Don't Throw That Knife

Moe:
Larry you play part of the husband of the house, you play his wife.

Shemp:
Oh, no I wouldn't be his wife.

Larry:
Why not?

Shemp:
You're not my type.

Moe:
[Shemp and Larry are pretending to be a couple] Good morning what is your name please?

Shemp:
Shempena Howard.

Moe:
Well married or single?

Shemp:
Married and this is my husband, the rat.

Larry:
Cut it out.

Moe:
Tell me Sir, have you any children?

Larry:
[Larry counts his fingers] No children.

Moe:
Where were you born, madam?

Shemp:
In the hospital.

Moe:
Hospital?

Shemp:
Yes, I want to be near my mother.

Larry:
What does your husband do?

Lucy Wyckoff:
He's an expert in legerdemain.

Larry:
Legerdemain. Oh, a bookkeeper.

Lucy Wyckoff:
No, he's a prestidigitator.

Shemp:
Oh, a pants presser?

Moe:
Are you guys ignorant? Didn't you hear the lady say? He presses refrigerators.

Shemp, Larry:
Oh!

Lucy Wyckoff:
No, no, no. We do an illusion act in vaudeville. He's a magician. He makes things disappear.

Shemp:
I got an uncle who can make things disappear.

Moe:
Is he a magician?

Shemp:
No, he's a kleptomaniac.

Moe:
Remember, we're census takers, not ordinary idiots.