Dog Bites Man

Kevin Beekin:
May I ask why you brought a razor to this meeting?

Alan Finger:
I thought we were here to talk about facial sensitivity.

Tillie Sullivan:
Ask him how many times he thinks a woman has to experiment before she's considered a lesbian.

Kevin Beekin:
Speaking on behalf of the lesbian community, how many acts... of lesbianics, I don't know the word. How many acts of lesbianics does it take before she's considered a lesbian?

Gay Man:
Without making anyone uncomfortable... I'd rather not try to speculate on that question.

Tillie Sullivan:
I heard it was five.

Gay Man:
I would agree with that, yeah.

Kevin Beekin:
Isn't it no longer considered experimenting once you know what it is?

Alan Finger:
You look nice, Tillie.

Tillie Sullivan:
Well thank you Allan! I appreciate that.

Alan Finger:
You're like a hooker. It's nice.

[at a racial sensitivity seminar]

Marty Shonson:
Well, I have definitely looked down the double-barrel of the racist shotgun... in that I was made fun of a lot when I was a youngster for [pointing to his red hair] the old cinnamon bush up top. And uh, you know they called me all kinds of names. You know: carrot top, cinnamon top, copper top, cheeto head, cheeto top, butt pirate, ginger snap.

Kevin Beekin:
I don't think, uh..."butt pirate" is referring to your red hair. It's a slang for gay people.

Marty Shonson:
I think it refers more to pirates being of Danish decent, the Vikings and whatnot, they were red-haired. And I think the "butt" part is just sort of adding insult to injury. You know, sort of a seaman taunt.

Tillie Sullivan:
It becomes the pirate, the reference is it's referring to pillaging butts.

Alan Finger:
Personally, sometimes I feel like I'm the black guy.

David Dalke:
Say more.

Alan Finger:
I'm just a really good freestyle dancer.

Tillie Sullivan:
[at a racial sensitivity seminar] I had a dream that I was having sex with a black man. I didn't know if that was racist - in my dream - to be so specific, or was that really open-minded because I was willing to have sex with him? And in the dream, he had sort of the stereotypical large penis... and I felt like that was racist. But in the dream it came out that he was dean of the Harvard law school... so then I thought maybe it balanced out.

Kevin Beekin:
[Kevin is planning to go undercover as a homosexual] I don't know if I'm believable as a gay.

Marty Shonson:
Well, a lot of your fan mail does say "Kevin Beekin is a homo."

Kevin Beekin:
I'm gonna have to get inside the mind of a gay. Like, where do gays go?

Tillie Sullivan:
Uh, I think you could be a gay ordering food at a restaraunt. Start there.

Kevin Beekin:
Do they do that?

Tillie Sullivan:
I would assume so, right?

Marty Shonson:
Sure.

Kevin Beekin:
I don't know... what do they order?

Tillie Sullivan:
I don't know. Marty, find out what gay people eat.

Marty Shonson:
You got it.

Kevin Beekin:
One of the biggest dangers at Spring Break is peer pressure. Even bands, when I grew up, we had a band called the Spin Doctors. Their lead singer Kurt Cobain killed himself and that was the end of the Spin Doctors. What about crack? What if Whitney Houston's crack pipe could talk, what would it say? I'll tell you what it would say. It would say, 'Looks like your 'greatest love of all' is crack and not music. Or if Nick Nolte's liver could talk, you know what it would say? It would say, 'I'm tired of pissing blood.'

Tillie Sullivan:
You wrote a song?

Alan Finger:
Yeah, I wrote a song. It's called "Come on and Get It, I Wanna Get Up in Them Guts. It's kind of a combination of "Who Let The Dogs Out?" and "Whoomp! There It Is." It's a love song.

Kevin Beekin:
I was 13 years old, I had a quarter bottle of southern comfort as a young man. I woke up in the mall in a Brookstone sitting in a massage chair with an erection. Its tragic. That was the most embarrassing thing of my life.

Alan Finger:
Hey Marty, wanna hear a joke?

Marty Shonson:
Well sure, go ahead!

Alan Finger:
Knock knock.

Marty Shonson:
Who's there?

Alan Finger:
Me.

Marty Shonson:
Me who?

Alan Finger:
Me-Hoo is the town where my father was killed in 'Nam.

Marty Shonson:
[Marty laughs hysterically while Alan remains dead serious] I'm sorry, I thought you said it was a joke.

Alan Finger:
Yeah, I forgot it wasn't