Duplex

Alex Rose:
What are we? Hobbits?

Mrs. Connelly:
I don't drink meself, it's a sin.

Mrs. Connelly:
It went bang-bang-bangety-bang-bang-BANG-BANG!

Nancy Kendricks:
  Besides, do you realise how much the duplex is going to be worth once we get both floors?

Alex Rose:
  I know how much it costs.

Nancy Kendricks:
  Well it's going to be worth like a bazillion times that.

Alex Rose:
  Really?  A bazillion?  That's an incredible return.

Alex Rose:
  We brought you this little housewarming gift.  [gives Mrs. Connelly a bottle of wine]

Mrs. Connelly:
  Oh, that's very kind of you, thank you.  I'll open it for you.  I don't drink myself, it's a sin.

Alex Rose:
  [to Nancy]  Irish Catholics don't drink?

Mrs. Connelly:
  Sit down, dears, sit down!  I brought ya a little something to nibble on as well.

Alex Rose:
  Oh, Bugles.  Wow, I didn't realise they even still made Bugles.

Mrs. Connelly:
  [offering Alex a Bugle dipped in French onion dip]  Come along, dear, it's French onion.

Alex Rose:
  [nibbles while looking at Bugles box; sees expiration date reads "October 1997"]  Magnificent parrot.

Mrs. Connelly:
  It's not a parrot, dear.  He's a macaw.  He's named after my late husband, Richard.  I've had Little Dick for forty years.  [Alex and Nancy smile]  Now tell me about yourselves.  What do you do, Allen?

Alex Rose:
  [correcting her]  Alex.

Nancy Kendricks:
  Alex is a writer.

Mrs. Connelly:
  Oh, a writer. I always thought of that as more of a hobby than a real job.  I suppose I'm forgettin' about Joyce.

Alex Rose:
  Joyce, James Joyce, of course.  Wonderful writer.

Mrs. Connelly:
  He died drunk and penniless.

Nancy Kendricks:
  Well, Alex's first novel was published in hardback, and he's just about to finish his second one.

Mrs. Connelly:
  Oh, what's it about?

Alex Rose:
  Well, I like to call it an urban epic.  It's about three generations of this family in New York that own a printing press, and I tell a story mainly about—

Mrs. Connelly:
  [bored, cutting him off]  Oh, that's nice.  Let me give you a refill.  Big Dick had the taste, too.  He was a seaman.  The drink took him from me in 1963.  We'd been married for 58 years.  [Nancy counts silently]

Alex Rose:
  I wonder how old she is.

Nancy Kendricks:
  My guess is that she's somewhere between 95 and 105.

Alex Rose:
  I'm sorry, I don't hear anything.

Mrs. Connelly:
  It was very distinctive.  The pipes went "bang bang, bangety bang bang…bang, bang."

Herman:
  Nancy, did you finish the Celebrity Scene page?

Nancy Kendricks:
  Oh, tickety boo.

Herman:
  I don't know what that means.

Nancy Kendricks:
  It means you'll have it soon.

Herman:
  Well if you mean I'll have it soon, then why don't you say "I'll have it soon"?  I mean, "tickety boo" is just confusing, for everybody!

Nancy Kendricks:
  Were you napping?

Alex Rose:
  No!  I was…I was just rearranging my book collection.

Nancy Kendricks:
  In the dark?

Alex Rose:
  And then I just shut my eyes, for a second…

Nancy Kendricks:
  Look!  I got a peacock!

Alex Rose:
  What does it do?

Nancy Kendricks:
  It's there to be decorative and look pretty and be aesthetically pleasing.

Herman:
  And what do you do, Chick?

Chick:
  I'm a pornographer.  Let me give you my card, you know, just in case.

Mrs. Connelly:
  I always thought it was strange, your husband staying home while you were out there, providin'.

Nancy Kendricks:
  Well, he's a writer.

Mrs. Connelly:
  [laughs]  Writer?  The man naps more than a newborn pup.  What's he writing about, sheep?

Nancy Kendricks:
  Is there something, Mrs. Connelly?

Mrs. Connelly:
  Oh, I guess ya could say there was something!  I've got 'something' on display in my kitchen.

[cut to a scene in Connelly's kitchen]

Nancy Kendricks:
  That is not a mouse dropping, it's a raisin.

Mrs. Connelly:
  That is the leavings of a mouse.

