Diff'rent Strokes

Philip Drummond:
I'm sorry, Mrs. Garrett. I didn't mean to startle you.

Edna Garrett:
Oh Mr. Drummond, it's very dangerous to sneak up behind me. I'm going to karate class, and I just got an 'A' in "kicking where it hurts".

Arnold Jackson:
Be careful with my goldfish. His name's Abraham.

Philip Drummond:
I've never seen a black goldfish before.

Arnold Jackson:
That's okay. He never saw a rich white man before either.

Philip Drummond:
Good morning, Arnold. Rise and shine!

Arnold Jackson:
Better not let Willis hear you say the word "shine". Back in Harlem, that's fightin' talk.

Philip Drummond:
Why are you still in bed, Arnold?

Arnold Jackson:
I'm studying.

Philip Drummond:
Superman is studying?

Arnold Jackson:
I'm too young for Wonderwoman.

Philip Drummond:
I'd better send for the limosine. Mother gets very impatient if she's kept waiting. I was born 3 days late. She didn't speak to me for a year.

Willis Jackson:
[Arnold refuses to fight the school bully] Alright, Arnold. Then I'll just tell Mr. Drummond what a coward you are. He'll talk some sense into you. Think he wants a coward for a son?

Arnold Jackson:
Awww Willis, please don't say anything to him.

Willis Jackson:
Well, somebody's gotta make a man outta you.

Arnold Jackson:
What's the rush? I'm barely outta toilet-training.

Willis Jackson:
[Mrs. Garrett catches the boys throwing punches] Uhhh, it's a new dance we're doing... It's called, ummm... The Punch Shuffle.

Edna Garrett:
Now if Mr. Drummond catches you practicing fighting, you're gonna switch from the Punch Shuffle to the Bruised Bottom Blues!

Willis Jackson:
Arnold's always under my feet. I'll never have any privacy until he gets married.

Arnold Jackson:
Married? On MY allowance?

Kimberly Drummond:
Well, well, if it isn't Sleeping Beauty.

Willis Jackson:
You mean Sleeping Ugly.

Arnold Jackson:
I owe you an insult!

Jethro Simpson:
Whatchoo talkin' bout, Arnold?

[repeated line]

Arnold Jackson:
Watchoo talkin' 'bout?

[Willis has just learned his close friend has died in an auto accident]

Willis Jackson:
Oh no...

[pause]

Willis Jackson:
[crying] Oh no...

[Willis hangs up the phone and cries]

Willis Jackson:
Look at me. Crying just like a kid.

Philip Drummond:
No. Crying just like a man.

Philip Drummond:
Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the handsomest of them all? What? Well you could've lied a little.

Willis Jackson:
I'm going to this party at Jerry's, and it's BYOB, you know what that means?

Philip Drummond:
Sure, it means hand me that bottle.

Willis Jackson:
But Dad...

Philip Drummond:
HAND-me-that-bottle.

Willis Jackson:
I didn't even have to tell you, I could've just done it and you would've never found out.

Philip Drummond:
Right, but you're too honest for that.

Willis Jackson:
What about your party? You're gonna be late.

Philip Drummond:
It can wait, it's only a charity affair, that chicken can't get any colder than it is.

Willis Jackson:
What's everybody doing up?

Kimberly Drummond:
Can't you guess? We're modeling sleepwear.

Willis Jackson:
I only had a couple drinks.

Arnold Jackson:
From the looks of your eyeballs they must've been Bloody Marys.

Willis Jackson:
I love Dad but he's just impossible to live with.

Arnold Jackson:
So are you, but I do it!

Kimberly Drummond:
I was just on my way to ballet class and I thought I'd come by and see your place.

Willis Jackson:
Well this is it, what do you think?

Kimberly Drummond:
It has possibilities. Clean it up a little, you can use it for the city dump.

Jerry:
What do you think of our place, Arnold?

Arnold Jackson:
No self respecting cockroach would live here.

Philip Drummond:
How is he?

Arnold Jackson:
Well, kinda hard to tell with Willis, his face always looks like he has his shorts on backwards.

Willis Jackson:
Jerry and I were in this really bad car accident. I was lucky I just came out with a few scratches.

Philip Drummond:
Are you sure?

Willis Jackson:
Yeah I'm fine.

