Destroy All Humans!

Silhouette:
Fool... do you think America is the only civilization on this planet?

Cryptosporidium:
Well, all the Americans seem to think so. At least, the ones I scanned.

Cryptosporidium:
[referring to the Majestic and the army] If any of those monkeys lay one hairy finger on me, I'll rip 'em a new a**hole!

Orthopox:
[in the Mothership, if left idle] Well, it's your electric bill. You could have thought to turn the console off. Haven't you ever heard of global warming?

Orthopox:
[in the Mothership, if left idle] Oh don't mind me, I'm only a fictional character in a simulated universe, after all. I have nothing better to do, really. I'm just made up of a bunch of electrons floating around your console, and a few hundred kilobytes of data stored on your DHS disk...

[shouts]

Orthopox:
Don't pay any attention to meeee!

[in reference to a cow]

Cryptosporidium:
But they're covered with nipples!

Orthopox:
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.

[Crypto is attempting to communicate with a cow]

Cryptosporidium:
[to himself] They eat with their mouths? Ugh! I think I'm going to be violently ill!

[he then speaks to the cow]

Cryptosporidium:
Attention, Earth creature. This planet is now part of the Furon Empire. Your benevolent masters welcome you.

Cow:
Moooooooooooo.

Cryptosporidium:
At this time, we wish to abduct you for the purpose of scientific research. The procedure will be protracted and invasive. Do you have any objections?

Cow:
MOOOOOOOOOOO.

Cryptosporidium:
Earth creature, I am addressing you! Respond or be vaporized!

[cow unloads its bowels]

Cryptosporidium:
I don't care how many stomachs you have, I don't have time for this!

Cryptosporidium:
Attention, humans: I am Cryptosporidium of the planet Furon. This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire... [steps on Silhouette's face] Resist THIS.

[first lines]

Narrator:
Hello, friends. Have you ever gazed up into the night sky and wondered at the possibility of life on other planets? What marvelous beings might exist out there, hands extended in friendship, awaiting the moment when we humans take our first tentative steps into space? What tales will be told of that glorious day when we are first contacted by our brothers from beyond the stars?

The Robo-Prez:
If elected, I promise to... Destroy All Furons!

Silhouette:
Credit is where credit's due, you defeated my beautiful Robo-Prez and I bet right now you're fantasizing about "destroying all the humans". Typical. Sure, you handled the boys: Armquist, Huffman... Ooh, that was a challenge. [laughs] But everybody knows which sex dominates *this* planet, and there's plenty of time to get your asses handed to you. That is, if you're not afraid to fight a girl.

Cryptosporidium:
No, no, I'm not hung up on the whole pudenda thing.

Silhouette:
So come on, Crypto. Let's dance. I'll even let you lead. I'm at the Octagon; don't keep me waiting.

President Huffman:
The truth is, America has been invaded though not by little green men, but red and the invaders are definitely of this Earth. America has been invaded by Communists.

Cop:
Attention, please step away from the flaming police officer. That is all, thank you for your cooperation.

Majestic Agent 1:
Subliminal TV messages. What will Majestic think of next?

Majestic Agent 2:
Search me.

Majestic Agent 1:
Do you have any idea what a rhetorical question is?

Majestic Agent 2:
Nope, not a clue.

Orthopox:
We can subjugate the humans to the reign of the Furon Empire. Hahahahaha... [cough] If you can bend the antenna in the direction of the Mothership me should be able to send the signal. That's the good news. The bad news is that for complex and highly technical reasons you have only three minutes to do this or very bad things will happen. Now let us never speak of it again. Now go out there and bend some rabbit ears!

Orthopox:
It's time to capture one of those men in... really... dark brown and give him a good probing. What do you say... up for a little fun?

Suburban Crazy:
I love Bert Whither, even though he called me a crackpot on that TV interview he said lukewarm fusion wouldn't work but I know it would if only I'd have gotten the funding but I didn't thanks to Bert Whither. Bastard.

Cop:
Like answers smart guy? What... is your name?

Majestic Agent 2:
Attention space freak. You have ten seconds to drop the weapons and hypnotise yourself into a coma. 10... 9... 8... 7654321 hot damn! Fire!

