Dick Turpin

Dick Turpin:
You dropped fifty guineas. [Swiftnick nods]

Dick Turpin:
By heaven, Swiftnick, that was a costly pint of ale.

Sir John Glutton:
You despicable rogue!

Isaac Rag:
No traitor though, am I, Sir John? Not a traitor.

Sir John Glutton:
Rookham has many secrets, master Rag, and most of them are far to clever for even such a subtle rogue as you.

Dick Turpin:
That's a very nice ring, eh? Where did you get that from, then, eh?

Isaac Rag:
Eh, heirloom. Oh, precious heirloom given to me by my old gran, when I was a little winkle. Yeah, lovely old lady she was, my old gran.

Dick Turpin:
I see, Isaac, eh, Sir John Glutton is your granny, then, is he?

Sir John Glutton:
Come to the point, sir.

Dick Turpin:
The point, Sir John, the point is to bring you to justice, which is long overdue.

Sir John Glutton:
It's going to be a jot difficult, ain't it? You're still the most wanted man in England.

Dick Turpin:
That's what makes it such a challenge.

Dick Turpin:
I don't want you're money, I know where you got it from. By taxing your tennants till they starved.

Sir John Glutton:
Spare me that moralistic tittle-tattle! Name your price!

Dick Turpin:
A ticket to your execution.

Swiftnick:
All locked. What'll we do, fight our way out?

Dick Turpin:
Oh, no, no, we'll let them fight their way in! How's Sir John?

Swiftnick:
Shaking like a leaf!

Dick Turpin:
Look at 'em. Two of a kind.

Swiftnick:
What'd you mean?

Dick Turpin:
Well, you scratch my back, Colonel de Coursey and I'll scratch yours.

Gill Crabtree:
Lad Edward, it's Dick Turpin!

Joss Melford:
[in awe] Oh, the rogue! [pulls himself together, disdainfully] The rogue.

Catherine Langford:
And what about love?

Dick Turpin:
Love? Love is a very good wine. But not to be drank to often.

Dick Turpin:
She's not having Bess as a wedding gift.

Dick Turpin:
Why?

Edward Faversham:
Why, Turpin? Surely you know why? You humiliated me. Now you're going to pay for it. Meet Turncoat Kate, the cleverest Thief-taker in London.

Catherine Langford:
You've no right to mistreat him.

Edward Faversham:
[laughs] A Thief-taker with scrupeles. Don't preach now you've been paid, mistress hypocrite.

Catherine Langford:
They're going to torture him. What have we done, Peg?

Wimple:
So, the Thief-taker's fallen for the thief?

Catherine Langford:
[Dick is pointing his pistol at Kate] I thought you were a gentleman?

Dick Turpin:
I am a gentleman, Kate. A gentleman of the road. [drops the pistol and kisses her passionately]

Jane Harding:
Must you sail tonight?

Noll Bridger:
I must.

Jane Harding:
[sighs] I don't understand why it's so important to you.

Noll Bridger:
Jane, my man Saul can trance the British champion.

Jane Harding:
I'd rather trance Appleyard.

Noll Bridger:
Well, we all would.

Appleyard:
Oh, Bridger. [laughs heartily] Splendid creature, ain't she? [referring to a slave woman posing for a painting] Do you think I've caught her, Bridger? Do you reckon I've imortilized the little savage? Got to try, you know, gonna have a try.

Appleyard:
Well? What is it now?

Manservant:
The petition from the German immigrants, Sir Basil.

Appleyard:
German Immigrants? Get rid of them. Tell them to come back when they've learned the King's English.

Manservant:
But the King doesn't speak much English.

Appleyard:
Out!

Appleyard:
Why didn't you offer to take the papers?

Noll Bridger:
I did sir, I tried.

Appleyard:
You tried, you're becoming a trying fellow. I don't like the word 'tried' it has an ominous ring against it.

Lady Melford:
How did you become a highwayman?

Dick Turpin:
How did you become a lady?

Lady Melford:
[giggles] Cockscone! I married a lord.

Lady Melford:
[they kiss] They'll hang you some day, I suppose. Such a waste.

Dick Turpin:
Hmm. It is indeed.

Lady Melford:
[Turpin is in bed with Lady Melford when her husband arrives home] Lord Melford!

Dick Turpin:
Lord help us.

Isaac Rag:
Ohoh, Good afternoon, captain! Here and you too, young spark! Here, who's that decorated subject you got there then, eh?

[laughs]

Fytton:
I'll see you hanged for this, Turpin.

Jane Harding:
Don't I make a fine young fellow?

Noll Bridger:
You mad wench!

[they kiss]

Jane Harding:
It's a man's world, Noll, and I'm saver traveling as one. Besides, I'd have been blown over aboard in a skirt.

Dick Turpin:
Swiftnick, what I do with my snatch is my affair.

Swiftnick:
But if you don't give it away, you loose it at dice or throw it away on dollys. We could have been rich by now!

Dick Turpin:
You sound like a banker.

Dick Turpin:
Swiftnick, you take Bess again and I'll skewer you!

Jane Harding:
Don't you come near me.

Dick Turpin:
Now what are you doing trying to nick one of our nags?

Swiftnick:
Are all the women in America as talkative as you?

Dick Turpin:
[Jane does not answer] Must be paradise.

Jem Clanton:
It's been a long time, Dickie boy!

Jem Clanton:
Who's this?

Dick Turpin:
Oh, that's eh, Swiftnick. I'm... minding him for his mother.

Jem Clanton:
You remember Jerry Wilkinson?

Dick Turpin:
Yeah.

Jem Clanton:
Yeah, they hanged him.