Philip Drummond:
Well thank God you're alright, how'd you get home?

Willis Jackson:
The police brought me.

Philip Drummond:
Well come on sit down over here. Now tell me what happened.

Willis Jackson:
We were leaving this bar, and I guess Jerry had a few too many. And he ran this red light and this big truck, I didn't see it coming, it just plowed right into us.

Arnold Jackson:
How's Jerry?

Willis Jackson:
He's real bad, he's in a coma. They wouldn't let me see him, the doctors said there's nothing I can do and to go home. This is my home, isn't it? Dad, I want to come back, can I?

Philip Drummond:
Of course, son.

Pearl Gallagher:
This is worse than Poltergeist! Stay away from the television everybody! Excuse me everyone, but I have to go lie down, under my bed!

C.W.:
Rumor has it that the old man's ghost still walks the old house.

Arnold Jackson:
Oh come on, Mr. Owens, there're no such things as ghosts.

C.W.:
Right, no ghosts, that's what I thought, until that night, when these eyes saw something, and they haven't been the same since! Well, it was one stormy night, I was walking my dog, Rotunda, by the old Markwell place, he saw something down by the cellar and he chased it. Well, we glanced in, worst thing I ever did, I came face to face with the ghost of Clarence MARKWELL!

Sam McKinney:
Please don't let there be no ghosts, please don't let there be no ghosts! [every vase in the room shatters] Boy that ghost sure doesn't like knickknacks!

Clarence Maxwell:
[offscreen] You're all doomed!

Sam McKinney:
Arnold, are you a ventriloquist?

Arnold Jackson:
No.

Sam McKinney:
Then I hope he's talking about you!

Clarence Maxwell:
I am!

Arnold Jackson:
[hears creaking] Don't worry, it's just the house settling.

Sam McKinney:
I hope it settles for a turkey leg instead of a redhead.

Arnold Jackson:
[after a green ghost explodes on them] Ugh, I've been slimed!

Clarence Maxwell:
Ouch!

Arnold Jackson:
Ouch? Ghosts don't go ouch!

Clarence Maxwell:
No but people do!

Arnold Jackson:
How do you make friends with a ghost? Introduce him to a sheet?

Sam McKinney:
Arnold, the turkey leg's gone!

Arnold Jackson:
Dad! Maggie! Oh how come there's never a parent around when you need one?

Maggie McKinney:
I've heard about your wonderful inventions, Mr. Markwell, it's really a pleasure to meet you. And all these years everyone thought you were gone.

Arnold Jackson:
Why did you pretend you were dead?

Clarence Maxwell:
I wanted to help people, instead it just seemed that everything I made ended up being used for war, and not helping mankind at all.

Arnold Jackson:
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Muhammed Arnold, the champ, that's me!

Arnold Jackson:
Ahh, poor Willis. How could they turn down a guy as great as Willis thinks he is?

Philip Drummond:
[meeting the boys for the first time] Welcome, Gentlemen!

Willis Jackson:
[confused, looking behind them] You talking to US?

Philip Drummond:
Of course.

Arnold Jackson:
How 'bout that, Willis? Downtown 2 minutes and already we're gentlemen.

Philip Drummond:
I wonder where Arnold wandered off to.

Kimberly Drummond:
It's not like him to miss a good meal.

Philip Drummond:
It's not like him to miss a bad meal.

Willis Jackson:
Hey Dad, what a spread: quiche, steak, lobster, pork chops...

Philip Drummond:
I still don't know how Mr. T got it all into one sandwich.

Stanley Pearlburg:
[Mr. T picks Philip up and swings him over his head during a rehearsal] Perfect, throws him against the wall and he stomps on his head and he mashes his face!

Philip Drummond:
Hold it, time! Would you put me down, please?

Mr. T:
What's the problem?

Philip Drummond:
I'm just afraid you'll strain yourself.

Mr. T:
Are you kidding? My gold chains weigh more than you do!

Philip Drummond:
If your mother isn't feeling better, you just take off all the time you need.

Pearl Gallagher:
Oh thanks, fortunately it was nothing serious, but I still don't understand why she was riding around on that motorcycle.

Philip Drummond:
Motorcycle?

Pearl Gallagher:
Mm-hm, I always thought she meant her false teeth when she said she was having trouble with her choppers.