Rural Crazy:
I saw the finest minds of my generation consumed by madness. I also the feeblest minds of my generation cosumed by madness. There's nothing to howl about really.

Suburban Crazy:
I heard that the dolphins are doing a good job contacting the extraterrestrials. I heard that from the mice!

Orthopox:
[in the Mothership, if left idle] May I remind you that the name of this game is "Destroy All Humans", not SCREW AROUND IN THE MOTHERSHIP!

[hearing some pass gas as they get shot with an anal probe]

Farmer Turnipseed:
Shoo! I ain't heard anything like that since my Uncle Cletus injured himself at a post Thanksgiving party in '42.

[one of the many lines spoken by soldiers when they try to stop Crypto]

Soldier 1:
C'mon, you glory hounds! You wanna live forever? Let's stop that little Commie! Find him, neutralize him!

Farmer Turnipseed:
How does that explain those flyin' objects we see in the sky at night?

[One of the choices when Crypto is Holobobbed into the mayor of Rockwell]

Mayor:
It doesn't! Hahaha!

Orthopox:
[in the Mothership, if left idle] Why don't you hurry up and eat you fish and chips and watch your television!

Cryptosporidium:
[to Orthopox] You're a smart cookie. But there's a time for thought and a time for action! And this is one of those times!

Orthopox:
Which?

Cryptosporidium:
The second one!

Cryptosporidium:
[to Orthopox] What's shakin', Pox? You look a little... what's the word... constipated.

Cryptosporidium:
Don't get mad, get sadistic.

[if a mission is failed]

Orthopox:
Crypto!

Cryptosporidium:
[agitated] What?

[Silhouette is revealed to be a female]

Cryptosporidium:
You're a *chick*?

Silhouette:
I'm a patriot. If you had to put up with politicians playing grab-ass all day long, you'd wear a mask, too.

Cryptosporidium:
Me, I get my kicks the old-fashioned way: beatin' up bad monkeys.

Silhouette:
Funny. That's what Crypto-136 said. Of course, he was "a real cut-up", too.

Orthopox:
This human "Whither" says the President will appear before his subjects today. This "President" must be more integral to their social society than I expected. I have noticed a significant increase of activity surrounding the White House.

Cryptosporidium:
Right, just tell me where he is and what he looks like.

Orthopox:
I... er... the mothership's tracking system is broken. I think he uses those convoys of long black vehicles for transit.

Cryptosporidium:
You think?

Orthopox:
I can't exactly pinpoint the President from orbit, Crypto. It's not as if he walks around with a big red arrow over his head. I need you follow those vehicles so we can identify him!

American Scientist:
I'm working on something called the Internet but I'm worried it won't catch on.

Cryptosporidium:
[disguised] Aren't you jumping the gun here Armquist? That fire could have been started by rowdy teenagers. I did as much or worse in my day.

Head of the Marines:
He's right General. Kids these days lack discipline, but they're not Communists. I think you're making too big a deal out of this.

Orthopox:
Hmmm... passengers and compounds appear to made of carbon components. They must have gotten the soylent-green leather interior. Pricey option.

Shark Leader:
I don't know but I've been told/ Joe McCathy's good as gold!

Cryptosporidium:
So, waving the white flag, huh? All the monkeys got together, scratched their heads, accepted the inevitable?

Silhouette:
That sense of humor, just like your...

Cryptosporidium:
Like my what?

Silhouette:
Er, file. Your dossier, Crypto; Said you were quite the joker.

Cryptosporidium:
I think I never told you my name.

Silhouette:
No, I suppose I have your brother to thank for that.

Sleepy Ernst:
Soon I'll prove the human mind can be controlled by televised propaganda and then I'll start my own cable news network! Where the heck are those Majestic Agents? America ain't gonna brainwash itself!

Orthopox:
We cannot allow Sleepy Ernst to turn humanity into his own supply of science guinea-pigs! They should be OUR guinea-pigs! Vaporise him Crypto!

President Huffman:
As long as I live I'll never forget the look on that aliens face... squeal Crypto 136, squeal like a pig! And he did dammit! [he is vaporised]

Majestic Agent 2:
Did you see what I saw?

