Dream On

Claire:
I'm sorry, is the smoke bothering you?

Martin:
Actually, yes.

Claire:
Then don't inhale.

Gibby:
How's the operation?

Martin:
What operation?

Gibby:
Since you handed in your son's book to your mistress, I assume you got a new pair of balls.

Eddie Charles:
Beef with Broccoli.

Martin Tupper:
Ah... Kung Pao Chicken. Ah... Garlic Shrimp...

Eddie Charles:
Beef with Broccoli. Beef with Broccoli! BEEF WITH BROCCOLI!

Martin Tupper:
Three Beef with Broccoli.

Eddie Charles:
...and appetizers... Get appetizers!

Martin Tupper:
...And egg rolls... Two orders... Four orders!... and ah... extra mustard.

Toby Pedalbee:
[Judith and Martin are discussing what to do about the joint found in their son Jeremy's bedroom, when Toby bursts in] 'Scuse me, I couldn't help but overhear.

Martin Tupper:
Maybe that's because you were listening on the intercom.

Toby Pedalbee:
Right, so I couldn't help but overhear. You want my advice? Buy the kid a pony... My friend Mary Elizabeth always wanted a pony, but her parents wouldn't spring for one. By the time she was sixteen, she was smokin' so much dope, Panama named a highway after her. They caught her in a hot Maserati, sent her up for a couple-a years. Now she's got a file with the FBI, and a tattoo on her butt that says, "Marge".

Gibby:
Marty, just skimming through your space book here. Made the little hairs on my pouch stand on end.

Gibby:
Now, as my dear old mum used to say, "You can't suck your thumb and your dick at the same time."

Self-Defense Instructor:
[after being mugged, Martin and Eddie take a self-defense class] All right, class, mugging situation. What should Mr Tepper have done?

Martin Tupper:
Tupper.

Elderly Lady:
[angrily] Waste the scum-bag.

Self-Defense Instructor:
Good. Now, Mr Tuber...

Martin Tupper:
Tupper.

Self-Defense Instructor:
...please explain just how you were attacked.

Martin Tupper:
He sorta came at me... [he begins to demonstrate by raising his hands]

Self-Defense Instructor:
Class, what should I do?

Elderly Lady:
[enraged] Rip his balls off.

Martin Tupper:
[Martin is on the phone discussing a client's new book] Actually, I got a little confused in Chapter 3. Now, the countess is caught in bed with the Arabian. Right. Uh, who's the Arabian? Oh. Oh, then I did read it right. Why is she having an affair with her horse? [the scene cuts to a vintage clip of Tallulah Bankhead saying, "Oh, no, I've got to have a horse today!" The use of black-and-white clips from old films and television is an ongoing comic device in this series]

Charlotte:
[Martin is having a hard time dealing with his recent discovery that his girlfriend once made pornographic films] Look, I think what we have is pretty terrific. And if you can just get past the fact that I once appeared as Princess Lay-Her in Star Whores, then I think we have a shot.

Eddie Charles:
[they kiss; later, in a locker room, Eddie adds his two cents worth] Face it, bud. We all want to pretend that every woman that we go to bed with is a virgin. Or, if she's not, she's only done it once, and it was really, really bad.

Martin Tupper:
Oh, come on.

Eddie Charles:
No, I'm serious, man. You're in trouble. I mean, the rest of us only have to deal with old love letters and photo albums, but you? You've got to handle VHS and Beta.

Martin Tupper:
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm fine. I'm really fine. It's not a big deal. So she made a couple of porno films.

Nosey Guy:
[another guy in the locker room suddenly pays attention] Really? Which ones?

Eddie Charles:
[sharply] None of your business!

Martin Tupper:
Look, man, I think Charlotte is great. I really do, and I think you two can be very happy, as long as you can accept the fact that every time you look at her, you're gonna see her dressed as Gretel, spankin' a six-foot Hansel.

Nosey Guy:
Who-hooa, that's your girlfriend?

Sir Roland Moorecock:
This is not a tornado! I've felt more wind from my grandmother's ass.

Sir Roland Moorecock:
I don't generally fraternize with the help but as I have no friends of my own I am going to invite you all to my little shack in the country this weekend.

Sir Roland Moorecock:
It will give me the opportunity to see how pale and flabby your bodies are in swimming attire.

Sir Roland Moorecock:
I don't know what to say except... I DON'T CARE! And I will see you all in Brazil!

Sir Roland Moorecock:
It's alright, Roselle. He's nobody.

[Martin and Kay are kissing as they walk into the room]

Martin Tupper:
You know, Kay, now that you're my assistant editor, maybe we, we shouldn't do this anymore.

Kay Meadows:
Well, what if I apply for an eight-hour leave of absence?

Martin Tupper:
Granted.