Dinner for Schmucks

M?eller:
It's my wife's favorite finger.

Barry:
[Whilst holding a picture of Nelson Mandela] He's friends with Morgan Freeman!

Darla:
I'm a naughty schoolgirl!

Barry:
You look a little old to be a schoolgirl.

Therman:
I want you to say, "You can eat my pudding."

Barry:
Vincent Van Gogh. Everyone said to him, "You can't be a great painter, you only have one ear." And you know what he said? "I can't hear you."

Barry:
I know everything! I have laid eggs... *inside of your brain*!

Therman:
Get them out of my head!

Barry:
You are no longer in control of me! I control you,and you are under my power! [whispering] I know everything. And I release you!

Kieran:
Have you ever lived among a herd of goats, for months at a time, as one of them?

Barry:
No.

Kieran:
That surprises me.

Barry:
So dare to dream. Dream your wildest dreams. You can climb the highest mountain. You can drown in a teacup, if you find a big enough teacup. And if somebody tells you that you can't do something, you say, 'Yes, I can. 'Cause I'm doing it right now!'

Kieran:
Sometimes I'll be working on a piece, and I'll think, "No, this is bullshit." So I will literally rub bull excrement on the piece as a metaphor.

Barry:
OK, may I give you some advice too? Do not wear fishnets on New Year's Eve. It's too cold. When the wind blows, you gotta go with the hose.

Barry:
Well, I try to look at the bright side. I guess you could say I'm an eternal optometrist.

Barry:
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Unless you don't have any water or sugar. And then you just eat the lemons, and the rind will give you diarrhea.

Barry:
Well, these people invited us here to make fun of us. This is a contest for the biggest idiot... [holding up trophy] which I nailed!

Marco - Blind Swordsman:
I love to paint.

Davenport:
Oh wow, are you any good?

Marco - Blind Swordsman:
I don't know.

Barry:
In the words of John Lennon, "you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not."

Tim:
...the only one.

Barry:
The only what?

Tim:
No, that's the lyric: "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Barry:
Oh, OK Tim.

Julie:
Kieran, You remember Tim?

Kieran:
[nods]... the stock broker.

Tim:
No, no. I work for a private equity firm that specializes in distressed assets.

Kieran:
So, kind of a stock broker.

Tim:
Almost nothing like a stock broker.

Darla:
[seductively] I'm a naughty little schoolgirl...

Barry:
You look a little old to be a schoolgirl.

Darla:
I need to be punished. I cheated in class. Don't you want to be my school teacher?

Barry:
I'm really not qualified I work for the IRS.

Darla:
[winks] Not tonight...

Barry:
No, all the time. I work...

Darla:
Ok, ok! You work for the IRS and I have been very, very bad. I haven't paid my taxes and I need to be spanked, NOW!

Barry:
Well, that's really not the way it works, you probably just have to pay the difference, plus interest...

Tim:
Any one of you would throw me under the bus for a bigger bonus, but Barry would throw himself under a car to protect a mouse... that was already dead.

Barry:
He slept with Martha at my house! I was under the bed the whole time. What an idiot!

Therman:
Now tell us, Barry, why did your wife leave? Spit it out of your mouth. Say it. Say it, boy.

Barry:
I lost her clitoris!

Robin:
You lost her clitoris?

Barry:
She got mad because I couldn't find it, and I said 'It's probably in your purse,' because nine times out of 10 when she loses something, that's where they end up.

Robin:
Barry, do you even know what that is?

Barry:
I don't know what half the stuff in her purse is.

Therman:
Don't worry Barry. I found it. It was in her purse. It was in her naughty purse.

Robin:
Wow. Well thank God somebody found it, right?

Barry:
I thought I found it under the couch. Turns out it was just an old piece of chewing gum.

Barry:
SWITZERLAND. I LOVE SWITZERLAND. And your cheese, Does the cheese come out of the cow with the holes?

Tim:
[yelling in pain] My back! My back! My back!

Barry:
Is it your back?