[snickers]

Jem Clanton:
Drew a good crowd. Made a lovely speach. Lovely. And then, then... he picked the hangman's pocket!

[shrieks with laughter]

Jem Clanton:
What a jest! Oh, I could have died laughing. In fact, he did.

Noll Bridger:
I want those papers, Jane. They belong to the governor.

Jane Harding:
Ah, the governor. I was forgetting that you hobnobbed with Appleyard. Have you told him how the hearty wench loved you? How she's so besotted that she'll never suspect that you're spying on her father? It must have amused him, Noll. How he must have laughed. You're his puppet aren't you? His minion. Whistle for the papers, you turncoat!

Noll Bridger:
Are you so naive to think ridding Maryland of it's governor will bring Ameria one day nearer independence? This is 1740, Jane. The Brittish will rule America for another two hundred years.

Dick Turpin:
Forgive me, Mr. Bridger, for calling you a villain. I was mistaken. You're no villain, sir. You are a niggotly, sticking, scurvy, cowardly son of a sow. What do you say to that, sir?

Swiftnick:
I'm hungry.

Dick Turpin:
So you should be. Hungry as a hunter.

Dick Turpin:
You're not from these parts are you? [Jane, clad only in Turpin's cloak because her clothes are drying refuses to answer]

Dick Turpin:
Come on, where you from? [still no reply]

Dick Turpin:
Well, if you've lost you're tongue, you won't need my cloak. [makes a grab for it]

Jane Harding:
Maryland!

Swiftnick:
Where's is that?

Jane Harding:
America.

Dick Turpin:
Oh I see. Come over here to learn the language, have ya?

Noll Bridger:
How could you lose her?

Smith:
I didn't know she'd stick the coach, which was as dark as a cow's insides.

Noll Bridger:
[referring to Jane] Curse the wench!

Dick Turpin:
[referring to Saul, Bridger's slave] So a man can be bought, Bridger, can he, like a piece of furniture?

Noll Bridger:
Or a horse. Or a greyhound anything else I pay money for. What do you say?

Fytton:
Two triumphs, eh, Mr. Bridger? One Tom Cook of Bristol, and one Dick Turpin of nowhere in particular. By the by, what was the rumpus about?

[Bridger remains silent]

Fytton:
The fight sir, who provoked it?

Noll Bridger:
He insulted me.

Fytton:
Of course. It wouldn't be difficult.

Isaac Rag:
Well, I couldn't wish to be incarcerated with two nicer people than with what I am.

Swiftnick:
What was it for this time, Isaac?

Isaac Rag:
Pidgeon flying, my young spark.

Swiftnick:
Pidgeon flying? Well where's the harm in that?

Dick Turpin:
[a bit exasperated] Swiftnick, 'Pidgeon flying' is nicking lead of church roofs.

Dick Turpin:
You ride well for a wench.

Jane Harding:
And you, for a scoundrel.

Dick Turpin:
Right now mistress, we're not stirring from here until dark, so why don't you uncurdle your tongue and tell us your story, hm?

Jane Harding:
Who are you?

Dick Turpin:
A friend.

Jane Harding:
[skeptical] A highwayman?

Dick Turpin:
[acting slightly insulted] Gentleman of the road.

Ignatius Slake:
[to Jane] Yes... what have we here? Yes, yes, yes, brazen, brazen. [cackles] Lillith, Eve, Delilah, Salome...

Ignatius Slake:
Well, let's get on with the proceedings. Your name?

Dick Turpin:
Alexander the Great.

Ignatius Slake:
[angrily] I hold you in contempt! Alexander is dust, dust... Do you think I'm mad? Or perhaps you're mad, Mr. Alexander.

Dick Turpin:
Perhaps I am, my lord.

Ignatius Slake:
[singsong voice] Perhaps won't do, perhaps ain't good enough, perhaps won't save you.

Ignatius Slake:
Question number one: how do you catch a cold?

Dick Turpin:
Eh, I trap sneezes in a kerchief and use them as bait.

Ignatius Slake:
That's a good reply. How long is a piece of cheese?

Dick Turpin:
How long is it where, my lord?

Ignatius Slake:
Where, what?

Dick Turpin:
I find mountain cheese lasts much longer than stilton.

Ignatius Slake:
Careful, Mr. Alexander. How do you cure a ham?

Dick Turpin:
[laughs nervously] Oh my lord, I think you're trying to trick me. eh, ah, I would cure a ham if he were alive, but alas, poor nose sunday's passed all physic.

Ignatius Slake:
He has indeed, yes, he has indeed.

Dick Turpin:
I, Ignatius Slake sentence you, Alexander the false, to the running.

Isaac Rag:
[about Dick] How he ain't dead beats cockfightin'. A human firework, and half drownded he was. In water. That's the second of his nine lives gone, innit?

Isaac Rag:
Who's the little dolly, then, eh? What's her name?

Swiftnick:
Jane. Jane Harding.

Isaac Rag:
Yeah, What, is she and the captain... [rolls his eyes and pulls a face] Ah, well, where's she come from then?

Swiftnick:
She's an American.

Isaac Rag:
Ah, is she? I thought they all wore feathers. [laughs]

Dick Turpin:
My thanks, Isaac. No doubt we'll meet you again.

Isaac Rag:
Oh, it's inevitable, captain, diabolically inevitable.

Jane Harding:
Good bye, Isaac, and eh, [pats the horse he 'borrowed' for her] thanks.

Isaac Rag:
Goodbye, little white duck!

Dick Turpin:
Ladies, if you will - If you will listen to me for a moment, then I am all yours.

Mrs. Buskin:
Oh! All of us, he must be Hercules!

Dick Turpin:
What made you change your mind?

Swiftnick:
Well, if we don't hang together, we're gonna hang separately.

