Dennis Miller Live

Dennis Miller:
Al D'Amato is a waste of an apostraphe.

Dennis Miller:
[to Dr. Jocelyn Elders] How ironic that masturbation was the topic that caused you to get fired from Washington by a bunch of jagoffs.

[repeated line]

Dennis Miller:
Of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

[repeated line]

Dennis Miller:
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here...

[last lines of every show]

Dennis Miller:
Guess what, folks? That's the news, and I am out of here.

Dennis Miller:
[on Jocelyn Elders' comment about teaching masturbation in high school] Masturbation needs to be taught in high school like holding your breath needs to be taught in diving class.

Dennis Miller:
[first lines after his first Monday Night Football gig] Oh, f***, f***, f***, f***, f***, f***, f***ety-f***, f***, *f****! It's so good to be home.

Dennis Miller:
They say life begins at 40. Yeah, if you're the f***in' Highlander.

Dennis Miller:
If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

Dennis Miller:
Amtrak announced this week that they plan to install cable TV into their sleeper births. Great. So now you can watch your derailment live on CNN.

Dennis Miller:
William Kelly, the founder of the Kelly Girl temp service, has died this week. His last words were, "Hey, could somebody please sign my time card?"

Dennis Miller:
Cheez Whiz is not something you eat, it's something you consult a urologist over. [after the crowd's reaction] You'll never eat it again, will you?

Dennis Miller:
[on a picture of a guy on a motorcycle with a cat riding on top of his helmet] Alright we got three on this one; [as the cat] "Hey man, pull over, I gotta use the sandbox." Or, "Burt Reynolds got a new hairpiece this week." Or, "HELMETS are for PUSSIES!"

Dennis Miller:
[his caption for a picture of George W. Bush speaking, while then-Michigan governor John Engler is looking down with his hands about 3 inches from each other, apparently caught in the act of clapping] While George W. Bush is speaking in Michigan about the economy, governor John Engler shows his assistant how much bacon he wants on his BLT.

Dennis Miller:
[repeated line from 1994-1996 seasons] Alright. Who fed it and who ate it this week?

Dennis Miller:
[repeated line from the 1997 season on] Alright, what's new in the world this week?

Dennis Miller:
Gingrich also told reporters this week that he likes to attend movies as often as he can. When asked what films he's seen lately, the Speaker said Little B*tches. I mean Little Women. [audience jeers] You know he said it.

Dennis Miller:
Bjork: The other crazy meat.

Dennis Miller:
If they made a replica of Bill Clinton out of margarine, banana peels, and WD-40, it would still be less slippery than the original.

George Carlin:
F*** these people, these humans, let they do their thing, I'll watch, it's fun. I'm out here, I have no stake in the outcome anymore. I don't care what happens to you. I don't care what happens to your country, I don't care what happens to your species, you go get f***ed, because it's fun to watch you destroy each other.

George Carlin:
I can't wait to the Middle East really explodes. Ancient hatreds on modern weapons, my kind of show, man!

Dennis Miller:
What do you think about gays in the military? Any thoughts on that

George Carlin:
I don't know, a lot of soldiers complain about this, these hetero soldiers, they don't want that. More p*ssy for me! You go to town, if half the guys are gay, there's more p*ssy for the heteros! What were they thinking about?

Dennis Miller:
[during the same week, Michael Jackson's wife and Melissa Etheridge's partner gave birth to kids] Julie Cypher, the girlfriend of Melissa Etheridge, became the mother of a baby girl, and folks, that's the *normal* birth this week!

Dennis Miller:
If Frank Capra took a look at today's Washington, Mr. Smith would've stayed home.