Majestic Agent 1:
You bet your sweet ass I did. What did you see?

Majestic Agent 2:
Little green man in a flying saucer wiping out the best infantry unit in the U.S. Army.

Majestic Agent 1:
Right. Good. Me, too. Green, not gray?

Majestic Agent 2:
Don't be a stiff. Do you know what it means?

Majestic Agent 1:
Absolutely. What?

Majestic Agent 2:
It means the papers got it right for once. Get on the horn to Silhouette. We've got the worst case scenario.

Orthopox:
Quick, he's heading to the white building! No, the OTHER white building! The one with the tall, ugly fellow with the beard! I think he's Amish or something!

Cryptosporidium:
Man, I love the smell of presidential brains in the morning.

Orthopox:
Just shut up and remember who set that presidential foetus of destruction upon you!

Cryptosporidium:
Riiight...

Orthopox:
You know who I mean.

Cryptosporidium:
Oh, that Silhouette guy, right? Or chick?

Orthopox:
Would you do me a favor and NOT creep me out?

Cryptosporidium:
Sure.

Orthopox:
Crypto, it's an ambush! Circle the wagons! Throw me a shotgun! Get the womenfolk inside! Oh... I must stop watching human television. Ah, screw it. Destroy them all!

Mayor:
Now that you are all here I'd like to say er... please stay in your homes.

Cop:
Nightstick, check, taking bribes from local gangster, check! Sense of moral superiority over fellow citizens, check! Time to arrest me some peeps!

Cryptosporidium:
A Cryptosporidium captured by a bunch of monkeys! We gotta go in, we gotta crack some craniums. I've gotta rescue me - him - he's gotta rescue me - I mean we gotta - I gotta - brains, man - WHEN DO I GET TO BLOW THINGS UP?

Mayor:
[someone asks about glowing cows] Why do you think they're glowing, they've been probed!

Rural Male:
That's a stinking lie! I would never touch a cow like that!

Orthopox:
Crypto, those humans are trying to destroy the film! Kill the bastards! Have they no respect for art?

Urban Crazy:
The end is nigh! Really, really nigh!

Silhouette:
You're probably watching... gloating.

Cryptosporidium:
Pretty much.

Orthopox:
It seems only fair.

Suburban Crazy:
Pardon my impertinence but uh, are you an alien?

Cryptosporidium:
How'd ya guess?

Suburban Crazy:
Oh my prayers have been answered! On behalf of all the nations of the Earth let me welcome you, brother from another planet!

Cryptosporidium:
Thanks, it means a lot to me.

Orthopox:
Enough chit chat! Where is Bert Whither,crackpot human?

Suburban Crazy:
You want Bert Whither? I'll take you to him.

Cryptosporidium:
Perfect.

Orthopox:
Here's the keys, now do try and bring it back in one piece double O... I mean Crypto.

Majestic Agent 1:
Why does Silhouette give me these jobs? I wonder if it's because I hit on her at the Christmas party... Oh, wait, no one's supposed to know Silhouette's a chick. Scratch that thought.

[if the scientist leading Crypto to Bert Whither is killed]

Orthopox:
Oh no! The crackpot is dead. Now you have no choice, you have to find Bert Wither on your own!

Psi G-Man:
One... plus... one... equal... window! Hurr hurr hurr.

Cow:
Mooo... er... brains!

Orthopox:
Brains? Healthy green glow? Those human fools! Clearly they've genetically altered those pathetic gasbags and turned them into RADIOACTIVE EXPLODING ZOMBIE COWS! Show them the folly of their mad science!

Farmer's Wife:
[seeing Crypto] Aaagh! Little green space men!

Cryptosporidium:
I am not green.

Worker 1:
L-L-Little green men!

Cryptosporidium:
Not again! Colorblind morons.

[he aims his disintegrator ray gun at the worker]

Cryptosporidium:
Die, pea-brain!

[but the gun doesn't work]

Cryptosporidium:
Hey, where's the... What did you do with my clip, monkey boy?

Worker 1:
Phew!