Dick Turpin:
[to Jane] You buzz like a bee round a cow turd.

Lord Melford:
Damn masquerade. All the guzzling young entities drinking me dry. I don't know the half of them, I don't want to know the other half.

Lord Melford:
What young buck are we chasing this evening? Are we tired of the American?

Lady Melford:
This is monstrous!

Lord Melford:
Did you have a good voyage?

Governor Appleyard:
Intolerable!

Lord Melford:
Oh, I have real sympathy for you. I'm a terrible sailor. Prefer a good nag.

Lord Melford:
[two ladies are having a pillow fight riding piggyback on two men] I'll wage twenty pounds on the strumpet in green!

Noll Bridger:
I'll accept the wager my lord, her horse is tiring!

Noll Bridger:
[Bridger has seen through Turpin's foppish disguise] You sir, are a cock's comb.

Dick Turpin:
Well then, my dear, you must be a Colonial cock's comb [the disguised Turpin and Fytton laugh but Bridger draws his sword]

Fytton:
Oh, put it away, Bridger!

Dick Turpin:
Yes, do put it away.

Lord Melford:
[to Appleyard] My God man, it's your kind that will lose us America!

Dick Turpin:
[sighs] America?

Jane Harding:
Why not? You could start a new life.

Dick Turpin:
Well I haven't finished this one yet.

Jane Harding:
With a new name...

Dick Turpin:
What's wrong with Turpin?

Jane Harding:
[having just escaped the law by jumping out of a window] Is it always like this?

Dick Turpin:
Hahaha, until we're caught!

Boy:
You poor little acorn, I can tell you don't understand a word I've been taking about. You a foreign 'un, are you? Froggy? Or more like a little tadpole? Heh! Parlez vous Frenchie? Sprechen sie der sprechen? Eh? Sprechen? No?

Boy:
Tod, tod.

Isaac Rag:
Todd?

Swiftnick:
Jerusalem!

Dick Turpin:
[about Barnaby] Well, he had no head for booze, did he, Poll, eh? One bottle, he's on the floor.

Isaac Rag:
[about the boy] Must be worth a bit, eh, Captain?

Dick Turpin:
Hm, he would be, Isaac, if you could claim it.

Isaac Rag:
You're lying. You pair of lying liars you!

Isaac Rag:
It's all up with us, here, the writings on the wall! 'Mene, mene, tekel ufarsin'.

Swiftnick:
What does that mean?

Isaac Rag:
That means you've been weighed in the balance and found wanted.

Swiftnick:
Yeah, well, you'll be found wanted if you don't stop your noise, couse I'll knock you're block off.

Isaac Rag:
Yeah?

Swiftnick:
Yeah!

Dick Turpin:
[Isaac Rag has slipped away] By heaven, sometimes I wish I'd never set eyes on you.

Swiftnick:
I'll catch him.

Dick Turpin:
Catch him? Catch him, you shiftless no-gooder? It's as black as a misers pocket out there and he's gone and you're to blame.

Duke Of Hesse:
Who is this creature?

Isaac Rag:
Rag, sir, Isaac Rag at your service, sir.

Duke Of Hesse:
Herr Turpin?

Dick Turpin:
Turpin will do, on it's own.

Duke Of Hesse:
On it's own, yeah, I understand. I'm afraid I cannot reward a highwayman. That would be quite impossible. This is the best I can offer: it is a pardon, the King would wish it.

Dick Turpin:
A pardon? [snickers] No, I think I'd rather hang.

Duke Of Hesse:
Then hang you will, there is no doubt about it.

Sir John Glutton:
Oh Spiker, you do have the oddest notions. Two Turpins? Why not a dozen? [chuckles] You can't get him out of your guts, can you Spiker? You've been hunting him for so long that now he's dead you feel quite deprived. He's dead and in hell. probably robbing the devil.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
I'll have you hanged!

Dick Turpin:
I've been hanged already.

Dick Turpin:
[Turpin is robbing Sir John Glutton] Something tells me this doesn't belong to you. [Glutton does not reply] And your rings!

Sir John Glutton:
By heaven!

Dick Turpin:
By heaven... do you think they'll let you in, eh?

Dick Turpin:
I'm gonna ruin Glutton and everyone round him. I shall wear them down like water dripping on a stone and I'll make my own justice.

Mrs. Smith:
Then make some for Nick. For you, and me and what we once... you know, the past.

Dick Turpin:
Anyway, master Nick Smith... No, Swiftnick.

Nicholas 'Swiftnick' Smith:
Swiftnick?

Dick Turpin:
Yeah, the king gave it to another famous highwayman, so now I'm giving it to you, couse you'll need all the luck going. Because I'm stuck with you whether I like it or not.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
The Sword is a gentleman's weapon, Turpin.

Dick Turpin:
Then why are you using it?

Dick Turpin:
Come on, we'll see Sam Morgan.

Swiftnick:
Who's he?

Dick Turpin:
He's a blacksmith. He made Bess a fine set of circular shoes didn't he girl, eh? [kisses his horse]

Swiftnick:
Circular?

Dick Turpin:
Yeah, so he can't be tracked. Don't know whether you're coming or going.

Sir John Glutton:
Have the villain whipped.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
I've had him whipped.

Sir John Glutton:
Then have him whipped again. Show a little innitiative. Don't you ever think yourself? Do I have to tell you everything?

Dick Turpin:
Do you wanna help me, Meg?

Meg:
Oh yes, please!

Sir John Glutton:
Where's Gregory?

Swiftnick:
[pointing his pistol at Glutton] Oh eh, I gave him the rest of the day off.

Sir John Glutton:
Who the devil are you?

Swiftnick:
[pulls down his scarf] Swift Nick.

