DVD-R Hell

[imitating Jimmy's friends]

Brad Jones:
Ha! Jimmy's attracted to girls! Queer, right?

[imitating Tony]

Brad Jones:
Just saying, your body has a penis! That's pretty gay, bro!

Brad Jones:
It's weird that the things that should've involved mass amounts of cocaine probably didn't involve any.

Brad Jones:
The plot is that the kids are putting on a live show about the Bible, but they're getting stage fright. So leave it to the star of "Cut and Run" to help make their show more wholesome.

Brad Jones:
You're wearing out your welcome, Miles... and Willie Aames.

[Miles transforms into Bibleman; the scene quickly transitions to a title card]

Brad Jones:
Holy sh*t! He just turned into a title card!

Brad Jones:
So, that's Bibleman, huh? He looks like if the Phantom f***ed SpongeBob! Is this what it takes to make Willie Aames look strong? A costume made of FlexiBlocks?

Bibleman/Miles:
Well, how's the show going?

Kid #1:
It's doggone interesting!

Brad Jones:
Hey, hey! Language, little Billy! There's nothing interesting about this!

Kid #2:
Well, the truth is, Bibleman, there probably shouldn't be any show.

Brad Jones:
Right? I agree! These kids should be watching more appropriate things, like Robocop! I've still got my toy from when I was a kid.

[presses button on toy, but nothing happens]

Brad Jones:
Sound effect doesn't work anymore.

Kid #1:
God's probably sitting up there and saying "Nice lame-o show, kids."

Brad Jones:
If God uses words like "lame-o," then I'm becoming an atheist, because apparently, God is Corey Feldman.

Bibleman/Miles:
On the other hand, I don't recall having seen the word "lame-o" in the Bible before.

Brad Jones:
However, the word "ass" is said, like, 87 times. So son, stop being an ass.

[Bibleman hears distant evil laughter from above]

Decepto:
You are beaten, Bible-Blip!

Brad Jones:
Oh, Dr. Insano, how could you stoop this low?

Decepto:
No longer will you spread that ridiculous truth! From now on, all deception is mine!

Bibleman/Miles:
You can't win, Decepto!

Brad Jones:
Okay, I don't care what you call him. It's Dr. Insano, and I'd give anything to see Willie Aames and Scott Baio's asses sewn together.

[last lines]

Brad Jones:
I may be going to Hell, but at least I got in some good Willie Aames jokes first. Plus, before I forget, the ending teaser to this "Bibleman" episode... is just weird.

[after the "Bibleman" episode ends with a title card, we cut to Dr. Insano in front of a prison backdrop]

Dr. Insano:
You may have won this round, Bibleman, but my prison rape was cut short upon notice that I have sewn up my own ass! I will have my revenge, for there is a new scientist in the neighborhood. He lives downstairs, and that is understood! I'm there to take good care of you! Doctor Insano is in charge of your days and your nights, of your wrongs and your rights! And I sing, "I want. I want science in charge of me!"

[first lines]

Brad Jones:
Tell me if this is a good idea for a series: a 1950s-style sitcom starring Hitler and Eva Braun, who live in a suburban household next to their Jewish neighbors. Are you kidding me? It's a great idea! Not for a television series, but for an episode of my "DVD-R Hell show!

[on Hitler's actor]

Brad Jones:
He sounds like the offspring of Ralph Crampton and a wiener schnitzel.

Brad Jones:
I don't know what to say about that. Whenever I feel this uncomfortable, I just turn to classic Donald Duck cartoons for relief.

[clip from "Der Fuehrer's Face" plays]

Brad Jones:
Thank you. Even that made me feel... a little bit better.

Brad Jones:
Oh, nice sweater, Adolf. It's true what they say. When you dress Hitler up in a nice sweater, he's still f***ing Adolf Hitler.

Neville Chamberlain:
You mad, that's what you are! You are raving mad! No, don't try and deny it! You are a very, very naughty little Hitler!

Brad Jones:
Yes, he's naughty. Calling Hitler naughty is like calling Gacy finicky.

Brad Jones:
This whole show is like looking into Norman Lear's fever dreams.

Brad Jones:
After that comedic interval, it's down to business as Chamberlain wants Hitler to agree not to invade Europe.

Neville Chamberlain:
It's just that I feel-well, well, well-well, we all feel that you have been a rather naughty boy. All this Czechoslovakia nonsense, eh?

Adolf Hitler:
Ah, come on, Neville! It was just having fun!

Brad Jones:
Yeah, like when you had thirteen-hundred Czechs executed!

Sol Gordon:
You've got to be an idiot to marry for sex. Of the ten most important things in a relationship, sex is number nine.

Brad Jones:
No, no. You *do* have to be attracted to the person that you're with. Sexual compatibility and mutual attraction is very important. The TV doctor won't tell you this, but I will.

Cameraman:
Be somebody!

Brad Jones:
Thanks, Uwe Boll!