Cryptosporidium:
So much for wholesale carnage. I guess I'll just have to settle for ripping your limbs off one by one with my bare hands, until I find it. With my bare hands!

Worker 1:
AAAAAAAAAAGH!

Suburban Male 1:
What a great guy. He must really love pool parties. [Crypto scans the Mayor]

Mayor:
You'd think with all the power I have in this town I could ban these stupid pool parties.

Cop:
Now If only I could find a cowboy, an Indian and a construction worker I could form that new singing group down at the village. What would we call ourselves I wonder? The City People, The Village folk or something...

General Armquist:
So you didn't want to destroy us?

Cryptosporidium:
No, we were as scared as you. Deep in our hearts I think we wanted to be just like you.

General Armquist:
I guess... at the end of the day we really are just... human beings.

Cryptosporidium:
Psyche!

[he shoots Armquist]

Rural Male:
...every one o' them dang cows, and then look like it stuck some sorta device up the poor things...

Fair Worker:
...claptrap, and after all that I didn't even get to see Miss Rockwell; she just walked right on by, with her...

Rural Female:
...crops laid out flat in circles like a Fourth-of-July pinwheel! I told Edgar, there goes our savings; no new shoes for the twins, and I guess Darlene's just gonna have to live another year with that overbite...

Mayor:
Greetings my fellow agricultural engineers. Everything is normal. Return to your pathetic human lives.

Suburban Female:
If only there were some way to electronically facilitate the private viewing of illicit photography, like some sort of computing device with a screen. Ah, it'll never happen.

Urban Female:
Eat your heart out, Hepburn! I can have breakfast with my man at a jewelery store whenever I want to!

Orthopox:
They've sent in their cyborgs! Can Steve Austin be far behind?

Orthopox:
Crypto, the 'dudes in dark' have found your saucer. I think they're meaning to destroy it this time! I'm no expert in human explosives, but I think there are enough there to breach the hull! That could destroy the entire city!

Orthopox:
Now that their President is dead, the human senators are voting for a new President and the vote is agonisingly close!

Cryptosporidium:
Doesn't the Vice President automatically become President?

Orthopox:
Just shut up and kill those senators before they get to the Capitol!

Orthopox:
I detect military units approaching from the south... with my military unit detecter-o-tron! Oh, just take my word for it!

Orthopox:
Oh no, they're at the main gate again!

Cryptosporidium:
What's the good news?

Orthopox:
Er... this time they're more heavily armed?

Cryptosporidium:
Oh goody...

Orthopox:
[to Crypto] Shall I tell you a secret? Few of our people know this, but the DNA patterns in our cloning banks are becomming more and more degraded with each new clone.

Cryptosporidium:
That's bad, right?

Orthopox:
Only if we want to attain our immortality through cloning. OF COURSE IT'S BAD!

Police Radio:
Possible Communist activity reported in the area. All units are on the lookout for any Communist activity.

Suburban Crazy:
So there were these astronauts on a star trek in a galaxy far, far away, but they turned out to be DAMN DIRTY APES! YOU MANIACS!

Scientist 1:
I fervently hope that we never need to use this fearsome instrument of death... On the other hand, if we do, it's gonna look wicked cool!

Orthopox:
Now, Crypto, to ensure this invasion runs smoothly it is imperative we identify the dominant life forms on this world. Those lactating bovoids are likely candidates.

Cryptosporidium:
Surely you don't mean those foul-smelling gasbags beyond the fence?

Orthopox:
Yes, I'm afraid I do.

Cryptosporidium:
But they're covered in nipples!

[after being shot with the anal probe]

Suburban Female:
Ooh! That doesn't hurt so much, maybe Bob was right.

[thinking]

Cop:
To serve and protect, to serve and protect, to serve and protect, to swerve and defect - to curve and perfect - Damn it I lost it!

[thinking]

Rural Female:
Feelin' wild today. Maybe I'll try ridin' that thing bareback.

[thinking]

Cop:
My mind says Marilyn, but my nightstick says Bettie Page.

[thinking]

Suburban Female:
My mind says Rock Hudson but my body says Doris Day. Ooh, how saucy of me.