Sir John Glutton:
Swift Nick? What the devil sort of name is that?

Dick Turpin:
Spiker, if you shoot me, you'll be looking for a new master. And after what happened today, nobody will want you.

Dick Turpin:
To your eternal damnation.

Sir John Glutton:
And your inevitable execution.

Sir John Glutton:
Damn it. I've been bitten by every flea in Hartfordshire!

Sir John Glutton:
By heaven, Spiker, if that rogue blows you apart, I'll pardon him on the spot.

Dick Turpin:
Ah, Swiftnick, Lord Luck rides with us today.

Isaac Rag:
My blessings on you, captain. And to you, young sparkler. May you have a bright and prosporous future. The both on ya. [laughs]

Dick Turpin:
I've had enough of you, Swiftnick. You charge around like a drunken Dragoon. You talk too much and you don't do as you're told. Take for instance last night...

Swiftnick:
But he was getting away!

Dick Turpin:
I told you to let him go!

Captain Nathan Spiker:
I need more men, Sir John.

Sir John Glutton:
No, Spiker, you need more cunning.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
I've a part I want you to play. It's not Cleopatra, but you could find it rewarding.

Jane Kelsey:
What part?

Captain Nathan Spiker:
A lady. A lady in distress.

Jane Kelsey:
What's the play?

Captain Nathan Spiker:
[Spiker pulls her towards the prisonbars roughly] The capture of Dick Turpin.

Sir John Glutton:
[as Jane Kelsey is dragged away kicking and screaming] Lord, what a noisy trollop.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
Well, I'll see you tomorrow at Hartford, Turpin, on the scaffold.

Dick Turpin:
I'll try to be there. Nathan.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
I'm sure you will.

Dick Turpin:
Thanks, Kate.

Kate Doyle:
Good fortune on the road.

Dick Turpin:
[scolding Swiftnick for having a big mouth] You'll fall down your own mouth one of these days.

Nightingale:
The price of wisdom is sometimes very painful. Good day, brothers.

Nightingale:
Upon thou belly shalt thou go and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy live.

Dick Turpin:
That's Genesis, isn't it?

Nightingale:
Aye, Genesis.

Dick Turpin:
And you know what comes after Genesis? Exodus. Go on! [indicates Nightingale should leave]

Nightingale:
Thou stiff necked son of Beelzebub.

Dick Turpin:
Oh, that's not very friendly, is it?

Nightingale:
Get thee hence.

Dick Turpin:
Well, there'll be no more collections for you, master Bible-banger, so you can throw away your hat. He that diggest a pit shall fall into it. That's one of my favourites.

Nightingale:
As dogs to their vomit, so do fools return to their folly.

Hogg:
I, Billy Hogg, being well known for my manhood and bravery, do challenge and invite Tom Bracewell of Bristol to...

Nightingale:
To fight me.

Hogg:
Yeah, to fight, to fight me in a place suited to both parties at a time and a day most fit.

Tom Bracewell:
I, Tom Bracewell shall not fail to meet this bold challenge and don't doubt that I shall make him repent his rash attempt. It shall be my earnest endeavour.

Abby:
You've seen the last of your swag and I'm a ruined woman.

Dick Turpin:
Well, that's common knowledge, isn't it?

Swiftnick:
Yeah, and half the men in the district take credit for it as well.

Swiftnick:
[Dr. Mandragola is gazing into the 'Eye of Solomon'] Can you see what's happened to Harry?

Dr. Mandragola:
I see... a man! A happy man.

Swiftnick:
Doesn't sound like Harry. What's he look like?

Dr. Mandragola:
The vision is... indistinct.

Dick Turpin:
Had he got a beard?

Dr. Mandragola:
A beard...

Dick Turpin:
Yes, a big, bushy beard, about this long.

Dr. Mandragola:
Yes, yes! He wears such a beard.

Dick Turpin:
In that case, it must be a false beard, cause Harry doesn't wear one.

Dick Turpin:
[Dick has taken a gulp of Dr. Mandragola's Elixer of Live] Oh yes.

Swiftnick:
What is it?

Dick Turpin:
Well, north of the border it's called many names: Aqua Vitae, Usque Baugh, but down south, it's know as Whiskey. Your health.

Dr. Mandragola:
[gazing at Turpin who's wearing Mandragola's cloak, wig and hat] Oh, if this is a mirror, I look worse than I feel.

Dr. Mandragola:
[Mandragola feels his bare head] Samson, Delilah! You've scalped me

Abby:
Behold: The Amazing Dr. Mandragola! [Turpin enters dressed as Mandragola with Swiftnick as his assistant, Daft Jamie]

Dick Turpin:
[Swiftnick bangs his cymbals together] From the black deserts of Bagdad... [Swiftnick bangs his cymbals together]... to the wind swept plains of Moskovy... [Swiftnick bangs his cymbals together]... to the ghost ridden swamps... of eh... that lonely, nameless region. [Swiftnick bangs his cymbals together]... come I hither to present my powers at your feet.

Dick Turpin:
Well, London or Bristol?

Swiftnick:
Toss a coin. Heads for Bristol, tails for London.

Dick Turpin:
And let the devil take the hine most!

Dick Turpin:
[after Joe Cutler dies] Good fortune on the road, Joe.

Dick Turpin:
If I refuse to be hunted?

Lord Manderfell:
You will hang.

Dick Turpin:
If I agree, what happens to Swiftnick?

Lord Manderfell:
If the hound's haven't killed you by sunset, he'll be released. You have my word. Well, does the fox accept?

Dick Turpin:
The fox has no choice, has he?

Lord Manderfell:
You have an hour, Turpin. An hour before the hounds come for you.

