Drop Dead Fred

Fred:
Well why don't we harpoon Charles straight through the head, drag him back to the apartment, and hit him with a hammer until he agrees to come back?

Elizabeth:
Harpoon him through the head. That won't work Fred.

Fred:
Why not? How many times have you tried it?

Elizabeth:
Mother, do you remember when I was little, I had a friend, he was make-believe?

Polly:
No.

Elizabeth:
Don't you remember? Only I could see him?

Polly:
No, I don't remember Drop Dead Fred at all.

Fred:
It takes more than a fire truck to stop Drop Dead Fred.

Fred:
I can't believe we left the party so soon. And there was so much wine to spit around the place.

Elizabeth:
I got upset.

Fred:
"I got upset." God, you're so stupid. You never leave a party 'til the very very end.

Elizabeth:
Oh really?

Fred:
Yeah really.

Elizabeth:
Well what about Cinderella? Remember what happened with her?

Fred:
No I don't remember what happened *with her*. I deliberately forgot all about her. She made me puke. I remember the ugly stepsisters, they were great.

Elizabeth:
Oh, I almost forgot.

Fred:
Look, you've got you now. You don't need me.

Young Elizabeth:
Maybe Mommy's right. I never do anything right.

Fred:
No! You're great. She's not.

Young Elizabeth:
Did they live happily ever after?

Polly:
Of Course Elizabeth.

Young Elizabeth:
How do you know?

Polly:
Because, she was a good little girl, if she would have been naughty, the Prince would have run away.

Young Elizabeth:
What a pile of sh*t.

Fred:
No panties. No panties.

Fred:
Drown the fishes.

Fred:
You see when something's not working right, the best thing to do is tear it apart to make it better.

Young Elizabeth:
Daddy, why don't we throw mommy out the window? It won't hurt her. She'll land in the gladiolas.

Fred:
Oh no, Mickey Fart-Pants. Whoever let HIM grow up?

Fred:
Morning. Who's for snot flicking?

Fred:
Is it? It is. the mega-b*tch.

Fred:
Hold on, hold on that's now how the pigeons do it. You're supposed to stamp on her head and peck her

Fred:
Hello, snotface. Yuck what happened to you? You're all older, you're even uglier look I'm sorry I'm going to have to be sick all over you majorly lie down.

Fred:
I don't love you because love is for girls and girls are disgusting

Fred:
I am a loner, a crazy wide eyed loner on a doomed mission to Venus to battle with the 3 headed mega beast but on the way I caught cornflakes disease.

Fred:
Snotface, look... INK - let's write something on the carpet... I know how 'bout "Mother SUCKS".

Fred:
You just put a piece of broccoli in your mouth and said, "Mm, what a lovely piece of broccoli."

"Ah! My head! The Mega-B*tch squashed my head! The b*tch! She squashed my head! The evil one reigns supreme!"

Lizzie:
Annabelle, is that her name? Oh god, I didn't know that. All I know is what you did with her, on our sofa.

Charles:
Oh Lizzie, I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. I've been smitten by Annabelle, I've been bewitched by her. I have been pounded flat on the anvil of love like a piece of veal with a salad on top.

Lizzie:
Charles, this is really important to me.

Charles:
Lizzie, Lizzie, let's not go through all this goodbye, I never want to see you again, because we will wanna see each other again. I mean two years, we're not going to throw away two years, are we?

Lizzie:
It was three years, in June.

Lizzie:
I'm so sorry, your honour, I lost my money, my car, my husband.

Judge:
All in one lunch hour?

Nigel:
[confused for a minute, then pleased to hear about Drop Dead Fred] Honey, why do you call him Drop Dead Fred?

Young Elizabeth:
[sweetly] Because that's his name, daddy, and Drop Dead Fred is going to teach me how to cook today. [this makes Nigel very happy to know about Drop Dead Fred and the cooking as Lizzie continues] I'm going to need flour and sugar and honey and vodka and a pair of your pants. We're making pants pie. Ouch!

Polly:
[confused] Vodka and pants pie, huh? God knows what else?

Nigel:
But she's only a kid, Polly.

Young Elizabeth:
Daddy, how about we throw Mommy out the window? It won't hurt her. She will land right in the gladiolas. [then she gets tickled by Nigel]

Nigel:
[trying not to laugh] You shouldn't say things like that about your mother, or she might cut your head off.

Polly:
[upset] Very funny, Elizabeth! Sometimes I think I don't love you as much as I used to.

Young Elizabeth:
But, Mom, Drop Dead Fred does.