[thinking]

Suburban Male 1:
My mind says Huffmann, but my stomach says Eisenhower. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I bet Ike tastes like a cheeseburger.

Cryptosporidium:
Snack time!

Orthopox:
[after Crypto scans Sleepy Ernst] We cannot allow the human race to be Sleepy Ernst's experimental guinea pigs! They should be *our* guinea pigs!

Cryptosporidium:
It's probin' time!

[thinking]

Cop:
Bill of Rights? Who the hell needs a Bill of Rights? I'm Bill, and I'm right!

[thinking]

Rural Male:
I can feel my arteries cloggin' up right this second. And I like it!

Cryptosporidium:
Silhouette, I presume. You don't look like a general.

Silhouette:
You don't look like a little green man.

Cryptosporidium:
*Thank* you.

Soldier 1:
[thinking] Olive this, khaki that. What the hell's wrong with fuchsia?

[Crypto has scanned a cow]

Cow:
Moo.

Orthopox:
"Moo"? Primitive, yet profound. Scan another one.

Scientist 1:
[referring to a nuclear bomb] This device could kill a million Communists in the blink of an eye. Papa would be so proud!

[thinking]

Rural Crazy:
My mind says pistachio, but my body says rocky road. My stomach says peanut brittle! Ha!

Soldier 1:
[when lifted by Crypto] If I wanted to fly, I'd have joined the freakin' Air Force!

Silhouette:
[thinking] All this power, yet I still make 76 cents for every dollar a man makes.

Silhouette:
Robo-Prez! Dirty tricks mode!

Orthopox:
Alright Crypto. I've analyzed the data that you've collected, and I've found the perfect candidate for you to...

Cryptosporidium:
Probe and vaporize?

Orthopox:
No, abduct and bring back to the mothership.

Cryptosporidium:
My way's more fun.

Orthopox:
Abduct. Not vaporize.

Cryptosporidium:
Okay, but humanity ain't gonna annihilate itself, all I'm saying.

Orthopox:
Can I finish?

Cryptosporidium:
Can I stop you?

Rural Female:
Well, now hold on! How come people in Santa Modesta haven't experienced anything like this yet?

Mayor:
[Crypto in disguise] Because we're real Americans and they're not. Next.

Air Force General:
General Armquist, good of you to come. Thought you might have been too busy doing damage control in California.

General Armquist:
Never too busy to see the Air Force fall flat on its face, Jack.

Majestic Agent 2:
Polly wanna goddamn cracker?

Silhouette:
[thinking] Hmm... what am I doing tonight? Oh yeah, the same thing I'm doing every night: TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Soldier 1:
[thinking] Audie Murphy is a p*ssy. Now, John Wayne, that's a man's man.

Orthopox:
I've sent Crypto-136 in search of a planet we visited many eons ago. A planet seeded with Furon DNA. But I lost contact.

Cryptosporidium:
Let me get this straight: you sent me... er, him... Crypto-136 to a "hostile planet", and he's disappeared. Maybe captured. Maybe even being tortured as we speak.

Orthopox:
Well, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.

Cryptosporidium:
I bet you wouldn't.

[last lines]

Narrator:
And so the world breathes a sigh of relief; the threat of alien invasion proved a false alarm. As for those who scan the skies for a real visit from outer space, they may be in for a very long wait. Perhaps the lesson is that we should turn our gaze inward, remembering that man's worst enemy is often... himself.

[Crypto has defeated Silhouette]

Silhouette:
[weakly] You BEAT me... I can't... believe... you actually... BEAT me!

Cryptosporidium:
They never do. You know, you don't look so hot.

Silhouette:
Majestic will... never give up... the struggle... to RESIST... YOU... ALIEN... FREAKS!

Cryptosporidium:
Struggle's over, babe. Furons: one; humans: zipperooni.

Orthopox:
[in the Mothership, if left idle] Take a step outside the Mothership. There's a whole planet filled with humans just waiting to be stepped on!

Orthopox:
Awww! How cute! The Robo-Prez is all hurt, and he's taking his brain stem and heading home! Poor little Robo-Prez! Everybody's so mean to him! [shouting] FOLLOW HIM TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND CRUSH HIM LIKE A TIN CAN IN A TRASH COMPACTOR!