Dick Turpin:
Remember one thing, my lord.

Lord Manderfell:
And what is that, pray?

Dick Turpin:
The fox also hunts.

Lord Manderfell:
What a droll fellow you are, Turpin.

Dick Turpin:
[to Poll Maggot] You silly slut!

Poll Maggot:
Hike off!

Lord Manderfell:
[to Warren] If I'm forced to give him best, I'll nail your filthy carcass to the barn.

Poll Maggot:
You can't gull me, Turpin. You're on the make, aren't you? After his loot. Well, you can save your breath to cool your porridge, 'cause he didn't tell me where he hid it.

Warren:
My lord. [points to Poll Maggot on horseback]

Lord Manderfell:
The vixen! But no dogfoxes.

Warren:
It could be a decoy, my lord.

Lord Manderfell:
Perhaps, the strumpet's in a powerful hurry. Dent Higgins, stay here and watch the inn.

Warren:
But my lord?

Lord Manderfell:
I'm a hunter, Warren, I have a hunter's instinct. We'll follow mistress Maggot.

Lady Manderfell:
Goodbye, Turpin.

Dick Turpin:
Good luck, Lady Manderfell.

Lady Manderfell:
Good fortune on the road.

Poll Maggot:
I should've know I'd end up with nothing, I read it in me hand.

Sir John Glutton:
For the past nine years, my Godmother, to whom I have written with the most practilious regularity, had believed me to be married. Not only married, but with an heir. If she finds I am a bachelor, she won't leave me a farthing.

Gooch:
Then you must marry before her visit

Sir John Glutton:
She's coming tomorrow night. Where shall I find a wife before then? They don't grow on trees!

Dick Turpin:
Tab, where's Gooch?

Tabitha:
Indoors. He won't be coming in the barn, though...

Dick Turpin:
[slightly embarrassed in front of Swiftnick] Ehm, Tab, ehm, we're not going in the barn.

Tabitha:
[diseappointed] Oh, aren't we?

Sir John Glutton:
Shall we dine?

Countess:
Ah! He always did put his belly first. And look at him now!

[prods Glutton's belly with her cane]

Sir John Glutton:
Sophonisba, you're like no other woman I've ever met...

Swiftnick:
[whispering to Tab] That's true!

Dick Turpin:
[disguised as Sophonisba] I bet you say that to all the young ladies.

Sir John Glutton:
No, no, on me honor.

Dick Turpin:
What about my honor, Sir John?

Sir John Glutton:
Save with me, Sophonisba!

Tabitha:
I've never met such a bewitching pair of husseys, Od's Pettycoats I ain't!

Swiftnick:
Hey, have you ever been to a hanging?

Dick Turpin:
Not yet.

Swiftnick:
No, no, I mean to watch.

Dick Turpin:
Would you go?

[Swiftnick remains quiet]

Dick Turpin:
Then I'm answered.

Dick Turpin:
So, lets find out who she really is.

Swiftnick:
But why bother?

Dick Turpin:
Cause I'm nosey.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
Ranby, you're bringing me luck. Keep your ears and your eyes open and learn all you can of Turpin. I've got a feeling there's a change in the weather.

Mrs. Brownlow:
Oh, why should you do this? Risk your life for a perfect stranger?

Swiftnick:
'Cause he's daft.

Lord Harrington:
The Heath has become a vast dungheep of villainy and no traveler is save crossing it.

Sir John Glutton:
What'd you want?

Captain Nathan Spiker:
I've come to tell you , Sir John, of my pleasure in your return to Rookham Hall and your position as High Sheriff.

Sir John Glutton:
And to ask for your job back.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
Well, I must admit, Sir John, the thought had crossed my mind.

Sir John Glutton:
Well, you can uncross it.

Sir John Glutton:
You couldn't catch Dick Turpin if you had twenty regiments to the line, and the villain was up to his neck in quicksand!

Dick Turpin:
Well, Nathan. We thought we'd seen the last of you.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
The last you'll see of me, Turpin, is when the hangman puts a noose around your neck, and kicks away the ladder.

Dick Turpin:
Now listen, and listen well, you big heep of horsedung. You try this again and I'll blow you're breakfast through your backbone.

Sir John Glutton:
Soon, you'll be dancing on nothing.

Dick Turpin:
Swiftnick, death's not a highwayman you can satisfy with a purse full of money. So I think this 'stand and deliver' is a little bit final.

Sir John Glutton:
Will you take breakfast before or after the hanging? Turpin's having his before.

[laughs heartily]

Lady Harrington:
My husband wouldn't pardon St. Peter.

Dick Turpin:
The law is like a flimsy cobweb. It catches the small flies and lets the big ones buzz right through.

Sir John Glutton:
[Spiker is admiring himself in the mirror] You'd be lost without that glass, Spiker. You strut in front of it like a crow in the gutter.

Sir John Glutton:
It's time you were breeding, Nathan. I can't have a bachelor as me steward.

Col Tranter:
You are a swaggering cockscone!

Dick Turpin:
[posing as Spiker] Don't you call me names, or you will live to regret it!

Col Tranter:
A swaggering cockscone, a damned huffsnuff, a rogue, a rascal, a villian!

Dick Turpin:
You stupid old twit! I'll cut your heart out!

Ffoulkes-Withers:
Let me fight him, Colonel Tranter.

Col Tranter:
You boy? You couldn't fight a half witted kitten.

Dick Turpin:
I turned you into a hero and now Spiker's turned you back into a jellyfish.

Ffoulkes-Withers:
I'll hang myself if he marries her now.

Dick Turpin:
The rope would break.

Phylida:
I've always wanted to meet you. I read all the broadsheets. Father says he'll take me to your execution.

