Death to Smoochy

Randolph:
So you want your little booger eater on my show?

Randolph:
Then don't tell me how to run my f***ing business.

Randolph:
Bastard Son of Barney! Die! Die, stuffed ball of fluff! Illegitimate Teletubbie! Die, you Muppet from hell! Die, you foam motherf***er!

Randolph:
The balls on that fuschia f***! I'm gonna tear him apart, piece by piece!

Sheldon:
I'll be in my office, the big one with a view!

Nora:
They all have views, you dumb sh*t!

Sheldon:
Not looking this way, cupcake!

Angelo Pike:
He was jacked up higher than a prom dress in June.

Sheldon:
When my brothers and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

Randolph:
Even when you're squeaky clean, you can still fall in the mud.

Sheldon:
So remember kids, a stepdad is a lot like a new puppy. They need patience and love while they adjust to their new surroundings. But remember - if he is ever abusive to you or mommy, what are the magic numbers?

Sheldon:
Thaaaaaaat's right!

Tommy:
It's a shame this happened. Okay, now let's go pray and get shitfaced.

Randolph:
What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick f***! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.

Sheldon:
Captain Kangaroo, like Jesus Christ, was someone you could really believe in. With those guys it wasn't about the bells and whistles and the rickety rackety, it was all about the work. Especially Jesus.

Nora:
That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.

Randolph:
And limber.

Randolph:
You better grow eyes in the back of your head, you horned piece of sh*t, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling up your foam-rubber ass! I'm goin' on safari motherf***er! SAH-FAR-I!

Randolph:
I don't know. I'm kinda f***ed up in general, so it's hard to gauge.

Sheldon:
Now I'm not pointing any fingers, Lord knows you start pointing fingers and someone's gonna get poked. And I want you both to know that its not my intention to try and... poke either of you.

Sheldon:
You can't change the world but you can make a dent.

Sheldon:
Someone toss me a beach towel because my head is swimming.

Sheldon:
Don't talk to me like that, I am not your puppet.

Merv Green:
Don't do this to me! I love children! I'd never kill Moochy!

Tommy:
You like kids, eh?

Merv Green:
Yes!

Tommy:
You like fairy tales, then?

Merv Green:
Yeah!

Tommy:
Jimmy, tell him the one about the worthless prick that got his head chopped off with an axe.

Randolph:
Hello, little nipple-nibbler. The rhino's a Nazi!

Nora:
You're here to sell sugar and plastic.

Tommy:
Roy, have you got the hammer?

Roy:
Always got the hammer, Tommy.

Sheldon:
Let's face it. Big junkies come from little junkies. We gotta nip this in the bud, Burke!

Bartender:
I never saw anyone get buzzed off of orange juice.

Sheldon:
Let me tell you a secret - if you squirt a little liquid alfalfa in, it's blast off time.

Sheldon:
Has anyone ever suggested that maybe a little yoga, maybe a high colonic or two could loosen you up a lot?

Randolph:
Do not start with your magician's tricks young Moses! I am pharaoh! And you are my slave. And this... is my kingdom!

Burke:
You're gonna be so rich you'll be pissing on hundred dollar bills just to see the look on Franklin's face!

Sheldon:
I don't think I could do that. I have much too much respect for the things that man has accomplished.

Tommy:
This I guarantee: That f***in' Randolph has seen his last rainbow. We're going to find him, cut off his balls, and shove 'em up his ass.

Sheldon:
Well, maybe we should leave that for the cops, Tommy.

Roy:
Cops won't do the ball thing, it's against procedure.

Sheldon:
You work for Kidnet? Are you serious?

Nora:
As a heart attack.

Randolph:
He's a pillow-biter, you know.

Sheldon:
I wouldn't know anything about his sleeping disorders.

Burke:
If you rat on the Parade of Hope, you'll be lucky to find your toenails. These guys are the roughest of all the charities.

Randolph:
Didn't she tell you of the love we once had. Passionate yet tender, old-fashioned yet experimental.

Sheldon:
Randolph, you have lost your mind.

Randolph:
Oh, enlighten the lad, Nora. You were such a hot little brood mare, does the bridle still fit?

Sheldon:
Hey, watch your mouth mister!

Nora:
What experiments? I've had firmer handshakes, ya drunk.

Randolph:
Please, it's small but, it's fierce!

Randolph:
I'm Rainbow F***ing Randolph!

Nora:
We know you didn't kill Spinner so just cool your jets.

Randolph:
Oh, thank you, Mother Teresa, why don't you tell that to the angry mob outside? They want my f***ing ass. I'm like a god damn toaster at Macy's; Rainbow's ass - aisle three.

Randolph:
What about Wally the Whale?

Sheldon:
Laura, how could you do it with Wally the Whale?

Randolph:
There she blows!

Sheldon:
I don't believe this is happening. I can't believe you didn't tell me about this.