Orthopox:
Crypto! That human law enforcement officer is attempting an unauthorized entry of your spacecraft! If those pea-brains were to get their hands on your Quantum Deconstructor, they could rip a hole in the space-time continuum! Oh, the Furonity! Vaporize them, Crypto!

Soldier 1:
[seeing Crypto in Area 42] No children allowed here!

Suburban Female:
[thinking] If my kitchen is not the cleanest and shiniest in this whole town, I'll crush anyone who disagrees... with my dainty manicured fist.

Suburban Male 1:
[thinking] It's like we traveled to a future where TV was in color, and they made a program of our happy days in Santa Modesta.

Cop:
[thinking] What would Eliot Ness do? Never carry a knife to a gunfight? No, that's not it.

Farmer Turnipseed:
[firing his shotgun at Crypto] Say hello to my little friend!

Farmer Turnipseed:
[thinking] I wonder what's for dinner tonight. Oh, yeah, steak. I want a salad! Is that so wrong?

Orthopox:
[referring to zombie cows] They must have gathered them for study. Can't imagine what they hope to learn.

[Crypto is about to protect both the two transmitter towers and the broadcast it will air from the army]

General Armquist:
Regiments two and four, form up the main junction. One and three, take the flank. Attack waves, target the infrastructure! I want those comm towers out of commission!

[the soldiers all level their guns toward the towers]

General Armquist:
Support waves, your task is simple: destroy the Communist insurgents holding the television station. No beet-eating, vodka-swilling, Trotskyite son of a b*tch is gonna hijack this great nation's God-given airwaves, not on my watch! CHARGE!

[the army charges toward Crypto and the towers]

Soldier 1:
[thinking] Don't ask, don't tell. Works for me.

Silhouette:
Armquist, you want to explain to me why our troops are abandoning Area 42?

General Armquist:
They're not leaving, they're regrouping. Everything's under control.

Silhouette:
Really? So the airfield hasn't been destroyed by one of our own nukes?

General Armquist:
It's that Commie spy from Santa Modesta! He got in somehow and messed with one of our experiments. Don't worry, I'll catch him!

Silhouette:
That's what you said in Santa Modesta. Frankly, General, I'm beginning to question your resolve.

General Armquist:
Oh, I'm resolved all right. That explosion was meant to take me out!

Silhouette:
You're saying this Communist spy has a personal vendetta against you?

General Armquist:
Maybe you don't get the mindset we're up against!

Silhouette:
No, no, General, I'm taking you very seriously. The President should hear this. Get back to Capitol City.

General Armquist:
I don't take orders from you!

Silhouette:
In this matter, I speak for the President. You know that.

General Armquist:
[hanging his head; sighs] Majestic...

Orthopox:
Now then, I know what you're thinking: what can I, a lowly novice, do to help bring about the destruction of Earth and the inevitable reign of the Furon Empire? Well, I'll tell you. It was in the earliest days of the empire we realized our species was doomed. Eons of waging war on inferior races with unregulated atomic weaponry had mutated our genes. We could not propagate due to a complete and utter lack of genitalia. Fortunately, a Furon ship happened upon Earth on its way back from destroying the Martians. Human society was young and... nubile. Sailors on a foreign planet, letting off steam, one thing led to another. Long story short: every human being alive today has buried deep in his genetic code a strand of Furon DNA. Over the eons, we've learned to clone ourselves, but with each iteration, the information degrades, and the results are increasingly... unpredictable. The Furon genes in humanity's DNA are ancient, uncorrupted. They represent the future of the Furon race. If only we can get at them...

Orthopox:
[Crypto has bent all of the television antennae] Cross your pods. Here we go. Beginning transmission... [the antennae start to shake] Furon signal downlink successful! Oh, this is smashing! All right, I'm increasing the power... [the antennae now shake very fast and more violently] Wait! Crypto! The signal is too strong! Humans are weak! Their minds can't take that kind of amplitude! Quickly, Crypto, you've got to bend the antennae before they... [suddenly, the humans' heads all explode]

Orthopox:
Oh, that has to hurt. Eww. Disgusting! [the humans' heads continue to explode] Crypto? Crypto! Where did you go?