Arnold Jackson:
I don't want anybody hanging around the actors and bugging them for autographs, that's my job!

Arnold Jackson:
Wow, your cousin is a knockout!

Dudley Ramsey:
She is? It's hard to tell when you're related.

Mr. T:
You ready for me, Pearly?

Stanley Pearlburg:
Not yet, Mr. T, why don't you go down and relax in your trailer?

Assistant Director:
Yeah, go relax, T Baby.

Mr. T:
You call me T Baby one more time, and I'm gonna break every bone in your pitiful little body.

Kimberly Drummond:
He spoke to me! George Peppard actually spoke to me!

Angela:
What did he say, Kimberly?

Kimberly Drummond:
He said, 'move it, you're in my seat'!

Philip Drummond:
Shouldn't I have makeup?

Stanley Pearlburg:
Well you don't need it for rehearsal but go ahead if it's something you normally wear around the house.

Philip Drummond:
Not really, oh maybe occasionally a little eyeliner.

Angela:
Excuse me, Mr. T.

Mr. T:
Well little lady, hello there.

Angela:
I'm a big fan of yours and I was wondering if I could please sit with you at lunch.

Mr. T:
Never let it be said that Mr. T said no to a irresistible lady.

Angela:
You're the most handsome star on TV.

Mr. T:
Aww, and you got brains too.

Mr. T:
[comes in and sees Arnold dressed just like him] Well, what do we have here? [circles around him] Now this is what I call a real fan. Looks like we're Capital T and small t.

Angela:
[to Arnold, who has given himself a Mohawk like Mr. T] I think that haircut looks stupid.

Mr. T:
Hey watch it little lady!

Arnold Jackson:
[looking at his Mohawk in the mirror] Oh they're right, I look ridiculous, like a porcupine died on my head.

Mr. T:
[knocks and enters Arnold's bedroom] Can I come in, Little T?

Arnold Jackson:
Sure, Big T.

Mr. T:
I thought we might have a little talk, you know, like head to head.

Mr. T:
I'm really flattered that you tried to look like me to impress that girl.

Arnold Jackson:
I even glued some hair onto my chest. [pulls his shirt open]

Mr. T:
Wow, that's more than what I got!

Mr. T:
If you want to get somewhere in life, or with a girl, you can't go around copying someone else. You've got to be your own original.

Arnold Jackson:
That's easy for you to say, you've got a lot more to work with. You're like a mountain, I'm more like a speed bump.

Mr. T:
I never met anybody like you before in the world, man you outrageous.

Arnold Jackson:
You really think so?

Mr. T:
Definitely, so just be yourself. But remember though, you can't force girls into liking you, of course I can, but that's another story.

Arnold Jackson:
Then what should I do?

Mr. T:
Do? Man don't do anything, if a girl don't like you [grunts] that's her loss, but I'm sure you'll find plenty that will.

Arnold Jackson:
You really think so?

Mr. T:
Hey, I'm positive. So you just be yourself, play it cool, and let the chicks fall where they may.

Mr. T:
Now you come on downstairs and watch me film this scene. I'm gonna stomp on this guy, I'm gonna mash his head to the carpet, I'm gonna break off his legs.

Arnold Jackson:
You're gonna do all that?

Mr. T:
Yeah we're doing something new on The A-Team, less action and more heart.

Pearl Gallagher:
Leave that man alone, you big bully! [smashes a vase over Mr. T's head, he gets up and turns around] Mr. T!

Stanley Pearlburg:
Cut! Cut!

Mr. T:
Hey! That wasn't a breakaway vase! This is! [smashes another vase over his head]

Mr. T:
[entering the penthouse] Hey sucka, let's get this show on the road!

Angela:
Mr. T!

Mr. T:
In the flesh.

Angela:
What flesh? It's all muscle!

Mr. T:
And all prime, grade A.

Willis Jackson:
Arnold, didn't I teach you how to fight? Last year you were dancing around like Muhammad Ali.

Arnold Jackson:
Yeah, but I was boxing like Howard Cosell!

Mr. Kim:
Here in our school, Mr. Drummond, we teach Korean karate, tae-kwon-do. That means the art of hand and foot.

Arnold Jackson:
Too bad you don't teach the art of hit and run!