Nancy Kendricks:
  It's a raisin!  [puts the raisin in mouth; expression turns to disgust as she hacks up raisin]

Mrs. Connelly:
  I spayed it with Lysol.

Mrs. Connelly:
  [regains consciousness, notices Nancy's hands on her chest]  What are ya doin'?!

Nancy Kendricks:
  You were choking on a chocolate.

[Connelly looks at Alex who has lipstick on his lips from reviving her]

Alex Rose:
  You choked on a chocolate.

Mrs. Connelly:
  Awww!

[cut to the police station]

Officer Dan:
  Go on, Mrs. Connelly.

Mrs. Connelly:
  The last thing I remember, I ate one of their chocolates.  When I woke up, he was havin' his way, and she was holdin' me down!

Alex Rose:
  No, no, I was trying to save her life!

Mrs. Connelly:
  He stole my drawers once.  For sniffin'!

Alex Rose:
  That's ridiculous!  She was choking on a chocolate so I gave—

Officer Dan:
  Do shut up.

Nancy Kendricks:
  Come on, come on.  We don't have much time.

Alex Rose:
  I know, she's running errands.  That only gives us twelve f***ing hours.

Nancy Kendricks:
  Poor Mr. Peabody!

Alex Rose:
  He took one for the team.

Mrs. Connelly:
I'm coming.  Slowly but surely!

Mrs. Connelly:
Come along dear, don't be shy!  It's French Onion.

Mrs. Connelly:
[the clock shows almost 5:30 PM]  Oh, look at the time!  I had no idea it was so late!

Mrs. Connelly:
Could you give me a hand with the garbage?  We don't wannna be feedin' the mice.

Mrs. Connelly:
[after Alex spills the garbage on the stairway and, disgusted, holds up Mrs. Connelly's underwear with a paper towel roll]  What in heaven's name are you doin' with me drawers!?

Mrs. Connelly:
It's pissin' down out there!

Mrs. Connelly:
A bit of music and a bit of a dance!

Mrs. Connelly:
It's loose as a Dublin whore!

Mrs. Connelly:
Upchuck is a delicacy for Little Dick.  He's salivatin'.

Mrs. Connelly:
Off we go, Dicky Boy.

Mrs. Connelly:
You caught me.  I can't help but sneak a fag once in a blue moon.

Mrs. Connelly:
Nice seein' ya again, Kenneth.

Mrs. Connelly:
Use some elbow grease.

Alex Rose:
Blow me down!

Alex Rose:
I could have sworn we had more stuff.

Alex Rose:
[reading a dictionary entry]  "Macaw: any long tailed, brightly-colored parrot."  A macaw is a parrot, I knew it!

Alex Rose:
It's horrible.  My parents read this magazine.  Now they know my penis is called Mr. Peabody!

Alex Rose:
She just manipulated me somehow.  She's very crafty.  She's a crafty old…lady.

Alex Rose:
Besides, how can I have time to rewrite my novel and still do my faithful servant duty to her as her little indentured servant person.  Her little butt boy.  I mean, I got a lot of duties, honey.  She might need me to go out and count grapes with her, or help her fix her heater, or go take her to the laundry, or I got to go help her clean her banana skins, or I got to go clean out her garbage, and I got to go help her fill her monthlies out, or go and wipe her ass!  God forbid she have any sh*t hanging off her ass!  Because then I have to run up there double time like a little bunny, and I have to go up there with my little tissue and I have to go wipe her little ass and then I have to say, "Oh, good for you, Mrs. Connelly.  Good for you for having such a nice little poopie.  What's that?  You've got some poopie on your diapey?  Well let me clean it off—with my tongue!"

Nancy Kendricks:
Hello, Mr. Peabody!

Nancy Kendricks:
It's a peacock!

Nancy Kendricks:
Are those musical instruments?

Nancy Kendricks:
We forgot to christen the apartment.

Nancy Kendricks:
What was she doing?

Nancy Kendricks:
She puts on this sweet voice.  "Nancy, could ya help meh, eh?  I think I've found the leavings of a mouse!"  Boo, hoo, hoo!  As if she didn't know it was a raisin!

Nancy Kendricks:
We'll finally be happy!

[muffled sound of Mrs. Connelly's very loud t.v.]  I saw myself in the mirror and I thought it was my mother's tush.

Tara:
  God, you're such a good squeezer, Nancy.

Herman:
  I don't want it tickety boo, I want it tickety now!

Officer Dan:
  It's my experience that wives don't accidentally shoot their husbands in the penis.