do it!

Dwayne Myers:
[turning away from the radio] Huh?

[Fidel is talking on his cellphone on the terrace at the police station while Dwayne is smacking the computer monitor at his desk before joining Fidel outside on the terrace]

Dwayne Myers:
Ah! Hey, my monitor's playing up!

Fidel Best:
[on the phone] The crime scene's been cleared and all the evidence bagged and sent to the lab. So, when will we get an autopsy report? Okay, thanks.

Fidel Best:
[ending the call, looks at Dwayne] Report's on its way. This guy they're sending from London, he'll be good, won't he?

Dwayne Myers:
Who knows?

Fidel Best:
They won't just send any old...

[the goat bleats from the jail]

Fidel Best:
I better feed the goat.

[Picking up a nearby bucket, Fidel starts to head inside]

Dwayne Myers:
The chief's monitor still works though, doesn't it?

Fidel Best:
Sure, why?

[Dwayne smiles and follows Fidel inside]

[as Lily drives them back to the police station, Commissioner Patterson gives DI Poole a brief history of their island]

Comm. Selwyn Patterson:
Sainte-Marie was colonized by the French, who lost it to the British, who lost it to the Dutch. The Dutch lost it back to the French. The French then handed it back to the British in the mid 70's. So, about 30 percent of the population is still French.

DI Richard Poole:
French. Great. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.

[Fed up with his dismissive and high-handed attitude at the beginning of their first murder investigation together, Sergeant Camille Bordey takes Inspector Richard Poole into an empty hotel room for a private chat]

Camille Bordey:
I am a detective sergeant in the Sainte-Marie Police Force. I graduated top of my year. I have three commendations for bravery. I have been shot twice and I could almost certainly beat you in a fist fight. Whereas you, you are a rude man! You are ignorant, full of your own self-importance, expecting everyone to follow you around and hang on your every word? From now on, you treat me with a little more respect, or I'll be forced to forget I'm a police officer. Okay?

Camille Bordey:
You are the most annoying man I've ever met.

DI Richard Poole:
It's a very small island.

Dwayne Myers:
But the prophecy - !

DI Richard Poole:
All right, that's enough. No one is to mention this prophecy again! We're detectives. We deal in physical evidence and forensic science. We do NOT stick pins into dolls and dance naked around the campfire!

DI Richard Poole:
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is to mention that word again!

Fidel Best:
Which word?

Dwayne Myers:
Voodoo!

Camille Bordey:
Voodoo has been part of this island for hundreds of years.

DI Richard Poole:
So have cholera and TB - and the French - and we managed to get rid of them in the end!

Camille Bordey:
I am half French!

DI Richard Poole:
There's no such thing as half French!

[Furious over a prisoner's death in Poole's custody, Commissioner Patterson berates prison guard Vincent Carter before ordering him out of the police station]

DI Richard Poole:
It wasn't his fault, sir. The prisoner was in my custody.

Comm. Selwyn Patterson:
I'd say that's hardly something to be proud of, Inspector. I could understand if he was secretly poisoned. In fact, secretly anything! I could even forgive a gunshot from another boat, or a jet-ski or a helicopter! But no! A knife was plunged into his back while you were standing next to him! Joined at the wrists!

[Having given DI Poole a severe dressing-down over the death of a prisoner in his custody, Commissioner Patterson storms out of the police station, past Camille, Dwayne and Fidel waiting outside. They enter quietly to find Poole sitting by his desk with his head in his hands]

Camille Bordey:
Are you okay?

DI Richard Poole:
[sitting back in his chair] The commissioner and I had a frank exchange of views. And it was decided I hadn't exactly covered myself in glory as far as the prisoner's transfer was concerned.

DI Richard Poole:
So we got a man murdered in broad daylight while handcuffed to a police officer, just over a thousand suspects, and it's a hundred degrees... Marvellous!

[Dwayne and Fidel observe from a distance as temporary replacement DS Angela Young stares at the evidence board, trying in vain to figure out the murder of a local diver]

Dwayne Myers:
She hasn't got a clue.

Fidel Best:
Oh, no, no. She's got a lot of clues. She just doesn't know what to do with them.

DI Richard Poole:
[after finding a freshly laid chicken egg in his shoe] Oh, for crying out loud!

DS Camille Bordey:
Don't you have chickens in London?

DI Richard Poole:
Yes, we do... wrapped in cellophane...