Defending Your Life

Bob Diamond:
Did we ever stop to think that this young boy had a bond with his father? I don't think it had anything to do with the friend. I just think Daniel couldn't lie to his dad. That's all.

Lena Foster:
You're nodding, Mr. Miller. Does that mean you agree with Mr. Diamond?

Daniel Miller:
Oh, yes. I had a bond with my father. I pretty much never lied to him.

Lena Foster:
You never lied to your father? Would you like me to show you at least 500 examples?

Daniel Miller:
I said "pretty much" never lied. I didn't say I never, ever lied. You have to lie sometimes... in an emergency. But, ah, it doesn't mean the bond is affected. If you've got the bond the bond is always there, and if you have to lie occasionally you're not going to interfere with the bond. You know, the bond can wait for a little lie and... in the end it's there for you. You know, sometimes in the middle of a lie I found that the bond would kick in... maybe squeeze a little truth out.

Bob Diamond:
Psst, wrap it up.

Daniel Miller:
I'm through.

Daniel Miller:
So, you're great people to work with, this is a great present, and I wish I could squeeze you all into one pretty woman. And if you'd like to go to my office, I'll try.

Daniel Miller:
Why do you drive this?

Jeep Owner:
What?

Daniel Miller:
I'm curious. I see people driving these things. What do you know that I don't? Are floods coming? Hoover Dam broke? What's going on?

Jeep Owner:
I like this car.

Daniel Miller:
It's not a car, it's a battering ram. This is what Patton drove: "Hey you, soldier! Follow us!"

Jeep Owner:
Make fun, but in an 8.5 earthquake, you'll beg for a Jeep.

Daniel Miller:
In an 8.5 earthquake, I'll beg for a coffin.

Daniel Miller:
Is this Heaven?

Bob Diamond:
No, it isn't Heaven.

Daniel Miller:
Is it Hell?

Bob Diamond:
Nope, it isn't Hell either. Actually, there is no Hell. Although I hear Los Angeles is getting pretty close.

Comedian:
How'd ya die?

Arthur:
I was in a coma.

Comedian:
I'm sorry. How long were you in the coma?

Arthur:
I really don't know.

Comedian:
Let's play a game, Art. Elvis: living or dead?

Arthur:
Living.

Comedian:
Long coma, Art. Long coma.

Comedian:
Well, there's a nice-looking young man over there. Hi, how'd ya die?

Daniel Miller:
On stage, like you.

Daniel Miller:
What is this?

Julia:
It's my hotel.

Daniel Miller:
This is your hotel?

Julia:
Yeah. Where are you staying?

Daniel Miller:
Obviously at the place for people that weren't very generous and didn't adopt anybody. I'm at the Continental. Come over one day; we'll paint it.

Julia:
Do you have a hot tub in your room?

Daniel Miller:
No... why? Do you?

Julia:
No! No... it's more like a... it's not even really a hot tub. Y'know, really it just has holes in it...

Daniel Miller:
You don't have to protect my feelings. It's okay if you've got a got tub.

Julia:
Oh... well then I do!

Julia:
The best hot dogs in Judgement City are supposed to be over by the Hall of Records.

Daniel Miller:
You really love this eating thing, don't you?

Julia:
To be able to eat as much as you want, never gain an ounce and feel great. Please.

Shirley MacLaine:
Welcome to the Past Lives Pavilion.

Bob Diamond:
For example, I use forty-eight percent of my brain. Do you know how much you use?

Daniel Miller:
Forty... seven?

Bob Diamond:
[laughs] Three.

Old lady on bus:
[noticing Daniel] Ooh, so young... AIDS?

Daniel Miller:
Oh, no... car accident.

Club Comedian:
And you sir. How did you die?

Daniel Miller:
On stage, like you.

Bob Diamond:
Your honors, Miss Foster and I have had this argument for a long time. I think the act itself is what's important, but she wants to keep enlarging it until everything loses its meaning. If I fix the flat tire on your car, and two years later I lose your garden hose, according to you I'm not going to get any credit for the flat, I'm just a dumb guy who lost the hose!

Lena Foster:
What did you finally invest in, Mr. Miller, do you remember?

Daniel Miller:
[under his breath] Um, uh... cattle.

Lena Foster:
And what happened to the cattle?

Daniel Miller:
I don't know; I never got a straight answer. All I know is that their teeth fell out.

Daniel Miller:
You have to be okay with yourself before you can ever be okay with anyone else

Daniel Miller:
I was driving to work this morning thinking I will be here, in two months, it'll be ten years. And, you're like my real family. Isn't that tragic? [laughter] I got a call from my mother this morning to wish me a Happy Birthday, and hinted around the fact that I wasn't making enough money, if you can call, 'Are you still making that same salary, honey?' a hint. [laughter] And my ex-wife used to say the same thing, although she never used the word 'honey'. [laughter] So, maybe in three years I can double my income?... Four years? Okay. So, you're great people to work with, and this is a great present, and I wish I could squeeze all of you into one pretty woman. [laughter] And if you'd like to go to my office, I'll try. [laughter] Thanks a lot.

Tagline:
The first true story of what happens after you die.