Dick Turpin:
Oh, lovely. I promise to wave.

Phylida:
I know all the stories about you.

Dick Turpin:
Oh, do you now? Yeah, well they're all lies.

Phylida:
How you rode to York...

Dick Turpin:
That wasn't me, that was Nevison.

Phylida:
...and danced the carenata with a lady on Hounslow Heath.

Dick Turpin:
That was Duval.

Phylida:
And played dice with the Dutches?

Dick Turpin:
That was Colet. You really musn't trust all you read in those broadsheets.

Phylida:
[Spiker is aiming his pistol at Dick and Swiftnick] But you can't shoot them down in cold blood.

Dick Turpin:
That's the only kind he's got. There's lizards, snakes and Spiker.

Sir John Glutton:
How sharper than a serpents tooth it is to have a thankless child! William Shakespeare, Hamlet, you know.

Jem Clayton:
King Lear!

Sir John Glutton:
If I say it's Hamlet, then it's Hamlet! You presumptuous young puppy!

Sir John Glutton:
The body must be recovered, Jack.

Jack Foxwell:
Yes, Sir John.

Sir John Glutton:
And the young hostages disposed off.

Jack Foxwell:
Oh, no.

Sir John Glutton:
No, no, Jack, you mistake me, you mistake me entirely. The slate quaries for the boy... and the girl to me plantation in Jamaica as soon as can be arranged. Their little holiday is over, ain't it, Jack?

Jem Clayton:
Who are you?

Swiftnick:
Swiftnick.

Jem Clayton:
Swiftnick... [starts to sing] Bold Swiftnick once with Turpin rode ro rob the Dover mayor.

Swiftnick:
Hey! Did ya hear that, Lucy? I'm famous! Go on!

Lucy:
Swiftnick!

Lucy:
Fire! Fire! There's a fire in the east wing, Sir John!

Sir John Glutton:
Well, put it out, you unnecessary idiot!

Swiftnick:
Should've come to you, shouldn't I? Been a fool.

Dick Turpin:
Reckless, headstrong, but not a fool.

Sir John Glutton:
Miller, you're to ride as Dick Turpin, you understand?

Miller:
Aye, Sir John.

Sir John Glutton:
Turn this 'people's hero' into a villain. Make them hate him. Cast him out! When we hunt him down I want every door shut against him every hearth stopped. Don't fail me, Miller.

Dick Turpin:
Damn you, boy? What's happened?

Swiftnick:
Happened? What happened to you? What happened to Dick Turpin? Shall I tell you? He's a memory! I believed in him. A lot of us did. Because he meant freedom and a chance to hit back at injustice, to struggle from the mire! But he's a memory. And you, you stand there in his place. With my uncle's blood on your hands!

Isaac Rag:
[Turpin has been shot] Captain, Captain!

Isaac Rag:
[Turpin grunts] I thought you'd hit daisy food for a minute. Look at all that blood. You've been shot, in't ya?

Dick Turpin:
Isaac... Isaac Rag.

Isaac Rag:
You remember. You remember [laughs] You know, it's a source of continuous wonder to me that you ain't been snuffed out long ago! Well nigh miraculous you might say, but still, what ain't to be, ain't to be.

Dick Turpin:
If you wanna catch a rabbit you close up his escape holes before you put the ferret down.

Sir John Glutton:
Miller's done well.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
You're pleased, Sir John?

Sir John Glutton:
Delighted. Especially when I know that Turpin must be beside himself...

Captain Nathan Spiker:
[both laugh] Beside himself! Very good, Sir John, very good indeed!

Colonel Bingham:
[reading aloud from an arrest warrant] Dark haired and of medium height. His accomplice a fair haired lad. Well, Mr. Turpin!

Dick Turpin:
Your servant.

Colonel Bingham:
Oh dear me, no. My prisoner! Put him in the coach.

Abel Jeames:
Mr. Turpin, I've always been a great admirer of yours. You wouldn't eh, you wouldn't write your name on a piece of paper, would you?

Abel Jeames:
It's not for me, it's eh, it's for the wife.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
I'm not going to France. It's full of foreigners.

Sir John Glutton:
Who said anything about you, Spiker?

Captain Nathan Spiker:
Why, you great Tory tripound it's because of you I'm in here!

Swiftnick:
[reading the writing on the wall] His hands are weak, his bellies' large, his word ain't worth a button. A nasty, twisting, oily rogue, that human dungheap, Glutton. [all laugh]

Dick Turpin:
There's the dog, immortalized in verse! Is there one about Spiker then?

Swiftnick:
Yeah, but not one I can say aloud. [Spiker stops laughing as Dick glances at the wall]

Dick Turpin:
And it doesn't rhyme either.

Isaac Rag:
A turnkeep for a cousin. Shame! Shame! Shame of it.

Sir John Glutton:
Isaac, Isaac I beg you!

Isaac Rag:
Hm. Of course you beg me the boots on the other foot now, eh? I'm the power and the glory, you're the beggar.

Dragoon:
Turpin's making for Bristol.

Colonel Bingham:
How do you know?

Dragoon:
Sir John Glutton whispered it to me.

Colonel Bingham:
That cunning old reptile!

Isaac Rag:
The traitorous old toad.

Dick Turpin:
Well, to Bristol, or to London?

Swiftnick:
Toss a coin. Heads for Bristol, tails for London.

Dick Turpin:
And let the devil take the hine most!

Captain Nathan Spiker:
[to John Radstock] You prestidential rogue! I'll have you flogged till the skins peels off your back!

Sir John Glutton:
[Spiker and Swiftnick are both covered in soot] What have we here? Captain Spiker, late of the thirteenth regiment afoot, now serving as a chimney sweep.