Polly:
[angrily] No more Drop Dead Fred! Period!

Young Elizabeth:
[carrying a bowl of sugar] Sugar?

Drop Dead Fred:
Yeah. [Lizzie pours sugar on the mud pie]

[Deleted Scene]

Young Elizabeth:
[sobbing, jumping off her chair and running to her father] Dad! Daddy, I have some bad news.

Nigel:
Lizzie, what's with all this fuss about?

Young Elizabeth:
[sobbing] Something's wrong with Drop Dead Fred. [Nigel gasps] He is my friend, but Mom took him away from me.

Nigel:
[hugging her by holding her on his lap, trying to comfort her] Don't worry, sweetheart, give me a chance. I'm sure he'll be okay. [Lizzie nods her head even in sobs, hugging her father back]

[Polly finds the tape to wind Drop Dead Fred's prison, ignoring Lizzie's sobs]

Polly:
Nigel, do it.

Nigel:
No, I won't, I don't want anything to do it! It's not right!

Polly:
Alright, I'll do it. [winding up Fred's prison while Lizzie wipes her tears away after Nigel kisses her and then goes to Polly]

Nigel:
[repeating] It's not RIGHT!

Polly:
Now what would you know about raising a child?!

Nigel:
[getting his jacket] Apparently nothing! [walks out to the door]

Polly [to Lizzie, sternly] Elizabeth, if you ever touch this again, I'm gonna throw it in the trash. And you know what will happen next? He will be crushed to death.

[as Polly goes upstairs to put Drop Dead Fred's prison away in a place where Lizzie is not to find it again, Lizzie looks as if she will cry, she controls herself, wiping her tears away, lets out only a sigh, gets up and goes to the kitchen to clean up the mess she and Drop Dead Fred made]

Young Elizabeth:
[writing a letter to Fred with a green crayon (because green is his favorite color] "Dear Drop Dead Fred, you were my only friend, but she took you away from me. I know I'll see you again. someday."

[Cut back to the present]

Fred:
"If you come back, I promise, we'll run away together." See that? "Pro-mise." I found that when I was hiding in the stupid garden shed.

Lizzie:
That's right, that's where I hid it. But you never answered it. [Fred takes the letter and folds it up delicately, putting it in his pocket] You just disappeared... And when you did, all the... the... life... and, um... the spirit... [she starts to cry while remembering] and... the...

Fred:
[hesitantly] Fred?

Lizzie:
Yeah! Fred! It all just went out of me! [dabs her eyes with a tissue] Oh, I should have never let my mother know how much she could hurt me... Once she knew how, she knew that she could do it all the time... And she did. So I never showed her my real feelings again.

Mickey:
We were all a little afraid of your mother.

Lizzie:
Not Fred, he always stood up for me.

Mickey:
Well that's what friends are for - even imaginary ones.

Janie:
I did this self actualising course this week and basically they taught us that pain is your friend, it's your humanity, pain makes you interesting.

Elizabeth:
Janie...

Janie:
Look at Elvis.

Elizabeth:
Yeah, but didn't Elvis kill himself?

Janie:
Yes, but before that he was very, very interesting.

Fred:
Expecting Charles. Well that's important. I'd better go then. There's just one little problem, Charles isn't coming.

Lizzie:
what do you mean?

Fred:
I wrote the note. [laughs] Haven't got a husband, haven't got a husband! Got a stupid haircut!

Lizzie:
I have some bad news for you.

Janie:
More?

Lizzie:
Well, remember your house?

Janie:
Yeah.

Lizzie:
It- It sank.

Lizzie:
I heard you, you said "Annabelle".

Charles:
If I said "Oh, Annabelle". isn't it better that I said "Oh Annabelle" and was here with you, than to say "Oh, Lizzie" and be somewhere else with Annabelle.

[A vision of Polly appears at the door in front of Lizzie and Fred, stopping them in their tracks]

Polly:
Just where do you think you're going?!

Fred:
[to Lizzie] Just forget her. Just say the magic words.

Lizzie:
[tonelessly] I'm not afraid of you.

Polly You can't go in there.

Lizzie:
[louder] I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!

Fred:
Finally, The magic words!

[The imaginary Polly looks shocked as she disappears in a flash of light and fire]

Drop Dead Fred:
[looking up Mother's skirt off-screen] Look, cobwebs!

Drop Dead Fred:
You have to go alone...I can't get back now.

Tagline:
Dishes. Relationships. Wind. This guy breaks everything.