Brad Jones:
I think the '80s might have been the only time when a group of white kids taught a black man in gold jewelry how to breakdance.

Poochinski:
Anyone ever tell you you got a real sexy voice?

Brad Jones:
Anyone tell you you have a stupid name, Poochinski?

[on a scene where Poochinski as a dog makes out with a female coworker]

Brad Jones:
I don't know what's more disturbing: the fact that e's f***ing her, or the fact that she seems to be enjoying it.

Jeff:
What are the main themes of rock music? When I went through my own record collection, I was shocked! And what about the lifestyles of the popular groups and artists? Some are admitted homosexuals!

Brad Jones:
Kid... Go f*** yourself. Your decision is to not listen to rock music. Fine. My decision is that I don't have to listen to any more of what you have to say. Because as soon as you bring your homophobic beliefs into this one-sided conversation, I am done with you.

[first lines]

Brad Jones:
Hey, propaganda! It only took me three episodes in to get into "Reefer Madness" territory. So let's find out why rock music is evil... and why you will probably go to Hell for listening to it.

Brad Jones:
First and foremost, this is not a video of me attacking religion. I would be saying these things no matter what group put out this arguably slanderous film. It's a stupid movie made by very, very stupid people, who don't speak for their entire religion.

Brad Jones:
Once Church is over, he returns to his wicked, sinful ways of having taste in music.

Mrs. Sims:
You're home early. How was the youth meeting tonight?

Jeff:
Oh, it was pretty good. Two kids got saved.

Brad Jones:
Was there an exorcism at this church service? Or a fire? He should really be more specific with that statement!

Brother Owen:
Mrs. Sims, kids identify so closely with their music that if someone attacks that music, it's a personal attack on the kids themselves.

Brad Jones:
Sometimes that's true. I hate most of today's music and I also hate most of today's youth.

Brother Owen:
Do you watch soap operas on television?

Mrs. Sims:
Yes, but what does that...

Brother Owen:
Mrs. Sims, Jeff could scripturally come up with the same arguments for why soap operas are bad as you could for why rock music is bad.

Brad Jones:
Again, very true. Back in the 80's, my love for Tears for Fears did stem from my mom's love of Patch and Kayla. Okay, I love Patch and Kayla, too. "Days of Our Lives" was awesome in the 80's! That's when it had Nick the Pimp!

Brother Owen:
These are, uh, some albums and a couple of tapes from my own personal collection.

Brad Jones:
[imitating Brother Owen] It's this new up-and-comer named Marilyn Manson. I think he's going places. Oh, and here's some Godsmack.

Melissa:
Jeff, did you get the tickets to the rock concert?

Brad Jones:
[imitating Melissa] I'm so excited about it that I'm not even gonna say what the name of the band is!

Melissa:
And I'm going to the concert! Maybe with Dennis; he'd love to go out with me!

Brad Jones:
[imitating Melissa] He has individuality, personality, thinks for himself, sticks up for his tastes... come to think of it, Dennis *is* a much better person than you!

Brad Jones:
After days go by of Jeff's social life falling apart, he has to confide once again to Brother Owen.

Jeff:
It's been six days now. Sometimes I want to change that channel so badly, but I won't.

Brad Jones:
Yeah, f*** free will!

Jeff:
I tried to interview two teenagers at a record department, but when they found out I was a Christian, they hassled me a little bit.

Brad Jones:
They probably hassled you because you went up to strangers and called them godless heathens.

Brad Jones:
You know, at this point, this is getting kinda sad. We are looking at a movie about how this kid's elders are taking something as innocent as his taste in music, and using it to destroy his personality and his life!

[last lines]

Jeff:
Everything that we do should be to glorify Jesus Christ!

[smashes a record on the pulpit]

Brad Jones:
Rock, it's your decision! And I've decided that the most likely conclusion is that ten years after this movie takes place... Jeff probably hung himself. [smiles as Lloyd leaps on top of the couch behind him]

Brad Jones:
As you can imagine, things don't go well. Someone turns on rock music which sends Jeff into a p*ssy - I mean a frenzy.

Marty:
This is a party. What do you want, Amazing Grace?

Jeff:
That's our youth group in there. Then why did you bother to invite me if you plan to play that garbage?

Marty:
Man, it's like I told you before. Don't push it down my throat! Now if you want to have some fun, okay! But if you don't like it, then just go home to Momma!

Brad Jones:
No, no! I want him to stay! Stay and tell me how that instrumental rock song is evil. So far, you've only had a problem with lyrics. So what's the matter with this one? [no answer] Oh, you're not gonna answer? Okay. This far into the movie, I'm not entirely convinced that the audience is supposed to be rooting for Jeff. Who could possibly root for him? Maybe this is a propaganda film on the flipside! It's about how Jeff's religion is turning him into a terrible person!