Arnold Jackson:
Man, I dig being a little kid with a big reputation!

Arnold Jackson:
[Arnold as "Romeo" in his school play] What thou talking about, Juliet?

Sam McKinney:
Arnold! Arnold! There's still time to save the bunk beds!

Arnold Jackson:
Now Sam, don't start that again. You know Maggie has to redecorate our room too!

Sam McKinney:
I know, Arnold, but with your mouth you can talk her into keeping the bunk beds. They're easy, you can jump out of them like paratrooper or climb up them like a fireman, and...

Arnold Jackson:
Or when you get out of them you could step all over my face.

Pearl Gallagher:
Nobody wants to eat but I've got to stay busy. I know, I'll dust the furniture.

Philip Drummond:
Pearl! There's no furniture.

Pearl Gallagher:
Oh right!

Philip Drummond:
Maggie now listen, this has been going on for over a month, we just have to move into a hotel. I feel like a squatter in a construction site.

Maggie McKinney Drummond:
Philip honey it is not that bad, you haven't tripped over anything in at least three days.

Philip Drummond:
Wrong! This morning I tripped over a 2 by 4 and sprained my... never mind.

Maggie McKinney Drummond:
Well dear, your never mind will heal. Besides, the workmen will be out of here before you know it.

Philip Drummond:
Maggie look, the World Trade Center went up faster than this banister.

Cal:
Sorry to bother you with all you're going through right now, but some of your furniture arrived that I thought you'd like to have. Maybe this isn't a good time.

Maggie McKinney Drummond:
It isn't a good time, it's a horrible time! Don't any of you understand? I don't want to eat. I don't want to talk about furniture. I just want my son back! These have been the worst 5 days of my life!

Arnold Jackson:
Sam, giving up bunk beds is part of growing up.

Sam McKinney:
They have them in the army.

Arnold Jackson:
So go enlist, they could use a redheaded target!

Maggie McKinney Drummond:
Philip, I don't give a damn about those chairs!

Philip Drummond:
Look Maggie, I don't either, but until we get Sam back we can't just bury our heads in the sand and pretend we don't exist. Look I miss him too, but sitting on the floor isn't going to bring Sam home any sooner.

Sam McKinney:
Where are we? We've been driving for over 2 hours.

Don Brown:
It's not important. Now you remember what I told you I'd do to your parents? Don't you forget it.

Philip Drummond:
Arnold, you don't have anything to feel guilty about.

Arnold Jackson:
I can't help it, Dad.

Philip Drummond:
Well we all feel guilty, I keep wondering what if I had never let Sam go out in the street alone? What if I'd told him to scream if he ever got in a jam? What if? What if? What if? None of it's going to help, Arnold.

Don Brown:
Loosen up, boy, now you remember what I told you I'd do if you tried to run away? Or if you talked to anybody, huh? Remember that? I'll kill your parents, Sam.

Sam McKinney:
No you wouldn't.

Don Brown:
No? I kidnapped you, didn't I?

Sam McKinney:
Bobby, I want to go home!

Bobby Brown:
What're you talking about, Sam? You mean you want to go back and live by yourself in a cardboard box?

Sam McKinney:
I don't live by myself! I've got Mama and Mr. D, and two brothers and a sister!

Bobby Brown:
Must be a pretty big box.

Sam McKinney:
We don't live in a box! We live in a huge apartment 2 stories high, and Mama and Mr. D love me a whole bunch!

Bobby Brown:
What're you talking about Sam? My dad saved you from rotting in a gutter.

Sam McKinney:
No he didn't, he just told you that so you wouldn't know he stole me!

Pearl Gallagher:
[bringing out her soup pan] Mr. Drummond, the painter dropped...

Philip Drummond:
Pearl, I don't want to hear about it and I don't want to eat it.

Arnold Jackson:
This is a nice table, Pearl, but it's not an antique.

Pearl Gallagher:
How can you tell?

Arnold Jackson:
There's no gum under it.

Philip Drummond:
Excuse me.

Sally Winkle:
I'm sorry about the potato chip display, it fell prey to a 4 foot twin pack terror.

Arnold Jackson:
Sam!

Philip Drummond:
The little redheaded boy?

Arnold Jackson:
Floppy haircut? Super cute?