Dick Turpin:
[disguised as Judge Lambsfoot] Who prosecutes? What, you, Glutton?

Sir John Glutton:
Aye, my lord.

Dick Turpin:
And who speaks for the defense?

John Radstock:
I'm a poor man, my lord, I've no one to speak for me.

Dick Turpin:
Hm, no speech for the defense, in that case there shall be no speech for the prosecution, that seems only justice.

Swiftnick:
That ain't fair!

Dick Turpin:
Lesson number one: There are no rules when you fight for your life. Here endeth the first lesson.

Dick Turpin:
Live's just one big game to you, isn't it, eh? You're as dim as a Charlie's lantern.

Swiftnick:
Good fortune on the road.

Newell:
Another wager, sir?

Willard:
You're a rogue. A tricksy, poxy rogue.

Willard:
Sink or swim, I wonder which it'll be?

Willard:
Don't meddle in this affair, sir.

Dick Turpin:
Is that an order, Corporal?

Willard:
Captain, the name's Captain Willard.

Dick Turpin:
Willard? Not Cradlesnatcher Willard, the coward of Caterham, is it?

Willard:
I'll say you, sir...

Dick Turpin:
Or Wencher Willard, the weazle of Wandsworth, who calls himself a recruiting officer, but he onle recruits girls and little children.

Dick Turpin:
Remember, lesson number two.

Swiftnick:
Never lose your temper.

Dick Turpin:
Now if you're gonna shoot, you shoot low.

Swiftnick:
Why?

Dick Turpin:
Do as you're told. If you're gonna to be hung, it's not gonna to be for murder.

Willoughby:
God's nails, what a barbarous county! I can't ride five miles without some, some great hairy brute in a mask pursuing me with a pair of the most enormous pistols you ever saw! He took every penny. My rings, and even my, my little musical snuffbox. You know, the one that plays 'Lilly Bolero'.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
What a pity he didn't shoot you as well.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
That painted macarone is no highwayman!

Vizard:
Oh, I'll grant you he's a fop, overbearing and overdressed, but I also believe he's a audacious and cunning scoundrel. The scourge of Kensington. And with your help, I'll prove it.

Dick Turpin:
[disguised as a servant] You're milk, Sir John.

Sir John Glutton:
You ain't Diggory.

Dick Turpin:
No, Sir John, I'm, I'm Zachary, sir.

Sir John Glutton:
Zachary? Where's Diggory?

Captain Nathan Spiker:
Turpin! [Spiker aimes his pistol at Turpin but Glutton pushes it down]

Sir John Glutton:
Mind the paintings.

Willoughby:
[in the middle of a sword fight] Deadly dull, ain't it, Turpin?

Dick Turpin:
Willoughby, you never stop surprising me.

Willoughby:
God's nails, Mr. Turpin, don't judge a man by the curls on his wig. You must open an egg to find the worth of it's innards.

Dick Turpin:
Than you must be the finest egg in the chicken's coup. God's nails you are.

Sir John Glutton:
The Devil taketh Turpin!

Captain Nathan Spiker:
Upon my honor, Sir John, Turpin will be caught.

Sir John Glutton:
[with determination] Upon my honor, Spiker, Turpin shall be hanged.

Dick Turpin:
[Grummit is aiming a blunderbus at Turpin and Swiftnick] We are travellers.

Grummit:
Trespassers? I know you're trespassers!

Grummit:
We'll hear what the missus has to say about this!

Swiftnick:
Yeah, we'll here, I doubt if he will.

Grummit:
Eh?

Mrs. Bedingfield:
[as Mr. Turner, Dick has serenaded the Bedingfield family on the harpsicord] Oh, that was charming, charming, Mr. Turner. I feel quite lulled.

Belinda:
What's it called?

Dick Turpin:
[Dick ponders the question for a moment]... Belinda...

Abigail:
Oh, Lord, sister, what do you mean to do?

Belinda:
Leave for London before Turpin tweaks me.

Abigail:
Well why should he?

Belinda:
Because he's the cleverest rogue in England and because...

Abigail:
Because, sister?

Belinda:
Because he makes my heart bound like a tennis ball.

Dick Turpin:
Belinda. Of all the artful, scheming, cunning... captivating little charmers. Just wait till I catch her.

Dick Turpin:
If you wanna be a man, I'll treat you like a man. I won't be satisfied till I've splashed your blood all over the grass.

Dick Turpin:
Maybe we should find an inn.

Belinda:
An inn, yes.

Dick Turpin:
And ehm, perhaps a bit of breakfast together.

Belinda:
And then you shall take what's yours

Belinda:
Here's a small fortune, Charles. And all got with a good horse, a pistol, and a 'Damn you, you dog, stand and deliver'.

Fenton:
I'll be blunt, cous'. One villain in the family is enough.

Cpt Rogers:
And eh, how old are they, Mr. Fenton?

Fenton:
Eighteen to twenty, Captain Rodgers. They've many years of work left in them.

Julisca:
I would show more gratitude, but I'm promised to a man of the tribe.

Swiftnick:
Poor devil.

Julisca:
He does not think so.

Karoly:
In Spain they're all savages. We are the only true children. The Dovelscho. You must come with us, boro domengro.

Dick Turpin:
And if I reluctantly refuse your offer?

Karoly:
Reluctantly, we will kill you.

Zsika:
She shamed me. She's laid with this man all night. She shamed all of us! They both must die.

Dick Turpin:
I claim the right to take my brother's place.

Magyari:
He who chooses the card must also face the ordeal.

Dick Turpin:
I accept.

Swiftnick:
[shouting] Come on, Dick! Push!

Swiftnick:
[Magyari is holding up cards in front of Turpin] Let him get his breath back, can't you?