Brad Jones:
You wanna say music is evil? Fine. That's your right, but you at least have to back it up. This is a really, really depressing movie. I'm not kidding! This is actually one of the more depressing things I've sat through, and I watched "Salo" and "A Serbian Film!" This is a movie about a kid whose love for music is transmorphed into something quote-unquote "evil" by his paranoid parents, until he is turned into a raving, bigoted fanatic, who loses his friends, his personality, and any sense of independence. You can make your point without writing off an entire genre of music as a tool of devil-worshipping, drug-abusing homosexuals. That makes you sound f***ing crazy, especially when your examples are debunked!

Sid Oculus:
Yeah, um, you know, we've, uh, we've spoofed a lot of the classics, you know, uh, not just "When a Stranger Calls." I mean, we've taken, uh, swipes at "Dundee II," "All about Steve," "Windtalkers." I know what you're saying: "These movies have been remade and lampooned to death." But not only can we spoof the spoofable, we can do it better than you. Na-na-a-boo-boo!

Admiral Crackers:
Release the crackers!

Admiral Crackers:
I think the two of you should share the scene together.

Braddie Broderick:
It's not a gay porn, Admiral Crackers.

Admiral Crackers:
The audience doesn't know! When you place the costume over the cavernous buttocks, the deep-sea caves of vagina can turn into the darkened canyons of Sid's a**hole!

Sid Oculus:
Hey, why am I the one wearing the costume?

Admiral Crackers:
Remember those lonely nights in front of the fireplace, with nothing but a cucumber and a bottle of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter? Admiral Crackers remembers.

[everyone turns around to Carl imitating a "nails-on-a-chalkboard" sound effect; he is holding a whiteboard]

Carl Copenhagen:
Did someone say "cameraman"?

[Admiral Crackers is doing a commercial for Admiral Crackers Cereal]

Admiral Crackers:
Say, kids! Care to take a crack at these crackers? From the depths of Davy Jones' locker to the bottom of your bowl! Taste the briny goodness of salt water over delicious, whole grain oyster crackers! Release the crackers!

Brad Jones:
I shouldn't be joking, though. After all, this was aired during UPN Prime, which I imagine is like having VIP tickets to a donkey show.

Narrator #1:
It was the crossroads of our being, and it was a hell of a crossroads.

Narrator #2:
Who would have thought there was a comedy in all that?

Brad Jones:
I don't know. "Curse of the Cannibal Confederates" had some laughs. More laughs than this. Hell, "Glory" had more laughs than this.

Brad Jones:
Sort of a much, much, much lesser version of Comedy Central's "That's My Bush!," which was a satire of the W. years. Excuse me, sir. I knew "That's My Bush!". "That's My Bush!" was a friend of mine. You sir, Desmond Pfeiffer, are no "That's My Bush!".

Narrator #2:
Everything that follows actually happened. You can't prove that it didn't.

Brad Jones:
Hoo, hoo. They really got us with that one. Sort of like how the creators eat kittens, and then feed their flea-infested feces to orphans. What? Prove to me that they don't!

Himself - Host:
Honestly, if a stranger were to f*** with a bear, that'd probably be the last time you heard from that stranger.

Himself - Host:
Okay, you've got my attention. What do I do if I'm approached by a stranger?

Winnie the Pooh:
Number one, say no to strangers!

Himself - Host:
Yeah, but what if the question is, "Do you not want me to kidnap you?"

Himself - Host:
What's worse: walking into an alley, or a guy in a tiger costume secretly watching your every move?

Stranger with Lost Dog:
Hey kid, come here a second! I seem to have lost my dog somewhere around here, and I was wondering if you might help me try to find him.

Boy with Bike:
No. Sorry, I can't do that.

Himself - Host:
Or you could tell him that you haven't seen his dog, and then run away, you rude ginger little sh*t!

Himself - Host:
Oh Lord, what else are we gonna talk about? Weird people in the park/ Strange behavior at the drive-in?

Piglet:
I think we should tell our friends that danger doesn't always come from strangers! It can be from someone you know!

Himself - Host:
That's right, kids! Everyone wants to abduct you!

Winnie the Pooh:
Oh Piglet, you're right! People you see every day might... want to touch you.

Himself - Host:
Yeah, and... wait, what?

Winnie the Pooh:
Well, there are certain private places on your body that nobody is supposed to touch, except you.

Himself - Host:
*mouth gaps open*

Winnie the Pooh:
Sometimes your parents might touch them if they're dressing you or bathing you, or the doctor has to touch them when he's examining you.

Himself - Host:
You know that the doctor can also be guilty of *makes hand gesture*

Piglet:
Oh b-b-but, is there touching that's not okay, Pooh?

Winnie the Pooh:
Oh yes, Piglet. And that's the kind of touching that gives you a funny feeling inside.

Himself - Host:
Stop. Stop. Stop this now, please. Stop.

Winnie the Pooh:
If anybody tries to touch you anywhere in a not okay way, a way that feels wrong, tell them, "No!"

Himself - Host:
Yeah, most rapists tend to listen to the word "no." Jesus Christ, kids. Kick them in the balls and run!