Sally Winkle:
They're not cute when they attack my chips, but that is the culprit.

Sam McKinney:
[on the phone] Hi Arnold, it's me, Sam!

Arnold Jackson:
Sam! Where are you?

Sam McKinney:
I don't know.

Arnold Jackson:
Uh, well are you okay?

Sam McKinney:
I'm scared, Arnold, I can't stay on the phone very long.

Arnold Jackson:
Alright Sam, just stay calm. Dad! Dad! Sam, listen, what's the number on the phone?

Sam McKinney:
Area code 914-555-6411, Arnold I've gotta go! [hangs up]

Philip Drummond:
[about Sam] Look, he's overdue at home. Did you see which way he went?

Sally Winkle:
Yeah, he left with his father.

Arnold Jackson:
Huh?

Philip Drummond:
What?

Sally Winkle:
Yeah.

Philip Drummond:
That's impossible. His father lives in Nashville. [takes out a picture] Is this the boy?

Sally Winkle:
That's the kid alright.

Philip Drummond:
Oh my God. Arnold this is terrible.

Sam McKinney:
He told you that so you wouldn't know he stole me.

Bobby Brown:
You're lying, my dad wouldn't do nothing like that you little punk.

Sam McKinney:
Oh yeah? I found this crumpled up in the garbage, your dad didn't want anyone to see it. [Bobby reads the newspaper article]

Bobby Brown:
It's you, isn't it? Dad must've done it because Mom's been so shook up since Tommy died.

Detective Harris:
I notice that Sam's last name is McKinney and yours is Drummond, I assume you're not the boy's natural father.

Maggie McKinney Drummond:
No he's not, but he treats Sam as if he were his own.

Detective Harris:
Yes ma'am, now I have to know how the natural father fits in the picture. Most kidnappings are done by parents and relatives. Could he possibly be a suspect?

Maggie McKinney Drummond:
Oh not Wes, no way, I just talked to him in Tennessee and he is as upset and shocked as we are.

Maggie McKinney Drummond:
We'll need his address anyway.

Philip Drummond:
What is it, Arnold?

Arnold Jackson:
I just had Sam on the phone, he gave me this phone number!

Philip Drummond:
What?

Officer Fernandez:
Good work, Arnold, you handled that like a real pro, come on, Mr. Drummond, we'll get Harris to trace this number.

Maggie McKinney Drummond:
[in tears] Please, find my son!

May Brown:
[knock on the door] Who is it?

Officer Fernandez:
Police, open up we have a warrant to search the premise.

Don Brown:
Get away from that door, May.

Officer Fernandez:
[busts in] You're all under arrest!

Willis Jackson:
Come on, Dad, what's on your mind? It's about that fight with Arnold and Maggie, isn't it?

Philip Drummond:
Maggie's no problem, she's an adult, we've had a lot of disagreements together. But Arnold has me worried, I've never seen him so upset.

Willis Jackson:
I've never seen you so upset, not even when we painted your bathtub our school colors.

Philip Drummond:
Thanks for the memory.

Arnold Jackson:
I'm going to the meeting of the League for Social Responsibility.

Mr. Lopez:
Oh really?

Arnold Jackson:
Yeah, they're my main man.

Mr. Lopez:
Since when?

Arnold Jackson:
Since, as long as I can remember.

Charlie:
Probably even longer.

Mr. Lopez:
Arnold, you realize of course the League does have very strong racial positions.

Arnold Jackson:
Racial, yeah I know, hey I'm even thinking about joining the Brothers.

Mr. Lopez:
Is that so?

Arnold Jackson:
Yeah, right on!

Mr. Lopez:
Arnold, they hate black people.

Arnold Jackson:
Yeah but guys, you can only fling a tomato so far. What else can we use to bean these bigots?

Dudley Ramsey:
Hey, my mother's got a zucchini that's been in our fridge so long it walked from one shelf to the other.

Arnold Jackson:
Hey that's perfect! Now a zucchini is perfect, you can use it like a dart, it's perfect for distance and accuracy.

Sam McKinney:
But you gotta be careful with zucchinis, if they're too gushy they'll come apart in your hand, and if they're not rotten enough they won't squash when you hit a girl. Then she'll have a chance to throw it back at you.

Arnold Jackson:
Exactly, now Sam if you were going throwing fruit, uh at girls, what would you use?

