Dirty Grandpa

Stinky:
[indicating Jason] Who's the lesbian?

Dick Kelly:
My grandson, Jason.

Stinky:
Is he here to scissor with me?

Dick Kelly:
Party 'till you're pregnant!

Dick Kelly:
I want to f***, f***, f***, f***, f***!

Cousin Nick:
F***in' sucks dick about grandma, huh? Old woman f***in' murdered like that.

Jason Kelly:
I think she had cancer.

Cousin Nick:
We'll never know the truth.

Jason Kelly:
We absolutely know the truth. Grandma had cancer for ten years.

Cousin Nick:
You don't just die from cancer, Jason.

Jason Kelly:
Being a corporate lawyer is awesome. I get to handle SCC compliance...

Dick Kelly:
No sh*t.

Jason Kelly:
Yeah, yeah.

Dick Kelly:
You handle SCC compliance?

Jason Kelly:
LP agreements...

Dick Kelly:
Oh, man! I didn't know that!

Jason Kelly:
LLC agreements...

Dick Kelly:
You're shitting me.

Jason Kelly:
Being a corporate lawyer, you know, it's got its upsides.

Dick Kelly:
You know what I'd rather do?

Jason Kelly:
What?

Dick Kelly:
I'd rather let Queen Latifah sh*t in my mouth from a f***ing hot air balloon.

Dick Kelly:
Hey, you know your cigars! What are you, half Cuban or something?

Lenore:
Actually I am, Professor. [bends over] The bottom half.

Dick Kelly:
We have a long standing bet - who's the better golfer. Obviously I've got the bigger three wood.

Lenore:
Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls right into my vagina.

Jason Kelly:
Holy sh*t.

Jason Kelly:
[shows up in a yellow sweater and plaid slacks] Well, how do I look?

Dick Kelly:
Like the keynote speaker at a butt-f***ing convention.

Lenore:
For what it's worth, I still really wanna f*** you.

Dick Kelly:
Oh, we're gonna f***.

Lenore:
Yeah, we are.

Dick Kelly:
We're gonna thunderf***.

Lenore:
You're gonna tsunami on my face.

Dick Kelly:
You're gonna flood like the Nile.

Lenore:
Yeah, I guess the drought in my p*ssy is finally over.

Dick Kelly:
The villagers will finally eat.

Lenore:
If you're gonna die while you're eating me out, I want your last breath to be in my p*ssy.

Cody:
Lenore, you're such a slut!

Lenore:
I like your pull out couch.

Dick Kelly:
Yeah? Well I got news for ya, that's the only thing that's gonna be pulling out tonight.