Nora:
Listen, Sheldon, I'm not proud of it but, there was a time in my life when I was a bit of a kiddie host groupie.

Burke:
Sheldon, I know you got a fetish for ethics.

Randolph:
Look what you've done to this place. It's all Diane Fosse. When I lived here, it was Bob Fosse. Right there, I had a big painting of a naked chick holding a little plant; very tasteful, no bush... not a picture of your f***ing mother!

Randolph:
Nooo! You're to close to the fire - the flames are driving me maaaaaad!

Randolph:
She's right, you've got to keep your dignity in tact -

Randolph:
Oww! My balls - they're on fire!

Buggy Ding Dong:
Sorry if I smell like piss. You know how it is.

Sheldon:
You just f***ed with the wrong rhino!

Randolph:
In a country full of Neanderthals, I wear it as a f***in' badge of honor.

Buggy Ding Dong:
I will rise again like a Phoenix... or some other town in Arizona.

Angelo Pike:
Buggy!

Buggy Ding Dong:
Angelo!

Angelo Pike:
I thought you cleaned up.

Buggy Ding Dong:
Sure I cleaned up... half the poppies in Asia!

Buggy Ding Dong:
I always had the hots for you. Wanna see my buggy bumper?

Sheldon:
I loved Buggy Ding-Dong!

Nora:
So did I, until he discovered the joys of Turkish black mule heroin.

Randolph:
Friends come in all sizes/ That's a fact, it's true/ All the colours of rainbow/ From mauve to blue/ The names are different/ The shoes don't match/ Some like to toss/ And others to catch/ One might say grass while the other says snatch/ Because... friends come in all sizes/ Take it from me/ Golly gee/ Size doesn't matter/ When you want some friendly patter/ From a pal who is true/ And will lift you up when you're blue/ You can count on him/ He can count on you/ It's true/ It's true/ Friends come in all sizes!/

Randolph:
Yes, they do!

[Randolph mentions his long-ago affair with Nora]

Nora:
That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.

Randolph:
And limber.

[Merv gets kidnapped by the mob]

Merv Green:
It was a mistake! An honest mistake! I only did it to help the children!

Tommy Kotter:
You like kids, eh?

Merv Green:
Yes!

Tommy Kotter:
You like fairy tales, then?

Merv Green:
Yeah!

Tommy Kotter:
Jimmy, tell him the one about the worthless prick that got his head chopped off with an axe.

Reporter:
How does it feel to be the most hated man in America?

Randolph:
In this country full of neanderthals, I wear it as a f***ing badge of honor.

Reporter 2:
Nora Wells says you have an unhealthy obsession with Mopes.

Randolph:
I barely know that b*tch, okay? And she's been down on everything but the Titanic. She spreads like cream cheese for Sheldon.

Reporter 3:
What about the rumors that you're mentally imbalanced?

Randolph:
WHO THE F*** SAID THAT?! THAT'S BULLSHIT!!! I'm not mentally imbalanced. I'm on the same dosage I've always been.

[As Randolph and Buggy dangle from a ceiling catwalk]

Randolph:
Let go of me you F***ING JUNKIE!

[As Buggy loses his grip, plummeting to his death]

Buggy:
I never saw Venice!

Randolph:
I'm a fraud. I'm a wicked man who's done some wicked acts.

Sheldon:
Well, it's like the song says... [flips the gun's cylinder in place] We all have our bad days.

Rainbow Randolph:
[after getting egged] I've been shot! I'm bleeding! Salmonella! You're a lawyer! That's salmonella!

Rainbow Randolph:
[after being assaulted by Tommy and her henchmen] All right, you spudsucking fucks! I'm suing your Riverdance ass! [heavy Irish accent] I'm gonna send you all the way back home, eh?!

Rainbow Randolph:
[to Sheldon] Do not start with your magician's tricks, young Moses! I am Pharaoh! And you are my slave...and this is my kingdom! [starts singing to the tune of Old MacDonald Had a Farm] Rainbow Randolph is the man; Yes, oh, yes, he is! He's the king of Rainbowland; Yes, oh, yes, he is! With some fun, fun here and a laugh, laugh there, Here a dance, there a song; everything is fun, fun! Rainbow Randolph is the King [stars to cry] La, la, la, la...[covers his face]

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy:
[singing] Where can you go when skies turn grey? Where the sun always shines and the animals play? Where every day is a happy day? Well, Smoochy's here to show the way!

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy:
[singing] He slams the door, He stomps his feet, He sends me to bed with zilch to eat. But my step-dad's not mean, he's just adjusting.

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy:
There are a lot of kids and a lot of junkies out there who are counting on me.

Merv Green:
Wipe your forehead Frank, you got plenty of time to sweat.

Merv Green:
Eventually we all grow old and die, only sometimes the growing old part doesn't happen.