Sam McKinney:
Well, my friends prefer cantaloupes, seasonal but effective. They maintain their trajectory and when they hit they go PWEW all over the place.

Arnold Jackson:
Dad, have you heard about the League for Social Responsibility?

Philip Drummond:
The hate group?

Arnold Jackson:
Yeah, well they hate black people and other minorities.

Philip Drummond:
Isn't that league having a rally... oh yes, now I understand the reference to flying fruit.

Dudley Ramsey:
Flying rotten fruit.

Arnold Jackson:
Yeah we're gonna shut them down, it's gonna be great.

Arnold Jackson:
Dad, how am I supposed to disrupt the meeting?

Philip Drummond:
You're not!

Arnold Jackson:
Why not? You know these people are planning to ship blacks out of the country, or worse?

Philip Drummond:
Look, I know this bunch is despicable, but the Constitution guarantees their right to speak. That's part of the First Amendment, that's what makes America so special.

Arnold Jackson:
First Amendment, they don't believe in that First Amendment or any of the others.

Philip Drummond:
That doesn't matter, if we're allowed to take away their rights, what's to stop another group from coming along and taking away ours? They have a right to speak.

Arnold Jackson:
But they hate me just because of the color of my skin!

Philip Drummond:
Now Arnold, I'm telling you as your father...

Arnold Jackson:
My father would be out there throwing fruit with me and wouldn't bother taking it out of the can!

Philip Drummond:
[firmly] Arnold...

Arnold Jackson:
I don't have to listen to you, you're not my real father anyway.

Maggie McKinney Drummond:
Arnold, this does not require a whole lot of talking, throwing fruit is dead wrong.

Arnold Jackson:
Big surprise, Mrs. Drummond is siding with Mr. Drummond.

Maggie McKinney Drummond:
Arnold, come here. Listen, if it were me, I'd raise such a ruckus that the League would be sorry they ever set foot in this town, and let me tell you if there's anything you can do short of holding up the bigots and...

Philip Drummond:
Maggie, hold it! What're you saying?

Arnold Jackson:
Dad, let her finish!

Philip Drummond:
Look Maggie, if you take away these people's rights, you are stooping to their level.

Maggie McKinney Drummond:
Philip, the Nazis took advantage of Free Speech to gain power and THEN they abolished it. We would've been better off if somebody HAD stooped to their level and tried to stop them!

Arnold Jackson:
Look, this has to do with prejudice, you know people of different races and different colors not getting along.

Sam McKinney:
But the blacks and whites and all the other colors in my class all get along, and you and me get along, and that's not easy with your personality.

Arnold Jackson:
Sam, the rest of the world is not like you or me or your class. There're people out there who hate you just because of the color of your skin.

Sam McKinney:
Yeah the teacher talked to us about that the other day, it didn't make too much sense.

Arnold Jackson:
Alright, what if they said little redheaded kids with freckles couldn't eat in the cafeteria anymore?

Sam McKinney:
That'd be fine with me, Hamburger Hangar has much better food.

Arnold Jackson:
Alright, what if you went there and they said you couldn't go in there either?

Sam McKinney:
I'd go there anyway.

Arnold Jackson:
What if there were 6 big bullies with baseball bats there waiting to tell you to go somewhere else?

Sam McKinney:
But they can't do that! I'm allowed to eat there so long as I don't spoil my appetite for dinner. Did you say six bullies?

Philip Drummond:
[about his travel agent] Arnold, you know Mrs. Gordon, she's helping us decide between Paris and Nashville.

Arnold Jackson:
Any place in Japan is fine with me.

Arnold Jackson:
I can't go on a vacation with Dad right now.

Sam McKinney:
But Arnold, who am I going to terrorize bell captains with? And who's going to help me get kicked out of museums?

Sam McKinney:
What kind of a family are we going to be if we can't hang around each other anymore?

Arnold Jackson:
Ah, don't worry about that, Sam, no matter what happens, this family will always stick together. Who else would want us?

Philip Drummond:
Arnold you don't have to be a mindreader to realize I don't approve of what you're planning to do.

Arnold Jackson:
Well what about the League is planning to do? They're sleazeballs!

Philip Drummond:
Sleazeballs definitely, but that doesn't give you the right to throw fruit at them to keep them from speaking.