Cryptosporidium:
[running down a street as the screen goes black] Snack time!

Orthopox:
We are living in a material world, Crypto, and I am a material... err, Furon.

Bert Whither:
[thinking] That Rock Hudson... what a dreamboat... Did I just think that? Ummm... uh, lumberjacks... uh, football... Ah, that's better.

Orthopox:
There's a sucker born every minute! But I had mine removed.

Orthopox:
What we need to do is find the dumbest most malleable human in the area. Admittedly, the competition will be fierce. You'll just have to scan them all!

Soldier 1:
[thinking] I want to be just like Sergeant York. Or Gomer Pyle.

[one of the many lines spoken by soldiers when they try to stop Crypto]

Soldier 1:
Batten down the hatches! We're gonna have a firefight on our hands! We have to find that little Commie and take him down!

Orthopox:
No DNA, no upgrade. Them's the rules, partner.

Cop:
[thinking] I wanna ride a motorcycle! How come I never get to ride a motorcycle? Motorcycle cops have ALL the fun!

Scientist 1:
Wait a minute. What if E=MC cubed? My god! I just saw the hole in my pants by looking around the curvature of space and time!

Suburban Male 1:
So this is what Thoreau meant by "a life of quiet desperation". Thanks a lot, you limey bastard.

Mayor:
[Crypto in disguise] Greetings, fellow human agricultural engineers. Nothing is going on. Everything is normal. Continue with your pathetic human lives. That is all.

Bert Whither:
[broadcasting from the SMCBS station] SMCBS will bring you further news as it unfolds. Good day, John and Jane America, from north to south, from sea to shining sea. This is Bert Whither, coming to you live from a secure SMCBS studio at an undisclosed location of America's sunshine capital, Santa Modesta, with a special news bulletin. For years, America has been a beacon of hope to the world. But today comes disturbing proof: our very way of life is under attack! Our great nation devoured from within by a malignant tumor of corruption! Yes, you heard it here first. The very heart of power in the United States of America is now cancerous! Its malevolent might, bent to a crooked will! The insidious nature of this cancer, right after a word from our sponsor. [later] Unease sweeps the country like a fever! Police flout civil liberties, arrest people without cause, even brazenly engage in criminal and unconstitutional behavior! I have here a secret affidavit, signed by the chief of the Santa Modesta police department, attesting not only to the existence of these abuses, but to their orchestration by an agency of our own federal government! Up to now, many Americans believed such a thing could never happen here in the land of liberty. But happen it has! More to come, after these commercial messages. [later] The federal agency behind the new terror on our streets, the terror of cops gone bad! But if power is corrupt, what of the government responsible? SMCBS has acquired extensive documentary footage: shadowy agents in reasonably-priced black suits in Rockwell, Santa Modesta, even Capitol City, shown here abducting innocent citizens in unmarked black sedans! No arrest records exist, yet to date, over eleven hundred people have disappeared, their families kept in the dark, and still the U.S. government remains silent! It refuses to acknowledge these abductions ever took place! Why has our government deserted us? Stay tuned! [later] We have only a few moments until the army destroys our building. They're deploying tanks and - Good Lord, giant robots! We cannot survive for long! But in these moments, I want to share a new hope. SMCBS correspondents have uncovered something incredible! For the first time in history, proof that an alien race has visited Earth, and apparently, repeated attempts to communicate their message, to "befriend all humans". Tragically, these gentle, intelligent creatures are being systematically exterminated by government agencies. Are these interstellar ambassadors our last hope for a peaceful human future? Could they help us take back America? May providence smile upon us all! This is Bert Whither saying goodbye!

Mayor:
[thinking] I, ah, hope no one notices I have women's panties on.

Rural Female:
Hold onto your hats, boys, I'm going commando!

Cryptosporidium:
[discovering that the crashed UFO is gone] The monkeys must've hitched the ship up to their donkeys and dragged it back to their mud village so they could worship it as a god.