Magyari:
Fate waits for no man. Choose.

Julisca:
Spare him, Magyari. He showed his courage, he's admitted to the ordeal. Let it go no further.

Magyari:
The wheel has already begun to turn. It cannot now be halted.

Magyari:
[to Spiker] Who are you who dares intrude on our mysteries?

Captain Nathan Spiker:
Side with me and I'll split the reward with you. They're worth two hundred guinness, the pair of them. Dead or alive.

Dick Turpin:
You can never tell the truth, can you, Spiker? We're worth nearly double that. Two hundred and fifty on my head and a hundred on his.

Swiftnick:
Well, I haven't been at it so long.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
This is how I like it, Turpin. Just you and me, and the devil. I believe I have the advantage of weight.

Dick Turpin:
Pity most of it's in your head, Spiker.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
[laughs] Your wit won't save you this time, Turpin.

Lord Fordingham:
Heaven knows where my horses are, I've had to tramp through a quagmire to find this filthy hovel.

Dick Turpin:
See, me and my partner, we're what you call sort of anglers, you follow me?

Lord Fordingham:
No, I don't follow you, sir.

Dick Turpin:
Well, my lord, we're Thief-takers, aren't we?

Swiftnick:
Oh, yeah, none better!

Dick Turpin:
And I'll warrant you, we'll earn your 500 guineas, my lord.

Lord Fordingham:
Oh, well I must say you seem uncommonly sure of yourselves, Mr...

Dick Turpin:
Ehm, Snare, yeah, Jeremiah Snare. And this is my partner, Mr. Handy.

Lord Fordingham:
You impudent knave, you've been outtricked. This is Jeremiah Snare and his partner Jonathon Handy.

Dick Turpin:
[to Spiker] A bold plan, Turpin.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
I'm not Turpin, you are! Od's blood, I tell you, I'm Nathan Spiker!

Dick Turpin:
You can shout as much as you like, you're still Turpin when you've done ranting.

Major Gerhardt:
You should have been an actor, dearest sir. I adore the theater, you know. Have you seen 'Alfred'?

Dick Turpin:
Alfred who?

Major Gerhardt:
'Alfred' is an opera, by Herr Arne. Delightful.

Julia Hawthorne:
What's to become of us?

Dick Turpin:
Well, we're not hanged yet.

Swiftnick:
Beheaded.

Dick Turpin:
Oh yeah, we're traitors now, aren't we? Not villains.

Swiftnick:
Yeah, coming up in the world.

Julia Hawthorne:
Not traitors, loyalists. Loyal to Prince Charles.

Dick Turpin:
Oh, so you still believe in the young pretender, do you? He's a lucky man.

Julia Hawthorne:
Don't you believe in him?

Dick Turpin:
I don't believe in any man who goes around in a fancy hat acting like God no matter what he calls himself. Whether he's a king, prince or an emperor.

Major Gerhardt:
[in the middle of a duel] I think it only fair to tell you that I am the champion of Hanover.

Dick Turpin:
To hell with Hanover!

Major Gerhardt:
Turpin, Turpin... the name seems familiar. Were you ever in the army?

Dick Turpin:
Yes, but I didn't like it very much.

Major Gerhardt:
Not enough action, eh?

Dick Turpin:
Too many officers.

Tyson Sarney:
Tell me, eh, why was you, eh, using Harry Basset as a mop?

Dick Turpin:
He just happened to be handy at the time.

Dick Turpin:
Tyson, you've got a squeaker in the Brotherhood, why don't you admit it?

Tyson Sarney:
Oh no, no. No, this Brotherhood is loyal. Loyal. Right down to the meanest begger.

Tyson Sarney:
I, Tyson Sarney, Upright Man, stowe thee, Richard Turpin, as a member of our Brotherhood. Vivat!

Lieutenant Ford:
Dick Turpin?

Tyson Sarney:
Aye, I knew that would make your eyes pop. He's joined the Brotherhood. to catch the squeaker that send Ben Hawk and those others to dance the Tyburn Jig.

Tyson Sarney:
Dick! By heaven. Oh, thank God you're back. We thought you'd been captured.

Dick Turpin:
And the wish is often father to the thought, eh, Tyson?

Tyson Sarney:
[laughs] Ah, a ready wit! Born under Mercury I warrant.

Dick Turpin:
And you under Saturn, I'll wager.

Duke of Hereford:
I'll see you hanged, you rascal, I'll see you hanged!

Dick Turpin:
I'll send you a ticket.

Swiftnick:
[Turpin is off to visit a bank in London] Well, you will come back?

Dick Turpin:
'Course not. I'll spend the lot on booze and dollies. I'll see you in a few weeks at the Cock and Bull. You keep your head down.

Swiftnick:
Good luck on the road.

Captain Nathan Spiker:
I've always loathed you, Moat. You traitorous evil parasite. You'll see, Sir John, you'll see when the whole county rises against you. I've watched him on Gibraltar. Oh yes, he put down the mutiny. The mutiny brought about by his own, mad cruelty. He broke men. Reduced them to animals. But there was one man you couldn't brake, wasn't there, Moat? No matter how many lashes you gave him. And can you guess who that was, Sir John? Turpin! By God, you'd better catch him, Colonel!

Sir John Glutton:
[shouting] Where's Turpin?

Swiftnick:
[deviantly] Turpin who?

Sir John Glutton:
Ah, he's a wag, ain't he? Full of merry quips! Where is he, boy?

Dick Turpin:
Bravo, bravo! Better than a two headed Turkish juggler at Suddock fair.

Swiftnick:
Dick!

Captain Nathan Spiker:
Turpin!

Sir John Glutton:
Good heavens!