Arnold Jackson:
You're right, vegetables are better.

Mr. Horton:
[to Arnold] You and I are gonna have a lot of good times together.

Mr. Horton:
After the cartoon's over we'll play Neptune: King of the Sea.

Dudley Ramsey:
How do you play that?

Mr. Horton:
Well you know it takes a lot of water. Bath tub, rip in the shower. You're going to love it.

Dudley Ramsey:
[after being molested by The Bicycle man] He *touched* me.

Dudley Ramsey:
He touched me.

Mr. Horton:
After the cartoon's over we'll play Neptune, King of the Sea.

Dudley Ramsey:
How do you play that?

Mr. Horton:
Well you know it takes a lot of water. Bath tub, rip in the shower. You're going to love it

Willis Jackson:
[Setting out to search for the dog] Me and Arnold will be a team.

Arnold Jackson:
Right. I'll be B.J., you be the Bear.

Arnold Jackson:
I'm looking up 'rabies' in the encyclopedia. Rabies, rabies... Ah, here it is! "Rabies: The official leader of a Jewish congregation." Getting rabies makes you Jewish?

Willis Jackson:
Let me see that. That's not "Rabies," that's "Rabbis"! Here it is, "Rabies: An acute virus."

Arnold Jackson:
I don't care how cute it is, I don't want it!

Willis Jackson:
If we don't find that dog you're gonna get a LOT of shots.

Arnold Jackson:
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Willis Jackson:
I'm talking about Dr. Padning giving you twenty shots.

Arnold Jackson:
Twenty! There'll be more holes in my butt than in a golf course!

Willis Jackson:
It won't be in your butt, Arnold. It'll be in your stomach.

Arnold Jackson:
In my stomach? All the food will leak out!

Willis Jackson:
Well, Arnold, the shots won't be that bad. They probably won't even hurt.

Arnold Jackson:
Willis, you're pretty brave with my belly.

Willis Jackson:
C'mon, Arnold, you can handle it.

Arnold Jackson:
Oh, no, Willis, I ain't goin'. I'll be too busy looking for a dog.

Willis Jackson:
You mean the one that bit you?

Arnold Jackson:
No, Greyhound. I'm hoppin' a bus and leavin' town!

Philip Drummond:
[reading Willis' comment in the paper] If God had meant for us to smoke He would've given us chimneys on our faces instead of noses.

Jerry Fuller:
You can't do this to me. The election's only three weeks away, what'll I do for a candidate?

Philip Drummond:
Oh that'll be easy. You just find this Jewish fellow married to an Italian wife, and they adopt a couple of Puerto Rican and Chinese kids and just happen to have an elderly black housekeeper with an Irish boyfriend. [Adelaide and the kids come out and cheer him on]

Willis Jackson:
That's telling him, Dad.

Adelaide Brubaker:
I heard that over the hill remark, sonny!

Arnold Jackson:
We'll vote for you next year.

Kimberly Drummond:
Arnold, we're not old enough to vote.

Arnold Jackson:
Oh yeah? If you put all our ages together we're old enough to vote, have a beer, and see a dirty movie.

Philip Drummond:
[after seeing Arnold's black eye from fighting with "The Gooch"] Arnold, I want to know. Did you go down there to talk or didn't you?

Willis Jackson:
All right, Mr. Drummond. Arnold went down there to talk with his fists.

Arnold Jackson:
And my fists had NOTHING to say!

Arnold Jackson:
Gladys Knight, eat your Pips out!

Kimberly Drummond:
See that? You don't trust me!

Philip Drummond:
Okay, I'll drive you to the recruiting office. I was wrong to permit you to come up here in the first place.

Kimberly Drummond:
Only because you still think I'm a baby!

Willis Jackson:
[Arnold has just dropped a water bomb from the balcony] See ya later!

Arnold Jackson:
Where ya goin'?

Willis Jackson:
Where you ain't! I don't wanna be around when they lay the charge on you.

Arnold Jackson:
What charge?

Arnold Jackson:
Assault with a wet weapon!

Philip Drummond:
[punishing Arnold] Arnold, I'm afraid there's just one solution. This calls for a spanking.

Arnold Jackson:
A spanking? There ain't enough for me to spank.