Due Date

Ethan Tremblay:
Holy Moses, it's like I'm traveling with a child!

Peter Highman:
Have you used the restroom?

Ethan Tremblay:
Good point, I need to take a pee-pee. [walks towards the restroom with a childish walk]

Ethan Tremblay:
Where's your dad?

Peter Highman:
Uh... no idea.

Ethan Tremblay:
When's the last time you saw him?

Peter Highman:
1977. He had his bags packed at the door and he picked them up and put in the back of his car. And, uh, drove away. Last time I ever saw him.

Ethan Tremblay:
[begins laughing hysterically]

Ethan Tremblay:
That's so funny! My dad would never do that, he loved me!

Peter Highman:
If I miss the birth of my own child, I'm gonna choke you out with your own scarf. Wrap that thing 'round your head, and choke you out.

Ethan Tremblay:
Sounds a bit... drastic.

Ethan Tremblay:
[from trailer] [talking to a can full of his dad's ashes] Dad... You were like a father to me.

Border Crossing Agent:
[from trailer ] Why are your eyes so glassy? You been partying?

Ethan Tremblay:
No, I have glaucoma.

Border Crossing Agent:
What about the dog? Does he have glaucoma? His eyes are glassy too.

Ethan Tremblay:
[from trailer ] [after taking another sip from a cup of coffee made from his dad's ashes] Oh God! I'm so stupid.

Ethan Tremblay:
[from trailer] My father always had a saying "When a day starts like this it's all uphill from here.

Peter Highman:
Uphill? No, it's all downhill from here.

Ethan Tremblay:
But nobody wants to be down, everybody wants to be up. It's all uphill from here.

Peter Highman:
But it's easier to go downhill. So your dad had no idea what the f*** he was talking about.

Ethan Tremblay:
[rehearsing a monologue from The Godfather]

Heidi:
That was really good, especially the second paragraph about the killing.

Barry:
Really good.

Heidi:
Did you write that?

Ethan Tremblay:
No, the mafia did.

Peter Highman:
I'm sorry I spat on your dog. I have no recollection of that.

Peter Highman:
Okay, I've calmed down a bit.

Ethan Tremblay:
You ready to apologize?

Peter Highman:
What? F*** you!

Peter Highman:
I despise who you are on a cellular level.

Ethan Tremblay:
Okay, I've heard that before and I'm trying to work on it.

Peter Highman:
I have to get back to Los Angeles.

TSA Agent:
Have you ever seen the movie Forrest Gump? He ran across the U.S. and he was pretty stupid. I have faith in you.

Peter Highman:
How have you made it this far? How have you not run yourself over in a car?

Ethan Tremblay:
I've done that.

Ethan Tremblay:
My father loved coffee, and now we loved him as coffee.

Ethan Tremblay:
I have a photogenic memory.

Ethan Tremblay:
I got ninety friends on Facebook, twelve of them are pending, but I got ninety friends.

Peter Highman:
Okay, if you are going to travel with we have to set a few ground rules. First off, no asking me any questions. Second, if you fall asleep for any reason other than that you are in a bed and it's nighttime, I will strangle you. Third, if you are allergic to waffles, don't eat them.

Ethan Tremblay:
Then don't take me to a Waffle House.

Ethan Tremblay:
Give me a scene.

Peter Highman:
Okay, I'm Julia Roberts. We are engaged to be married. You have terminal cancer. Break the news to me.

Ethan Tremblay:
Julia Roberts, as you know, we are engaged to be married. I have terminal cancer.

Peter Highman:
Awful, just awful. I didn't buy into that one bit.

Ethan Tremblay:
I thought that was really good.

Peter Highman:
Okay, it's the Super Bowl. You're a coach with a spotty career. You are down 31-0 at halftime and you need to motivate your team.

Ethan Tremblay:
That wouldn't work in a movie.

Peter Highman:
You kidding me? It's in a movie every two years.

[Ethan walks out of the bathroom]

Ethan Tremblay:
[Ethan storms back into the bathroom] Come on guys! You, Allan, you're playing like a girl out there. What are you, a girl or something? You, Smith, what are you, a girl or something?

Peter Highman:
Okay, your wife calls. She wants a divorce.

Ethan Tremblay:
The coach's wife?

Peter Highman:
Yes, the coach. The character you're playing.

Ethan Tremblay:
Come on, guys. [Ethan picks up his phone] Hold on a minute, guys. Hello? What? You're leaving me? No! I can't have this happening to me. My dad died, and now this.

Peter Highman:
You are a colonel in my platoon and you promised to get me home to my high school sweetheart.

[Ethan pukes into Peter's wound]

Ethan Tremblay:
I'm sorry. I puked into the wound.

Peter Highman:
That's okay.

[Peter gets confused by the sudden change of look on Ethan's face]

Ethan Tremblay:
Get in the back, private. What are you, a girl or something?

Ethan Tremblay:
JK. LOL. HI. Hop in.

Lonnie:
[sung to the tune of Closing Time by Semisonic] It's closing time, time to roll to Chili's and chow down with my f***in' boys.

[first lines]

Peter Highman:
I just had the strangest dream. It's Friday. We're at the hospital. But it's not a hospital, it's a, a, a forest of sorts. And I know that because right next to you there's a bear. A grizzly, cooling his feet in a stream. And all of a sudden, you begin to deliver, and I can't get to you. But the bear can. And the next thing I know, he is holding our beautiful baby boy. And here's where it gets odd. Uh, he chews the cord. But, strangely, I'm okay with it. That's gotta be a good sign.

Peter Highman:
Why are your father's ashes in a coffee can?

Ethan Tremblay:
Because he's dead, Peter.

Peter Highman:
I didn't sleep last night. I'm gonna try now.

Ethan Tremblay:
Well you really should have masturbated, cuz I had a glorious orgasm and I slept like a baby.

Ethan Tremblay:
Dr. Greene says it happens all the time. You know, ultrasounds aren't always reliable.

Peter Highman:
Right.

Ethan Tremblay:
Little Rosie.

Peter Highman:
Rosie? Little Rosie Highman. Does that sound strange to you?

Sarah Highman:
You love him, you now you love him.

Peter Highman:
I survived him. There's a difference.

[last lines]

Charlie Harper:
You got any more pot?

Ethan Tremblay:
Not for $9 an hour I don't... I mean, I don't know what you're talking about.

Ethan Tremblay:
[At the Western Union after some ID troubles] Oh, jeepers creepers. He's right. He's right.

Peter Highman:
What do you mean "he's right"?

Ethan Tremblay:
Ethan Tremblay is my stage name. [to clerk] I'm an actor.

Peter Highman:
Stage name.

Ethan Tremblay:
Yeah.

Peter Highman:
What is your real name?

Ethan Tremblay:
Ethan Chase, but it doesn't sound like an actor's name.

Peter Highman:
[Annoyed] Ethan Chase sounds like the name of an actor. Ethan Tremblay doesn't make any goddamn sense. Okay? It's confusing. It sounds like it was made up...

Ethan Tremblay:
Yeah. I made it up.

Peter Highman:
Ethan, I *know* you made it up. It's your f***ing stage name! Why did you have my wife wire money to your stage name...?

Ethan Tremblay:
I wasn't thinking!

Peter Highman:
Right.

Ethan Tremblay:
I'm just trying to commit to the new name...

Peter Highman:
The dog is masturbating!

Peter Highman:
That was William Shakespeare. Have you heard of him?

Ethan Tremblay:
Yes, I've heard of Shakespeare. He was a famous pirate.

Peter Highman:
What were you thinking when you spent almost all of our money on drugs?

Ethan Tremblay:
I don't think in those terms.

Peter Highman:
What terms do you think in?

Ethan Tremblay:
I'm not an accountant, Peter. I'm not even Jewish.

Peter Highman:
Are you an adult?

Ethan Tremblay:
Of course I'm an adult. I'm 23 years old.

Peter Highman:
You are the most shot-out 23-year-old I've ever seen. How have you made it this far? How have you not run yourself over in a car?

Ethan Tremblay:
I've done that.

Peter Highman:
How have you survived? That's my question.

Ethan Tremblay:
Mostly luck.

Peter Highman:
Yeah. That's what I thought. Just dumb f***ing luck.

Peter Highman:
I'm telling you. I wouldn't make it up.

Ethan Tremblay:
You sure? I could've sworn I read it was man-made.

Peter Highman:
Nope. Not correct. Very old. Formed over time. Grand Canyon. Known fact.

Ethan Tremblay:
Peter, I have a photogenic memory. I have recall for...

Peter Highman:
Ethan, I promise you. It's old. It's the Grand Canyon, it's not Hoover Dam.

Ethan Tremblay:
Well, I know it's not the Hoover Dam, that was built by the Pilgrims.

Peter Highman:
Also incorrect.

Peter Highman:
I'm sorry we drank your father.